Leaving Things Behind

Leaving Things Behind

Leaving Things Behind

by Luci Boudreaux/Abuse Recovery

Scriptures: Philippians 3:12-17 and 2 Corinthians 5:17

Philippians 3:12-17 “Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you. Only let us hold true to what we have attained. Brothers, join in imitating me, and keep your eyes on those who walk according to the example you have in us.”

2 Cor 5:17 “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.”

 

From the time I was a young girl until the age of 25 when I surrendered my life to Jesus, I had established so many ungodly behavior patterns and unhealthy thinking (which led to unhealthy coping mechanisms) that I was having difficulty becoming the woman of God I knew He wanted me to be. I knew I was delivered from eternal damnation. But what about living an abundant life now?

I was unsure of myself, always secondguessing myself, very insecure and filled with painful memories, which made me angry and frustrated. It affected my relationship with the Lord and others. I knew what the Bible taught me; that Jesus loves me and cast away my sins as far as the east is to the west.

Just as 2 Corinthians 5:17 declares, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.”

I wanted to believe God’s promises were for me, but I knew who I had been, the things I had done. My faith and hope were weak, and the enemy was working hard to steal my hope for a better life. I was fearful to step out and trust God in all areas of my life that needed to be dealt with before I could move forward.

But one thing was constant and strong in my heart. And that is, I wanted to be healed and whole. I worked at it by spending time in God’s Word, in community with other believers, playing uplifting music, and listening to godly teachers who lived like they believed.

But I continued to struggle. I couldn’t understand why I was still stuck in this place and continuing to return to my old ways of thinking and doing.

Does this resonate with any of you?

You go to church, read God’s Word, listen to worship music, but it doesn’t seem to be moving you forward in your faith or healing. Perhaps you are holding onto that one thing that is weighing you down. Is it possible that pride is preventing you from dealing with it or asking for help?

At this point, I sought out ministries and two specific women counselors that understood my broken past and what it felt like to have no self-worth. I’m thankful that they had the courage to ask some hard questions that caused me to face my distorted thinking. These women saw beyond my pain to what God had for me. They taught me to understand my position in Christ and that I was a new creation; I no longer needed to revisit my past for the sake of condemning myself.

I learned how to recognize that the painful events of my past do not define me, nor do they have the power to control how I live my life today. I learned that healthy boundaries are important and that I have the power to use these experiences to forgive, which allows me to heal and help others in their journey. So, my past no longer has a hold on me; I now use it to glorify God!

I am a very different woman today. I embrace the truth that I am a daughter of the Most High and that I don’t need to fear anything in this world or in the spiritual realm! I am a warrior, an ambassador, who God promises to equip for every situation in my life so that I may walk in victory and display His character.

As Paul said in Philippians Chapter 3, we haven’t “arrived,” but we are focused on moving forward, towards the goal of becoming more like Jesus. In view of this, I see every situation that comes into my life as an opportunity for the Holy Spirit to teach me how to live out my faith. He allows situations (positive and negative), so, I submit to them, knowing it’s for His glory and my ultimate holiness.

God is doing a spiritually renewing work in each of us. And my desire is that we all draw closer to His heart. One of the spiritually powerful things in my life is spending time with like-minded believers who I can encourage and be encouraged by. It’s important for us to pay close attention and seek out those who walk in the way of Christ. Follow their example; you will become like those you spend the majority of your time with.

I encourage you all to use the issues we discuss in our conference calls to propel you into a better place. Don’t settle for less than God’s best for you! We can experience the abundant life here and now! But it takes a lot of courage to change!

Questions to Consider:

  1. Are you allowing your past to hinder you from moving forward in your healing journey?
  1. What is preventing you from embracing what God is calling you to?
  1. How may we pray for you?

We are here to help you in your journey. Please reach out if you need to talk. You can email me at: overcomer982@icloud.com.

Your friend,
Luci

 

 

Read more blogs here.

