A Check in My Spirit

A Check in My Spirit
by Toni Weisz/Abuse Recovery

Scripture reference: Ephesians 4:29-32
Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace to the hearers. And grieve not the Holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption. Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you with all malice: and be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.

I had an opportunity this week to see a leader from my past. She was the abortion recovery leader at our local pregnancy center at the time I was also volunteering. We did many post-abortion Bible studies together for several years. I was very surprised to see her because we were at an event that had nothing to do with ministry. We sat next to each other. We shared about our families, and then we also discussed ministry. We both come from totally different approaches to ministry.

Over the years, I have learned a woman doesn’t need to be slammed about her sin of abortion, that it’s something that we talk about, and the Holy Spirit is the one who convicts her of it.

At My Ashes to Beauty, we are very clear that abortion terminates a life. But women come to our ministry broken, and they need someone to lift them up, to love them, to share the truth about abortion, and to share the love of Jesus with them.

As we talked about ministry, I noticed I was raising my voice; we are both very passionate and strong women. I was not feeling good about what was happening. I felt like we were in some kind of strange competition. I felt very uncomfortable. I felt like she was defending herself and also insinuating some things about me that were not true.

At one point, I just folded my hands and stopped engaging with her just to take a break because our conversation was getting kind of bizarre. In the past, she had hurt me in many ways by her style of leadership, and I suffered not only public humiliation in front of other leaders, but she also told me it was my sin that was causing problems in my marriage.

I have worked very hard over the years to forgive her. Lord, I forgive her, and I pray You bless her and her family, in Jesus’ name. God has taught me many things by looking at other leaders and learning from them.

She sent me a text the next day and was wanting to get together possibly. Honestly, there are some people that I have to keep at arm’s length, and she is one of them.

Have you ever felt like you had to keep yourself protected from certain individuals? For some reason, have you felt they are unsafe emotionally? Was there a check in your spirit, like a caution?

When I think about it now, I was a co-dependent people-pleaser. I had a fear of authority figures, and I considered her an authority figure. I gave her too much power over me, and that was my fault. But I was so wounded, and I had just started in the post-abortion ministry, so a lot of things were coming up from my past. I wasn’t equipped yet to handle all of that.

Perhaps she reminds me of other family members. I am very guarded around individuals like this who have hurt me in the past. I am also aware the evil one is prowling because I sent my ministry cards to some family members who are pro-choice. I know I cannot change their hearts; I am praying God does, but I want them to hear the truth from the other side that abortion not only takes a life but also harms women deeply. Please pray for God to open their hearts to hear the truth about abortion.

Questions to take to heart:

Are there certain family members or friends you have to guard yourself from?
How do you navigate those relationships? What do you do to protect yourself?
How can we pray and encourage you?

I pray this topic was helpful for you. Please reach out if you need to talk, toni@myashestobeauty.com.

You are loved,
Toni

Read more of Toni's blogs HERE!

How to Overcome Trauma

How to Overcome Trauma
By Toni Weisz/Abuse Recovery

Scripture References: Psalm 147:3, Psalm 27:10, Psalm 100:5

“Trauma can be more than a dark pit of despair or a spiral of depression. It has the potential to be our deepest source of empathy, strongest point of connection, and most forceful impetus (stimulus) for growth if we bravely choose to let others into both the brokenness and the mending. My Brokenness becomes beautiful when I see trauma as an opportunity to grow.” (Excerpt taken from the devotional, Suffer Strong: A Plan for Redefining Everything, by Katherine and Jay Wolf.)

Psalm 147:3
He heals the broken in heart and binds up their wounds.

Psalm 27:10
When my father and my mother forsake me, then the LORD will take me up.

Psalm 100:5
For the Lord is good; His mercy is everlasting, and His truth endures to all generations.

It takes courage to face the trauma from our past. This is not an easy process. In fact, it is quite painful at times, and it is not for the faint of heart. That’s why many people don’t do it. They would rather live in their dysfunction because they know what to expect—it’s familiar.

Change can be hard, scary, and unpredictable. But it can also be beautiful, especially when we are able to come out on the other side of our pain and see the miraculous work God has done.

When I first started this ministry, the Lord encouraged me to be real.

When I am open and transparent with all of you, it gives you permission to share from your broken places too.

