Why Didn’t I Trust You, Lord?

Why Didn’t I Trust You, Lord?

This week, it will be 39 years since I had my abortion back in 1980 as a 21-year-old college student. I was far from home and far from God. Why didn’t I trust You Lord and have my baby? Why couldn’t I go to my parents and say I made a mistake? I was paralyzed with fear, anxiety, and torment.

Why didn’t Eve trust God? He was not trying to control them or hold back anything good from them. He was protecting them. Why does God not want us to have sex before marriage? Is He trying to control us or rather, protect us? Sin is destructive, it hurts our relationships with God and others, and it cost our children their lives.

I didn’t trust you Lord because I was not following Your laws and I was not seeking Your wisdom in my life. I was in the clutches of the enemy who was directing my steps and tormenting me to do evil and ungodly things. I was blinded by my own woundedness and my unhealthy coping mechanisms due to my depression, loneliness, isolation, and torment. My spirit was grieved, and suicide became a real consideration, especially after that horrific day: the day I took my baby’s life. But You Lord are gracious and kind, and You pursued me until I came to the end of myself and relinquished control of my life to You. That glorious day was February 6, 1994. I finally realized my life was a mess. I was so lonely and hungered for true healing and fulfillment in my life. I no longer wanted to just get by; I wanted to truly live. In John 10:10 we read Jesus’ Words, The thief does not come except to steal, kill, and destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.

Going forward from here, how do I trust God and give Him access to all of me? First, I must believe in my heart that He truly loves me and has my best interests at heart. I must recognize that His love does not compare with any other love in this world. It is pure, holy, unselfish, gentle, and eternal. I must repent and turn from my sins and recognize that Jesus died on the cross for MY SINS!!! In Romans 10:9-10, 13, That if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. For with the heart one believes unto righteousness, and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation. For “whoever calls on the name of the Lord shall be saved.”

I am so grateful for all the pain and brokenness I have experienced in my life, because it is the very thing that brought me to God.

In His love and service,

—Toni

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What Is Sin?

What Is Sin?

Sin is living in rebellion against God’s laws.  Sin was passed down to us from our first parents, Adam and Eve.  Since the fall, the whole earth and every inhabitant has been affected by sin.  In essence, sin is a choice to go our own way apart from God’s perfect plans. Sin is self-seeking, prideful, and destructive:

“Sin will take you farther than you want to go, keep you longer than you want to stay, and cost you more than you want to pay. –”  R Zaccharias 

Genesis 3: 1-5 Now the serpent was more cunning than any beast of the field which the Lord God had made. And he said to the woman, “Has God indeed said, ‘You shall not eat of every tree of the garden’?”  2 And the woman said to the serpent, “We may eat the fruit of the trees of the garden; 3 but of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God has said, ‘You shall not eat it, nor shall you touch it, lest you die.’ ”  4 Then the serpent said to the woman, “You will not surely die. 5 For God knows that in the day you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”

1 Corinthians 15:22 For as in Adam all die, even so in Christ all shall be made alive.

Ezekiel 18:20 The soul who sins shall die.

We see from the garden that Satan has been deceiving us into believing that sin is acceptable, that everybody does it, and that there are no consequences for it.  As a result of Adam and Eve’s sin the whole world was plunged into sin, death, and destruction. Before that time there was no sin or death. Everything and everyone lived in perfect harmony.  Sin destroyed the garden, the relationship between Adam and Eve, their relationship with God, and even the relationship between animals (after the fall, animals no longer just ate grass and herbs).  In short, the whole world suffered the consequences of their sin. Once they sinned, Adam and Eve experienced separation from God for the first time. They felt shame, guilt, fear and loss.

When I found out I was pregnant at 21, I ran and hid, just like Adam and Eve did.  I didn’t want my parents to find out. I thought I could take care of it quickly, on my own, no big deal.  That was a lie from the pit of hell. It was a huge deal, and this supposed quick fix plunged me head long into a deeper depression than before. Suicidal thoughts, feelings of unworthiness, self-loathing and despair overshadowed me.  I felt I was all alone in a dark place, where no one knew how badly I was struggling with my decision.  

Why are we so affected by abortion?  Because we are going against our very nature, God created women to nurture, love, and take care of their children.  Instead, we did the opposite and murdered our children. I know that sounds harsh, but it is the truth. The enemy is lying to young woman today, saying that abortion is healthcare and that it is a form of contraception, that is a lie, it is terminating a life.  For a woman, nothing good comes out of abortion, nothing.

I am so grateful to God for having mercy upon me. This broken woman who once was barely surviving, is now a woman thriving and filled with the Holy Spirit of God (my constant companion, guide, and friend).  I am hopeful, joyful, and loved completely by God. I am His precious daughter. I pray that you too can experience peace with God and a relationship with Jesus Christ, His Son. God bless you, dear one.

 

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God’s Grace

God’s Grace

God’s Grace can be defined as the unmerited or undeserving favor of God to those who are under condemnation. (Enni, Paul. Moody Handbook of Theology)

Verses Romans 3:19-28, Ephesians 1:7, 2:4-9

Grace was not something I witnessed growing up and I didn’t see it displayed at the church or school I attended as a young child. Instead, I saw students hit with rulers when they disobeyed. I began to believe that my faith was based on my good works: if I was good, I would be loved and accepted. But that was a lie.

The Bible says, “For by grace you are saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works lest anyone should boast.” (Ephesians 2:8-9) According to this and other verses, I could never be, “good enough” to be accepted into God’s family. Instead, by having faith in Jesus Christ and believing his death on the cross was the payment for my sins, I would be welcomed into God’s family. I didn’t have to strive to be perfect; all I needed to do was believe.

Faith in Jesus and being a Christian is not about following rules. It’s about having a relationship with God, acknowledging that Jesus is the Son of God, and that He died on the cross for our sins. He paid our sin debt. We are saved by grace through faith. It is a gift of God, not of works.

  • Grace is a gift from God; it cannot be earned.
  • Grace is overlooking someone else’s faults and loving them where they are.
  • Grace compels me to love others, to extend mercy, and to be kind to all people.
  • Grace humbles me when I think about what Jesus did for me on the cross: a gift I can never repay.

Have you truly received this gift of grace in your heart?

Do you extend grace to others?

 

In His love and service,

—Toni

Read more of Toni's blogs HERE.