My Life Would Be Forever Changed (Part 6): The Final Chapter

April’s Story

My Life Would be Forever Changed (Part 6)
The Final Chapter

In July 1997, I accepted the Lord into my life. I felt like I was a new person. I was alive in Christ. The same year I accepted the Lord into my life, I met my husband, and we were married three years later. I got pregnant right away, but sadly, lost the baby. This was ten years after my abortion. Of course, I thought God was punishing me. But I soon learned that it wasn’t God. It was actually my body holding onto the pain of the past. During that time, I had a lot of anxiety and fear in my heart. I knew God was near, but I didn’t really believe it. I was afraid in my own home and scared to drive my car on the freeway. I asked myself how I could possibly raise a baby with this hurt still inside me. I was holding onto everything. I walked around with a smile on, but deep down I was hurting.

Soon after this pregnancy, I became pregnant again. So, in 2002, we had our first child! Our second child followed a few years later in 2005. Unfortunately, right after the birth of our second child, I became really crazy about germs. I couldn’t do it; I felt helpless in my own body. I was so afraid I was going to die. I started to search my heart, and I realized that I was afraid of death for our children. Why was I afraid of death? Because I had faced death myself as a child. Later, I found out that death has NO sting!!!

Today, I have the honor and privilege of walking women through their abortion stories as well as mentoring women that have been through trauma, including sexual abuse. I get to see women be set free from the pain of their past and walk in their newfound freedom in Christ. My goal is to help lead women to freedom from the bondage that has been holding them back.

I now hold a Mental Health Coaching Certificate, and I am working on getting a Christian Counseling Certificate. I have been through the Making Life Disciples course and some trauma classes through church. But one of my favorite accomplishments to date is that I’ve completed one year of Bible College to be able to minister the Word to those who are lost and hurting. #SetFree

I share my whole story to tell you that our God is good, no matter what our circumstances. When I was around drugs and alcohol throughout my life, God was good. When I was kidnapped and raped at 12, God was good. When I had an abortion, God was good. When I was living in sin, God was good. When I felt shame, guilt, or fear, God was right there. When I was afraid, God was revealed. When death was around me, God saved me. When I was hopeless, God was full of hope for me. God is forgiveness and my help. What would I do without my Father? He saved me, forgave me, and redeemed me. It was only recently that I discovered that God has been with me all along. He has been pursuing me and chasing me since the day I was born.

I believe that Jesus takes all the hurt on Himself. I believe that I am the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus. I believe I am reconciled to Him. Thank you, Jesus, that the old is gone and the new has come. Thank you, Jesus, that I am highly favored and deeply loved. Thank you that I am a called out, separated person for God’s Kingdom work. Thank you, Jesus, I am a New Creation. Thank you, Jesus, for Your Amazing Grace!!!

 

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Familiar Bondage

Familiar Bondage

I would rather go back to what is familiar, even if it is bondage…

Exodus 16:1-4a and John 3:16,

And they took their journey from Elim, and all the congregation of the children of Israel came unto the wilderness of Sin, which is between Elim and Sinai, on the fifteenth day of the second month after their departing out of Egypt. And the whole congregation of Israel murmured against Moses and Aaron in the wilderness: And the children of Israel said to them, “Oh that we had died by the hand of the Lord in the land of Egypt, when we sat by the pots of meat and when we ate bread to the full! For you have brought us out into the wilderness to kill this whole assembly with hunger.” Then the Lord said to Moses, “Behold I will rain bread from heaven for you….”

When the trials of the children of Israel were too hard for them to bear, they wanted to go back to what was familiar: bondage in Egypt. They wanted to be in control; they felt safe knowing what to expect.

How many of us can relate to wanting to go back to the dysfunctional relationships or sins of our past because there is comfort in knowing what to expect? Change is hard because it’s unfamiliar, and there is no safety or comfort in it. But God doesn’t want us to stay in our dysfunction. He wants us healed. He came to set us free from our bondage to sin. He wants us to trust Him completely with every area of our lives.

God provided the children of Israel with bread that literally dropped out of the sky. He called it Manna, “Bread from Heaven.” If God did that for them, don’t you think He can help you too? I think the answer is Yes!!!

What is the spiritual factor to consider when I want to be in control, instead of God being in control?

I am saying to God, “I don’t trust You. I don’t believe You are good. I don’t believe You care about me.”

So, what is the sin I am committing when I don’t trust God? The sin of unbelief.

Definition of faith in Hebrews 11:1 and 11:6: Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen. But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.

Let me ask you, what are you still trying to control and refuse to release into God’s hands?

I learned at a very young age to take control of every area of my life; that, unfortunately, was not a good thing. A 12-year-old is not mature enough to take on such a responsibility. I controlled my voice but I did not use it. I controlled how I performed in school, sports, and in anything I set my mind to do by practicing until I could do something perfectly. When I was older, I controlled my weight by taking speed and diet pills and exercising excessively. I controlled what others perceived about me by wearing a mask to hide my true feelings and identity. It wasn’t until I felt safe to let God in that I was able to relinquish control to Him. By spending time in His Word, I began to understand the heart of God and discovered how much He loves us and wants us to be set free from our pasts, so we can live the abundant lives He came to give us. It’s by relinquishing control to God that we are set free. There is beauty in surrender.

Why are you not trusting God to help you in this area? What are you afraid of?

Relinquishing control was not a comfortable thing for me because I didn’t trust others not to hurt me. I became very self-sufficient and proficient in all I did. I had a huge wall around my heart that no one was going to penetrate, not even God. I grew up with a distorted view of God. I thought He was angry with me and would punish me if I was out of line, which is what I heard and saw as a child. Church was dark; people there spoke in another language, and the atmosphere was not warm and welcoming. So I associated these attributes with God. I felt He was dark, harsh, and unloving, which could not be further from the truth. I was fearful about trusting God because I was afraid of being hurt again. I didn’t know God’s heart toward me. When I got saved in 1994 and came across this verse from John 3:16, “For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life,” I started believing that God does love me. And once I received His love into my heart and believed that He died for me on the cross, I started trusting Him more with my heart. But it was a long process. I am so grateful today for His love. That truth changed my life forever.

I had everything under control, so I thought, until my life and health started spiraling out of control. I couldn’t afford stuff anymore and my health was failing, my marriage was on the brink of divorce, and I didn’t know what to do. I was plagued with suicidal thoughts because I just couldn’t deal with my depression and self-loathing anymore, due to the sins from my past. This was not a life; it was a prison. I was just surviving because I needed someone to take my pain away, someone I could trust to love and accept me for who I was. Did such a person exist?

Dear One,

I want you to know that there is such a person who loves and accepts you for who you are. His name is Jesus, and He is the only one who will love you right where you are. He will never hurt you or force you to do something against your will. He is kind, loving, dependable, faithful, merciful, and forgiving. Jesus is your Savior and friend. Why not relinquish control of your life to God? Honestly, what do you have to lose at this point?

You are loved,

Toni

 

What is the spiritual factor to consider when I want to be in control instead of God being in control?

I am saying to God, “I don’t trust You (God). I don’t believe You (He) are good. I don’t believe You care about me.” So, what is the sin I am committing when I don’t trust God? The sin of unbelief.

Definition of faith in Hebrews 11:1 and 11:6: Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen. But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.

 

Read more of Toni's blogs HERE.