Our Dashed Dreams

Our Dashed Dreams

Our Dashed Dreams
by Toni Weisz/Spiritual Disciplines

Jeremiah 29:11 (NKJV)
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.

Isaiah 61:7 (ESV)
Instead of your shame there shall be a double portion; instead of dishonor they shall rejoice in their lot; therefore in their land they shall possess a double portion; they shall have everlasting joy.

I never imagined I would abort my first child. I grew up in a large Italian family (my mom was one of ten children). At our family get- togethers there were always children running around. I was the oldest granddaughter so it was my job to look after the younger ones so the adults could talk without interruptions. I loved children and I even thought about getting a teaching degree. What happened to my childhood dreams? How did I go so far off the path I thought would be my life?

Sin destroyed my dreams. I decided that being the “good quiet one” wasn’t working for me anymore. I wasn’t getting the love and attention I needed so I decided to take matters into my own hands – a true recipe for disaster. At 12 years old, I started experimenting with alcohol and began sneaking shots of scotch whiskey while my parents were at my brother’s football practices. My sister and I were left at home to do the dishes for a short while but that’s all the devil needed – a little bit of time to get me alone and wanting. My child-brain started thinking of ways to get my needs met, but in unhealthy ways. This destructive path the enemy led me down was one of drugs, alcohol, numerous sexual partners, and then my abortion at 21. It was a dark and destructive journey. I hid in my secrets and was tormented by the devil. How did I get here? One bad choice after another after another…it happens that fast.

I would continue in this self-destructive pattern for 22 years. Thankfully, God finally rescued me at the age of 34, when I heard the gospel for the first time. Jesus died on the cross for MY SINS. I had never heard that before. I desperately needed and wanted someone to take all my sins, shame, and guilt. I needed a Savior – someone to love me just for me. I found all those things in a relationship with Jesus. I am so grateful for the love, forgiveness, and peace I found in Him.

God has turned my mourning into joy. He has given me a new name, a new life, and a new calling. No matter what you have done in your past, God is able to forgive and redeem what the devil has stolen. You can still have a wonderful, fulfilling, God-glorifying life-it just may look a little different from your original plan. But rest assured, God is a good Father and has a good plan for your life. Will you allow Him to help you dream new dreams?

Questions & Final Thoughts:

  1. What were some of your childhood dreams?
  2. Did the devil steal your dreams of having children and a family?
  3. How have you been able to move on and dream new dreams?

I pray that the Lord will minister to your broken heart and give you new dreams.

I hope you know how much you are loved,
Toni

Read more of Toni's blogs HERE!

Spiritual Warfare in the Post-Abortion Bible Studies

Spiritual Warfare in the Post-Abortion Bible Studies

Spiritual Warfare in the Post Abortion Bible Studies
By Toni Weisz/Spiritual Warfare (Toni’s Blogs)
Psalm 91:1-12

Why is spiritual warfare so intense when women decide to step out to be healed from a past abortion?

I have been in the post-abortion ministry since 2006, when I went through my first post-abortion recovery Bible study. Unfortunately, no one prepared me for what was going to be one of the most tragic and saddest times of my life. Satan came in and ripped my family to shreds. My husband and children stopped speaking to each other; my husband and I had a huge conflict; my son’s roommate stopped paying rent and stole from him; my daughter broke up with her boyfriend because of a porn addiction. All of this started two-and-a-half weeks into my first post-abortion recovery Bible study. I was in shock, and I was numb. Much of that time is still a blur to me.

To give you a better idea of how this all started, allow me to set the scene for you.

It was January 22, 2006, Sanctity of Human Life Sunday. I was sitting in my Sunday school class learning about the book of Jeremiah. More specifically, we were discussing how God called Jeremiah to be a prophet from the womb. Our teacher asked each of us, “What has God called you to do?”

