My Mask of Perfection

My Mask of Perfection

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From the time I was a small child, I did not use my voice and hid in the background to keep under the radar. As a result, I became what people wanted me to be. I was labeled, “The good, quiet one.” I was fearful of rejection, so I became a people pleaser. I believed the lie that if I were perfect, I would be loved. That’s when I started wearing a mask.

My need for love and acceptance caused me to hide parts of myself. I only showed the good sides so people would love me. Then, when I was 12 years old, I started sneaking whiskey from my parents’ liquor cabinet. Now, I was really hiding. I didn’t want my parents to find out. They were very strict with me being the oldest, and I didn’t want them to be angry or disappointed in me.

As I got older, my sins were more and more grievous, and my secrets became bigger and bigger. So, I isolated even more and hid everything. My mask morphed as I got older. As a child, I strived for perfection. I was a good student, good athlete, and an all-around good child. When that wasn’t working, I tapped into a lifestyle of alcohol, drugs and sex. When I was home, I was still the good one. But in high school, I was hanging out with those who smoked and did drugs.

At this point, people pleasing ruled my life. All I strove for were accolades from others and a place I could fit in and feel safe. But I would not find that for a long time. Honestly, I lost my own identity because I wanted to fit in with others. I no longer knew what I liked or what I wanted to do because I became a chameleon and changed depending upon the group I was with. I had lost my own identity striving to please others.

I felt unloved and lost. My drinking and drug use were out of control. I was a walking time bomb. I hated myself and felt so depressed. I struggled with keeping it all together. When I found out I was pregnant as a 21-year-old college student, I panicked. This pregnancy did not fit the narrative I was allowing my parents to see. I was not the good, quiet one. I was doing very ungodly, sinful destructive things, and now I was going to terminate my baby’s life.

How did I end up here? My whole life was a lie. I will have an abortion and act as if everything was fine. But everything wasn’t fine. After this traumatic event, I was more depressed than before, crying all the time and drinking more. My self-loathing and suicidal thoughts were now continually plaguing me. I just wanted to die so this torment would stop. It was too hard to keep up this façade. Slowly my mask was cracking, and I was so afraid of being exposed. All my sins and lies would come flooding out. I was scared.

In my early 30’s I had a physical and emotional break down. I could not function normally at all. I would lay on the couch for weeks at a time. All the years of stuffing and lying and all the pain I had been holding in all my life were starting to come out sideways. I was a walking volcano, spilling hot ash on anyone who got in my way. I was extremely emotional. I felt I could not look anyone in the eyes because if I did, I would not be able to stop crying.

Slowly I started recognizing I needed help. I needed someone who would love me, accept me, and heal me. I needed a Savior. Then on January 2, 1994, I heard the gospel for the first time. Within 4 weeks I gave my heart to Jesus, confessed my sins, turned from my old ways and turned toward God. I am coming up on the 26th anniversary of my salvation, and it is still the sweetest day of my life. It is the day I finally surrendered my life to God and allowed Him to heal my broken body, my broken heart and my broken mind. He transformed me into the woman He created me to be: a loving, confident woman filled with joy and peace. I have been adopted into the family of God; I am accepted, and I am finally loved. I feel safe to be me. I can take the mask off now because I am finally home.

Are you wearing a mask?

What does your mask look like?

Do you have the courage to take off the mask and be real?

I pray that as God heals you, you will be filled with His love and you will have the courage to take off your mask.

Blessings,

Toni

Read more of Toni's blogs HERE.
The Tool of Detachment

The Tool of Detachment

John 10:10a, 1st Corinthians 14:33b, Proverbs 6:19b, James 1:19

The tool of detachment gives me the ability to love someone without getting caught up in their dysfunction. Satan is the author of confusion, chaos, and discord among the brethren and our families. He has made this his primary mission: to steal, kill, and destroy our testimonies, our relationships, our peace, our joy, and to make our lives miserable. We must guard our hearts from responding to others in ways that are hurtful and mean spirited, instead speaking the truth in love. Use your voice in a way that is pleasing to God and to the hearer. Recognize that everyone has wounds from their past and the way in which people respond to certain situations has a lot to do with where they are in their healing process. It’s important to remember, “Hurting people hurt people.” They are blinded by their wounds and cannot see how they are hurting others.

