Luci’s Story (Part 1): Innocence Lost
I was a happy child, playing outside, rain or shine. I enjoyed going to school, coloring, playing Jax, jump rope, hop scotch and all the things little girls like to do. But my favorite pass time of all was hanging with all sorts of animals I came in contact with in my neighborhood. Dogs were my very favorite; I loved them so very much! I suppose it was because of their incredible ability to give me unconditional love and lots of attention.
The first time I recall feeling something wasn’t right, that the “thing” someone was doing to me was intrinsically wrong, was around age 11. I woke in the middle of the night and two of my older brothers were standing over my bed and had their hands on me where they shouldn’t have. I was shocked at first and then I felt afraid! I couldn’t understand why they were doing this. I was so embarrassed that I just lay there pretending I was asleep. I can’t remember how many times it happened, probably a few. I must have blocked it out. I learned later on that blocking out details of the memory is very common when you’ve been violated. I also recall feeling shame, that I had to hide it and pretend it wasn’t happening. I just knew in my heart, true or not, that I would be blamed for this awful thing being done to me. I don’t know why they stopped but remember being so relieved that they did! As I grew older, I was very guarded since they were still trying to invade my privacy by coming onto the roof of my second-floor bedroom window to see what they could. I so hated that they didn’t treat me with respect.
Then at age 12, I met a man who was living in the neighborhood that was over 21 and a “recovering heroin” addict. He told me he was taking methadone although I had no idea what it was. He was a small man, soft spoken and spoke kind words. It seemed like he cared about me; unlike my brothers and father, who were hurtful and critical. He convinced me to go to his apartment nearby. So, I went and found myself being raped. The strange thing was although I was a virgin and very afraid, he didn’t have to force me. I thought he cared and wanted to be with me. I was starved for affection from a father or brother figure and it seemed he was going to give it to me. I was extremely uncomfortable when he was on top of me. And there was pain when he penetrated. I never saw him after that day. But the feelings of being violated and taken advantage of, stayed with me for a very long time. In fact, these feelings were part of what shaped the way I saw myself. That I was, as an object to be used for pleasure, not to be respected or confided in; I believed I was not lovable nor did I have any worth.
After that incident, I became promiscuous and was easy prey for older boys and men who took advantage of me to satisfy their sexual appetites. I had formed the opinion that if I wanted them to give me any attention, I had to give them sex. Now, I understand, that the only men who would expect a young woman to betray herself in this way are dysfunctional, perverted and selfish.
At the age of 14, I was hitchhiking my way to school, which was common back in the 70’s, when a man picked me up but didn’t take me to my destination. He brought me to his apartment and we sat in his van as he urged me to come in “just for a few minutes”. I remember thinking that I didn’t want to go; I was so afraid of what he might do. Then he said “if you come in, I’ll take you to where you want to go”. I felt I had no choice. I had no idea where we were. So, against my inner voice screaming NO, I went in and he promptly forced himself on me. I cried and begged him to stop the whole time. When he was done, he brought me to my school and dropped me off like it was an everyday thing for him! I couldn’t wait to get away, I felt sick and so dirty! I believed it was my fault and again, I felt so much shame. In my young and insecure mind, I believed I could have avoided it.
I never told a soul, not even the sister who I felt closest to; she took me in when I ran away from home but, not immediately. When I first left to get away from my extremely dysfunctional home environment, I lived on the streets and was exposed to very unstable people. This lifestyle was a hotbed for abusive behavior.
From that time until I was about 16, I was violated two more times, once in the park in broad daylight and twice on a dark road and then in a park (same man). There were other close calls that I was able to avoid but it seemed that every man I came in contact with wanted to take advantage of me and have sex. I had lost hope that any man could care for or cherish me as a person, as a woman.
From the age of 14-24, I can remember having sex with countless men along my journey. In my younger years, I would sleep with them and find myself crying, there were a couple that asked me why but I couldn’t explain it to them. All I knew was that it made me feel so empty and used, like an old garment to be discarded.
At the age of 24, I met a man through a friend who also lived a promiscuous lifestyle. I assume he was attracted to me physically but it was most likely more the case that he saw me as an easy “score”. He wooed me by telling me what I wanted to hear. I was desperate for affection and attention from men. I remember asking him if he had protection and he said he had a vasectomy so I didn’t need to worry. Several weeks later when my menstrual cycle was late, I discovered he lied to me to serve his lustful desire. I was pregnant by a man who I barely knew! I had no idea what I was going to do and I felt like a fool to find myself in such a predicament. This wasn’t supposed to happen to me. I was single and carefree!
