Why Do I struggle with Intimacy?

Why Do I struggle with Intimacy?

Why Do I struggle with Intimacy?

by Toni Weisz/Abuse Recovery

Scriptures: 1 Corinthians 6:12-20, 7:1-9 and Revelation 21:4

Excerpt taken from an AACC book, The Bible for Hope: Caring for People God’s Way (Pages 1500–1501 by Clifford L. Penner and Joyce J. Penner):
“Women function on two tracks, the emotional and the physical. These must be connected for a woman to be interested and open to intimacy. Women open up when they feel loved and connected with their husbands.”

The problem we have as post-abortion women and women who have experienced abuse is we are not deeply connected. Intimacy does not come easy for us. We have built a wall around ourselves to keep us safe and protected. But those walls become our prison cell, and we are locked behind it, feeling all alone and isolated. We cannot give or receive love in this place.

We need someone to come and rescue us. We need our Savior, Jesus, to come and slowly take the bricks away that are around our heart so we can slowly walk out of this prison into more intentional and intimate relationships with people. It can be scary at first, but Jesus is leading us with His righteous right hand. We are safe with Him.

How do we finally break free and trust again? It is a very slow process that can take many, many years. I am struggling right now to be more intimate with my husband and to relax and enjoy it, instead of just rushing through it, because I have had this wall up around my heart for so long. In the past, he was not a person I trusted to not hurt me. But I have been seeing some improvement, and he did take good care of me after my surgery. So, I am feeling like it is time to reevaluate that boundary. I have shared this with my accountability partner, and we are both praying with me about this. I want to honor God in my marriage.

I am also plagued with bad memories and ungodly thoughts of past things I have seen with my eyes. They just come out of nowhere, but I know who the author of it is; the enemy hates marriage, and he would rather I not be the godly, loving wife God created me to be. I am intentionally going back to those unpleasant memories with Jesus holding my hand, and we will revisit those times and situations because I want God’s perspective, His wisdom and guidance, not mine. I want to be healed in those areas. I want to feel love and to be able to show love also. It’s been bottled up for so many years; I feel like a robot. I want that to change. If you would pray for me in this area, thank you.

This morning, I started a new journal, and I went back to my first memory with my husband and how our relationship started and how I felt. I asked the Lord to remove any blindness so I can see clearly what my part was in the formation of this relationship. I wrote four full pages this morning, and then I heard the song, Scars in Heaven, and God even showed me a rainbow this morning. He whispered to my heart, “It will be okay, Little Bird; you will be healed in this area. I am with you; you are not alone.”

One day, dear one, all your wounds will be healed. We can experience healing here, but when we get to Glory, there will be no more pain, sorrow, or crying. Jesus will wipe all our tears away. We will finally be whole. Thank you, Jesus.

Scars in Heaven by Casting Crowns

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qCdevloDE6E

 

Questions to take to heart:
1. Have you struggled with intimacy with your husband? How did you work through that?

2. If you are dating, do you feel comfortable sharing your heart with him? Yes or No? Please explain.

3. Have you had a difficult time having healthy relationships with men in your past? If yes, can you give an example?

4. How can we pray for you?

Thank you for reading this blog. It was not an easy one for me, but I felt like I needed to share my struggles with you so you feel safe sharing yours. You are safe here, dear one.

Please reach out if you need to talk or pray this week. You can email me at: toni@myashestobeauty.com.

You are loved,
Toni

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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The Woman at the Well

The Woman at the Well

The Woman at the Well

by Toni Weisz/Spiritual Warfare

 

Scriptures: John 4:4, 7-10, 13-18
But He needed to go through Samaria.

A woman of Samaria came to draw water. Jesus said to her, “Give Me a drink.” For his disciples had gone away into the city to buy food.

Then the woman of Samaria said to Him, “How is it that You, being a Jew, ask a drink from me, a Samaritan woman?” For Jews have no dealings with Samaritans.

Jesus answered and said to her, “If you knew the gift of God, and who it is who says to you, ‘Give Me a drink,’ you would have asked Him, and He would have given you living water.”

Jesus answered and said to her, “Whoever drinks of this water will thirst again, but whoever drinks of the water that I shall give him will never thirst. But the water that I shall give him will become in him a fountain of water springing up into everlasting life.”

The woman said to Him, “Sir, give me this water, that I may not thirst, nor come here to draw.”

Jesus said, “Go call your husband, and come here.”

The woman answered and said, “I have no husband.”

