I Will See You Again

“I Will See You Again, a Letter to my Baby”

Revelation 21:4-5a
“And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no pain, for the former things have passed away.” Then He who sat on the throne said, “Behold I make all things new.”

John 14:3
And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there you may be also.

I Corinthians 2:9
But as it is written, “Eye has not seen nor ear heard, nor have entered in the heart of man the things which God has prepared for those who love Him.”

My Letter to My Baby

Dear Joseph,

My precious child, I have loved you all of my adult life, and yet, I have never seen your face or held you in my arms. For that, I am very sorry. You were a gift from God, and I threw you away. I am so sorry for ending your life. God showed me what you look like. I saw a young man in his 30s on an airplane, and he had brown curly hair and blue eyes. I felt my spirit quicken. I whispered to the Lord, “Is that what my son looks like?” I felt the confirmation in my spirit.

I named you Joseph because what the enemy meant for evil, God turned around for my good and for His glory. He exchanged my ashes for something beautiful. Joseph, you inspired a ministry called My Ashes to Beauty to help other moms heal from their past abortions.

I know you are in heaven with Jesus—a place where there is no sadness, pain, or sorrow. I can’t wait for the day that I can see you face to face in heaven where we will be together forever. I have pictured that scene over and over in my mind. I see you greeting me in heaven. I know you and you know me. We hug. With tears of joy streaming down my cheeks, you kiss me and I say, “I have waited for this moment for so long. Now we will never be parted again. I love you, Joseph.” You respond, “I love you, Mom.” Then, I will look to Jesus and thank Him for this precious gift of being reunited with my child in heaven and for the gift of salvation He gave me.

I will see you soon.

Love always,
Mom

As I was praying about the topic for today, this song came on my station, Scars in Heaven, by Casting Crowns. Here are some of the lyrics (to which I made some minor modifications):

Now what I would give for one more day with you Joseph (your child or children’s names).
Cause there’s a wound here in my heart where something’s missing. And they tell me that it’s gonna heal with time. But I know you’re in a better place where you are healed and whole and I will be too.
The only scars in heaven, they won’t belong to me and you.
There’ll be no such thing as broken, and all the old will be made new. And that thought makes me smile now, even as tears fall down. Is that the only scars in heaven are on the hands that hold you now.

Questions to Take to Heart:
What are your thoughts when you think about your baby (or babies)? What would you like to say to your baby (or babies)?

You can read more letters on our website: https://myashestobeauty.com/a-letter-to-my-baby/

I pray this blesses your heart.

You are loved,

Toni

My Identity in Christ (Part 1 & 2)

Luci’s blog

My Identity in Christ (Part 1)

2 Corinthians 5:17 “Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he (she) is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.”

Romans 8:1 “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”

John 15:15 “No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you.”

When I was a little girl, I remember having an overall sense of happiness and freedom to be a child. But as I grew older and began to develop the awareness of my identity within my family unit and became the victim of verbal and physical abuse, my perspective on who I was began to change.

In my mind’s eye, I was ugly, stupid, and overall, a pathetic girl that no one loved or wanted to be with. I can remember my father saying over and over, “Why can’t you be like your brother or why can’t you be like your sister?” He was referring to the older siblings that had gone on and became successful, in his eyes. Out of his frustration and unchecked anger, he lashed out and made us feel unwanted as he put us down by abusing us verbally. My mother was a quiet, submissive woman with multiple (total of 15) kids to care for. She wasn’t involved in our lives except to care for our physical needs. And the brothers that were still in the home, treated me with great contempt and regularly beat up on me. At age 11, I was being molested by two of my older brothers and by the age of 12, I lost my virginity to a drug-addicted man that was 14 years older, who lived in the neighborhood. He literally took advantage of my desperate need for love and affection and convinced me to cooperate with his selfish intentions. I told no one as I thought they would blame me; I believed in my young heart that it was my fault.

I felt like such a failure, that by the time I was a young teen, I began to medicate with wine and beer, and at one point, I felt so hopeless, I attempted to take my own life! Obviously, I wasn’t successful, but at the time, I believed that I was a failure even at that! I not only felt unworthy to be loved but I also felt dirty and had a great sense of shame that covered me like a thick cloud.

