My Wall—My Prison (Part One)

My Wall—My Prison (Part One)

My Wall—My Prison (Part One)

Genesis 1:27, Genesis 2:7, John 8:44, and Luke 15:10

When I look back on my past and try to put all the pieces together, I remember being a very young child, hiding from my father’s anger. He was unpredictable, and I was frightened by him. At the time, my mother was also struggling. At 23 years old, she had rheumatoid arthritis and a husband who was a rageaholic. She would become extremely frustrated and take it out on us kids. It was an extremely difficult time for our family. It was at this point that I began building a wall to protect myself from getting hurt by others. I became very quiet and isolated. It was a way for me to stay out of trouble and the only way I knew how to control my unpredictable environment. Little did I know, this wall would become impenetrable, and I would become a prisoner of it.

Alone and isolated: This was exactly where the enemy wanted me to be so he could torment me and hold me captive, destroying my life. The devil hates anything that God has created, especially humans. He hates humans because we are made in the image of God (Genesis 1:27) and have living souls that connect with God on a deep level (Genesis 2:7). The devil wants humans to bow down and worship him instead of God. How does he accomplish this? He does this by isolating us and lying to us, like he did with me. I built a huge wall around myself, a wall that I did not know would ultimately become my prison cell. He was a murderer from the beginning, as well as a deceiver, liar, and the father of lies (John 8:44). It’s no wonder that he was behind the first sin when Adam and Eve fell in the garden, and also the first murder between their children, Cain and Abel. He is alive and well today in the abortion industry, convincing women that abortion is their only choice.

When I lived behind my wall, I could not receive the love I desperately needed because I was cut off from the rest of the world. When we isolate ourselves, the enemy attacks us the most. We have no one to turn to for love, fellowship, or help. We are alone, tormented by our thoughts and the lies of the enemy. I have learned from experience that when I feel like isolating myself and putting my wall up, I need to do the opposite. So I reach out to someone and ask for help. That’s how I protect myself from the fiery darts of the enemy. I pray this was helpful for you.

All hope is not lost. God performed a miracle on my behalf, and He can on yours too. He pursued and wooed this broken, lonely, and tormented woman. He made me feel safe enough to slowly peek out of the window of my prison cell to hear about the beauty of the Lord and see Him working in my husband’s life. I so desperately wanted to feel loved and connected with another person in a deep and meaningful way. I have heard it said that God created us with a God-shaped hole in each of our hearts. We try to fill this hole with the things of this world, yet only He can fill it.

What I really needed was a Savior: someone who would love me, pursue me, sacrifice His life for me, and tell me I was worth the cost. I was waiting for my prince to come and rescue me, and He did. His name is Jesus, my Savior, my friend, and my Lord. He rescued me from the clutches of the enemy, and I am forever in His debt. I will serve Him all the days of my life, and I will be with Him forever in glory when I pass from this life to the next.

Questions

  1. Have you put up a wall to protect yourself?
  2. Are you still hiding behind that wall?
  3. Are you ready to give God a try and lower your wall, so that He can heal you and love you?
  4. Have you asked Jesus to forgive your sins?Do you believe that He is the sinless, Son of God who died on the cross for your sins, rose from the dead on the third day, and is now sitting at the right hand of the Father in Heaven? If you have not, then today is the day of salvation. The angels rejoice over one sinner that repents (Luke 15:10).

Please let us know how we can help you on your healing journey.

You are loved,
Toni

 

Read My Wall—My Prison (Part Two) HERE
When Is It Safe to Let My Wall Down?

 

Read more of Toni's blogs HERE.
The Lord Will Equip You for Your Calling

The Lord Will Equip You for Your Calling

1st Samuel 17:28, 1st Corinthians 15:58, and Philippians 1:3-6

In 1st Samuel 17, prior to fighting Goliath, David has an encounter with his older brother Eliab. Eliab accuses David of being in sin and being prideful. In 1st Samuel 17:28 we read, “Why did you come down here? And with whom have you left those few sheep in the wilderness? I know your pride and the insolence of your heart, for you have come down to see the battle.”

Many around David, even his own family, tried to discourage him from fighting the giant because of their fears and their lack of trust and confidence in the Lord. The enemy was also at work in this situation, trying to prevent David from obeying the calling God had placed on his life.

Opposition to your calling will sometimes come from your own family and closest friends. It happened to me when I started on my abortion healing journey, back in January 2006. It was Sanctity of Human Life Sunday, and I was sitting in my Sunday School class. The Holy Spirit said to me, “I want you to help other women feel forgiven for their past abortions.” People closest to me said, “You shouldn’t do it because you are not suited for it; you should be working with children instead,” or “It’s too hard for you, and you will not be able to handle all the sorrow and pain associated with abortion.”