For years I had asked God to reveal my calling to me. Up until that day, I thought it was just to be a godly wife and mother. But the Holy Spirit spoke to my heart and said, “I want you to help other women feel forgiven for their past abortions.”

Immediately, I raised my hand and told our group what God had just shared with me. I then shared with my Pastor after the service what God had said. I was so excited but had no idea what this would mean or how this would change my life forever.

So, I told my husband, “God wants me to help other women heal from their past abortions.” His reaction was, “No, that’s not good for you; that will be too hard. You should be in children’s ministry. You will be happier there.”

To respect my husband, I did nothing. I just waited. During the third week of waiting, my Pastor preached on obedience. The Holy Spirit moved in me so strongly that I couldn’t let it go. I went to my husband again and said, “John, you don’t understand. God is calling me to this, and I have to obey.” Thus began my healing journey.

Over the years, I have learned so much from the things that have happened to me on this journey. It has shaped the way I think, speak, and treat others. Unfortunately, I was not treated with kindness during the early parts of my journey.

Instead, I received harsh, condemning feedback and was told it was my fault my marriage was not going well and that I was in sin. These painful words led me to accept unacceptable treatment from my husband. My facilitators and mentors did not have experience in any kind of recovery work or co-dependency issues. They did not recognize I was being bullied and emotionally abused.

I thank God for the equipping He has given me. He has given me patience, gentleness, and love toward women who have lost a child to abortion. I know from experience that many factors go into the decision to have an abortion. We don’t grow up as young girls thinking, “I want to abort my baby.” No. It’s not a natural thing for a woman to do.

I decided to write this blog post about the spiritual warfare surrounding post-abortion recovery because many of us will be involved in these healing Bible studies in some capacity. Whether you are a prayer partner, co-facilitator, or a participant, each of us will experience some kind of spiritual warfare.

Know this: the enemy does not want Christian women healed from a past abortion. He wants to keep us in bondage and chains, locked away in a dungeon to be tormented. This frightening truth inspired the name of our eBook, “Leading Them into His Light.” Long before the eBook, God gave me a vision of a dungeon and women sitting in darkness and in chains. Jesus held my hand as I went into the dungeons to grab the women out so they could be rescued from the enemy. It’s a beautiful picture of God’s love for us.

Our eBook is available on our website for a donation of any amount. In it, we share 17 women’s abortion stories (including my own) and how God turned our ashes into something beautiful for our good and His glory.

Right now, the enemy is trying to trip you up. I am experiencing it in my own home, and you might be also. The enemy will use those closest to you to take you down and discourage you. But do not waiver. God is greater and stronger than the enemy. Stay close to Him and He will protect you.

About six months ago I started reading Psalm 91 every day. I suggest you meditate upon it too. It will strengthen you for the inevitable battle ahead.

 

Questions & Closing Thoughts:

  1. What spiritual warfare have you experienced as a result of stepping out and wanting to be healed from a past abortion?

    2. What do you do to protect yourself from the enemy’s fiery darts?

    I am looking forward to an exciting year in which more women will be healed from the trauma of abortion. With the healing power of Jesus, we can reach even more women and stop this cycle of death in their families.

You are loved,
Toni

Read more of Toni's blogs HERE!

The Prodigal Son

The Prodigal Son

 

The Prodigal Son
By Toni Weisz/Abuse Recovery

Luke 15:11-24, Jeremiah 31:3b-c, Luke 15:10, II Corinthians 5:21a, Ephesians 2:1b, Luke 15:10, Revelation 7:9, Romans 8:15b-c, Revelation 19:9, and Romans 8:35

Luke 15:11-24

Then He said: “A certain man had two sons. And the younger of them said to his father, ‘Father, give me the portion of goods that falls to me.’ So he divided to them his livelihood. And not many days after, the younger son gathered all together, journeyed to a far country, and there wasted his possessions with prodigal (wasteful) living. But when he had spent all, there arose a severe famine in that land, and he began to be in want. Then he went and joined himself to a citizen of that country, and he sent him into his fields to feed swine. And he would gladly have filled his stomach with the pods that the swine ate, and no one gave him anything.

