When I Finally Received His Love

When I Finally Received His Love

When I Finally Received His Love

by Toni Weisz/Recovery Tools

Scriptures: Genesis 1:26, Matthew 10:30, and 1 John 1: 2-3, 7-9,

As a small child, I did not learn to use my voice. Instead, I hid in the background to keep under the radar. My home was chaotic and unsafe emotionally, and as a result, I became what people wanted me to be. I was labeled, “The good, quiet one.” I was fearful of rejection, so I became a people-pleaser. I believed the lie, “If I were perfect, I would be loved.” But that never worked. That’s when I started hiding and wearing a mask.

My need for love and acceptance caused me to hide parts of myself. I only showed the best parts of me so others would like me. This was not working for me, so I decided to rebel. When I was 12 years old, I started sneaking Scotch Whiskey from my parents’ liquor cabinet; then drugs at 13, sex at 16, and my abortion at 21. Now, I was really hiding. I didn’t want my parents to find out. They were very strict with me being the oldest, and I didn’t want them to be angry or disappointed in me.

As I got older, my sins were more and more grievous, and my secrets became bigger and bigger. So, I isolated even more and hid everything. My mask morphed as I got older. At this point, people-pleasing ruled my life. All I strove for were accolades from others and a place I could fit in and feel safe. But I would not find that for a very long time. Honestly, I lost my own identity because I wanted to fit in with others. I no longer knew what I liked or what I wanted to do because I became a chameleon and changed depending upon the group I was with. I had lost my own identity striving to please others. I so desperately wanted to be loved that I sought it from all the wrong places. I used people, and they used me. But I did not feel loved. I only felt even more alone.

I know many of you can relate to this. You did not experience a safe home environment where you were loved, cherished, or encouraged. Instead, you experienced horrific abuse, neglect, and abandonment. My heart breaks when I hear your stories, the very people who should have loved you did the opposite. I know it broke God’s heart too, and He wept. He also knew all the unhealthy things you would do to numb yourself to escape from the pain. Decades of bad decisions and even more sorrow and heartbreak.

God created each and every one of us in His likeness and image (Ref. Genesis 1:26). He knows us intimately, and every hair on your head is numbered (Ref. Matthew 10:30). He created us for fellowship with Him (Ref. 1 John 1:3). There is a hole in our hearts and a void in our souls that nothing else in this world can fill, except for a relationship with our Heavenly Father through His Son, Jesus.

Even after I was saved, I struggled believing I was loved by God. I was still striving for approval from God and others. I had taken my character defects and my false beliefs and had added them to my Christianity. It was Jesus plus pleasing others and Jesus plus my good works. I believed in my head that Jesus loved me, but that truth had not made its way to my heart yet. I struggled to believe that He could forgive all my sins. The enemy lied to me and told me my sins were too great and God would not forgive me. That is a lie from the pit of Hell.

The Bible says, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” (1 John 1:9)

The blood of Jesus on the cross for us was sufficient to pay all of our sin debt. He was our propitiation, our substitute (Ref. 1 John 1:2). It is finished!

Slowly, God was revealing His truth to me, and I was replacing those lies from the devil with His truth from the Bible. I remember the day I received His love. I felt a lightness and a joy in my heart. I felt a quickening in my spirit. For the first time in my life, I felt loved completely for who I was. God’s love for me was not based upon anything I could do. He loved me because He created me and delighted in me. Jesus made a way for me to know the Father’s love.

Questions to take to heart:

  1. Have you received the love of Jesus in your heart? If you have received His love, how did God reveal that to you? Please share.
  2. If you have not yet received Jesus, are you fearful to trust God because of the trauma from your past?
  3. What lies do/did you believe about yourself?
  4. How can we pray for you?

My prayer for you is that you will trust God and allow His love to fill the inner most part of your being, because when you do, you will never be the same. Thank you, Jesus. Please reach out if you need to talk. Email me at: toni@myashestobeauty.com.

You are loved,

Toni

 

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Abortion Destroys a Woman’s Soul, but God Offers Redemption

Abortion Destroys a Woman’s Soul, but God Offers Redemption

Abortion Destroys a Woman’s Soul, but God Offers Redemption

 

by Toni Weisz/Recovery Tools

Toni Weisz experienced a troubled childhood. She started drinking at age 12 and became sexually active at 16. She once thought she was pregnant, but it turned out to be a false alarm. But Weisz’s promiscuous lifestyle would soon catch up with her, causing her to abort her first child at the age of 21.

