Boundaries
By Toni Weisz/Recovery Tools
Scriptures: Psalm 34:18, Jeremiah 29:11, and John 3:16
According to Psychology Today, “Personal boundaries are the limits we set with other people, which indicate what we will accept and what we consider unacceptable behavior towards us. To know our boundaries comes from a healthy view of ourselves.”
From the book, Living From the Heart Jesus Gave You, our view is distorted due to emotional trauma we experienced as children. The two types of traumas described in this book are Trauma A & Trauma B. The Trauma A we experience as children is when we do not get the love, attention, and care we need from our family. Trauma B is extreme abuse: sexual, emotional, and/or physical. All these experiences as children cause us to have a distorted view of ourselves, God, and others, and it prevents us from maturing into healthy stable adults.
This distorted view of ourselves, especially those of us who have had abortions, opens up the door to all kinds of unhealthy and destructive behavior. God created women to love and nurture their children, and when we do the opposite, I believe our very souls are shattered into a million pieces. Our hopes and dreams as young girls are dashed, and we are now open to all kinds of ungodly behavior to somehow numb our pain. We are tormented and feel desperately alone, depressed, and even suicidal.
For you precious ones who experienced abuse of all kinds when you were young also struggle to put up boundaries. There is always the fear that people will leave us if we do. But boundaries are to protect us from people who are unhealthy and who will continue to abuse us.
So how can we stop this destructive cycle of accepting and enabling unhealthy behavior from others? First, we must realize we have a Savior and a friend who is the lover of our soul, and His name is Jesus. He is the only one that can heal our broken hearts, our broken bodies, and our broken spirits.
Psalm 34:18 ESV
“The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart and saves the crushed in spirit.”
He is the only one who can take the disaster we have made of our lives and restore order and peace. And He alone can give us new hope, new dreams, a new purpose, and a new life.
Jeremiah 29:11 NKJV
“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.”
As a child, I did not learn what healthy boundaries looked like. I became a people pleaser at a very young age, and as a result, I allowed people to take advantage of me and treat me very poorly, and I never said a word. I wondered why I never truly felt loved by others; what was it? I didn’t think I was a person of value because of the way others treated me. Especially after my abortion, my self-loathing and depression really kicked in, and I was really struggling with feeling deeply connected and loved.
If I do not love myself, how can I expect others to love me and treat me properly. They wouldn’t. I was enabling unhealthy behavior because of the way I felt about myself. But when Jesus started healing me and His love came into my heart and I realized who I was in Him, I no longer felt like I deserved to be abused. I was loved by God. That’s what I needed to give me the extra courage to stand up to the bullies in my life.
For many of us, we had to learn what healthy boundaries were because we did not learn them in our home of origin. I recommend the book, Boundaries, by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. My son bought me this book back in the late 2000’s. It was so helpful to understand why I didn’t have boundaries and how to start putting them up and insist they be respected.
It takes courage and perseverance because those around you are not going to like your boundaries, and they will challenge them. But stick to your resolve, and eventually, they will respect them and you.
God has clear boundaries. When we sin, there is a separation between us and God. We need to confess those sins so that we are now right with God and that relationship is restored. God’s Ten Commandments are an example of boundaries.
Like you, I had wounds and issues from my past, which caused me to be self-consumed and blinded, and I could not see how I was hurting others closest to me. Only God can give us awareness and the courage to stop enabling unhealthy behavior and establish healthy boundaries. I was a little nervous the first time I used my voice to establish my boundaries. I explained my boundaries and insisted they be respected. There was some pushback, but I was not going to waiver.
At first, putting up boundaries is hard to do. But as God heals us, we get stronger, bolder, and more courageous. And we no longer want to just exist; we want to experience the abundant life Jesus came to give us. The first step in recovery is recognizing my life is unmanageable and I need God to help me.
Dear One, I want you to know that God loves you so much that He sent His Son to die on the cross for you
John 3:16
“For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.”
Have you received this gift of love and forgiveness from God? If not, you can do that today?
If you do know the Lord, then ask Him to help you to love yourself and to have courage to put up boundaries and no longer accept unhealthy behavior. He will help you if you ask Him. He did it for me, and I know He will do it for you too.
Questions to take to heart:
- Did you grow up in a home with healthy boundaries? Yes or No
- When did you first realize you did not have healthy boundaries?
- How did you start putting up boundaries? Was it received well? If not, what challenges did you experience?
- How can we pray for you in this area?
I hope this topic has been helpful for you. Please reach out if you need prayer or someone to talk to. You can email me at: toni@myashestobeauty.com.
You are loved,
Toni
