From Shame to Victory (Part 2): The Abuse Started in Adolescence

Rhonda’s Story

My dad had a workshop in the basement where he had pin up girls on the wall. He had playboy and Penthouse magazines in the cupboard that my brother and his friends would look at.

Around the time I was between 8-10, I walked down the stairs and found my dad watching a pornographic movie while having a meal. I was horrified. My father was so disrespectful to women and he constantly joked in a demeaning way in front of my mom and other women.

Dad would drink every day. And every Friday night he cashed his check and came home with his weekend alcohol supply. Dad would always be in a good mood. He would take a shower and his friends would start rolling in. He always smelled so good. In the beginning, it was exciting for me to see who would stop by; I liked having company. But as the weekend parties continued it became evident that my dad’s friends wanted to do inappropriate things to me.

My mom would usually stay upstairs and lose herself in her books, trying to ignore everything around her. I would hang downstairs trying to get my dad’s attention over his friends and his drinking. When I was between 8 and 9, I recall one of his friends pinning me down, laughing and holding my arms down while he tried to kiss me. I was kicking and screaming, telling him to stop as my parents watched. I couldn’t believe they weren’t helping me! Felling vulnerable, I spent many years pushing the bed across my bedroom door, afraid someone would come and hurt me. Because of my parents’ and my brother’s behavior towards me, I learned that I had no value. My mom never wanted me and I wasn’t worth being protected by my dad; I felt so unloved.

During middle school, my brother and I always came home to an empty house. The two neighbor boys would come over and try and kiss me, pin me down and they would force me to do inappropriate things with them. I was told not to tell or I would get beat up. I never told.

So, I would race home, grab all the hangers and pens in the house (my brother could open the door with a metal hanger or the ink stick of the pen), lock the bathroom door before by brother got home so he couldn’t beat me up. I would wait in fear as he banged on the door telling me to open it. Eventually he always found a way in. I would run through the house and try to get away as he threw knives at me. If I made it back to the bathroom the knives would be stuck in the door. He would beat me up! I didn’t tell because nobody stopped the other bad things that were happening to me. My mother always justified and made excuses for my brother’s behavior because he was her favorite; my dad was hard on my brother; I was dad’s favorite so I got the brunt of that from my mother.

 

PART 3 Click Here.

 

From Shame to Victory (Part 1): My Broken Childhood

Rhonda’s Story

When I was a kid, I remember being happy, wanting to understand why everything was the way it was, full of curiosity and questions. I loved playing outside, I loved my brother and I loved animals. I loved Sunday fishing, car rides and visiting family. I had a vivid imagination that helped me to escape from the reality of my dysfunctional childhood.

My parents had been dating for a while, and then they eloped. My dad decided he wanted to see Sault Ste. Marie. My mom wanted to go, so they got married. They never made it there; they stopped short in North Bay and rented a place. Dad got a job and along came my brother. Mom’s pregnancy was difficult, and she was told not to have any more kids. My Dad refused to have one child, so two and a half years later with much resentment from my mother, I was born; she and I never bonded.

I remember being afraid of my mother when I was young as she was angry a lot. She told me she had me because my father made her and that she never wanted me. I felt like I was a burden, an inconvenience. I understand now that she was angry about her life and her inability to speak up for herself.

When I was about five, my mom was in the living room crying. I asked her what was the matter, and she looked at me and said my dad had slept with his boss’s sister, he may lose his job and she didn’t know if she was going to stay married to him. I remember being scared, not really understanding and thinking I did something wrong to cause this.

 

Part 2 Click Here.

 

Your Are Safe Here

You are safe here...

If you had an abortion in your past, you have found a safe place.

Here, you are safe to share your heart and your tears over your abortion decision, whether it was by choice or if someone forced you.

If you are overwhelmed with feelings of loss, shame, guilt, loneliness, depression, despair, and it’s hard for you to function, we can walk with you and help you get the love and support you need, so you can heal.

You are in the right place for hope and healing through the Word of God, Jesus Christ, and a safe and loving environment for you to share without fear of judgment or condemnation.

I have been doing post-abortion recovery since 2006 through various Bible Studies and venues.

In 2013, I started post-abortion conference calls on Sunday afternoons, and I have a team of healed godly women ready to minister to you.