As I grew into my teens, I continued to abuse alcohol, adding hard liquor and was introduced to all sorts or illegal drugs, which I experimented with daily. I lived a destructive life of substance abuse and promiscuity. And at age 24, I committed what I thought was the unforgivable offense by having an abortion, essentially ending the life of what would turn out to be my only biological child. This event plunged me deeper into a sense of self-loathing and emptiness that I had yet to experience. By the time I was 25, my sense of self-worth was in the pit; I had no hope and no purpose for my future.

Then it happened! The Lord Jesus, who had been pursuing me for years through the witness of other Christ followers, opened my eyes to His amazing acceptance, love and mercy for me. And I can remember the sense of hope and love that flowed through me like a rushing river! It was incredible! My self-perspective changed that day. I dared to believe that I could be something more than I had settled into. And I embarked on a lifelong mission to get to know the God who would be willing to die for me, a pathetic, sinful, ugly and stupid girl. It took years of Bible reading, support from other believers in Jesus and some Biblical counseling, for me to accept my new identity as I embraced 2 Corinthians 5:17, which tells us, “Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he (she) is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.”

Today, after walking with the Lord for over 37 years, having His amazing Holy Spirit living in me, I embrace the truth that I am God’s precious daughter, loved and cherished beyond my wildest dreams! He has given me dignity, self-worth and a future hope. I no longer condemn myself because according to Romans 8:1, “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” I no longer accept the attempt of others to manipulate or put me down. I have come to understand that I can have boundaries and stay in control, by the power and guidance of the Holy Spirit.

Blessings,

Luci

See My Identity in Christ (Part 2) below.

Luci’s blog

My Identity in Christ (Part 2)

QUESTIONS:

What is your identity? How is it different from when you met and received Jesus as your Lord?

As Jesus walked the earth, teaching and preaching about the Kingdom of God, He validated women and showed them great mercy and respect. He went against the culture they lived in. In contrast, their culture treated them like 3rd class citizens, with few rights or respect. He accepted, healed, loved and taught them. And He is available to do the same for you and me today!

According to Romans 8:17, those who have repented of their sins and received Jesus as their Lord and Savior, become His heirs (which is one who receives ownership of an estate and all that is in it), but in this case, we are receiving the Kingdom of God in all its amazing beauty and perfection. We are precious and loved daughters of the King and will be for all eternity!

I want you to picture yourself dressed in a lavish, flowing white robe, which is the symbol of purity and perfection, and let’s read what it says in Isaiah 61:1-3, which was written 740-700 BC (before Jesus walked this earth).

“The spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor; He has sent me to bind up the broken hearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound; to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all who mourn; to grant to those who mourn in Zion – to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit; that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified.” ESV

God takes our filthy rags, which is a symbol of our broken lives, and He replaces them with clean, white robes or righteousness, comfort, healing, joy, peace and strength!

Isaiah 61:10 “My soul will rejoice greatly in the Lord, my soul will exult in my God; for He has clothed me with garments of salvation, He has wrapped me with a robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom decks himself with a garland and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.”

Blessings,

Luci

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Gracias por el dolor Señor porque sin él no te habría encontrado

Gracias por el dolor Señor porque sin él no te habría encontrado.

Jeremías 29:13 “Y me buscarás y me encontrarás, cuando me busques con todo tu corazón.”

El dolor es algo bueno; nos hace conscientes de que hay un problema. Yo creo que Dios nos da la capacidad de sentir dolor para decirnos que algo está mal y necesita nuestra atención.

Yo nunca tuve una voz cuando era más joven; en vez de eso, reprimí todos mis sentimientos desde el momento en el que era una niña muy pequeña hasta los últimos años de la edad de los 20 años y principios de los treinta. Fue durante ese tiempo que mi salud estaba decayendo y estaba experimentando todo tipo de dolor en mis coyunturas y en la espalda baja, fatiga y depresión. Los doctores pensaban que tenía la enfermedad de Lyme, así que comenzaron a darme antibióticos.

Al no mejorar, ellos aumentaron mi dosis al doble, lo cual me provocó un envenenamiento por antibióticos. Por esta dosis alta, mi presión sanguínea bajó y también mi temperatura corporal. Me sentía terrible. Solamente necesitaba un alivio. Yo creo que Dios usó mis problemas de salud para obtener mi atención.

