Stinking Thinking: My Distorted View of Self

by Toni Weisz/Stinking Thinking

Scripture References: Isaiah 43:18–19, Psalm 62:6-8, Psalm 27:10, John 8:32, and Romans 5:9

Stinking Thinking refers to the negative or disturbing thoughts that torment us, especially when we are HALT (Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired). We will be looking at our distorted view of self. We will learn to discern the truth from the lies we have believed all of our lives. Our goal is to equip you so you can have victory in every area of your life.

Isaiah 43:18–19
“Do not remember the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I will do a new thing, now it shall spring forth; shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.”

Psalm 62: 6–8
“He only is my rock and my salvation; He is my defense; I shall not be moved. In God is my salvation and my glory; The rock of my strength, and my refuge, is in God. Trust in Him at all times, you people; pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us.”

Psalm 27:10
When my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will take care of me.

John 8:32
“And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.”

Romans 5:9
Much more then, having now been justified by His blood, we shall be saved from wrath through Him.

I was the oldest of three and came from a strict second-generation, Italian-American family. My father and his two brothers and sister ran a family-owned construction company started by my grandfather.

My grandfather had a drinking problem. And my dad acted like an alcoholic even though he did not drink. I refer to his behavior as a “rageaholic.” He worked extremely long hours and was dealing with a lot of stress and family drama. He was not able to communicate in a healthy manner without becoming angry and raising his voice. He had a very short fuse. So, when he was home, I would literally want to run and hide.

My mom tried her best to control our home environment as not to cause my dad any stress. We had to be very quiet and obedient when he was home. The slightest thing could set him off. When my dad was at work, my mom had her own way of dealing with the chaos in our home. She yelled a lot too. It wasn’t a very calm or peaceful environment. But I believe they did the best they could. They were preoccupied with putting out fires that my sister and brother were starting. It was easy for me to hide in the shadows.

As a young child, how was I supposed to get the love and attention I needed? After the “good, quiet one” persona was not working anymore, I started sneaking Scotch whiskey from my parents’ liquor cabinet at 12 years old. Now I was really hiding because of all of my secrets, which now were piling up, and it became even more difficult to keep up my façade. By 13, I was getting high and doing other drugs. At 16, I was having sex; then the unthinkable, my abortion at 21. My life was a disaster, one poor decision after another led me down a very dark path. I was very alone in this pit even though I had friends; no one really knew what I was suffering with because I wore the perfect mask. I was right where the evil one wanted me. Isolated, alone, and hiding in my secrets.

Now in my early 30’s after many years of destructive choices, unhealthy copying mechanisms and addictions, my self-loathing was at an all-time high. My depression would last for weeks at a time, and it was preventing me from functioning normally, and all the pain I had been stuffing all my life was coming out sideways. I had no control over it. I was like a walking volcano. I literally just wanted to end this torment of a life. But God gave me two children, and I wasn’t going to leave them without a mom. So, I decided I needed to do something different because what I was doing was not working. I was tired of putting my mask on every day and pretending.

I felt I was not worthy to be loved. In fact, I thought I deserved to be emotionally abused by others because of my sin. I did not see myself as a person of value to anyone, not even to God. This destructive pattern would continue until I was 34, when by the grace of God, I heard the gospel and within 4 weeks got saved and asked Jesus to forgive my sins and be my Lord and Savior. The most beautiful and memorable day of my life is February 6, 1994, when I became born-again.

Even after my salvation, I felt I had to work for love and approval from God and especially from others in leadership at Church. My people-pleasing was consuming my life, and God showed me that this is idolatry, that anything that I put above Him is a sin.

Over the past 20 years, God has slowly been showing me my character defects and areas of sin, my codependency, people-pleasing, and lack of clear boundaries and how I was enabling unhealthy behavior. I didn’t love or respect myself so how could I expect others to. I allowed people to walk all over me, to manipulate and control me, but slowly over time, I started putting up boundaries and using my voice.

God helped me to see myself through His eyes of love, care, and compassion. Back in 2015 when struggling with rejection, I wrote out these words of affirmation that I read out loud to myself every day: I am worthy, I am loved, I belong, I am accepted, I am adopted, I am confident and competent, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, I am a child of God, I am victorious in Christ, just to name a few. This is my Spiritual Armor; I put this on every morning to protect myself from the fiery darts of the enemy. Our battle is won and lost in our minds. What we believe about ourselves and about God matters. God’s word is truth, and the truth will make you free.

I hope I never take for granted the miracle that took place in my life 31 years ago, when I received the gift of salvation through the blood of Jesus shed on the cross for me.

QUESTIONS TO TAKE TO HEART:

1. How has your distorted view of yourself opened you up to all kinds of abuse and sin as a way to cope with your pain?
2. How did you see yourself?
3. Who does God say you are? Give examples of Biblical truth.
4. What do you do to put your Spiritual Armor on daily to protect yourself from the enemy?
5. How can we pray for you?

I pray this topic has been helpful for you if you need to talk, you can text me or email me at: toni@myashestobeauty.com.

You are loved, Toni