In my next blog, I will share with you, how I met Jesus and how He brought light into my dark existence. How He took this broken woman, who was deep in her sin and shame and loved her and healed her. I am still amazed by His love and grace in my life.
See Part 2 below.
See Luci’s Story (Part 2) below.
Luci’s Story (Part 2): God Blessed My Broken Road
In my last blog, (Part 1) Innocence Lost, I left off having just learned that I was pregnant by a man I knew nothing about, except for his name. He had lied to me, saying I couldn’t get pregnant, but there I was with this huge dilemma. I was a single “carefree” career woman who had no desire or emotional stability to carry or care for a child.
Because of my dysfunctional lifestyle and fear of intimacy in the healthy sense, I had very few friends in which to confide in. And the one woman who I did spend time with was the angry mother of a 10-year-old, unwanted girl; this woman is the one who introduced me to the man who I got pregnant by. When I told her I was pregnant and didn’t know what to do, she said “get rid of it, you don’t want this kid.” It made me so sad, and all I could think about is not wanting to end up resenting and treating my child with contempt the way she treated her daughter. In spite of my strong feelings of uneasiness, I scheduled an appointment for an abortion, at a place called the Presidential Women’s Center. And as I look back on my experience, there was nothing pro woman about this place. They were doing abortions by the score, making so much money on women who were fearful, uninformed and desperate! I remember feeling a sense of despair in the waiting room; there were no smiling faces, no peace or joy.
I was so afraid as I lay on that cold medical table, looking at the equipment around me that would ultimately suck my baby’s life from my womb. It took just a few moments to tear apart the little human life inside that God had so perfectly knit together! I can remember feeling a sense of intense sadness when it was over. I just got out of that dark place as quickly as I could. And I cried for months over this decision. I tried to go back to my life of partying and living as though my actions didn’t matter, but it wasn’t working; I was miserable and empty.
While trying to carry on and live my life in the midst of my hopelessness, God consistently introduced me to faithful followers of Jesus Christ. As they shared their lives, testimony and love for Jesus, I began to open up to the possibility of learning more about this “loving Savior.” I wondered to myself, if this God could love someone like me. One day I asked a woman who had been sharing, to borrow a Bible, and she was more than happy to do so!
As I began to read, I found myself fascinated with God’s amazing Word. I don’t remember what my reasoning was at the time, but I went to the back of the Bible and started reading in Revelation. I was so intrigued, and it all seemed so surreal with the incredible images, angels and the way that John described the Lord Jesus Christ! He was larger than life, so bright, with His white robe and golden sash, white hair and eyes that were like blazing fire! Prior to this, the only way I saw Him depicted was lifeless on the cross with a crown of thorns on His head.
Then I began to explore more of this incredible collection of writings. I went into the Gospel of John and then Romans. Shortly thereafter, while sitting in my apartment, just me and God, I prayed to Jesus, telling Him that if He was who His witnesses said He was, I wanted to KNOW Him! I asked Him to forgive my sins, enter my heart and be Lord of my life. When I sincerely opened myself up, I sensed an amazing change in my heart, my emotions and attitude. I felt an incredible sense of freedom and hope. I could actually sense a dramatic shift in my psyche and felt the closeness of God’s Spirit. It was the most incredible day of my life! I was free for the first time since I was a little child! And this transformation took place, precisely nine months after aborting my little child. Coincidence? I think not. God had a plan for my life, not only to be healed and set free from all the abuse and oppression of my past, but He would use me to lead others out of the darkness and into His loving arms.
That day, I went in a new direction, seeking to know God in every way I could. I began attending church and reading the Bible daily. I read the Gospels that taught me all about how and why Jesus came to earth, to save us from our sins, the second death and eternal separation from Him. As I continued to read on my own and with others, my faith and desire to share God’s love grew. I had a new purpose for my life, and it was sent from Heaven!
The journey with my Lord continues today and will never end; I am His for all eternity! So, the Holy Spirit will continue to mold me into the image of Jesus until the day I go home or He returns. My peace and joy continue to grow as I draw closer the the one who loves me unconditionally! I have forgiven those who hurt me in my past, and I am completely free!
“So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” John 8:36
Back to Luci’s Blogs