Estaba teniendo una crisis emocional también. Todo lo que me había guardado a lo largo de vida estaba desbordándose y no tenía control de mi enojo y mi ira. Me sentía avergonzada y culpable después de mis crisis por todas las cosas que hacía y decía. Pateaba las ventanas y golpeaba las paredes con el puño. Rechinaba los dientes y gruñía. Daba miedo ver esa escena, especialmente a mis hijos. Estaba fuera de control.

Estaba tan quebrantada y apenas podía sobrellevar el día. Estaba cansada de llevar la máscara y de fingir. Solamente quería ser amada y aceptada por quien yo era.

Por mi miedo al rechazo y al abandono, tenía miedo de quitarme la máscara y de abrirme y ser vulnerable, pero llevar la máscara puesta se volvió cada vez más difícil y cansado.

Ya no fingiría más que mi vida era perfecta cuando en realidad se estaba derrumbando.

En el pasado había usado drogas, alcohol, promiscuidad, cigarros, compras, cualquier cosa para ayudarme a lidiar con el dolor. Yo necesitaba algo o alguien para que se llevara mi dolor porque esas cosas ya no me servían.

Me estaba cansando de despertar en el piso del baño después de una noche de bebida y pensaba, “No quiero que mis hijos piensen que esto está bien.” Necesitaba ayuda, desesperadamente.

Nunca aprendí a comunicarme correctamente en mi hogar de origen. Como resultado, guardaba y reprimía mis sentimientos de dolor y decepción. Ni siquiera podía pedir lo que necesitaba.

Todo ese dolor de no ser escuchada y no tener una voz fue un gran peso para mí.

Permitieron que otros me manipularan, abusaran de mí y controlaran mi vida. Yo creía que no valía como persona porque si valiera, las personas me hubieran tratado de manera diferente. Yo reconocí que permití esa conducta enfermiza porque no tenía límites y no me amaba ni me respetaba a mí misma.

¿Cómo podía esperar que otros me trataran con amor, bondad y respeto cuando en el fondo yo creía que merecía ser abusada, especialmente después de mi aborto?

Finalmente llegué al final de mí misma y estaba dispuesta a darle a Dios una oportunidad.

Sabía que estaba arruinando mi vida y realmente no tenía nada qué perder. Era justo después de la Navidad de 1993. Estaba pintando el dormitorio de mi hija y escuché un mensaje acerca de Sara y Abraham. El Espíritu Santo comenzó a moverme y me dio la audacia para ir y hablar con mi esposo. Bajé las escaleras y dije “¿A qué hora comienza la iglesia mañana?” Pensé que él se iba a caer del sillón.

“9:30”, contestó.

“Me gustaría ir a la iglesia contigo mañana.”

“Genial; necesitamos salir alrededor de las 9:00.”

“Bien. Estaré lista.”

En ese momento, estábamos asistiendo a dos iglesias por separado los domingos: los niños y yo íbamos a una iglesia y mi esposo a otra. Pero las cosas estaban a punto de cambiar, radicalmente.

¡Ese domingo de enero de 1994, por primera vez, escuché que Jesús murió en la cruz por mis pecados!” Me impresionó. Nunca había escuchado una prédica así.

Dentro de 4 semanas, entregué mi vida a Jesús, confesé mis pecados y recibí el don del perdón que Dios da gratuitamente a todos los que claman a Él.

El 6 de febrero de 1994 nací de nuevo.

Fue el día más dulce y más hermoso de mi vida.

Finalmente, encontré a alguien que podía llevarse mi dolor, mi vergüenza, mi culpa y mi pecado. Qué hermoso Salvador.

Blessings,

Toni

Freedom in Christ

John 8: 31-32, 34-36

Then Jesus said to those Jews who believed Him. “If you abide in My word, you are my disciples indeed. And you shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free.” Jesus answered them, “Most assuredly, I say to you, whoever commits sin is a slave of sin. And a slave does not abide in the house forever, but a son abides forever. Therefore, if the Son makes you free, you shall be free indeed.”

Galatians 5:1 Stand fast therefore in the liberty by which Christ has made us free, and do not be entangled again with a yoke of bondage.

Quote from Ravi Zaccharias, “Sin will take you farther than you want to go, keep you longer than you want to stay, and cost you more than you want to pay.”

We were all born with a sin nature, because of Adam and Eve’s fall in the garden, when Eve took the fruit and ate it and gave it to her husband to eat also, that’s when sin entered into the world. Sin is destructive and we are all servants to sin. Because of our sin nature we are proud, selfish, liars, disobedient, drunkards, and murderers, etc. We do not have the ability to stop this destructive cycle until we meet the only one who has never sinned, His name is Jesus our Savior and Redeemer.