So, I did nothing for a few weeks. Shortly thereafter, my Pastor preached on obedience. When I heard this sermon, there was no denying the pull God had on my heart. I had to do this. I went back to that person who had doubted my calling and abilities and said, “You don’t understand, God is calling me to do this and I must obey Him.”

How can we apply this to our lives? First, we must be prepared for many around us, even our own family members, to disagree with our calling. They may cause you to doubt whether you have truly heard from God or not. Many will try to prevent you from fulfilling your God-given calling on your life. They will say, “Are you sure that’s what God is leading you to do?” The enemy will throw everything at you to trip you up, so you do not fulfill your God-given destiny. Your destiny or calling is not something you choose. God is the one who calls you, and He is the one who will equip you for it. In 1st Corinthians 15:58, it says, “Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your labor is not vain in the Lord.”

You are courageous women of God and I want you to be encouraged. God will equip you for the battle you will face in your ministry. God will prepare you for every good work. Keep your eyes on Jesus and He will lead you, protect you, provide for you, and guide you, all the days of your life.

I would like to pray this prayer over you:

Philippians 1:3-6

“I thank my God upon every remembrance of you, always in every prayer of mine making request for you all with joy, for your fellowship in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ;”

Follow the Lord’s leading, dear one; He can be trusted. He will always lead you to walk on the path of truth, life, and peace.

Reach out today if you need prayer or a word of encouragement. —Toni

Read more of Toni's blogs HERE.

Idolatry and Codependency

Idolatry and Codependency

Idolatry and Codependency
Abortion Recovery/Recovery Tools
Exodus 20:3-5a

Exodus 20:3-5a “You shall have no other gods before Me. “You shall not make for yourself a carved image—any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth; you shall not bow down to them nor serve (worship) them. For I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God…”

Idolatry is the act of putting something or someone before God in our hearts or minds. Idols are obsessions that consume us. An idol can be a job, money, a sport or hobby, a relationship, or a physical problem; anything that we put before God.

In the past, I have put my husband, my children, tennis, and other people before God. In fact, I became so consumed with what others thought of me, I became whoever they wanted me to be as a result, I didn’t know who I truly was. My fear of rejection and abandonment paired with my need for love and acceptance, made me a people pleaser. I had no boundaries so I accepted unacceptable behavior from others. I could never say no because I didn’t want to disappoint them. I allowed people to manipulate me, control me, and treat me very poorly. Deep down I felt I deserved it, especially after my abortion. I hated myself and felt I was of no value to anyone…not even to God. So, I allowed others to abuse me.

To protect myself, I obsessed over controlling everything and everybody. I didn’t trust anyone and believed they would all hurt me…even God Himself. Not having control was a scary thought for me, so I was afraid to put Him first. In 2010, I joined a recovery program for Adult Child of Alcoholics (ACOA). While there, I realized I had to relinquish control to God and admit that my life had become unmanageable. That’s when I started learning how to trust God. I learned to release individuals and situations into His capable hands, freeing me from carrying those burdens and feeling personally responsible for way too many things. I learned that God wanted to be first in my life. Reading His Word, journaling, and meditating on Scripture first thing in the morning became a daily habit for me. I looked forward to my special time with Him and Him alone, everyday

According to Mental Health America, the definition of codependency is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive (https://www.mhanational.org/co-dependency). In recovery, I learned about the condition of codependency and how I was so intertwined with other people’s lives that I could not detach myself from them. Their lives affected mine too much. I had to step back and allow them to make their own decisions, learn from their mistakes, and experience consequences for their own actions. I no longer had to jump in to fix, rescue, or save others. I learned that I am not God, nor can I control another person. I grew up believing I had the power to make people happy or sad by my words and actions; that was a lie from the devil. I never had that much control. Once I realized this, I surrendered to God and gave Him all the people and situations in my life I had tried to control. Finally, for the first time ever, I was responsible only for myself.

Twelve years later, I now see how God directed my path. He led me to get the help I needed so that I could be set free to live the abundant life Jesus came to give me. He has taken my ashes and my sins and has used them for my good and His glory. I am so grateful for His faithfulness and love over the years. I would not be where I am today if it wasn’t for Jesus leading and guiding me.

Questions & Closing Thoughts:

IDOL’ATRY, n. L. idol latria. Gr. idol, and to worship or serve.

