Running From God

by Toni Weisz/Spiritual Disciplines

Scriptures: Jonah Chapters 1 & 2, John 8:44, 10:10, Jeremiah 29:11, and Romans 8:28

When Jonah decided to go against God’s plan for him, he took a ship to Tarshish, in the opposite direction from Nineveh, to flee from the presence of God. God continued to pursue Jonah, but it was impossible for Jonah to get away from God.

God sent a great wind and a mighty tempest so that the ship was almost broken (Jonah 1:4). Even the mariners, men who were used to the sea and storms, were afraid, but they knew this one was different. Jonah tells the mariners that he is a Hebrew and that he fears the Lord, the God of heaven, and he tells them to throw him overboard so that the sea would become calm (Jonah 1:8-12). The mariners were exceedingly fearful, but God, in His mercy, prepared a great fish to swallow up Jonah, and he stayed in the belly of the fish for 3 days and 3 nights. God had to isolate Jonah to get his attention, and finally, he cried out to God (Jonah 2). God rescued him, and Jonah did go to Nineveh, and all were saved.

When I think back on my abortion, I see that I too was fleeing from God. I isolated myself from Him and my family. I allowed the enemy to lie to me and tell me, “Your parents will never accept you and the baby; it’s a big mistake. Take care of it now before anyone finds out.”

I had a fear of authority figures at home and in the church. At the Christian School I attended, I saw students hit with rulers if they disobeyed the rules. So naturally, I assumed God was like that. The church we attended was dark, cold, and they spoke in Latin. I didn’t see God’s love there, only harsh treatment for the smallest offenses. I thought God was angry and was ready to hit me over the head with a hammer if I sinned. It’s so sad how the evil one used my perceptions as a child to keep me away from the only one who could have saved me and my son.

We are in a spiritual battle against the devil. He is the father of lies, and his purpose is to steal, kill, and destroy. When we are young and vulnerable, he isolates us and lies to us about the very character of God. So, when we find ourselves in trouble, we don’t go to God; but instead we follow Satan, and for many of us, it’s to the abortion clinic.

God had pursued me also, like He did with Jonah. He gave me a way to escape my abortion. The first time I went for my abortion, I was partying the night before. I was hung over and needed food, so I stopped at a place to eat on the way to the clinic. But when I got to the clinic, they said I could not have the abortion because I ate. When I think back to that day, I drove myself and was all alone. What was I thinking? That’s the point; I wasn’t thinking clearly, at all. Whenever I have made decisions based on fear, they have never been good ones. But I didn’t allow this bump in the road to stop me from having the abortion. I bought into the lie that my child would be deformed because of my heavy drinking and drug usage. This was something I had to do; I didn’t see any other options.

I made another appointment, and that time, I did follow through with it. To this day, I wish I had not done it. But I cannot change my past. I had my abortion on December 10, 1980, and at that moment everything changed. My heart was broken and my soul was shattered into a million pieces. It was the worst decision I had ever made in my life. My heart goes out to you precious sisters who were forced by someone else to have an abortion against your will.

I struggled with depression, crying episodes, feelings of isolation, and loneliness. I continued with the drinking and drugs, and thoughts of suicide started entering my mind. I just wanted the pain to go away.

Then one glorious day, I heard the gospel for the first time on January 2, 1994, and in 4 weeks, I went running to Jesus instead of running away from Him. I had given my heart to the Lord and asked Him to forgive all my sins and to heal my broken heart. From that moment forward, I would never have to feel alone again. I have a Savior who will never leave me nor forsake me. Thank you, Jesus.

God has a beautiful plan and purpose for your life too. In Jeremiah 29:11, “FOR I KNOW THE THOUGHTS I HAVE FOR YOU, SAYS THE LORD, THOUGHTS OF PEACE AND NOT OF EVIL, TO GIVE YOU A FUTURE AND A HOPE.” God can turn the darkest times in your life into something beautiful for His honor and glory.

Questions to take to heart:

1. When have you run away from God?
2. What things have you run to instead of God to help you cope with your past trauma?
3. Are you still running now?
4. How can we pray for you?

I pray that you know how much you are loved by God and that He has a beautiful plan for your life. God is able to redeem your life from your destructive past. He only can heal us in all our broken places. He takes your ashes, your horrible mistakes, and makes something beautiful out of them for your good and His glory.

You are loved,
Toni