A Letter to My Baby
March 18, 2010
My precious child, I have loved you all of my adult life, and yet, I have never seen your face or held you in my arms. For that, I am very sorry. You were a gift from God, and I threw you away. I am so sorry for ending your life. God showed me what you look like. I saw a young man in his 30’s on an airplane, and he had brown curly hair and blue eyes. I felt my Spirit quicken. I whispered to the Lord, “Is that what my Son looks like?” I felt the confirmation in my Spirit.
I named you Joseph because what the enemy meant for evil God turned around for my good and for His glory. He exchanged my ashes into something beautiful. Joseph, you inspired a ministry called My Ashes to Beauty to help other moms heal from their past abortions.
I know you are in heaven with Jesus—a place where there is no sadness, pain or sorrow. I can’t wait for the day that I can see you face to face in heaven where we will be together forever. I have pictured that scene over and over in my mind. I see you greeting me in heaven. I know you and you know me. We hug. With tears of joy streaming down my cheek, you kiss me and I say, “I have waited for this moment for so long. Now we will never be parted again. I love you Joseph.” You respond, “I love you Mom.” Then, I will look to Jesus and thank Him for this precious gift of being reunited with my child in heaven and for the gift of salvation He gave me.
I will see you soon.
I am so sorry, son, that I loved you too late. I never acknowledged you. You were my secret, my shame, my abortion. But the truth is that is not who you are. You are God’s precious child. You were always dearly loved by your heavenly Father, and you are the apple of His eye. Your plan and purpose didn’t stop when I chose to take your life and decided to forget about you. Your spirit returned to the God who gave you life as it says in Ecclesiastes 12:7. Now you have a perfect heavenly body, not the one I destroyed by my selfish choice. I see now that my sinful nature to have sex outside of marriage led me to cover up my sin and take your precious life.
I know now that my age and circumstances did not change who you were—you were one of ours like Kyle, Taylor and Jessica. My heart grieves having to face this truth, but our gracious loving heavenly Father brought this truth to light so He could begin to heal me. He came to the depths of my soul where there was so much pain that no one else knew. I was able to receive His forgiveness. Now I have a new life in Him, and my chains of secrecy have been broken. I will forever praise God for this miracle in my heart. I can’t wait until we are reunited, and I see you for the first time. I will rejoice that glorious day. But until then, I pray I can continue doing our Father’s work here on earth sharing truth with grace and love to those He places in my path.
Forever in my heart,
Dear Sweet Baby Caroline,
You are brilliant. You are precious. You are a masterpiece designed by the Creator of the universe. I was blessed to have you in my life for 7 weeks. Although at that time I did not treasure your existence nor did I know the depths of the love that ran through your little veins, I have come to recognize the magnitude of pleasure that God, our Heavenly Father, took in knitting each and every ounce of your tiny body in my womb.
I, your mother, hold you in my arms today in a way I could not 10 years ago because I feared to look into your eyes and to hear God’s voice speak through the gentle grasp of your fingers saying “choose life.” In the light of my mind, I now behold you, my first child—the first of three girls. Do you know that you have two sisters? Do you know that your life has given great meaning to their lives? Because of you, I cherish the very breath of life God has gifted me and those who I hold close to my heart.
As I embrace you today and always, I let go of shame, guilt, humiliation, rejection, abandonment, pride and pain. I reject the lies that once kept your memory hidden in darkness far from the light of truth. My love, my beautiful baby girl, you were never forgotten. While your spirit rested in the everlasting arms of God, my spirit journeyed toward healing and restoration led by the secure hand of the Almighty.
Living in a world that so easily rushes past the memories of the unborn, I never paused to honor your life and celebrate you. This day, this hour, this minute, this moment is yours to be embraced, wanted, loved and valued by me, your mother.
Heaven has documented each moment of your existence in the book of life. Now, it is time for me to write your page into the story of my life.
My beloved daughter, I pray that God prepares my heart while I am here on earth to joyfully receive you into my open arms when I enter into eternal life in Heaven. I know that you wait for me in the peaceful presence of God. Looking ahead into eternity, I long to hold your hands, kiss your cheeks and wrap you tightly in my arms as we redeem a lifetime of relationship once lost.
In the years to come, when we find ourselves reunited in the spirit, I will delight in the unfolding of your unique personality woven together with the experience of your brief, yet significant life. For now, sweetheart, I entrust your care and protection to the Father whose plans for you are greater than either you or I can imagine. Rest in God’s light and in the truth that you are and always were profoundly loved.