“But when he came to himself, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired servants have bread enough and to spare, and I perish with hunger! I will arise and go to my father, and will say to him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you, and I am no longer worthy to be called your son. Make me like one of your hired servants.” ’

“And he arose and came to his father. But when he was still a great way off, his father saw him and had compassion, and ran and fell on his neck and kissed him. And the son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and in your sight, and am no longer worthy to be called your son.’

“But the father said to his servants, ‘Bring out the best robe and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand and sandals on his feet. And bring the fatted calf here and kill it, and let us eat and be merry; for this my son was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ And they began to be merry.”

Some have called this, “The Running Father,” instead of, “The Prodigal Son,” because it’s the actions of the father in these scriptures that give a glimpse into the very heart of God, our heavenly Father, towards us, His children. I can imagine the father looking to the horizon every day for a glimpse of his son returning home. And every day, losing hope that he would return. Then one day, he spots his son and is filled with compassion for him. He girds up his loins (takes his robe from back to front between his legs and tucks it into his belt) and runs to his son. During Biblical times, a man of his stature in the community would not do such a thing in public, but he didn’t care what others thought. I read that the son could have been banned from the town or humiliated publicly, because he dishonored his father and their town with his sinful actions. This was another possible reason why the father ran to his son; he wanted to protect him from the humiliation and judgement of others.

Let’s put ourselves in the shoes of the prodigal son. Didn’t we run away from the homes that God had given us in part due to the dysfunction, and/or we wanted to explore the world and live our lives our own ways? All the while, our heavenly Father is watching and looking for us to return home to Him. How it must have broken His heart to see the destructive, ungodly choices we made. And yet, He loves us with an everlasting love; He yearns for us to come home to Him (Jeremiah 31:3b-c). The angels in heaven rejoice over one sinner who repents (Luke 15:10).

God sent His Son to die for us so we could be set free from the judgment we deserved because of all our sins. I love the correlation between the prodigal son’s father and our heavenly Father. Jesus became sin for us (II Corinthians 5:21a) and was naked, beaten, and crucified, and He died for us. He was humiliated and tortured for me and you. When I think of what Jesus did on the cross for me, I am overwhelmed with gratitude because I know I didn’t deserve it, but I humbly receive this precious gift of salvation that cost God the most precious thing He had, His Son.

Lastly, we too were once dead in our trespasses and sins against God, (Ephesians 2:1b) but when we confessed our sins, like the prodigal son, we were welcomed into the family of God. There was a celebration in heaven the day you received Christ as your Savior (Luke 15:10). God has clothed you in a beautiful white robe (Revelation 7:9), put a ring on your finger, and adopted you into His Holy Family (Romans 8:15b-c). One day, we will all be together for the great feast in heaven, the marriage supper of the Lamb (Revelation 19:9). Hallelujah! Thank you, Jesus!

Thank you, Father, for the gift of adoption into your family. I am no longer an orphan, a stranger, or an outcast; I am yours forever.

Note: To you precious ones who did not have good earthly fathers, it is hard to think of God as a good heavenly Father. Please know that God’s heart broke when he saw the abuse and neglect you suffered at the hands of your earthly fathers. God is not like your earthly fathers; He is kind, gentle, pure, holy, and faithful. He loves you with an everlasting love. Nothing can separate you from the love of God through Christ Jesus our Lord (Romans 8:35).

Questions:

What was your relationship like with your earthly father?

Do you see God as a good and kind Father? If not, please explain.

Please reach out if you need to talk or you need prayer.

You are loved,

Toni

Read more of Toni's blogs HERE!

