The Tool of Detachment

John 10:10a, 1st Corinthians 14:33b, Proverbs 6:19b, James 1:19

The tool of detachment gives me the ability to love someone without getting caught up in their dysfunction. Satan is the author of confusion, chaos, and discord among the brethren and our families. He has made this his primary mission: to steal, kill, and destroy our testimonies, our relationships, our peace, our joy, and to make our lives miserable. We must guard our hearts from responding to others in ways that are hurtful and mean spirited, instead speaking the truth in love. Use your voice in a way that is pleasing to God and to the hearer. Recognize that everyone has wounds from their past and the way in which people respond to certain situations has a lot to do with where they are in their healing process. It’s important to remember, “Hurting people hurt people.” They are blinded by their wounds and cannot see how they are hurting others.

It is extremely important to have healthy boundaries. I grew up with no boundaries at all. I had to educate myself about boundaries and learn how to communicate them with others. Eventually, I started speaking up for myself and sharing how I was feeling. Over time, it became second nature for me to use my voice and to protect myself from unhealthy people or situations. Starting something new is always the hardest part, but it becomes easier with time.

If you have not read the book, “Boundaries,” by Cloud and Townsend, I suggest you do. This book is a very helpful resource. In my journey with the tool of detachment, I also had to recognize that I cannot fix, rescue, or save anyone. I had to realize that I cannot control another person, nor can I change them, but rather, God can. I had to surrender to God and relinquish all control to Him. As soon as I did, I began to feel more peaceful, calmer and less anxious about things.

When I trust God and humble myself before Him, I am released from being tormented by the evil one. A humble, teachable spirit is a very powerful weapon against the enemy, and God draws near to the humble. There are times I need to leave a room and walk away from a conversation because I feel I may say something I will regret. Once I say something that is hurtful, I can never take it back. Removing myself from a volatile situation is sometimes my only option. By doing this, I have a chance to cool down, think, and pray before I respond to this person or situation. I can now respond, instead of just reacting without thinking. God wants me to think and pray before I speak, knowing that my words can be used to lift others up or they can cause others to stumble.

Detachment gives me wisdom and discernment when dealing with a situation or an individual who is in a volatile state. I don’t have to fear or be anxious, and I don’t have to take the situation on as my own. Instead, I can recognize that the occurrence has nothing to do with me. I can respond in a calm and godly manner, and I can speak the truth in love. I can walk away and return when I am calmer and more composed. Seeking God during this process helps me to remain in peace and in control of my emotions; that’s all I am responsible for, and I leave the rest in God’s hands.

In His love and service,

—Toni

Read more of Toni's blogs HERE.

What Is Sin?

Sin is living in rebellion against God’s laws. Sin was passed down to us from our first parents, Adam and Eve. Since the fall, the whole earth and every inhabitant has been affected by sin. In essence, sin is a choice to go our own way apart from God’s perfect plans. Sin is self-seeking, prideful, and destructive:

“Sin will take you farther than you want to go, keep you longer than you want to stay, and cost you more than you want to pay. –” R Zaccharias

Genesis 3: 1-5 Now the serpent was more cunning than any beast of the field which the Lord God had made. And he said to the woman, “Has God indeed said, ‘You shall not eat of every tree of the garden’?” 2 And the woman said to the serpent, “We may eat the fruit of the trees of the garden; 3 but of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God has said, ‘You shall not eat it, nor shall you touch it, lest you die.’ ” 4 Then the serpent said to the woman, “You will not surely die. 5 For God knows that in the day you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”

1 Corinthians 15:22 For as in Adam all die, even so in Christ all shall be made alive.

Ezekiel 18:20 The soul who sins shall die.

We see from the garden that Satan has been deceiving us into believing that sin is acceptable, that everybody does it, and that there are no consequences for it. As a result of Adam and Eve’s sin the whole world was plunged into sin, death, and destruction. Before that time there was no sin or death. Everything and everyone lived in perfect harmony. Sin destroyed the garden, the relationship between Adam and Eve, their relationship with God, and even the relationship between animals (after the fall, animals no longer just ate grass and herbs). In short, the whole world suffered the consequences of their sin. Once they sinned, Adam and Eve experienced separation from God for the first time. They felt shame, guilt, fear and loss.