  1. The worship of idols, images, or anything made by hands, or which is not God. Idolatry is of two kinds; the worship of images, statues, pictures, etc. made by hands; and the worship of the heavenly bodies, the sun, moon and stars, or of demons, angels, men and animals.
  2. Excessive attachment or veneration (great respect or reverence) for anything, or that which borders on adoration.

(Definitions from Webster’s American Dictionary of the English Language, 1828.)

  1. Do you have idols in your life?
  2. Did you have codependency issues in you past? How did you overcome them?
  3. Do you trust God and are you putting Him first? If not, what are you afraid of?

I pray that this topic has given you awareness about some areas in your life that God wants you to change. God bless you as you seek His wisdom and guidance.

You are loved,

—Toni

Read more of Toni's blogs HERE.
Self-Pity

Self-Pity

Self-Pity

Philippians 2:2-4, Galatians 5:22-23

God wants me to spend less time thinking of myself, and more time thinking of Him and others.

Self-pity is being consumed with thoughts about oneself, usually regarding some unfair situation or treatment by others. Self-pity is feeling sorry for yourself and asking yourself questions like, “Why Me? Why is God not doing something about this situation that I am in?”

I feel self-pity when I perceive an injustice, when I am feeling rejected or left out, when I compare myself to other women, or when I am hurt and disappointed by another’s actions. Self-pity is a dark, slippery, deep hole. In this pit I feel alone, abandoned by others, and tormented.

When I focus on self and not God, I have a distorted view of truth. I feel hopelessness because I am doing things in my own strength. I cannot see how my circumstances can change because I am powerless to change them. When I focus on self and not God, the enemy sees that I am vulnerable and attacks me with his fiery darts. My head and eyes are cast down, I am heavy with no energy, and I feel all alone. When I am looking down, I cannot see God and be thankful for all the things He does for me on a daily basis. This is the enemy’s plan. He wants me to isolate myself from God and others. He wants me to focus on that one thing I don’t have, and he continues to lie to me until I start believing him. Then, he has me exactly where he wants me. His purpose in this world is to steal, kill, and destroy me, my testimony, my joy, and my trust in God.

I also know I am in self-pity mode when I compare myself to other women, being critical and judgmental towards them. This happens when I am feeling insecure about myself and I am not walking in the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23). When I catch myself thinking like this and speaking harsh things, I immediately recognize I am in sin, confess this to God, and ask for forgiveness. Instead of judging others, I need to look for the similarities between us and seek out the good in them. Who am I to judge another person? Only Jesus is Judge. I am commanded by God to love others.

How can we get out of the pit of despair and negative thoughts?

  • The Word of God replaces those negative thoughts and lies with His truth. It is His truth that makes us free. (John 8:32)

     

  • By focusing on others. We read in Philippians 2:2-4: “Fulfill my joy by being like-minded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind. Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others. Let His mind be in you (The mind that was in Christ).”

In His love & service,

Toni

Read more of Toni's blogs HERE.

Bread from Heaven-toni-weisz-abortion-recovery-and-abuse-support-group

Bread from Heaven-toni-weisz-abortion-recovery-and-abuse-support-group

I would rather go back to what is familiar even if it is bondage…

Exodus 16: 3-4a
And the children of Israel said to them, “Oh that we had died by the hand of the Lord in the land of Egypt, when we sat by the pots of meat and when we ate bread to the full! For you have brought us out into the wilderness to kill this whole assembly with hunger.” Then the Lord said to Moses, “Behold I will rain bread from heaven for you….”

When the children of Israel’s trials were too hard for them to bear, they wanted to go back to what was familiar: slavery in Egypt.

How many of us can relate to wanting to go back to the dysfunctional relationships or sins of our past because there is comfort in knowing what to expect?

Change is hard because it’s unfamiliar; there is no safety or comfort in it. But God doesn’t want us to stay in our dysfunction. He wants us healed. He wants us to trust Him completely with every area of our lives.

God provided the children of Israel with bread that literally dropped out of the sky, He called it, “Bread from Heaven.” If God did that for them, don’t you think He can help you too? I think the answer is Yes!!!

Let me ask you, what are you still trying to control and refuse to release into God’s Hands?

God wants you to trust Him to lead, guide, and provide for you. He has a beautiful plan for your life. Honestly, at this point, what do you have to lose? If anything, you have much to gain.

Step out dear one, and let God take control; you will not regret this decision.

If you need prayer or encouragement, reach out and we will be happy to pray with you.

God Bless you!

Toni and the Team at myashestobeauty.com

Read more of Toni's blogs HERE.