Jesus said to her, “You have well said, ‘I have no husband,’ for you have had five husbands, and the one whom you now have is not your husband; in that you spoke truly.”

 

We see in the Scriptures that Jesus goes out of His way to meet this broken, shame-filled, lonely woman. Why was she at the well at that time? She came in the heat of the day when no one else was there so she would not see the disdain on the other women’s faces, nor see them whispering about her. She was a sinner in their eyes. Even unbeliever’s have their standards of right and wrong. For those of us who have been labeled certain things because of our past sins, we might find it easier to isolate than to face their pointing fingers, their whispers, and harsh comments or cold shoulders.

But Jesus clearly goes out of His way to specifically speak to her, a Gentile, and a Samaritan at that. Jews hated Samaritans, and a man speaking with a woman was especially looked down upon. Jesus treated women with the same respect He showed men. That was radical for that day and time. Women were looked down upon as a piece of property with no rights.

Jesus goes after the lost sheep, which was once all of us, especially women who have abortion or abuse in our past. We feel safer isolating and not being seen in public because we find it easier. But Jesus breaks through those walls we have put up to protect ourselves because He knows He is the only one who can truly save us from the evil one who torments us day and night and that He only can heal us in all our broken places.

God showed me a vision of a dungeon, dank, dark, and musty, and women sitting in chains with no way to escape. Those are the women our ministry rescues from the evil one. Jesus showed me that I was to go into the dungeon, and I saw myself climbing down the stairs, holding tightly to His hand as I reach out to grab these women to lead them out of the door of this dark place into His glorious healing light.

Our eBook has a picture of a dungeon with butterflies effortlessly floating out of the dungeon, which is a picture of these precious women being rescued, healed, and set free.

Leading Them into His Light. Toni Weisz. My Ashes to Beauty

It reminds me of the old Fanny Crosby song,

“Rescue the Perishing.” (1869)

Rescue the perishing, care for the dying,
Snatch them in pity from sin and the grave;
Weep o’er the erring one, lift up the fallen,
Tell them of Jesus, the mighty to save.

Refrain:
Rescue the perishing, care for the dying,
Jesus is merciful, Jesus will save.

 

Our ministry goes into the dungeons to rescue women who are still in bondage and chains. Thank God we are slowly going into more churches where these precious women are still hiding who are being tormented by the evil one. On August 18, 2024, I had the opportunity to go to Family Church in Downtown West Palm Beach to promote our ministry. I am grateful for our ministry partners: First Care Women’s Clinic in West Palm Beach, Care Net, Love Life, Choose Life Radio, Family Church in Jupiter, Coral Ridge Presbyterian Church, and Calvary Church in Jupiter. With our partnership with them, we are able to reach even more women with the help, hope, and healing of Jesus Christ. With our partnership with them, we are able to reach even more women with the help, hope, and healing of Jesus Christ.

Thank you all for your part in this ministry. Even if this is your first conference call, just you being here is vitally important to our work. Thank you to my courageous team of volunteers all over the country. If it wasn’t for you, we could not reach these women and take care of them the way we do. I am eternally grateful to each and every one of you.

Questions to take to heart:

  1. Where are you on your healing journey? Are you just starting or have you been working on it for many years?
  2. Where were you when Jesus found you? Were you like the woman at the well, hiding from others?
  3. How did you hear about our ministry?
  4. How can we pray for you?

I pray this topic has been helpful for you. If you need to talk, please email me at: toni@myashestobeauty.com.

 

You are loved,
Toni

 

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Peace in My Storm

Peace in My Storm

Peace in My Storm

By Luci Boudreaux/Spiritual Insights

Scripture verses: Isaiah 43:2, 2 Corinthians 12:9, and Philippians 1:6

Isaiah 43:2
“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.

2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

Philippians 1:6
“And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.”

In the last five years, life as I knew it has taken a very different turn. David and I moved to the Blue Ridge Mountains in 2017, to start the homestead we lovingly planned for so long. It includes multiple gardens, fruit and nut trees and raising animals. The first two years were wonderful as we established our homestead and became acquainted with our new community.

God led us to a great little country church, and we began ministering wherever He led us and were excited about being able to bless others with the bounty from our gardens! Then things began to happen that started chipping away at my view of God’s perfect future for David and me.