It is extremely important to have healthy boundaries. I grew up with no boundaries at all. I had to educate myself about boundaries and learn how to communicate them with others. Eventually, I started speaking up for myself and sharing how I was feeling. Over time, it became second nature for me to use my voice and to protect myself from unhealthy people or situations. Starting something new is always the hardest part, but it becomes easier with time.

If you have not read the book, “Boundaries,” by Cloud and Townsend, I suggest you do. This book is a very helpful resource. In my journey with the tool of detachment, I also had to recognize that I cannot fix, rescue, or save anyone. I had to realize that I cannot control another person, nor can I change them, but rather, God can. I had to surrender to God and relinquish all control to Him. As soon as I did, I began to feel more peaceful, calmer and less anxious about things.

When I trust God and humble myself before Him, I am released from being tormented by the evil one. A humble, teachable spirit is a very powerful weapon against the enemy, and God draws near to the humble. There are times I need to leave a room and walk away from a conversation because I feel I may say something I will regret. Once I say something that is hurtful, I can never take it back. Removing myself from a volatile situation is sometimes my only option. By doing this, I have a chance to cool down, think, and pray before I respond to this person or situation. I can now respond, instead of just reacting without thinking. God wants me to think and pray before I speak, knowing that my words can be used to lift others up or they can cause others to stumble.

Detachment gives me wisdom and discernment when dealing with a situation or an individual who is in a volatile state. I don’t have to fear or be anxious, and I don’t have to take the situation on as my own. Instead, I can recognize that the occurrence has nothing to do with me. I can respond in a calm and godly manner, and I can speak the truth in love. I can walk away and return when I am calmer and more composed. Seeking God during this process helps me to remain in peace and in control of my emotions; that’s all I am responsible for, and I leave the rest in God’s hands.

In His love and service,

—Toni

Read more of Toni's blogs HERE.

Idolatry and Codependency

Idolatry and Codependency

Idolatry and Codependency
Abortion Recovery/Recovery Tools
Exodus 20:3-5a

Exodus 20:3-5a “You shall have no other gods before Me. “You shall not make for yourself a carved image—any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth; you shall not bow down to them nor serve (worship) them. For I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God…”

Idolatry is the act of putting something or someone before God in our hearts or minds. Idols are obsessions that consume us. An idol can be a job, money, a sport or hobby, a relationship, or a physical problem; anything that we put before God.

In the past, I have put my husband, my children, tennis, and other people before God. In fact, I became so consumed with what others thought of me, I became whoever they wanted me to be as a result, I didn’t know who I truly was. My fear of rejection and abandonment paired with my need for love and acceptance, made me a people pleaser. I had no boundaries so I accepted unacceptable behavior from others. I could never say no because I didn’t want to disappoint them. I allowed people to manipulate me, control me, and treat me very poorly. Deep down I felt I deserved it, especially after my abortion. I hated myself and felt I was of no value to anyone…not even to God. So, I allowed others to abuse me.

To protect myself, I obsessed over controlling everything and everybody. I didn’t trust anyone and believed they would all hurt me…even God Himself. Not having control was a scary thought for me, so I was afraid to put Him first. In 2010, I joined a recovery program for Adult Child of Alcoholics (ACOA). While there, I realized I had to relinquish control to God and admit that my life had become unmanageable. That’s when I started learning how to trust God. I learned to release individuals and situations into His capable hands, freeing me from carrying those burdens and feeling personally responsible for way too many things. I learned that God wanted to be first in my life. Reading His Word, journaling, and meditating on Scripture first thing in the morning became a daily habit for me. I looked forward to my special time with Him and Him alone, everyday

According to Mental Health America, the definition of codependency is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive (https://www.mhanational.org/co-dependency). In recovery, I learned about the condition of codependency and how I was so intertwined with other people’s lives that I could not detach myself from them. Their lives affected mine too much. I had to step back and allow them to make their own decisions, learn from their mistakes, and experience consequences for their own actions. I no longer had to jump in to fix, rescue, or save others. I learned that I am not God, nor can I control another person. I grew up believing I had the power to make people happy or sad by my words and actions; that was a lie from the devil. I never had that much control. Once I realized this, I surrendered to God and gave Him all the people and situations in my life I had tried to control. Finally, for the first time ever, I was responsible only for myself.