I Am God’s Wildflower

I Am God’s Wildflower

Luci’s Blog

I was part of the sexual Abuse Recovery Bible Study with a small group of women through the “My Ashes To Beauty” ministry. And when I agreed to participate, I figured it had been so many decades since the abuses took place that there wouldn’t be any new discoveries. Well, it turns out there were things that I had not yet processed, even with all the counseling I had over the years.

I had the opportunity to mourn the loss of a safe and happy childhood and teen years that every girl deserves to experience. One of the things that really moved me is when we shared photos of the timeframe that we lost our innocence. I felt such compassion for the other women’s photos and how precious and vulnerable they appeared at the time of their abuses. When I looked at my photo, I felt such love and mercy for the young adolescent girl, that was me; I shed tears over that. I didn’t see myself back then, the way I now do. I had blamed myself for the abuses and couldn’t see beyond how it defined me. I was reminded over the course of this study that I am God’s precious and adored daughter! And that was definitely a good thing to allow to sink into my heart!

As I got to know the women in this intimate setting and hear their stories, I realized, I’m not alone in this, that others have experienced similar atrocities and it endeared me to them. We bonded in a way that goes beyond a typical group gathering for prayer or Bible study. I got the sense that God brought this particular group together so we could pray for, encourage and show one another that there is further healing and work to be done. The prayers that were prayed over us was like a healing balm that sunk deep into my soul!

Sexual abuse recovery takes time, as we peel away layers of false beliefs and negative thinking which keeps us in bondage and from moving further on the beautiful path that God has for each of us to walk. Not only do we need to continue to grow in Him, but He also wants to use us to show others the healing and forgiveness that is waiting for them, through His love. This study ws a safe place to share and be vulnerable with like-minded women.

His beloved,

Luci

 

Luci’s Story (Part 1 & 2)

Luci’s Story (Part 1 & 2)

Luci's Story: Innocence Lost

(Click here to listen to the audio.)

Luci’s Blog

Luci’s Story (Part 1): Innocence Lost

I was a happy child, playing outside, rain or shine. I enjoyed going to school, coloring, playing Jax, jump rope, hop scotch and all the things little girls like to do. But my favorite pass time of all was hanging with all sorts of animals I came in contact with in my neighborhood. Dogs were my very favorite; I loved them so very much! I suppose it was because of their incredible ability to give me unconditional love and lots of attention.

The first time I recall feeling something wasn’t right, that the “thing” someone was doing to me was intrinsically wrong, was around age 11. I woke in the middle of the night and two of my older brothers were standing over my bed and had their hands on me where they shouldn’t have. I was shocked at first and then I felt afraid! I couldn’t understand why they were doing this. I was so embarrassed that I just lay there pretending I was asleep. I can’t remember how many times it happened, probably a few. I must have blocked it out. I learned later on that blocking out details of the memory is very common when you’ve been violated. I also recall feeling shame, that I had to hide it and pretend it wasn’t happening. I just knew in my heart, true or not, that I would be blamed for this awful thing being done to me. I don’t know why they stopped but remember being so relieved that they did! As I grew older, I was very guarded since they were still trying to invade my privacy by coming onto the roof of my second-floor bedroom window to see what they could. I so hated that they didn’t treat me with respect.

Then at age 12, I met a man who was living in the neighborhood that was over 21 and a “recovering heroin” addict. He told me he was taking methadone although I had no idea what it was. He was a small man, soft spoken and spoke kind words. It seemed like he cared about me; unlike my brothers and father, who were hurtful and critical. He convinced me to go to his apartment nearby. So, I went and found myself being raped. The strange thing was although I was a virgin and very afraid, he didn’t have to force me. I thought he cared and wanted to be with me. I was starved for affection from a father or brother figure and it seemed he was going to give it to me. I was extremely uncomfortable when he was on top of me. And there was pain when he penetrated. I never saw him after that day. But the feelings of being violated and taken advantage of, stayed with me for a very long time. In fact, these feelings were part of what shaped the way I saw myself. That I was, as an object to be used for pleasure, not to be respected or confided in; I believed I was not lovable nor did I have any worth.

