The Uncontrollable Rage Within Me (Part 1)
by Toni Weisz/Abuse Recovery
Scriptures: Ecclesiastes 7:9 and Psalm 4:4
Ecclesiastes 7:9 Be not quick in your spirit to become angry, for anger lodges in the heart of fools. (ESV)
Psalm 4:4 Be angry, and do not sin. Mediate within your heart on your bed, and be still. (ESV)
My home of origin was chaotic and unsafe emotionally. From the time I was a small child, I did not have a voice and hid in the background to keep under the radar. My father was so stressed from his family business that he was always at the boiling point with his temper. I describe him as a rageaholic. He could not control his rage; it controlled him. As a result, my mom frantically tried to control his temper by forcing us kids to be quiet and compliant so as not to make him angry. She was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis at 23 years old. My mom was not equipped to deal with my father’s anger. When the three of us would misbehave, she would react in unhealthy ways. It was a very unpredictable place for a child.
I made decisions that were very unhealthy because I had no one else to turn to. My mom was so busy running around putting out fires, soshe didn’t see that I was struggling. My dad was so exhausted from running the family business, which was very demanding emotionally and physically. As a 12-year-old, I was isolated physically and emotionally, and that’s when the devil entered the picture. I started drinking Scotch whiskey from my parent’s liquor cabinet at 12 years old, using drugs at 13, having sex at 16, and having my abortion at 21.
When I think back on that time, I am so sad for the little girl who just wanted to be loved and cherished but didn’t experience that. Everyone was caught up in their own stuff, and they were not able to clearly see what was going on in our family. But the devil saw it; and man did he have a field day. A special note: I know my parents loved me and did the best they could with what they had.
I learned to wear a mask, hiding my feelings and stuffing them. This stuffing would eventually come out, but it was destructive and harmful. When I was a teenager in college and would get intoxicated, I would try to hurt myself by kicking in my dorm room window and punching doors and walls. I was filled with so much hatred towards myself, and I didn’t know where it was coming from or how to control it. Now looking back, I was angry that I did not receive the love I needed but instead was manipulated and emotionally abused by my family, feeling rejected and alone.
My boyfriend in college took me to the counseling center on campus. They only stirred up my anger even more, and then they would say, “Time is up. See you next week?” I was thinking to myself, “Now what am I supposed to do with all this junk you just brought up?!” I hated this process; there seemed to be no solution. This only caused me to medicate myself even more with drugs and alcohol to numb the pain that was surfacing.
When I would feel the rage building inside me, it was usually caused by a blocked goal or a perceived injustice. I would feel my cheeks getting hot and this thing rising within me. It was like this monster whom I had no control over; I would spew hot volcanic ash on anyone in my way. Then I would be overcome with these intense feelings of shame and guilt. This unhealthy behavioral pattern would last for decades. It was what I saw modeled in my home, and I knew no other way. I wish I wouldn’t have reacted like that, but I didn’t know what to do or who to turn to. Drinking and drugs were my escape from all the pain I had suffered all my life. They worked for a while, but I needed someone to love me just the way I was, someone who could take my pain away. I needed a miracle.
Then one day, I met Jesus, and He took all of my pain, healed my broken heart, and loved me just the way I was. I am so grateful for the day I became His child.
Questions to take to heart:
- Do you struggle with extreme anger/rage due to your past trauma?
- How have you handled this in your past?
- Have you been able to conquer this monster?
- How were you able to do that?
- How can we pray for you?
I pray this topic has been helpful for you. Please reach out if you need to talk or if you need prayer: toni@myashestobeauty.com.
You are loved,
Toni
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My Uncontrollable Rage Within Me (Part 2)
by Toni Weisz/Abuse Recovery
Scriptures: Psalm 27:10, 141:3, and Ephesians 4:26-27, 29-32
Psalm 27:10
When my father and mother forsake me, then the Lord will take care of me.
Psalm 141:3
Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips.
Ephesians 4:26-27, 29-32
Be angry, and do not sin: do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil. Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away with all malice. And be kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.
How did I finally start having control over my anger? This was a very long and hard process. First, I had to go back to my home of origin to understand why I was so angry. I learned that I felt unloved and rejected, and I had no voice because I stuffed everything. My home was unpredictable, and I was scared. So, I hid in the shadows. My sister and brother had my parents very busy so I could slip in and out and sneak this and that, pretty much undetected by them, while keeping my, “good, quiet one,” persona going.
I was saved at the age of 34, and God gave me an insatiable desire to read the Word of God. I would spend hours every day reading the Word and memorizing Scripture, and it was slowly transforming my life and healing my broken soul. Rejection was a huge wound for me. Once I was saved, I then had the Holy Spirit living inside me and felt His presence and peace in my life. He gave me the courage to step out and be healed.
But I still needed to acquire tools to help me navigate this in a healthy manner because exploding on people and punching walls was totally unacceptable. I needed to change that. But how? Slowly through the help of others and the work of the Holy Spirit in my life, I learned to communicate in a healthy manner to address things as they happen and not to stuff anymore. I learned to put up boundaries and not to overcommit and not to run and hide anymore. It was not easy, but it was worth it. I wanted to break this generational curse so it would not plague my children and their children. It takes courage to change, and I was determined to have a better quality of life and to improve in this area.
I started standing up for myself and not allowing others to manipulate and control me. I now felt like I had some control over the situations and individuals in my life. My life had become more manageable. I felt more peace because of the work of the Holy Spirit and the Word of God and also the recovery groups and the post-abortion Bible Studies I had done that all helped me heal. The Lord was slowly revealing truth to me. I am loved, adopted, and cherished by my Heavenly Father. He is all I need.
When my father and mother forsake me, then the Lord will take care of me. (Psalm 27:10)
And He has taken good care of me. I am not that little girl anymore who has to run and hide. I can stand on God’s truth. I can use my voice to speak the truth in love. When I get angry or frustrated, I need to separate and take a few moments to collect my thoughts or go in another room until I cool down. I have learned not to speak while I am angry but to hold my tongue. I pray, and then I respond in a way that is calm and unemotional. I know what it is like to be hurt by others’ words, so I am very intentional that my words are encouraging and life affirming.
I rarely get angry like I used to because I no longer stuff my feelings. I communicate properly, and I don’t run away from difficult situations. I have an accountability partner that I speak with once per week. This helps me from falling into sin. It’s someone I can trust to share what’s going on in my life without judgment. I can be completely honest and open, and when I need to be corrected or challenged, she does that.
You can have victory over your anger, too. First, you must recognize what the root cause of your anger is. Is it unmet expectations, a blocked goal, fear, or some kind of injustice or abuse? As a child, all I wanted was to be loved and accepted. I wanted to be able to communicate and express myself without fear of punishment or harsh judgment. I wanted to feel safe emotionally.
Questions to take to heart:
- What was your home of origin like? Describe it briefly.
- Were you able to communicate your thoughts and feelings freely?
- Did you struggle with anger? If so, what was the root cause for your anger? Unmet expectations, a blocked goal, fear, or some kind of injustice or abuse?
- How can we pray for you?
I pray that with God’s help, you were or are able to discover the root causes for your anger. Please reach out if you need to talk: toni@myashestobeauty.com.
You are loved,
Toni