I have several options available to help you release your shame and guilt associated with your past abortion.

In exchange for those heavy burdens is a relationship with Jesus, having His peace, and experiencing true freedom. Here are the options:

  1. A conference call every Sunday afternoon at 4:00 PM EST. Each week we discuss a different topic. Most of the women on the call have experienced the loss of a child to abortion, and others struggle with unhealthy relationships, addictions, and unhealthy coping mechanisms.

Conference Call: 605-562-8400, PIN 4746600#

You’ll find more info on the Sunday Teleconference call at myashestobeauty.com/events

2. There are post-abortion Bible Studies available in many locations and venues. Face to face Bible Study meetings are available at a specific location and time, as well as a conference call Bible Study.

3. There are topics available on this site to help encourage you.

4. You can reach out if you need to talk with someone via telephone, text message, and/or email, whichever you prefer.

5. I will also give you other resources from different organizations that help with unplanned pregnancies and post-abortion recovery.

Most importantly, we are very proud of you for stepping out and seeking help and healing.

We are so honored to walk with you on this healing journey.

God Bless You.

—Toni

Testimonies

Surrendering the Secret Bible Study

Teleconference Call

Testimonies

God Connects Hearts and Threads Lives

I had a wonderful opportunity to co-lead a Surrendering the Secret Bible study via conference call with Toni and Jane.

I have done these studies for years but not in this format. It was such an amazing experience, and we saw God quickly connect our hearts with the women in the group even though we didn’t meet face to face.

Each woman’s story helped another, and trust was built. The women were so transparent, and we saw God’s hand throughout as He threaded our lives together.

Personally, I was so encouraged by seeing God’s immense love for each of us and how He desires for us to be healed from the pain and shame of our past abortions.

He walked with each of us so tenderly through this healing journey bringing His truth and light. Somehow new life was born within as God gave each of us unique purpose where there was once deep pain, shame and guilt.

I am so thankful to be a part of this ministry where I see God’s grace, forgiveness and freedom experienced!

My hope and prayer are for many women to take a courageous step and begin this transforming healing journey.

Julie Cruz

The Conference Call was a God Send

Over this summer I was able to participate in “Surrendering the Secret” (STS) phone conference Bible study.

In the past, I had been on Toni’s Sunday’s conference calls, so this wasn’t new to me. The Sunday conference calls are topical in nature and were a great support for me and my walk with the Lord. I learned so much on these conference call sessions and was excited to join in on the STS study.

Our STS study was on Thursday evenings and lasted 1½ hours. We had some amazing girls in our group, and over the course of the weeks I grew to love them and pray for them. I was in awe of what the Lord was doing in their lives.

It’s amazing to see the healing in others and connect with women that were wounded the same way I was, from a past abortion.

The phone conference Bible study was so convenient because it allowed me to be at home and not have to travel. Many of the women were about 1 hour away.

This study reminded me of how the Lord can bring healing to hurting women that desperately need freedom from the chains of shame and brokenness. I had taken the class several times and this was the first time I did it via a conference call on the phone.

God was in our midst and He was able to walk us through those areas that needed light and truth. I’m so thankful for Toni’s heart and desire to bring this study over the phone so anyone can join and distance is not a factor.

Praise God for He is Good and Mighty to Heal.

God Bless, Sharon

God Is Preparing Us to Be a Voice

I have been a part of the My Ashes to Beauty abortion recovery for a few years now. Recently, I had the opportunity to participate in the Surrendering the Secret Bible Study. When I embarked on this journey, I felt confident that I was in a good place with my abortion recovery and was looking forward to a little more healing.

This study was via conference call, once a week at a specific time, which made it very convenient and accessible for me to participate due to my busy schedule.

As I began this study, I realized I was just beginning my healing journey. I was taken to the deepest part of my soul which for 19 years I had locked my secret away so tightly. I walked through my ever-erupting emotions in a safe place for the first time ever in my life and was able to honestly share my story, shame, guilt, fear, disgust and pure hatred of myself because of what I had done to my child. As we all shared our stories and our heartbreak, I could see the healing taking place.

When we speak of unspeakable things, we are released from the bondage and hold it has on us, and we can begin to heal.