After that incident, I became promiscuous and was easy prey for older boys and men who took advantage of me to satisfy their sexual appetites. I had formed the opinion that if I wanted them to give me any attention, I had to give them sex. Now, I understand, that the only men who would expect a young woman to betray herself in this way are dysfunctional, perverted and selfish.

At the age of 14, I was hitchhiking my way to school, which was common back in the 70’s, when a man picked me up but didn’t take me to my destination. He brought me to his apartment and we sat in his van as he urged me to come in “just for a few minutes”. I remember thinking that I didn’t want to go; I was so afraid of what he might do. Then he said “if you come in, I’ll take you to where you want to go”. I felt I had no choice. I had no idea where we were. So, against my inner voice screaming NO, I went in and he promptly forced himself on me. I cried and begged him to stop the whole time. When he was done, he brought me to my school and dropped me off like it was an everyday thing for him! I couldn’t wait to get away, I felt sick and so dirty! I believed it was my fault and again, I felt so much shame. In my young and insecure mind, I believed I could have avoided it.

I never told a soul, not even the sister who I felt closest to; she took me in when I ran away from home but, not immediately. When I first left to get away from my extremely dysfunctional home environment, I lived on the streets and was exposed to very unstable people. This lifestyle was a hotbed for abusive behavior.

From that time until I was about 16, I was violated two more times, once in the park in broad daylight and twice on a dark road and then in a park (same man). There were other close calls that I was able to avoid but it seemed that every man I came in contact with wanted to take advantage of me and have sex. I had lost hope that any man could care for or cherish me as a person, as a woman.

From the age of 14-24, I can remember having sex with countless men along my journey. In my younger years, I would sleep with them and find myself crying, there were a couple that asked me why but I couldn’t explain it to them. All I knew was that it made me feel so empty and used, like an old garment to be discarded.

At the age of 24, I met a man through a friend who also lived a promiscuous lifestyle. I assume he was attracted to me physically but it was most likely more the case that he saw me as an easy “score”. He wooed me by telling me what I wanted to hear. I was desperate for affection and attention from men. I remember asking him if he had protection and he said he had a vasectomy so I didn’t need to worry. Several weeks later when my menstrual cycle was late, I discovered he lied to me to serve his lustful desire. I was pregnant by a man who I barely knew! I had no idea what I was going to do and I felt like a fool to find myself in such a predicament. This wasn’t supposed to happen to me. I was single and carefree!

In my next blog, I will share with you, how I met Jesus and how He brought light into my dark existence. How He took this broken woman, who was deep in her sin and shame and loved her and healed her. I am still amazed by His love and grace in my life.

See Part 2 below.

Blessings,

Luci

See Luci’s Story (Part 2) below.

 

Luci’s Story (Part 2): God Blessed My Broken Road

 

In my last blog, (Part 1) Innocence Lost, I left off having just learned that I was pregnant by a man I knew nothing about, except for his name. He had lied to me, saying I couldn’t get pregnant, but there I was with this huge dilemma. I was a single “carefree” career woman who had no desire or emotional stability to carry or care for a child.

Because of my dysfunctional lifestyle and fear of intimacy in the healthy sense, I had very few friends in which to confide in. And the one woman who I did spend time with was the angry mother of a 10-year-old, unwanted girl; this woman is the one who introduced me to the man who I got pregnant by. When I told her I was pregnant and didn’t know what to do, she said “get rid of it, you don’t want this kid.” It made me so sad, and all I could think about is not wanting to end up resenting and treating my child with contempt the way she treated her daughter. In spite of my strong feelings of uneasiness, I scheduled an appointment for an abortion, at a place called the Presidential Women’s Center. And as I look back on my experience, there was nothing pro woman about this place. They were doing abortions by the score, making so much money on women who were fearful, uninformed and desperate! I remember feeling a sense of despair in the waiting room; there were no smiling faces, no peace or joy.