When I found out I was pregnant at 21, I ran and hid, just like Adam and Eve did. I didn’t want my parents to find out. I thought I could take care of it quickly, on my own, no big deal. That was a lie from the pit of hell. It was a huge deal, and this supposed quick fix plunged me head long into a deeper depression than before. Suicidal thoughts, feelings of unworthiness, self-loathing and despair overshadowed me. I felt I was all alone in a dark place, where no one knew how badly I was struggling with my decision.

Why are we so affected by abortion? Because we are going against our very nature, God created women to nurture, love, and take care of their children. Instead, we did the opposite and murdered our children. I know that sounds harsh, but it is the truth. The enemy is lying to young woman today, saying that abortion is healthcare and that it is a form of contraception, that is a lie, it is terminating a life. For a woman, nothing good comes out of abortion, nothing.

I am so grateful to God for having mercy upon me. This broken woman who once was barely surviving, is now a woman thriving and filled with the Holy Spirit of God (my constant companion, guide, and friend). I am hopeful, joyful, and loved completely by God. I am His precious daughter. I pray that you too can experience peace with God and a relationship with Jesus Christ, His Son. God bless you, dear one.

Read more of Toni's blogs HERE.

Self-Pity

Philippians 2:2-4, Galatians 5:22-23

God wants me to spend less time thinking of myself, and more time thinking of Him and others.

Self-pity is being consumed with thoughts about oneself, usually regarding some unfair situation or treatment by others. Self-pity is feeling sorry for yourself and asking yourself questions like, “Why Me? Why is God not doing something about this situation that I am in?”

I feel self-pity when I perceive an injustice, when I am feeling rejected or left out, when I compare myself to other women, or when I am hurt and disappointed by another’s actions. Self-pity is a dark, slippery, deep hole. In this pit I feel alone, abandoned by others, and tormented.

When I focus on self and not God, I have a distorted view of truth. I feel hopelessness because I am doing things in my own strength. I cannot see how my circumstances can change because I am powerless to change them. When I focus on self and not God, the enemy sees that I am vulnerable and attacks me with his fiery darts. My head and eyes are cast down, I am heavy with no energy, and I feel all alone. When I am looking down, I cannot see God and be thankful for all the things He does for me on a daily basis. This is the enemy’s plan. He wants me to isolate myself from God and others. He wants me to focus on that one thing I don’t have, and he continues to lie to me until I start believing him. Then, he has me exactly where he wants me. His purpose in this world is to steal, kill, and destroy me, my testimony, my joy, and my trust in God.

I also know I am in self-pity mode when I compare myself to other women, being critical and judgmental towards them. This happens when I am feeling insecure about myself and I am not walking in the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23). When I catch myself thinking like this and speaking harsh things, I immediately recognize I am in sin, confess this to God, and ask for forgiveness. Instead of judging others, I need to look for the similarities between us and seek out the good in them. Who am I to judge another person? Only Jesus is Judge. I am commanded by God to love others.

How can we get out of the pit of despair and negative thoughts?

The Word of God replaces those negative thoughts and lies with His truth. It is His truth that makes us free. (John 8:32)
By focusing on others. We read in Philippians 2:2-4: “Fulfill my joy by being like-minded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind. Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others. Let His mind be in you (The mind that was in Christ).”

In His love & service,

Toni

Read more of Toni's blogs HERE.

Your Are Safe Here

You are safe here...

If you had an abortion in your past, you have found a safe place.

Here, you are safe to share your heart and your tears over your abortion decision, whether it was by choice or if someone forced you.

If you are overwhelmed with feelings of loss, shame, guilt, loneliness, depression, despair, and it’s hard for you to function, we can walk with you and help you get the love and support you need, so you can heal.

You are in the right place for hope and healing through the Word of God, Jesus Christ, and a safe and loving environment for you to share without fear of judgment or condemnation.

I have been doing post-abortion recovery since 2006 through various Bible Studies and venues.

In 2013, I started post-abortion conference calls on Sunday afternoons, and I have a team of healed godly women ready to minister to you.

I have several options available to help you release your shame and guilt associated with your past abortion.