I have experienced tremendous healing as a result of doing the conference calls the past 10 years. The work of the Holy Spirit, self-examination, and a safe community in which to share are the most important elements for true healing and the ability to break dysfunctional unhealthy behavior.

You’re only as sick as your secrets.

Sharing your secrets in a safe and loving environment helps you to begin the healing process. It brings that secret thing into the light, and the devil no longer has power over you in that area. I am praying that each of you experience true healing in all of your broken areas. You are safe on our conference calls, dearly beloved of the Lord.

I also needed to practice what I preached.

If I was telling you to stand up to the bully and use your voice, then I needed to do the same thing.

There is a recovery statement: Say what you mean but don’t say it mean.

God has shown me how to stay calm, to allow the other person to speak, and try to stay on topic. Then when it’s my turn, I share my perspective but in a way that honors God.

I apologize when I need to, but I don’t allow others to just dump on me or yell at me. I walk away or hang up because that’s not an acceptable way to communicate. I don’t allow others to be verbally abusive to me. By sharing with you, it also helped me to practice those same principles in my life.

God showed me He wanted to be first in my life.

Once I put God first in my life, then what others thought of me didn’t matter so much anymore. I was trying to please them so they would love me, but that never worked anyway. It only left me feeling empty, unloved and depleted of my energy. I realized I could never make someone happy or sad; I didn’t have that kind of power. Only God can love me completely. So, I go to God when I need something because most people are not able to give me what I need anyway. They cannot give what they don’t have.

Questions:

What areas from your past trauma from abortion/abuse are you struggling with right now?
Are you able to share about them right now? Please limit your shares to 10 minutes due to the number of women on the call.
How can we be praying for you?

Remember: When your father and your mother forsake you, Then the LORD will take you up. For the Lord is good; His mercy is everlasting, and His truth endures to all generations. He binds up the brokenhearted and heals all of your wounds.

Please reach out if you need prayer or just want to talk. Email me at: toni@myashestobeauty.com.

You are loved,

Toni

Read more of Toni's blogs HERE!

My Savior’s Love for Me

My Savior’s Love for Me
By Toni Weisz/Abuse Recovery (Toni’s Blogs)
Jeremiah 31:3, 1 Corinthians 13:3-8a, Isaiah 9:6, and Zephaniah 3:17

Jeremiah 31:3
The Lord appeared of old to me saying: “Yes, I have loved you with an everlasting love; Therefore with lovingkindness I have drawn you.”

Lord Jesus, what do you want me to say to the precious sisters reading this right now? You know each one intimately. What are some words of encouragement that you want them to hear from Your heart to theirs?

Little Bird, I want you to say to them, “I have loved you with an everlasting love. My love for you is pure, holy, righteous, kind, gentle, and eternal. I am love; it is My character. I created love. I know many of you have been abused or neglected and you have felt rejection from those closest to you. I am so sad that you experienced those things. My desire is for every child to know they are loved from the moment of conception. If you only knew how much I loved you from a child, you would not have looked for it in other places and with other people. But your view of Me and My love were distorted by the father of lies. He doesn’t want you to know My love intimately because he knows the power of My love. It was My love for you that kept Me nailed to the cross so you could have eternal life with Me and the Father in Heaven. We loved you so much that the Father gave you the Holy Spirit, the Comforter to be with you always, so you would never have to walk alone again. All these things I am mentioning show you how precious you are to Me. I am so proud of you for stepping out of the darkness into My glorious light. You know that true healing only comes through Me, because I am the Wonderful, Counselor, Mighty God, and the Prince of Peace. I created you and I delight in you. I understand you better than you understand yourself. I know how to heal every broken part of your soul. Will you trust me today with your whole heart? Allow me to heal you in all your broken places. I want to do a miracle in your life. I will close with this. Zephaniah 3:17, ‘The Lord your God in your midst, the Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.’ You are my beloved.”

Questions:

Do you trust God?

Do you know how much you are loved by Him?

Will you allow Jesus into those broken places where you have not allowed anyone else to go?

I pray you will experience the love of God in the innermost part of your being and be forever changed.

You are loved,
Toni

Read more of Toni's blogs HERE!