Since 2019, there have been a series of events that brought me from excitement to despair. After experiencing multiple health issues that included severe back pain, foot surgery, a severe case of covid, and chronic UTI’s, which led to more than two years of debilitating IBS and losing a beloved dog of 15 years after years of managing her decline. And while dealing with all these issues, I was having trouble fitting into our very different culture. I started believing and focusing on the lie that life is not good, God is ambivalent, things won’t change, and it will keep getting harder. And during this period, we were experiencing the difficult restrictions and changes Covid-19 brought for all of us, which increased my anxiety more.

At the start of this new season in our lives, I had certain expectations that clearly haven’t been met. I thought it would be so fun! I expected my health to maintain a certain level so I could do all the things I love at home and doing ministry for the Lord. But the opposite has happened. I’ve been praying and thinking on this for months and have come to realize that the Lord had a different plan for us. You might think that should have been obvious to me, but like many of us, I’m stubborn, and it’s not easy to give up on my idea of the life I desired to live. God’s ways are not my ways; that’s becoming clearer to me.

I currently have three beloved rescue dogs. And for the past several months, I’ve been dealing with some very stressful health issues for two of them. And the third one has ongoing IBS and arthritic issues. Last October, my youngest, Chloe, developed lesions on her tummy, which grew rapidly. I found myself in the ER vet where she was given treatment and meds but no diagnosis. I followed up with my local vet who performed major surgery to remove most of her mammary glands, followed by a series of tests. But the lesions continued to grow on her body. His diagnosis was an autoimmune deficiency, so he put her on steroids to manage the lesions, and this led to diabetes. Before we knew what she had, her symptoms were severe. They had us up multiple times through the night and cleaning up after her constantly throughout the day, which went on for weeks. After the diagnosis, I was dealing with daily injections and multiple blood tests.

I was physically and emotionally drained. I didn’t think I could do any of this, and if one more thing was added, I would just shut down! I found myself falling into a heap and crying at times. I was so overwhelmed that I failed to stop and ask Jesus to bring comfort. Then one of my other dogs started limping. After two months, he had surgery for a torn CCL. He is now crated and requires both of us to get him out as he cannot bear weight and needs a sling under his belly. His initial recovery will take over three months.

I’ve had to step away from a young girl’s ministry I had committed to, and it made me so sad. And I’ve had to step away from my social events, which I love. I prayed to God often, to bring healing for me and my husband who is dealing with health issues that will require surgery soon. And I really want my animals to be healthy and happy! I pleaded with the Lord, but nothing has changed. In fact, it seems to be getting harder.

There are seasons when we can feel overwhelmed and unable to focus on living out our God-blessed, joyful and healthy life because all we can see are the huge issues before us. I have been so focused on my overwhelming problems that I missed seeing my mighty God and loving Father, who is in complete control.

The question I have to ask myself is, do I want to have an easy life with very little or no spiritual growth or do I embrace all that God brings and give Him praise for developing my faith and strength? Because that is what our storms can bring! I want to focus on God’s control over the problem, not the problem itself because it brings peace to my heart. In order to receive all that God has, I have to exercise my trust and belief that He truly is in control. One way I practice this is to remember His faithfulness to me over the past forty-one years.

God knows. He is in direct control of every detail of our circumstances, knows what we need and calls us to Himself. And in that time, we are to enter His presence. When I find myself becoming agitated and impatient, I stop and tell the Lord how much I need Him, how much I need to redirect my perspective. I have to let go of those things I can’t control. And it has helped me so much! It occurs to me that God has lovingly allowed these trials so that I may grow in His strength, for His service and His glory! And when the next storm comes, I’ll be better prepared.

I want you to know that my connection with you all has helped me to see how much God is working in all of our lives. God called us to encourage and lift one another up, which builds our faith. And that is what I experience when we spend time together sharing our stories of how God is working in your lives. It’s such a gift!

Questions to take to heart:

1. Do you feel helpless in the storms in your life?

2. How are you responding to them?

3. What are these trials teaching you (humility, patience, endurance, deeper trust in Jesus, etc.)?

4. How can we pray for you?

God bless you and thank you for allowing me to share.

I pray this topic has been helpful for you. Please reach out if you need to talk or want to pray: overcomer982@icloud.com.

His Servant,
Luci

 

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My Wound of Rejection

My Wound of Rejection

My Wound of Rejection

By Toni Weisz/Spiritual Disciplines

Scriptures: John 4:13-14 and 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a

John 4:13-14
Jesus answered and said to her, “Whoever drinks of the water will thirst again, but whoever drinks of the water that I shall give him will never thirst. But the water that I shall give him will become in him a fountain of water springing up into everlasting life.”