Abortion: Our Only Option

Abortion: Our Only Option

Abortion: Our Only Option

By Toni Weisz/Spiritual Warfare

Genesis 3:15 and Genesis 1:27

Genesis 3:15

“And I will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your seed and her Seed; He shall bruise your head, and you shall bruise His heel.”

Genesis 1:27

“So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.”

 

It takes courage to be healed from a past abortion. Going back to look at the sins that contributed to our abortion decision is hard.

Did we seek God? No.

Did we ask a Christian friend? No.

Did we ask our parents for help? I didn’t. How about you?

From the time we are little girls, the enemy’s plan is to isolate us. That way, he has us exactly where he wants us when we are faced with life-altering decisions: alone.

In the book of Genesis, we learn that Satan’s purpose was to destroy the seed of the woman who would give birth to the Messiah. God’s response to Satan in the garden describes the struggle that would ensue because of this purpose: “I will put enmity (hostility) between you and the woman, and between your seed and her Seed; He shall bruise your head, and you shall bruise His heel” (Genesis 3:15).

Since that very moment, every child in the womb has become a target for Satan to destroy. Satan hates humans because we are created in the image of God (Genesis 1:27). He takes this hatred one step further by convincing women that abortion is a good thing. How sinister is that? It is evil and unnatural for a woman, a mother, to kill her baby. Yet all of us on this conference call have done just that.

How did we let this happen?

Here are a few questions we can ask ourselves to uncover the reason(s) behind our abortions. I’ve included my own answers.

Questions:

  1. What were the circumstances that lead to your abortion(s)?

Toni: I was in college living an ungodly life filled with drugs, alcohol, and sex. I was running away from my past pain. I just wanted to escape from my life, and this sinful lifestyle gave me some relief for a little while. So, when I found myself pregnant, I was fearful my child would be severely deformed from all the drugs and alcohol. I also feared my parent’s reaction.

  1. When you found out you were pregnant, who did you tell?

Toni: I told one of my housemates who also had an abortion; she said it was no big deal. She had just had one recently. I told one of my boyfriend’s sisters; she even told me where to make an appointment.

  1. Did you tell your parents? If yes, what was their reaction?

Toni: No, I was too fearful of their reaction, and I didn’t want to hurt them. I wish I would have had the courage to tell them. I made a mistake and I needed help, but I did not have the courage to do that.,

  1. Did you talk with the father of the baby? Did he have a say?

Toni: He just assumed I would have an abortion. He didn’t know what his role was. We really didn’t talk about it. The father of that baby is my husband and we will be celebrating our 40th anniversary this year.

  1. Does your abortion decision still bring you deep pain and regret?

Toni: I still mourn the loss of my son, Joseph. But by the grace of God, He has healed me from my past abortion. And I look forward to the day when I will see my son face-to-face. Thank you, God, for this gift.

 

The members of My Ashes to Beauty are here to walk alongside you and to help you. This ministry offers you hope and healing through a relationship with Jesus, the Word of God, the Holy Spirit, and a safe community to share your heart and your tears from your past abortion.

God wants His daughters healed and whole to live the abundant life He came to give them. Please reach out if you need additional help and healing. Email me at arwsg4u2@gmail.com.

You are loved,

Toni

Read more of Toni's blogs HERE!

Familiar Bondage

Familiar Bondage

I would rather go back to what is familiar, even if it is bondage…

Exodus 16:1-4a and John 3:16,

And they took their journey from Elim, and all the congregation of the children of Israel came unto the wilderness of Sin, which is between Elim and Sinai, on the fifteenth day of the second month after their departing out of Egypt. And the whole congregation of Israel murmured against Moses and Aaron in the wilderness: And the children of Israel said to them, “Oh that we had died by the hand of the Lord in the land of Egypt, when we sat by the pots of meat and when we ate bread to the full! For you have brought us out into the wilderness to kill this whole assembly with hunger.” Then the Lord said to Moses, “Behold I will rain bread from heaven for you….”