The Prodigal Son

The Prodigal Son
By Toni Weisz/Abuse Recovery

Luke 15:11-24, Jeremiah 31:3b-c, Luke 15:10, II Corinthians 5:21a, Ephesians 2:1b, Luke 15:10, Revelation 7:9, Romans 8:15b-c, Revelation 19:9, and Romans 8:35

Luke 15:11-24

Then He said: “A certain man had two sons. And the younger of them said to his father, ‘Father, give me the portion of goods that falls to me.’ So he divided to them his livelihood. And not many days after, the younger son gathered all together, journeyed to a far country, and there wasted his possessions with prodigal (wasteful) living. But when he had spent all, there arose a severe famine in that land, and he began to be in want. Then he went and joined himself to a citizen of that country, and he sent him into his fields to feed swine. And he would gladly have filled his stomach with the pods that the swine ate, and no one gave him anything.

“But when he came to himself, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired servants have bread enough and to spare, and I perish with hunger! I will arise and go to my father, and will say to him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you, and I am no longer worthy to be called your son. Make me like one of your hired servants.” ’

“And he arose and came to his father. But when he was still a great way off, his father saw him and had compassion, and ran and fell on his neck and kissed him. And the son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and in your sight, and am no longer worthy to be called your son.’

“But the father said to his servants, ‘Bring out the best robe and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand and sandals on his feet.And bring the fatted calf here and kill it, and let us eat and be merry;for this my son was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ And they began to be merry.”

Some have called this, “The Running Father,” instead of, “The Prodigal Son,” because it’s the actions of the father in these scriptures that give a glimpse into the very heart of God, our heavenly Father, towards us, His children. I can imagine the father looking to the horizon every day for a glimpse of his son returning home. And every day, losing hope that he would return. Then one day, he spots his son and is filled with compassion for him. He girds up his loins (takes his robe from back to front between his legs and tucks it into his belt) and runs to his son. During Biblical times, a man of his stature in the community would not do such a thing in public, but he didn’t care what others thought. I read that the son could have been banned from the town or humiliated publicly, because he dishonored his father and their town with his sinful actions. This was another possible reason why the father ran to his son; he wanted to protect him from the humiliation and judgement of others.

Let’s put ourselves in the shoes of the prodigal son. Didn’t we run away from the homes that God had given us in part due to the dysfunction, and/or we wanted to explore the world and live our lives our own ways? All the while, our heavenly Father is watching and looking for us to return home to Him. How it must have broken His heart to see the destructive, ungodly choices we made. And yet, He loves us with an everlasting love; He yearns for us to come home to Him (Jeremiah 31:3b-c). The angels in heaven rejoice over one sinner who repents (Luke 15:10).

God sent His Son to die for us so we could be set free from the judgment we deserved because of all our sins. I love the correlation between the prodigal son’s father and our heavenly Father. Jesus became sin for us (II Corinthians 5:21a) and was naked, beaten, and crucified, and He died for us. He was humiliated and tortured for me and you. When I think of what Jesus did on the cross for me, I am overwhelmed with gratitude because I know I didn’t deserve it, but I humbly receive this precious gift of salvation that cost God the most precious thing He had, His Son.

Lastly, we too were once dead in our trespasses and sins against God, (Ephesians 2:1b) but when we confessed our sins, like the prodigal son, we were welcomed into the family of God. There was a celebration in heaven the day you received Christ as your Savior (Luke 15:10). God has clothed you in a beautiful white robe (Revelation 7:9), put a ring on your finger, and adopted you into His Holy Family (Romans 8:15b-c). One day, we will all be together for the great feast in heaven, the marriage supper of the Lamb (Revelation 19:9). Hallelujah! Thank you, Jesus!

Thank you, Father, for the gift of adoption into your family. I am no longer an orphan, a stranger, or an outcast; I am yours forever.

Note: To you precious ones who did not have good earthly fathers, it is hard to think of God as a good heavenly Father. Please know that God’s heart broke when he saw the abuse and neglect you suffered at the hands of your earthly fathers. God is not like your earthly fathers; He is kind, gentle, pure, holy, and faithful. He loves you with an everlasting love. Nothing can separate you from the love of God through Christ Jesus our Lord (Romans 8:35).

Questions:

What was your relationship like with your earthly father?

Do you see God as a good and kind Father? If not, please explain.

Please reach out if you need to talk or you need prayer.

You are loved,

Toni

Read more of Toni's blogs HERE!

Amazing Grace

Amazing Grace
by Toni Weisz/Abuse Recovery
Ephesians 4:29-32 and Numbers 6:24-26

Ephesians 4:29-32
Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ forgave you.

