From Shame to Victory (Part 2): The Abuse Started in Adolescence

Rhonda’s Story

My dad had a workshop in the basement where he had pin up girls on the wall. He had playboy and Penthouse magazines in the cupboard that my brother and his friends would look at.

Around the time I was between 8-10, I walked down the stairs and found my dad watching a pornographic movie while having a meal. I was horrified. My father was so disrespectful to women and he constantly joked in a demeaning way in front of my mom and other women.

Dad would drink every day. And every Friday night he cashed his check and came home with his weekend alcohol supply. Dad would always be in a good mood. He would take a shower and his friends would start rolling in. He always smelled so good. In the beginning, it was exciting for me to see who would stop by; I liked having company. But as the weekend parties continued it became evident that my dad’s friends wanted to do inappropriate things to me.

My mom would usually stay upstairs and lose herself in her books, trying to ignore everything around her. I would hang downstairs trying to get my dad’s attention over his friends and his drinking. When I was between 8 and 9, I recall one of his friends pinning me down, laughing and holding my arms down while he tried to kiss me. I was kicking and screaming, telling him to stop as my parents watched. I couldn’t believe they weren’t helping me! Felling vulnerable, I spent many years pushing the bed across my bedroom door, afraid someone would come and hurt me. Because of my parents’ and my brother’s behavior towards me, I learned that I had no value. My mom never wanted me and I wasn’t worth being protected by my dad; I felt so unloved.

During middle school, my brother and I always came home to an empty house. The two neighbor boys would come over and try and kiss me, pin me down and they would force me to do inappropriate things with them. I was told not to tell or I would get beat up. I never told.

So, I would race home, grab all the hangers and pens in the house (my brother could open the door with a metal hanger or the ink stick of the pen), lock the bathroom door before by brother got home so he couldn’t beat me up. I would wait in fear as he banged on the door telling me to open it. Eventually he always found a way in. I would run through the house and try to get away as he threw knives at me. If I made it back to the bathroom the knives would be stuck in the door. He would beat me up! I didn’t tell because nobody stopped the other bad things that were happening to me. My mother always justified and made excuses for my brother’s behavior because he was her favorite; my dad was hard on my brother; I was dad’s favorite so I got the brunt of that from my mother.

 

PART 3 Click Here.

 

Freedom from Shame

Freedom from Shame

Freedom from Shame

by Toni Weisz/Spiritual Disciplines

Scriptures: Psalm 44:15-16, 2 Corinthians 10:4-5, Romans 12:2, Philippians 4:13 and Zephaniah 3:17

Psalm 44:15-16
My dishonor is continually before me, and the shame of my face has covered me, Because of the voice of him who reproaches and reviles, because of the enemy and the avenger.

I took on shame immediately as a child when I was harshly corrected by a perceived authority figure, like a parent, nun, or teacher. I would feel my cheeks get red, and I was filled with embracement and shame, especially if I was reprimanded in front of others. I suffered with an overdeveloped sense of responsibility; perfectionism and people-pleasing had made me vulnerable to the enemy’s attacks in this area.

Shame tells me from my home of origin, “It’s all your fault. You should have known better.” Another voice said, “I can’t believe you cannot follow simple instructions.” This was the remark by a substitute teacher in front of my entire third-grade class. I wanted to run and hide. I was so embarrassed.

When I got older, the shame would wash over me after a night of partying, when I would slowly start remembering things I did the night before. When I found myself unwed and pregnant, the enemy whispered, “Your parent’s will be so ashamed to call you, their daughter. They will disown and abandon you if they find out all the evil you are doing—the drugs, alcohol, sex, and now a baby out of wedlock. You will disgrace the family name. Take care of it now before someone finds out.”

The word picture I use to describe my shame is, I feel the weight of it pushing my head down, and I am covered by a heavy wet dark wool cloak. My head and body are bent over, my eyes are cast down, and my spirit is broken. I have feelings of despair, regret, and weakness. I feel all alone and isolated in this dark place. I feel hopeless and powerless to change my situation. All the while the enemy is tormenting me in this dark place. I don’t see any way out.

For those of you who suffered abuse by the hands of those who were supposed to protect you and then you were shamed into silence, the Lord’s heart broke for you that day and every day after that when the enemy abused you and then made you feel it was all your fault. That is a lie from the pit of hell. No one ever deserves to be mistreated or abused, ever. I pray the Lord heals all of your wounded areas and shows you how precious you are to Him.

I now recognize I don’t have to listen to those old tapes in my head anymore. God has given me a new identity, a new purpose, and a new life. Discovering who I am in Christ changed everything.

God showed me that shame is a choice. I can conquer it, and I can decide not to take it on. I have control over what I allow to enter into my thoughts.

The Bible says in 2 Corinthians 10:4-5, “For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ.”

Our spiritual battles are won and lost in our minds. That’s why the Bible says to renew our minds daily with the Word of God. (Ref. Romans 12:2)

The enemy may try to get me to take on shame, but I have the final say. Christ in me helps me to make better choices. I am not a victim of my circumstances anymore. I am victorious in Christ.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:13)

I am loved by God.
I am adopted. I am not abandoned.
I am accepted. I am not rejected.
I belong to God, and I am His child.

Zephaniah 3:17
The Lord your God in your midst, the Mighty One, will save;
He will rejoice over you with gladness,
He will quiet you with His love,
He will rejoice over you with singing.

Questions to take to heart:

  1. Do you still take on shame?
  2. What does your shame feel like?
  3. Has God helped you to see yourself through His loving eyes?
  4. Who does God say you are?
  5. How can we pray for you?

Dear One, you are loved by God. We are here for you to help you conquer the lie shame tells you. Please reach out and email us at: toni@myashestobeauty.com.

You are loved dearly,
Toni

 

 

Read more of Toni's blogs HERE.