When the trials of the children of Israel were too hard for them to bear, they wanted to go back to what was familiar: bondage in Egypt. They wanted to be in control; they felt safe knowing what to expect.

How many of us can relate to wanting to go back to the dysfunctional relationships or sins of our past because there is comfort in knowing what to expect? Change is hard because it’s unfamiliar, and there is no safety or comfort in it. But God doesn’t want us to stay in our dysfunction. He wants us healed. He came to set us free from our bondage to sin. He wants us to trust Him completely with every area of our lives.

God provided the children of Israel with bread that literally dropped out of the sky. He called it Manna, “Bread from Heaven.” If God did that for them, don’t you think He can help you too? I think the answer is Yes!!!

What is the spiritual factor to consider when I want to be in control, instead of God being in control?

I am saying to God, “I don’t trust You. I don’t believe You are good. I don’t believe You care about me.”

So, what is the sin I am committing when I don’t trust God? The sin of unbelief.

Definition of faith in Hebrews 11:1 and 11:6: Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen. But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.

Let me ask you, what are you still trying to control and refuse to release into God’s hands?

I learned at a very young age to take control of every area of my life; that, unfortunately, was not a good thing. A 12-year-old is not mature enough to take on such a responsibility. I controlled my voice but I did not use it. I controlled how I performed in school, sports, and in anything I set my mind to do by practicing until I could do something perfectly. When I was older, I controlled my weight by taking speed and diet pills and exercising excessively. I controlled what others perceived about me by wearing a mask to hide my true feelings and identity. It wasn’t until I felt safe to let God in that I was able to relinquish control to Him. By spending time in His Word, I began to understand the heart of God and discovered how much He loves us and wants us to be set free from our pasts, so we can live the abundant lives He came to give us. It’s by relinquishing control to God that we are set free. There is beauty in surrender.

Why are you not trusting God to help you in this area? What are you afraid of?

Relinquishing control was not a comfortable thing for me because I didn’t trust others not to hurt me. I became very self-sufficient and proficient in all I did. I had a huge wall around my heart that no one was going to penetrate, not even God. I grew up with a distorted view of God. I thought He was angry with me and would punish me if I was out of line, which is what I heard and saw as a child. Church was dark; people there spoke in another language, and the atmosphere was not warm and welcoming. So I associated these attributes with God. I felt He was dark, harsh, and unloving, which could not be further from the truth. I was fearful about trusting God because I was afraid of being hurt again. I didn’t know God’s heart toward me. When I got saved in 1994 and came across this verse from John 3:16, “For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life,” I started believing that God does love me. And once I received His love into my heart and believed that He died for me on the cross, I started trusting Him more with my heart. But it was a long process. I am so grateful today for His love. That truth changed my life forever.

I had everything under control, so I thought, until my life and health started spiraling out of control. I couldn’t afford stuff anymore and my health was failing, my marriage was on the brink of divorce, and I didn’t know what to do. I was plagued with suicidal thoughts because I just couldn’t deal with my depression and self-loathing anymore, due to the sins from my past. This was not a life; it was a prison. I was just surviving because I needed someone to take my pain away, someone I could trust to love and accept me for who I was. Did such a person exist?

Dear One,

I want you to know that there is such a person who loves and accepts you for who you are. His name is Jesus, and He is the only one who will love you right where you are. He will never hurt you or force you to do something against your will. He is kind, loving, dependable, faithful, merciful, and forgiving. Jesus is your Savior and friend. Why not relinquish control of your life to God? Honestly, what do you have to lose at this point?

You are loved,

Toni

 

What is the spiritual factor to consider when I want to be in control instead of God being in control?

I am saying to God, “I don’t trust You (God). I don’t believe You (He) are good. I don’t believe You care about me.” So, what is the sin I am committing when I don’t trust God? The sin of unbelief.

Definition of faith in Hebrews 11:1 and 11:6: Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen. But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.

 

Read more of Toni's blogs HERE!