Twelve years later, I now see how God directed my path. He led me to get the help I needed so that I could be set free to live the abundant life Jesus came to give me. He has taken my ashes and my sins and has used them for my good and His glory. I am so grateful for His faithfulness and love over the years. I would not be where I am today if it wasn’t for Jesus leading and guiding me.

Questions & Closing Thoughts:

IDOL’ATRY, n. L. idol latria. Gr. idol, and to worship or serve.

  1. The worship of idols, images, or anything made by hands, or which is not God. Idolatry is of two kinds; the worship of images, statues, pictures, etc. made by hands; and the worship of the heavenly bodies, the sun, moon and stars, or of demons, angels, men and animals.
  2. Excessive attachment or veneration (great respect or reverence) for anything, or that which borders on adoration.

(Definitions from Webster’s American Dictionary of the English Language, 1828.)

  1. Do you have idols in your life?
  2. Did you have codependency issues in you past? How did you overcome them?
  3. Do you trust God and are you putting Him first? If not, what are you afraid of?

I pray that this topic has given you awareness about some areas in your life that God wants you to change. God bless you as you seek His wisdom and guidance.

You are loved,

—Toni

Read more of Toni's blogs HERE.
Self-Pity

Self-Pity

Self-Pity

Philippians 2:2-4, Galatians 5:22-23

God wants me to spend less time thinking of myself, and more time thinking of Him and others.

Self-pity is being consumed with thoughts about oneself, usually regarding some unfair situation or treatment by others. Self-pity is feeling sorry for yourself and asking yourself questions like, “Why Me? Why is God not doing something about this situation that I am in?”

I feel self-pity when I perceive an injustice, when I am feeling rejected or left out, when I compare myself to other women, or when I am hurt and disappointed by another’s actions. Self-pity is a dark, slippery, deep hole. In this pit I feel alone, abandoned by others, and tormented.

When I focus on self and not God, I have a distorted view of truth. I feel hopelessness because I am doing things in my own strength. I cannot see how my circumstances can change because I am powerless to change them. When I focus on self and not God, the enemy sees that I am vulnerable and attacks me with his fiery darts. My head and eyes are cast down, I am heavy with no energy, and I feel all alone. When I am looking down, I cannot see God and be thankful for all the things He does for me on a daily basis. This is the enemy’s plan. He wants me to isolate myself from God and others. He wants me to focus on that one thing I don’t have, and he continues to lie to me until I start believing him. Then, he has me exactly where he wants me. His purpose in this world is to steal, kill, and destroy me, my testimony, my joy, and my trust in God.

I also know I am in self-pity mode when I compare myself to other women, being critical and judgmental towards them. This happens when I am feeling insecure about myself and I am not walking in the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23). When I catch myself thinking like this and speaking harsh things, I immediately recognize I am in sin, confess this to God, and ask for forgiveness. Instead of judging others, I need to look for the similarities between us and seek out the good in them. Who am I to judge another person? Only Jesus is Judge. I am commanded by God to love others.

How can we get out of the pit of despair and negative thoughts?

  • The Word of God replaces those negative thoughts and lies with His truth. It is His truth that makes us free. (John 8:32)

     

  • By focusing on others. We read in Philippians 2:2-4: “Fulfill my joy by being like-minded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind. Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others. Let His mind be in you (The mind that was in Christ).”

In His love & service,

Toni

Read more of Toni's blogs HERE.

Bread from Heaven-toni-weisz-abortion-recovery-and-abuse-support-group

Bread from Heaven-toni-weisz-abortion-recovery-and-abuse-support-group

I would rather go back to what is familiar even if it is bondage…

Exodus 16: 3-4a
And the children of Israel said to them, “Oh that we had died by the hand of the Lord in the land of Egypt, when we sat by the pots of meat and when we ate bread to the full! For you have brought us out into the wilderness to kill this whole assembly with hunger.” Then the Lord said to Moses, “Behold I will rain bread from heaven for you….”