My healing journey was beginning, I was grieving, crying, having trouble sleeping and anxious, but as I continued the study I was smiling, laughing and had peace in my heart for the first time.

I was able to come to terms with what I had actually done, found forgiveness and have peace that my child is with my Lord in heaven, and one day I will be reunited with him.

We all have different reasons and circumstances as to why we made the choice to abort our child or children, but there is healing available to each and every one of us.

I believe that as each of us is healed, God is preparing us to be a voice for our children and all the children that have been aborted.

I am excited for the opportunity to be used by God to help other women in post abortive, prevention and anywhere He leads me.

Rhonda Bouchlas

I Received Significant Healing

Back in April, I was desperately searching for some help with my abortion healing and recovery.

I had fallen into a deep depression that I couldn’t get myself out of. I had covered up my abortion for 2 years and told no one about it.

Luckily, I found Toni, who graciously welcomed me into her Sunday conference call, as well as the Surrendering the Secret Bible study during the week.

The Surrendering the Secret study was more intimate with only a few women. The study was about 2 months long, and all of us held each other accountable to be on the call every week.

The Bible study conference calls were something I looked forward to every week. I knew that every week I was able to talk with people who cared and understood what I was going through.

We went through the readings and questions, diving deep into the core of our trauma. This wasn’t an easy process; it was emotional to get through.

Every week I gained more clarity. I can honestly say that by the end of the study, I received significant healing.

This bible study was a blessing that God gave to me, and I will never forget it.

Erika

Passionate About Changing Lives with Teleconference Venues

My abortion experiences occurred when I was a teenager and young woman, around the time that Roe v. Wade was passed and Planned Parenthood grew into the abortion business it has become. I hadn’t thought about these tragic events much anymore. I had been a victim of rape at the age of thirteen and continued with a rebellious, unchallenged lifestyle without God in my life or much supervision, throughout my teen and young womanhood years. This led to my secretive, deadly choices, without counseling or telling my parents or friends.

During the spring of 2019, I began a “Surrendering the Secret” (Pat Layton, 2008) Bible study group, as part of an abortion recovery requirement for consideration to become a counselor at a local First Care Women’s Clinic crisis center.

At first, I attended weekly sessions with a group of women at a church about an hour away from my home. When I started a new job, the work hours conflicted with this group. I contacted the director of the study group, and she connected me to Toni Weisz and her weekly teleconference group.

This was the best possible scenario. I am so grateful God made this possible. It was convenient to drive home and join the call and participate in comfort and privacy. I could even have my dinner as we began our class, since our phones were on mute as we proceeded.

Toni and the co-facilitator, Sharon, were comforting, gave wonderful guidance and made the whole experience easy and fulfilling. There were two other women in my group, who were wonderful to spend time with as well. We each listened to each other, timing was perfect and we followed along in our books and the format Toni designed with Scripture and discussion.

As we reached the end of the eight week series, we gathered for a memorial service during the seventh week, prepared by Toni and Sharon at a private home. This was touching and comforting. We enjoyed a light lunch meal and fellowship. It was joyful to meet everyone in person for the first time and chattered (as females do) about experiences, ideas and future plans for our personal healing and ministry to help others.

I highly recommend the teleconference format and look forward to participating again and leading groups myself. It is not only a great option for women (and men) who don’t live near each other and have hectic lives filled with family and work. It is private option for people who are uncomfortable meeting in public places for this personal subject.

These study groups are not readily available at churches and other venues, which is something we all feel passionate about changing so that more lives can be touched by this healing ministry and the loving forgiveness of Jesus. I am grateful to Toni, Sharon, First Care Women’s Clinics, Surrendering the Secret author Pat Layton and the other women I spent time in study with.

Nanette Gordon, Boca Raton, Florida August 24, 2019

Abortion Recovery

Sunday Teleconference Call

Testimonies

I Now Have a Healthier Perspective on Who I Am in Christ

In 2017, Toni asked me to join in the conference calls to encourage the women who were struggling with the life choices they had made and were sometimes continuing to make.

These include abortion, substance abuse, unhealthy relationships and many other life choices that keep us from growing in our walk with Jesus.