I was so afraid as I lay on that cold medical table, looking at the equipment around me that would ultimately suck my baby’s life from my womb. It took just a few moments to tear apart the little human life inside that God had so perfectly knit together! I can remember feeling a sense of intense sadness when it was over. I just got out of that dark place as quickly as I could. And I cried for months over this decision. I tried to go back to my life of partying and living as though my actions didn’t matter, but it wasn’t working; I was miserable and empty.

While trying to carry on and live my life in the midst of my hopelessness, God consistently introduced me to faithful followers of Jesus Christ. As they shared their lives, testimony and love for Jesus, I began to open up to the possibility of learning more about this “loving Savior.” I wondered to myself, if this God could love someone like me. One day I asked a woman who had been sharing, to borrow a Bible, and she was more than happy to do so!

As I began to read, I found myself fascinated with God’s amazing Word. I don’t remember what my reasoning was at the time, but I went to the back of the Bible and started reading in Revelation. I was so intrigued, and it all seemed so surreal with the incredible images, angels and the way that John described the Lord Jesus Christ! He was larger than life, so bright, with His white robe and golden sash, white hair and eyes that were like blazing fire! Prior to this, the only way I saw Him depicted was lifeless on the cross with a crown of thorns on His head.

Then I began to explore more of this incredible collection of writings. I went into the Gospel of John and then Romans. Shortly thereafter, while sitting in my apartment, just me and God, I prayed to Jesus, telling Him that if He was who His witnesses said He was, I wanted to KNOW Him! I asked Him to forgive my sins, enter my heart and be Lord of my life. When I sincerely opened myself up, I sensed an amazing change in my heart, my emotions and attitude. I felt an incredible sense of freedom and hope. I could actually sense a dramatic shift in my psyche and felt the closeness of God’s Spirit. It was the most incredible day of my life! I was free for the first time since I was a little child! And this transformation took place, precisely nine months after aborting my little child. Coincidence? I think not. God had a plan for my life, not only to be healed and set free from all the abuse and oppression of my past, but He would use me to lead others out of the darkness and into His loving arms.

That day, I went in a new direction, seeking to know God in every way I could. I began attending church and reading the Bible daily. I read the Gospels that taught me all about how and why Jesus came to earth, to save us from our sins, the second death and eternal separation from Him. As I continued to read on my own and with others, my faith and desire to share God’s love grew. I had a new purpose for my life, and it was sent from Heaven!

The journey with my Lord continues today and will never end; I am His for all eternity! So, the Holy Spirit will continue to mold me into the image of Jesus until the day I go home or He returns. My peace and joy continue to grow as I draw closer the the one who loves me unconditionally! I have forgiven those who hurt me in my past, and I am completely free!

“So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” John 8:36

 

Blessings,

Luci

Angel of Light (Part 1 & 2)

Angel of Light (Part 1 & 2)

Luci’s blog

Angel of Light (Part 1)

There he was with his beautiful smile and wavy brown hair with streaks of sunlight in it and those eyes! They had mischief in them and flirted with me! I just knew He was an answer to my prayers, finally!

I was 33. I had been following Jesus for 8 years and loved serving Him. I was involved in multiple ministries, leading post abortion recovery groups (having experienced my own horrific abortion experience), women’s ministry, church functions and small group bible studies.

I desperately wanted to be married and have a family. I felt so out of place in the church, with the couples (both younger and older) and their children that seemed to be everywhere. But I promised my Lord that I would not sleep with any man or marry unless He chose that man, one who I could serve Him with. I prayed fervently and waited impatiently. But 8 years passed and I was growing anxious as I felt my biological clock ticking away! At this point I was beyond the point that most couples began their families; I was becoming very anxious about my singleness.