Weisz told Live Action News, “My ungodly behavior got me kicked out of college in New Jersey, so I eventually transferred to a university in Ohio, started dating a man and got pregnant. I had been living a double life — a quiet, compliant girl at home, but covertly, was a sexually immoral young woman who abused alcohol and started dropping acid at 17.” READ THE REST OF THIS STORY HERE: https://www.liveaction.org/news/toni-first-hand-abortion-destroys-soul-redemption/

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Boundaries

Boundaries

Boundaries

By Toni Weisz/Recovery Tools

Scriptures: Psalm 34:18, Jeremiah 29:11, and John 3:16

According to Psychology Today, “Personal boundaries are the limits we set with other people, which indicate what we will accept and what we consider unacceptable behavior towards us. To know our boundaries comes from a healthy view of ourselves.”

From the book, Living From the Heart Jesus Gave You, our view is distorted due to emotional trauma we experienced as children. The two types of traumas described in this book are Trauma A & Trauma B. The Trauma A we experience as children is when we do not get the love, attention, and care we need from our family. Trauma B is extreme abuse: sexual, emotional, and/or physical. All these experiences as children cause us to have a distorted view of ourselves, God, and others, and it prevents us from maturing into healthy stable adults.

This distorted view of ourselves, especially those of us who have had abortions, opens up the door to all kinds of unhealthy and destructive behavior. God created women to love and nurture their children, and when we do the opposite, I believe our very souls are shattered into a million pieces. Our hopes and dreams as young girls are dashed, and we are now open to all kinds of ungodly behavior to somehow numb our pain. We are tormented and feel desperately alone, depressed, and even suicidal.

For you precious ones who experienced abuse of all kinds when you were young also struggle to put up boundaries. There is always the fear that people will leave us if we do. But boundaries are to protect us from people who are unhealthy and who will continue to abuse us.

So how can we stop this destructive cycle of accepting and enabling unhealthy behavior from others? First, we must realize we have a Savior and a friend who is the lover of our soul, and His name is Jesus. He is the only one that can heal our broken hearts, our broken bodies, and our broken spirits.

Psalm 34:18 ESV
“The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart and saves the crushed in spirit.”

He is the only one who can take the disaster we have made of our lives and restore order and peace. And He alone can give us new hope, new dreams, a new purpose, and a new life.

Jeremiah 29:11 NKJV
“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.”

As a child, I did not learn what healthy boundaries looked like. I became a people pleaser at a very young age, and as a result, I allowed people to take advantage of me and treat me very poorly, and I never said a word. I wondered why I never truly felt loved by others; what was it? I didn’t think I was a person of value because of the way others treated me. Especially after my abortion, my self-loathing and depression really kicked in, and I was really struggling with feeling deeply connected and loved.

If I do not love myself, how can I expect others to love me and treat me properly. They wouldn’t. I was enabling unhealthy behavior because of the way I felt about myself. But when Jesus started healing me and His love came into my heart and I realized who I was in Him, I no longer felt like I deserved to be abused. I was loved by God. That’s what I needed to give me the extra courage to stand up to the bullies in my life.

For many of us, we had to learn what healthy boundaries were because we did not learn them in our home of origin. I recommend the book, Boundaries, by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. My son bought me this book back in the late 2000’s. It was so helpful to understand why I didn’t have boundaries and how to start putting them up and insist they be respected.

It takes courage and perseverance because those around you are not going to like your boundaries, and they will challenge them. But stick to your resolve, and eventually, they will respect them and you.

God has clear boundaries. When we sin, there is a separation between us and God. We need to confess those sins so that we are now right with God and that relationship is restored. God’s Ten Commandments are an example of boundaries.

Like you, I had wounds and issues from my past, which caused me to be self-consumed and blinded, and I could not see how I was hurting others closest to me. Only God can give us awareness and the courage to stop enabling unhealthy behavior and establish healthy boundaries. I was a little nervous the first time I used my voice to establish my boundaries. I explained my boundaries and insisted they be respected. There was some pushback, but I was not going to waiver.

At first, putting up boundaries is hard to do. But as God heals us, we get stronger, bolder, and more courageous. And we no longer want to just exist; we want to experience the abundant life Jesus came to give us. The first step in recovery is recognizing my life is unmanageable and I need God to help me.

Dear One, I want you to know that God loves you so much that He sent His Son to die on the cross for you

John 3:16
“For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.”

Have you received this gift of love and forgiveness from God? If not, you can do that today?

If you do know the Lord, then ask Him to help you to love yourself and to have courage to put up boundaries and no longer accept unhealthy behavior. He will help you if you ask Him. He did it for me, and I know He will do it for you too.

Questions to take to heart:

  1. Did you grow up in a home with healthy boundaries? Yes or No
  2. When did you first realize you did not have healthy boundaries?
  3. How did you start putting up boundaries? Was it received well? If not, what challenges did you experience?
  4. How can we pray for you in this area?

I hope this topic has been helpful for you. Please reach out if you need prayer or someone to talk to. You can email me at: toni@myashestobeauty.com.

You are loved,
Toni

Read more of Toni's blogs HERE.
Has God Covered Your Sins?