Each week the facilitator discusses a topic which includes godly principles along with scripture to get us thinking on how we can relate to that particular life choice or past hurt that we need to heal from and how God can bring this healing into our lives.

We then have opportunity to share as she opens the call to all participants who feel comfortable and would like to share what is on their hearts and minds.

My experience from participating on this call has been so incredible! I have not only been used of God to encourage and build other women up, but I have grown in my walk with the Lord as we pursue the discussions.

God is using this ministry to bring healing I didn’t realize I needed and a deeper understanding to my life experiences.

It is giving me a healthier perspective on who I am in Christ.

Luci

My Story

Toni's Journey

friend of God, wife, mom, advocate

Life is a journey, and we all get to have our own story...

My Abortion Story (Audio)

by Toni Weisz

Click Here for the Spanish Version

I was in shock and disbelief when I went to the women’s clinic near the college I was attending in Ohio. My period was late, but I never expected to hear the words, “You’re pregnant.” I didn’t know what to do first: yell, cry, or run away. I did know, however, that I couldn’t tell my parents. I was “the good, quiet one” in the family. If I told them I was pregnant, the mask I had created and been wearing for the last nine years would fall off and be destroyed. Lord knows I kept wearing the mask until I was 50, but that’s a story for another time.

It was Thanksgiving, 1980. Like most college students, I went home to visit my family for the holiday. Being home during Thanksgiving was always a very busy time. My brother was one of the stars on the local high school football team, so of course we attended the big game. We all loved watching my brother play.

While a few of us were gathered in the kitchen that Thanksgiving, my mom asked, “Guess who’s pregnant?” I held my breath for a few seconds, heart racing. I had no idea how she could have found out. Then again, I believed my mom had eyes in the back of her head; it was uncanny how much she could find out. Still holding my breath, the conversation continued. Mom answered the question she presented and said, “Your Aunt Kathy.” Aunt Kathy was standing in the kitchen with us during Mom’s announcement, so I kissed her on the cheek and congratulated her. That was a close call, a little too close. I needed to do something about my pregnancy, and I would, when I returned to school.

The night before my planned abortion, I drank and used heavy drugs. By the time my appointment rolled around I was terribly hung over. As I drove myself to the clinic I thought, “This is crazy. What am I thinking? I should have had someone drive me.” Clearly, at that point I was not thinking much of anything.

When I arrived at the clinic, which was very upscale, they asked me if I had eaten anything. “Yes”, I replied. The woman behind the counter said, “You can’t have this procedure today because you ate something.” I was so discouraged. I asked the woman if she was sure. She responded in the same way and added that as per clinic policy, I would not be allowed to have my abortion that day. I couldn’t believe it. It was the beginning of December, well into my second trimester.

On the drive home, the city was desolate. It was 7:30 AM on a Saturday, so no one was on the road. I felt so alone, and now frantic. I had really messed things up this time. I could not have this baby.

For starters, I believed that my child would be severely deformed because of the heavy drugs, alcohol, and smoking I was doing. On top of that, I couldn’t let my parents know that I was pregnant outside of marriage. As for the father of the baby, well, he didn’t have much to say about the situation. He basically allowed me to make the decision on my own.

I decided to make another appointment, this time at an inner-city clinic. You can probably guess that it was not as nice as the previous clinic, but I was prepared this time around and ate nothing before the procedure. The date was December 10, 1980. It was a very sad day in my life, one I will always remember.

Up until then, my past was littered with the debris of unhealthy relationships and people pleasing. For years I suffered silently, feeling unloved, rejected, and unworthy of love because of it. As if that weren’t enough, I was about to plunge head long into the throws of deep, dark despair. Depression, loneliness, suicidal thoughts and bouts of uncontrollable crying became my life.

If I could have stopped my 21-year-old self from making that decision, I would have in a heartbeat. It was one of the worst decisions I ever made. As a result of this abortion wound, I would continue to make bad decisions in an attempt to cover up my sins.

All the while, Jesus would be watching me, weeping for me. He knew the destructive path I would continue down for many years and His heart broke with mine the day I aborted my beautiful, baby boy.

Now, I am 59 years old. I became a born-again believer in Jesus Christ at the age of 34. I started my abortion recovery journey on September 11, 2006.