My “prince” was charming, friendly and polite. He captured my heart the moment I laid eyes on him. I shared my faith with him and he said all the right things that lead me to believe he too followed God. But the deeper into our relationship I went, the more red flags I saw that told me to “RUN”! But I was so infatuated with the idea of being his girl, marrying and raising our own family that I couldn’t see the danger I was heading toward. Satan used this man to lure me into a trap. He lead me to believe that this could work. But the harder I tried to conform this man to my ideal god fearing partner, the more evident it became that he would not.

At first, I refused to sleep with him, attempting to keep my promise to God while dancing with the devil. By this time, several months into the relationship, all my protection and resistance was gone. I stopped going to church, abandoned all my ministries and isolated from my believing sisters. I gave in to his constant seductions and once I had sex with him, I felt truly trapped. I had the overwhelming sense that I made a grave mistake! But I believed I had to marry him so I could honor my promise to God that I wouldn’t sleep with any man until I was married. It sounds ridiculous now but the guilt and condemnation I put myself under was suffocating. Along with that I had succumbed to his control over my life; he was a master manipulator and I felt that I was under his spell. Little did I know, he was just a pawn of the devil, using this relationship to pull me further and further from my Lord.

I was stressed out, couldn’t eat, had insomnia (cried in the dark most nights), experienced panic attacks and lost all my confidence and joy.

My prince turned into a nightmare! He manipulated me and criticized my words and actions. He slept with other women and lied about it even when I exposed him. He turned out to be a very warped and perverted individual. He was literally a pawn of the devil and didn’t know it. It took me three years to see it and finally get help. When I gained the courage to stand up to him, I threw him out and began my journey back to intimacy with God.

In Christ’s love,

Luci

See Angel of Light (Part 2) below.

Luci’s blog

Angel of Light (Part 2)

In Part 1 of this story, I left off when I threw the man out, I will call “abuser” that had been living with me, who I was allowing to ruin my testimony, my peace of mind and keeping me from a relationship with the Lord. I had discovered that you cannot serve Jesus and the devil or another way to put it is, ungodly/sinful desires, at the same time.

He had threatened me as I told him to leave so I worried that he would retaliate, having seen him do it to others who crossed him. But I had turned a corner and began to trust in the Lord again so I was resolved. Although I knew I had done the right thing, I was so unsure of my future. And in spite of feeling so broken and vulnerable, I trusted the Lord and moved towards Him. I asked for forgiveness for leaving the path He had so firmly planted me on and asked him to restore me to Himself.

Through the tears and the shame, I began my journey back to my Lord, one step, one day at a time. I began attending church again and as I sat in the services, I felt numb and unable to respond. I just took it all in and allowed the Lord to begin the healing process on my heart, mind and my sick body. I got back into the bible and read everyday and slowly returned to fellowship with other believers which was so good for me! It took five plus years to be restored to the closeness that I once had with the Lord and to feel confident in my role as His child.

I still had a deep longing to be married but this time I was leaving it up to the Lord. I learned that I could not make it happen on my own, not the way God would have it for me! I knew I wanted to be with a devoted follower of Christ, a man who would put Jesus first in all things and cherish me the way God intended.

After a couple of years no men of this caliber had come into my life so, I assumed that the Lord intended for me to be single. And shortly after I accepted this and began to settle on the idea that God would use me in my singleness, He sent me a godly, ethical, gracious man who would eventually become my husband! The way we met could only have come from the Lord! We lived in different countries and found one another on a

Christian dating website. So after 42 years, I married my soul mate. It has been 17 wonderful years that we’ve been together. He is perfect for me!

If you ask me, would I want to go through that horrible relationship with the abuser again to get where I am today, I would say NO. But having experienced it, I can appreciate how God provides and does it so much better than we can imagine! Praise Him for His faithfulness!

In Christ’s love,

Luci