What does freedom in Christ mean? Freedom in Christ means I no longer belong to Satan and I am no longer a slave to sin, doing things that are ungodly. I have a new nature, the Bible says when I confess and repent (turn) of my sins and believe in my heart that Jesus is the Son of God, that I am born again. I am now born of the Spirit of God. I am adopted into God’s family. When I become born again the Holy Spirit now indwells me. I now have the ability with the help of the Holy Spirit to make good God glorifying decisions.

Jesus’s death on the cross paid my sin debt, He was my propitiation, my substitute, He paid the penalty for all my sins and the sins of the whole world when He died on the cross 2000 years ago. Because of His death for me, I am now blameless before God, my sins have been covered by the blood of the Lamb, all God sees is Christ righteousness. God rescued me from the clutches of the devil, who once held me captive, and placed me in the palm of His hand. I now belong to God.

As a believer in Jesus I have freedom from the Great White Throne judgment, which is for those who do not know Jesus as their personal Savior. There is a literal place called hell that was created for the devil and his angels. It grieves the Father that any one will be in hell. This is the reason I am sharing this with you today, it is God’s desire that no one should perish but all have eternal life, I am giving you this information now so if you are unsure of your relationship with Jesus now is the time to get that secured. I am available to talk, please email me at arwsg4u2@gmail.com, and we will discuss this further so you can know for sure you have eternal life and that when you die you will be in heaven with Jesus.

If you are a believer you stand before the judgement seat of Christ, the Bema Seat, you are judged based upon things done on earth good or bad. You will receive rewards or you will have rewards taken away. You are guaranteed a home in heaven forever. A place where there is no more sorrow or death or crying, where God will wipe away the tears from our eyes.

I have freedom to live my life in a new way. Instead of being selfish and prideful I am a servant of God, I am His hands and feet in this world, to minister His love, grace, and compassion to all around me. I am now more concerned for others needs than my own. The least I can do is serve Him for what He has done for me. I have a new life, a new purpose, a new family and a home in heaven when I die. I also we see my sweet Joseph my son who I aborted 40 years ago. What a sweet day that will be, I can’t wait to kiss my son’s cheek and to hug his neck.

Discussion Questions

Have you ever confessed and repented (turned away) from your sins to God and do you believe that Jesus is the sinless Lamb of God that died on the cross for your sins?

If you are unsure of your relationship with Jesus, please email me so we can talk in greater detail.

God Bless you,

Toni

Less Control & More Trust

Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding: In all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths.

Who or what are you trusting in: yourself, another person, an institution, or God?

I learned at a very young age to take control of every area of my life, that unfortunately was not a good thing. A 12-year-old is not mature enough to take on such a responsibility. I controlled my voice, I did not use it, I controlled how I performed in school, sports, and in anything I set my mind to do by practicing until I could do something perfectly. When I was older, I controlled my weight by taking speed and diet pills and exercising excessively. I controlled what others perceived about me by wearing a mask to hide my true feeling and identity.

Relinquishing control was not a comfortable thing for me, because I didn’t trust others not to hurt me. I became very self-sufficient and proficient in all I did. I had a huge wall around my heart that no one was going to penetrate, not even God. I grew up with a distorted view of God; He was angry and He would punish me if I was out of line, this is what I heard and saw as a child. Church was dark, they spoke in another language, it was not warm and welcoming. So, I attributed these attributes to God. I felt He was dark and harsh and unloving; nothing could be further from the truth.

I had everything under control so I thought, until my life and health started spiraling out of control, I couldn’t stuff anymore and my health was failing, my marriage was on the brink of divorce, and I didn’t know what to do. I was plagued with suicidal thoughts because I just couldn’t deal with my depression and self-loathing anymore. This was not a life it was a prison; I was just surviving I needed someone to take my pain away, someone I could trust to love and accept me for who I was. Did such a person exist?

Dear One I want you to know that there is such a person, His name is Jesus, He is the only one who will love you right where you are, He will never hurt you or force you to do something against your will. He is kind, loving, dependable, faithful, merciful, forgiving, and He is your Savior and friend. Why not relinquish control of your life to God, honestly what do you have to lose at this point?

Matthew 6:33 But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you.

Blessings,

Toni