Why Do I struggle with Intimacy?

by Toni Weisz/Abuse Recovery

Scriptures: 1 Corinthians 6:12-20, 7:1-9 and Revelation 21:4

Excerpt taken from an AACC book, The Bible for Hope: Caring for People God’s Way (Pages 1500–1501 by Clifford L. Penner and Joyce J. Penner):
“Women function on two tracks, the emotional and the physical. These must be connected for a woman to be interested and open to intimacy. Women open up when they feel loved and connected with their husbands.”

The problem we have as women who have experienced abortion and/or abuse is we are not deeply connected emotionally. We have a fear of intimacy. Intimacy does not come easy for us. We have built a wall around ourselves to keep us safe and protected. But those walls have become our prison cell, and we are locked behind them, feeling all alone and isolated. We cannot give or receive love in this place.

We need someone to come and rescue us. We need our Savior, Jesus, to come and slowly take the bricks away that are around our heart so we can slowly walk out of this prison into more intentional and intimate relationships with people. It can be scary at first, but Jesus is leading us with His righteous right hand. We are safe with Him.

How do we finally break free and trust again? It is a very slow process that can take many, many years. I was struggling to be more intimate with my husband and to relax and enjoy being with him, instead of just rushing through it, because I have had this wall up around my heart for so long. In the past, he was not a person I trusted to not hurt me emotionally. But I have been seeing some improvement, and he did take good care of me after my surgery back in June 2024. So, I am feeling like it is time to reevaluate that boundary. I have shared this with my accountability partner, and we are both praying about this for me. I want to honor God in my marriage.

I was also plagued with bad memories from my past regarding our relationship. They would come out of nowhere, but I know who the author of it is; the enemy hates marriage, and he would rather I not be the godly, loving wife God created me to be. I am intentionally going back to those unpleasant memories with Jesus holding my hand, and we will revisit those times and situations because I want God’s perspective, His wisdom and guidance, not mine. I want to be healed in those areas. I want to feel love and to be able to show love also. I feel like a robot. I want that to change.

Last year I started a new journal, and I went back to my first memory with my husband and how our relationship started and how I felt. I asked the Lord to remove any blindness so I could see clearly what my part was in the formation of this relationship. I wrote four full pages the first morning, and then I heard the song, Scars in Heaven, and God even showed me a rainbow. He whispered to my heart, “It will be okay, Little Bird; you will be healed in this area. I am with you; you are not alone.” I did this for seven days. And afterwards, I could not recall any of those tormenting and harmful memories. God had taken them all away. Now one year later, I am more able to enjoy intimacy without fear of being hurt. Thank you, Jesus, for that gift.

One day, dear one, all your wounds will be healed. We can experience healing here, but when we get to Glory, there will be no more pain, sorrow, or crying. Jesus will wipe away all our tears. We will finally be healed, whole, and surrounded by perfect Love.

Scars in Heaven by Casting Crowns

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qCdevloDE6E

Questions to take to heart:
1. For those of you who are married, have you struggled with intimacy with your husband? How did you work through that?

2. If you are dating, do you feel comfortable sharing your heart with him? Yes or no? Please explain.

3. Have you had a difficult time having healthy relationships with men in your past? If yes, can you give an example?

4. How can we pray for you?

Thank you for being on this call or reading this blog. It was not an easy one for me to write, but I felt like I needed to share my struggles with you so you feel safe sharing yours. You are safe here, dear one.

Please reach out if you need to talk or pray this week. You can email me at: toni@myashestobeauty.com.

You are loved,
Toni

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