1 Corinthians 13:4-8a
Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.

Why do I long to belong to my earthly family?

Why is that rejection wound so deep?

Why do I want most what I cannot have?

The Lord speaking through the Holy Spirit, “Because, dear Little Bird, you were created to love and be loved, especially by your family. It’s how I created you. The well is dry, Little Bird. Stop hoping; Stop dropping your bucket down expecting them to fill it. I only can fill you. I am the Living Water, springing up into eternal life. When you drink this water, you will never thirst again. Come, Little Bird, let Me fill you until overflowing. Allow My love, so gentle and so kind, heal all your broken places. Let My peace cover you like a warm blanket on a cool winter night, and let My joy fill your heart and mind with hope and true contentment. Will you allow Me to do that for you?”

“Yes, Lord, I surrender all. I want You to be my all in all. I want You to fill the longing in my heart. I want You to validate and affirm me. I want You to give me peace that the world can never give me. I want Your love to flow through me. Your love is gentle, kind, patient, not puffed up, not selfish, does not hold onto wrongs, but instead rejoices in the truth, bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Your love never fails.”

 

Dear One, I know your heart has been broken too. I pray you will allow Jesus to heal you in all your broken places and allow His Living Water to fill you.

Questions to take to heart:

  1. Have you experienced rejection in your past?
  2. Do you still struggle with rejection even now at times?
  3. What do you do to help you overcome and heal that deep wound?
  4. How can we pray for you in this area?

I pray you know how much you are loved by God. He has a beautiful plan for your life. What the enemy meant for evil, God can turn around for your good and His glory. Please reach out if you need to talk: toni@myashestobeauty.com.

You are loved,
Toni

 

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My Loving Father

My Loving Father

My Loving Father

By Luci Boudreaux/Spiritual Insights

 

Scripture Verses: Ephesians 1:3-4 and 1 John 3:1a

Ephesians 1:3-4 “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, even as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before Him in love.

1 John 3:1a “See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are.”

 

Many of you precious ones have been abused by your fathers or male figures in your life. So, it may difficult for you to see God as your loving Father. Or you may think God is not being gracious or kind when He allows trials or suffering. But He knows just what we need that will cause us to turn to Him and experience the richness of an intimate relationship. Sometimes, these trials are just what make us stronger and become more aware of His presence.

As a very young girl, I saw my father as the hard-working provider and accepted that he was too busy to spend time with me. I wanted to be with him, but there were very few opportunities, and when there were, he wasn’t emotionally available. As I grew into my teens, things became very contentious between us. He often accused me of being promiscuous even though I hadn’t been, yet.

As I look back, I see that he was intimidated by my becoming a woman. He didn’t want me talking to boys or exploring the concept of maturing. He labeled me as a tramp, which hurt me deeply. He expressed lots of anger and frustration. I had no idea how to cope with his misguided anger. So, I retreated from him as much as possible.

I began to seek out love and affection from other boys and men, which led me into a destructive life of promiscuity and substance abuse. This behavior came out of a deep sense of rejection and abandonment from my father.

The two examples that I had of what God is like were my father and the catholic church. They both fell short as they were hyperfocused on obedience and judgment. I hated the concept of God as a Father. But by His tender mercy, I came to know Jesus and accepted Him as Lord and Savior at the age of 25.

It took me a couple of years of prayer, reading the Bible, and seeing examples of godly men in the church to understand that God, my loving Father, is nothing like the earthly father I knew. And my relationship with Him became such a refuge of grace, forgiveness, and a constant loving presence! I came to know my Heavenly Father in a very personal way. I learned that I could go to Him in complete trust; I am safe with Him.

The relationship I have with my Heavenly Father is full of acceptance, joy, long-suffering, and intimacy! And I learned this by opening up to Jesus and learning about Him through the Scriptures.

When we see Jesus, we see the Father. I love the way Hebrews 1:3a says it: “He (Jesus) is the radiance of the glory of God and the exact imprint of his nature.

How blessed we are that God reveals Himself to us!

Questions to Consider

  • What was your relationship with your earthly father?
  • Has it hindered you in any way from opening up to your Heavenly Father?
  • How were you able to overcome that obstacle and embrace your Heavenly Father’s love? Was it through Scripture, a godly man, or a combination of several things?

The Lord is merciful and patient, waiting for us to come to Him with all our cares and questions. I pray you will find hope and peace in His presence as you seek Him. You can reach me at: overcomer982@icloud.com.

 

Your friend,

Luci

 

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