In exchange for those heavy burdens is a relationship with Jesus, having His peace, and experiencing true freedom. Here are the options:

A conference call every Sunday afternoon at 4:00 PM EST. Each week we discuss a different topic. Most of the women on the call have experienced the loss of a child to abortion, and others struggle with unhealthy relationships, addictions, and unhealthy coping mechanisms.

Conference Call: 605-562-8400, PIN 4746600#

You’ll find more info on the Sunday Teleconference call at myashestobeauty.com/events

2. There are post-abortion Bible Studies available in many locations and venues. Face-to-face Bible Study meetings are available at a specific location and time, as well as a conference call Bible Study.

3. There are topics available on this site to help encourage you.

4. You can reach out if you need to talk with someone via telephone, text message, and/or email, whichever you prefer.

5. You can find other resources from different organizations that help with unplanned pregnancies and post-abortion recovery on our Resources page.

Most importantly, we are very proud of you for stepping out and seeking help and healing.

We are so honored to walk with you on this healing journey.

God Bless You.

—Toni

Empty Jars

Then, I heard my name being called and I froze. My heart started to race. I remember a tightening in my abdomen and chest. My legs were shaking, but I got up and walked towards the nurse.

I walked into the room where I was met by two other women. David waited outside. Of course, he paid for full anesthesia so I would be knocked out.

One of the nurses gave me a gown and instructed me to put it on with the opening in the front. I did what I was told. I looked around the room and noticed that there were no pictures on the walls.

The doctor came in and asked me to lay on the examining table. She rubbed my abdomen with a gel and placed a sonogram reader on my belly. Then I heard it…thump thump, thump. Before I knew it, she turned down the machine. I didn’t hear it anymore. She left the room.

I laid on that table looking up at the ceiling with the staff setting up the equipment, which they explained would act as a simple vacuum to dismantle the contents of my uterus. I saw empty jars that I imagined my baby would be in. After all, I was familiar with the jars that were filled with bloody contents from abortions. I myself distributed those images to many as I marched on the streets of DC protesting the very action I was about to embark on.

The doctor came back in and asked if there was any other questions I had before they put the mask on me. My mind raced, but I couldn’t get the words out. “How long was it going to take? Will it hurt? Will I be able to have children later? Can I call my Mom?” However, none of these words that I was thinking came out of my mouth. “No,” I heard myself answer though it sounded as if it came from someplace else, outside of myself.

The nurse placed the mask over my nose and mouth and instructed me to start counting backwards and from 10 to 1. I took a shallow breath and started counting, “10, 9, 8,” then I remember crying out the words …”WAIT…STOP!!!” But no, they were only thoughts that never made it out of me as words before I was knocked unconscious and was unable to speak, move, or save my baby.

I awoke screaming, and I remember crying my heart out. “STOP. DON’T, I want to keep her,” I screamed.

The nurse who was startled by my screaming, sheepishly said, “I am sorry. It is over.” I let out a curdling scream, rubbing my belly, and clenching my very soul.

The nurse helped me back on the table. Apparently, I jumped off it as I came to. I laid on that table for what seemed like hours. Crying, rubbing my belly, feeling the emptiness. A feeling that I did not know until that day. I felt an ache in my heart like no other. Yes, I was sore in the abdomen area and remembered that they told me I would have some cramping and bleeding after the procedure.

One of the nurses came into the room with a large pad and told me to get dressed when I was ready. I remember how they looked at me. Faces filled with shame and sadness. They must have known that I was remorseful, and to know that they were part of the reason for my distress must have been upsetting. Or maybe I am just imagining that, and all they wanted was to get the room ready for the next woman, and I was just holding them up. I don’t know.

They encouraged me to eat something, brought me juice, and helped me up. I walked out into the waiting area with all eyes upon me as if they heard me cry out from afar. I don’t know if anyone did…I cried to the angels for I know they must have heard and were weeping for me.

We went to a hotel for a few days. I lost it. I remember crying for hours and then staring at the walls and ceiling. We would watch television and then suddenly, I would go into a rage. Crying, screaming, begging God to please give me back my baby. I was a wreck. David would calm me down and hold me.

I would be okay for a bit but then wake up from a deep sleep crying again. David had to call friends for support. I threatened death, accused him of horrible acts, and blamed the world for my action. “I want my baby back,” I cried over and over again.

To be continued…