Has God Covered Your Sins?

Has God Covered Your Sins?

by Toni Weisz/Recovery Tools

Scripture References: Genesis 3:6-21, Psalm 85:2, Psalm 32:1, and James 5:16

Genesis 3: 7-9 and 21
Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they knew they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves coverings. And they heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees in the garden. Then the Lord God called to Adam and said to him, “Where are you?” Also, for Adam and his wife the Lord God made tunics of skin, and clothed them.

Hebrews 9:22b
And without the shedding of blood is no remission.

Psalm 85:2
You have forgiven the iniquity of Your people; You have covered all their sin.

Psalm 32:1
Blessed is he whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered.

James 5:16
Confess your faults one to another, and pray one to another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.

It’s interesting when we read the verses in Genesis 3 how Adam and Eve tried to cover up their (nakedness) sins by sewing fig leaves together, but they were still in their sin. They were still hiding from God. Only God can forgive sin and remove it from us. It wasn’t until God sacrificed an animal and blood was shed, a foreshadowing of the precious blood of Jesus shed for us to cover our sins, that their nakedness was covered. This is the first time in Scripture that an animal is killed for a sacrifice for sin.

I tried everything to cover my sins on my own, but that never worked because I was covering up my sins with more sins. I had created this huge web of secrets and lies, and I found myself getting more and more tangled in them. I didn’t know how to break free of this. Without Christ, it was impossible. But when I received Jesus as my Lord in 1994, I had the Holy Spirit to help me to have victory over sin and this destructive pattern.

It wasn’t until I surrendered to God and asked Him to forgive all my sins that my sins were covered. This is an ongoing process for the rest of our lives. As God reveals truth in areas we were once blinded in, we have awareness, and with that comes responsibility.

“What is my part, Lord? Show me what I need to do to make things right.”

Confessing sin to one another, apologizing for things we have said or done, and always asking God to show us our sins and shortcomings are all part of the ongoing process. We are always responsible to do the right thing regardless of what someone else does to provoke us.

In Step 4 of the 12 Steps of AA, we are to make a search and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. The next, Step 5, is to admit to God, ourselves, and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another that you may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much. (James 5:16)

God wants us to go to Him about all our sins that the Holy Spirit convicts us of. It’s not a blanket prayer for the rest of our lives, e.g., “O God forgive my sins.” He wants us to mention each one to Him. He wants us to be broken over our sins and to turn away from them. He has so much He wants to show us.

Are you willing to sit at His feet and put everything else in your busy life on hold while He ministers His grace, peace, and love upon you?

Take some time right now. Come, Holy Spirit, and show each of us areas that we need to work on, ways we have fallen short and have disappointed You and hurt others. Help us, Lord, to be clean vessels ready for Your use.

What has God reveled to you? Write it down.

Our sanctification is a lifelong process. God wants us to bring everything into the light that the Holy Spirit reveals to us. “Show me, Lord Jesus, areas I have sinned against You and another person.” He wants us healed in all areas of our life, and this is a process that takes sometimes decades. We must be patient and kind to ourselves, especially those of us with abuse in our past.

Questions to take to heart:

  1. What did God reveal to you today?
  2. What area(s) in your life has God showed you that you need to address, change, apologize for, or repent from?
  3. Do you have an accountability partner that can help you in these areas?
  4. How can we pray for you?

Please know it takes hard work to heal from trauma, and not many people do it because it hurts sometimes. But the hurt will subside as God reveals even more truth and He fills you with His love and peace.

Lord, strengthen these women to step out and trust You. We ask You to heal all their wounds. In the powerful name of Jesus, we pray, amen.

You are loved,
Toni

Read more blogs here.

Who Are Your Balcony Peeps?

Who Are Your Balcony Peeps?

Who Are Your Balcony Peeps?

By Toni Weisz/Recovery Tools

Scripture References: Hebrews 10:24 and Matthew 11:28–30

Balcony peeps (people) are individuals who cheer you on in your life. They are literally hanging over the railing of a balcony, cheering you on in your walk with Jesus and in the hard things you have experienced in your life. They are your cheerleaders.

Who do you see as your balcony peeps? Can you see their faces? Can you hear their words of encouragement?

Too many people, even in ministry, are not kind, gentle, loving, or supportive. I have experienced a lot of pride lately in leadership roles, and it makes me very sad because I know that is not pleasing to our God.

In the book, Balcony People, the author talks about the toxic people in our lives and how much importance we put on their words instead of focusing on the positive people God has put in our lives that help stir us up to love and good works. (Ref. Hebrews 10:24)

 

Here is a poem by an anonymous source taken from the book, Balcony People by Joyce Landorf Heatherley:

I was hungry and you formed a humanities club to discuss my hunger.
THANK YOU.

