My Life Would Be Forever Changed (Part 4): Tormented by Shame and Guilt
Then I met the love of my life. That’s what I thought at 15 years old. And by age 16, I was pregnant. I wondered what I had gotten myself into; what was I going to do? I thought the only option was to have an abortion. At the time, my parents had taken in a single mother who funded my abortion. She thought it was ok because she had done it several times herself. I didn’t tell my parents about it. But recently told them. So here I was, broken from the kidnap and rape and now with child that was going to be aborted. I had the abortion and I cried for days. Not because I just took a life but because I was in pain. I had already been through so much pain, and this was just another thing to cover up. I put on my smiley face and tried to hide but deep down inside I was crying out for help but didn’t know who to turn to. The guilt was so heavy on my heart.
A year later I started to date another guy who was a virgin but I no longer was. I didn’t care that I stole his virginity. It’s like I ripped his innocence from him at his will. Shame and guilt were consuming me. I continued building on my guilt and shame. I wondered if this was ever going to end! I spent many nights partying and although there was lots of alcohol, I barely ever drank; the only drug I tried and didn’t like was marijuana.
I started driving to bars and modeling lingerie, bringing home a lot of cash. It was all about the money. I didn’t care that I was selling my body. Lingerie modeling lead to stripping. I found myself in a very vulnerable place. I was stripping in clubs, making twice as much as lingerie modeling. I thought I was living the life but there was the ever-growing guilt and shame that haunted me. I never had sexual relations with any man in the strip clubs. I never did drugs or drank when there. I longed for someone to pay attention to me. I didn’t know any other way. I watched women sell themselves to pay for their children to go to school and at the time I didn’t think about it that much; it’s sad to me now, what they were doing and their children probably knew. This was the only way to make thousands of dollars. Guilt and Shame were always with me. God was calling me but I wasn’t listening. I would go to nightclubs and enter bikini contests and win and thought it was so cool. But I was just selling my soul for acceptance.