When the children of Israel’s trials were too hard for them to bear, they wanted to go back to what was familiar: slavery in Egypt.

How many of us can relate to wanting to go back to the dysfunctional relationships or sins of our past because there is comfort in knowing what to expect?

Change is hard because it’s unfamiliar; there is no safety or comfort in it. But God doesn’t want us to stay in our dysfunction. He wants us healed. He wants us to trust Him completely with every area of our lives.

God provided the children of Israel with bread that literally dropped out of the sky, He called it, “Bread from Heaven.” If God did that for them, don’t you think He can help you too? I think the answer is Yes!!!

Let me ask you, what are you still trying to control and refuse to release into God’s Hands?

God wants you to trust Him to lead, guide, and provide for you. He has a beautiful plan for your life. Honestly, at this point, what do you have to lose? If anything, you have much to gain.

Step out dear one, and let God take control; you will not regret this decision.

If you need prayer or encouragement, reach out and we will be happy to pray with you.

God Bless you!

Toni and the Team at myashestobeauty.com

Read more of Toni's blogs HERE.

Awareness, Acceptance, and Action

Awareness, Acceptance, and Action

Awareness, Acceptance, and Action:
The 3 A’s to true Healing and Hope.

There can be no change without AWARENESS.

 

AWARENESS is understanding and reflecting on a situation, person, or feeling with openness and curiosity (as defined by peopleleaders.com.au).

For me that day was when I started a new journal and called it, “Why are my relationships to those closest to me toxic?”

Kind of an interesting name for a journal, but I had awareness that something was terribly wrong with my relationship with several people closest to me.

I was the common denominator, what was I doing to encourage or enable this unhealthy behavior?

I believe God gives us awareness as we pray and ask Him to remove blindness and to show us our sins, unhealthy coping mechanisms, and our character defects.

The Holy Spirit, is referred to as the Spirit of Truth, who gives us wisdom and reveals truth. (John 16:13)

ACCEPTANCE is recognizing this is where I am right now in my life.

I recognized that my relationships with those closest to me were fear-driven; my fear of rejection and abandonment caused me to become a people pleaser.

My need for love and acceptance had plunged me deep into drinking and drugs in my early teen years, in order to find some kind of relief from the emptiness I felt.

I also was not able to communicate how I was feeling, which would cause me to enable all kinds of unhealthy and emotionally abusive treatment from others.

I had no voice and no boundaries and as a result of my destructive lifestyle, I hated myself more and more as the years went by.

The nail in the proverbial coffin for me was when I found myself with an unplanned pregnancy at 21. There was no way I could tell my parents; they would be so hurt and disappointed in me.

I was fearful. I panicked like so many of us do; I needed to take care of this quickly.

How many of you can relate to that statement? I want you to know you are in the right place. There is no judgment here just love, encouragement and the forgiveness that God offers everyone through faith in Jesus Christ.

Action; I realized I needed to get my life right with God.

I confessed my sins to God, I recognized and professed that Jesus is the Son of God, and He died on the cross for my sins and was buried and on the third day, rose from the dead, and is in Heaven seated at the Father’s right hand.
(Romans 10:9-10,13, 1 st Corinthians 15:3-4, Hebrews 10:12)

Once I had this relationship with Jesus, I was given the gift of the Holy Spirit, which is given to all of who believe.

My relationship with Jesus began on 2/6/1994, and I have never been the same. He has given a new purpose, a new hope, and a new song.

I have been made alive as one that was plucked out of the depths of despair and darkness and being tormented by the evil one, who wanted me to end my life, but God had a better more beautiful plan for my life that I never imagined I could have.

He has turned my ashes, my darkest moments, and has made something beautiful out of them for my good and His glory. (Isaiah 61:3)

It was my relationship with Jesus that gave me the courage to get the help I needed so that this dysfunction would stop with me and not be perpetuated to the next generation. I pray God gives you courage too.

 

In His love and service,

—Toni

Read more of Toni's blogs HERE.