I have dedicated my life, my resources, my time, and my energy into abortion recovery and healing for myself and other women.

This is my story, and God has used it for my good and His glory! I am so grateful for Jesus’s mercy upon me, His forgiveness of my sins, and for cleansing me from all my unrighteousness. I am a new creation in Christ; old things are passed away; behold all things have become new! (2 Corinthians 5:17)

I have a new life, a new purpose, and a new song all because of Jesus, my beautiful Savior.

You are in a safe place Beloved; my team and I are ready to walk with you on this healing journey.

Read my post entitled: MY MASK OF PERFECTION

Thank You for the Pain, Lord

CLICK HERE for the SPANISH VERSION

Thank you for pain, Lord, because without it I might not have found you.

Jeremiah 29:13 And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.

Pain is a good thing; it makes me aware that there is a problem. I believe God gives us the ability to feel pain to let us know something is wrong and needs our attention.

I never developed a voice when I was younger; instead, I stuffed all my feelings from the time I was a very young child through my late 20’s and early 30’s. It was during that time that my health was failing, and I was experiencing all kinds of pains in my joints and lower back, fatigue, and depression. The doctors thought I had Lyme disease, so they started me on antibiotics.

When I didn’t improve, they doubled my dosage, which caused me to get antibiotic poisoning. Because of this high dosage, my blood pressure dropped and so did my body temperature; I felt horrible. I just needed some relief. I believe God used my health issues to get my attention.

I was having an emotional breakdown as well. All the stuffing I had done throughout my life was starting to come out sideways, and I had no control over my anger and rage. I felt shame and guilt after my outbursts because of the things I would do and say. I would kick out windows and punch walls. I would grind my teeth and growl. It was a scary sight, especially for my children. I was out of control.

I was so broken and was barely able to make it through the day. I was tired of wearing the mask and pretending. I just wanted to be loved and accepted for who I was.

Because of my fear of rejection and abandonment, I was terrified to take the mask off and be open and vulnerable. But, wearing the mask became increasingly more difficult and exhausting to do.

I couldn’t pretend anymore that my life was perfect when in fact it was falling apart.

In my past I used drugs, alcohol, promiscuity, cigarettes, shopping, anything to help me cope with the pain. I needed something or someone to take my pain away because those things stopped working for me.

I was getting tired of waking up on the bathroom floor after a night of drinking and thinking, “I don’t want my kids to think this is ok.” I needed help, desperately.

I never learned to communicate properly in my home of origin. As a result, I stuffed and held back my feelings of hurt or disappointment. I couldn’t even ask for what I needed.

All that pain of not being heard or having a voice was a very heavy burden on me.

I had allowed others to manipulate, abuse, and control me all my life. I believed I was not a person of value or worth, because if I were, people would have treated me differently. I recognized that I enabled this unhealthy behavior because I had no boundaries and I did not love and respect myself.

How could I expect others to treat me with love, kindness, and respect when deep down I believed I deserved to be abused, especially after my abortion?

I finally came to the end of myself and was willing to give God a try.

I knew I was messing up my life and really had nothing left to lose. It was just after Christmas, 1993. I was painting my daughter’s room and I heard a message about Sarah and Abraham. The Holy Spirit started drawing me and gave me boldness to go and talk to my husband. I went downstairs and said, “What time is church tomorrow?” I thought he was going to fall off the couch.

“9:30”, he replied.

“I would like to go to church tomorrow with you.”

“Great, we need to leave around 9:00.”

“Good, I’ll be ready.”

At the time, we were attending two separate churches on Sundays: the kids and I went to one church, and my husband another. But things were about to change, radically.

That Sunday in January 1994, for the first time, I heard that Jesus died on the cross for my sins!!! It blew me away. I had never heard preaching like this.

Within 4 weeks, I surrendered my life to Jesus, confessed my sins, and received the gift of forgiveness that God freely gives to all who cry out to Him.

On February 6, 1994 I was born again.

It was the sweetest most beautiful day of my life.

Finally, I found someone who could take away my pain, shame, guilt, and sin. What a beautiful Savior.

Luke 11:9-10

So I say to you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find;
knock, and it will be opened to you.

For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds,
and to him who knocks,
it will be open.

How has God used pain to get your attention?

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