I was imprisoned and you crept off quietly to your chapel to pray for my release.
NICE.

I was naked, and in your mind, you debated the morality of my appearance.
WHAT GOOD DID THAT DO?

I was sick and you knelt and thanked God for your health.
BUT I NEEDED YOU.

I was homeless and you preached to me of the shelter of the love of God.
I WISH YOU’D TAKEN ME HOME.

I was lonely and you left me alone to pray for me.
WHY DIDN’T YOU STAY?

You seem so holy, so close to God; but I’m still very hungry, lonely, cold, and still in pain.
DOES IT MATTER?

 

How do we meet these women’s needs? They need a safe place to come to lay their burdens down. That’s why we do the Sunday Conference calls. We want to be the hands and feet of Jesus to these dear precious women. We provide a community of women who have experienced the same trauma because we have walked the same walk. We know through experience what they are feeling.

They are yearning to feel deeply connected in a safe community. They have been used and abused and feel isolated in their pain, and they are vulnerable to the attacks of the evil one. They desire to be seen by others. They need love, support, and encouragement that one day, if they seek God with their whole heart, they will be healed. But it’s hard work, and that is what we are here for, to cheer them on and to help them heal from their past trauma. It is God that leads them to us, and it’s through the power of Jesus, the Word of God, and the work of the Holy Spirit that they are healed. We are just vessels God uses to accomplish this miraculous work.

We meet their spiritual needs as well as physical needs. We do not judge them for the things that have happened to them in their past because that does not define them. We love them, and we know they are weary with their pain and trauma from their past.

We are reminded of the words of Jesus in Matthew 11:28–30: “Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn of Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”

I thank God for each of you on this call today. I know most of your stories, and I am in awe of God and the work He has been doing in your lives. I get to watch God miraculously heal your broken hearts, bodies, minds, and spirits. I am truly honored and humbled by the privilege to serve in this ministry and for each and every one of you.

Questions to take to heart:

  1. Who are your balcony peeps, your cheerleaders?
  2. Do you see them hanging over the balcony cheering you on? What are they saying to you?
  3. Who are you encouraging? For those that are just beginning your healing journey, take care of yourself and your family first, then you can reach out to others.
  4. How can we pray for you on your healing journey?

Please reach out if you need to talk this week. Send me a text at: 561-327-7274 or email me at: toni@myashestobeauty.com.

You are loved,
Toni

Read more of Toni's blogs HERE.
What Are Your Triggers?

What Are Your Triggers?

What Are Your Triggers?
by Toni Weisz/Recovery Tools

Scripture References: Psalm 91:2–4, Psalm 17:8, Psalm 37:40, Jeremiah 29:11, Psalm 147:3, Romans 8:37 and Zephaniah 3:17

 

What are triggers?

A trigger is an impulse that prompts a negative reaction caused by another’s words, actions or a specific situation, especially for those who have experienced trauma from abuse, addiction, and/or abortion.

 

I suffered from depression since I was a teenager and started going to secular counselors when I was 17 years old. It took me a long time to figure out where this depression came from.

What triggered it?

I noticed a pattern. When there was a special occasion, like my birthday, Christmas, college graduation, or moving back to NJ after being away for 10 years, I had certain expectations that I would be celebrated in a certain way with gifts and parties. When those expectations were not met, then I felt unloved and insignificant.

When things did not go as I had hoped, I would fall into a very deep depression that would last weeks at a time. This happened to me until I was 34 years old.

I was codependent, and I was triggered by the actions and words of others so much that they determined my outlook on life and how I felt about myself. It was a vicious cycle that lasted many decades.

In my home of origin, we never discussed or worked through hard things. People just yelled or gave you the silent treatment. There was never any resolution. No forgiveness, no grace, no healthy communication. It has taken me many years of hard work to learn how to communicate properly and how to put up healthy boundaries.

I am so grateful for my relationship with Jesus, my Savior. He is my Rock, my Fortress, my Deliverer, my High Tower, my Friend. He is my only hope. He will bind up all my wounds and heal my broken heart. I know what He thinks of me. I am the apple of His eye. He rejoices over me with gladness. He quiets me with His love, and He rejoices over me with singing. He is very pleased with me.

I am forgiven, redeemed, loved and cherished by God. I am adopted into His family. I am victorious in Christ; nothing can separate me from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus my Lord. These are the truths I am focusing on to heal my broken heart.

Questions to take to heart:

  1. What are some of your triggers?
  2. Have you been able to discern where they come from?
  3. What have you learned over the years to help protect yourself from these intrusive thoughts?
  4. What are some of your favorite Scriptures to help you when you are triggered?
  5. How can we pray for you?

I pray this topic has been helpful for you. If you need to talk, please reach out with an email at: toni@myashestobeauty.com.

 

You are loved,
Toni

 

Read more of Toni's blogs HERE.