In the Moody Handbook of Theology, Paul Enni defines God’s grace as the unmerited or undeserving favor of God to those who are under condemnation. I did not grow up in a home where grace was displayed. I experienced and witnessed harsh judgment for the smallest offenses. As a child, this caused me to be fearful and to hide because I did not want to face this treatment from my parents. I went to a church that was big and dark inside and they spoke in a foreign language. The school associated with this church was very much the same. Students were hit with rulers when they disobeyed. Because I did not see grace and love in these formative places, I began to believe that my faith in God was based upon my good works: if I am good, I will be loved and accepted, but if I disobey, I will be severely punished. Maybe that’s one of the reasons why I didn’t run to God when I was 21, unmarried, and pregnant. I was fearful that He too would judge me harshly and punish me severely.

During my adult life, I once again encountered a harsh church environment. My family and I attended a legalistic church for several years where it was all about following the rules with no room for grace. The Holy Spirit in me was so grieved that I could barely feel or sense His presence. At first, I didn’t recognize it, but I was experiencing spiritual abuse. Even so, I wanted to serve Jesus. If that meant wearing dresses 24/7and obeying ridiculous rules, then that’s what I would do. This spiritual oppression greatly affected my soul and inside I started slowly dying. Unfortunately, my children (who were in high school at the time) were also subjected to this spiritual abuse. I was so grateful when we finally got away from that toxic environment.

Similarly, I have experienced harsh treatment from other ministry leaders as well. In those situations, I felt like I could never do anything right and was always under a microscope. Every little thing I did was magnified and made into a public example. I was so discouraged. Until one day, God brought in a leader who was kind and gentle. She gave me permission to just be me and fostered a safe environment in which I could open up and share about the emotional and spiritual abuse I was experiencing. I trusted her and she truly encouraged me. It was so refreshing to have a leader that was sweet and kind, just like Jesus.

In our ministry, we want each woman to feel safe and know that she can share her story without judgement. We encourage her to use her voice, perhaps for the first time in her life. We want her to see the love of Jesus in our words and our actions. God wants our words to speak hope and life into the lives of the women He brings to our ministry and that is what we will always try to do. God has given us His heart for these courageous women. We are honored to walk alongside them on their healing journeys. You too are welcome here, courageous woman. Come as you are; we are waiting for you.

Closing Thoughts
What is Grace?
Grace is a gift from God; it cannot be earned.

Grace is overlooking someone else’s faults and loving them where they are.

I am so grateful for God’s overwhelming love and grace in my life. This grace compels me to love others, to extend mercy, and to be kind to all people. This grace humbles me when I think about what Jesus did for me on the cross…a gift I can never repay.

Number 6:24-26
“The Lord bless you and keep you; The Lord make His face shine upon you, And be gracious to you; The Lord lift up His countenance upon you, And give you peace.”

Reflection Questions:

Do you judge yourself harshly?
Do you judge others harshly?
Have you received God’s grace?
Are you able to extend grace to others?

You are loved,
Toni

Read more of Toni's blogs HERE!

My Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms

Abuse Recovery Support Group (ARSG)

My Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms

Coping mechanisms are defined as techniques we use to help us cope with the stress, pain, and trauma we have experienced in our lives.

Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms:

Avoidance and Isolation

Drugs and Alcohol

Denial

Busyness

Rationalization

Control

From my childhood I learned avoidance and isolation to keep me safe from unhealthy people or situations. Running and hiding is what I learned as a small child and I still used those tactics as an adult. Until I got into recovery and learned new healthy coping mechanisms. Praise God! Instead of avoidance God gave me a voice and I learned to communicate my likes and dislikes. I never developed a voice growing up but once I put up boundaries, using my voice was necessary to communicate those boundaries to others. As time went by, I felt more comfortable sharing my heart with others without fear of rejection. God also told me to stop running and hiding and to leave the outcome to Him.

Just recently I was triggered by a situation and my first response was to run away and to disconnect from this person. I see now that was a wrong response. I had to pray very hard for the Lord to help me in this area. We all have things from our past trauma that causes us to go back to our old ways of dealing with things, especially when we are weak, or vulnerable, or HALT (Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired). I am grateful for God showing me that by having healthy boundaries and by using my voice is the best way to live a life that is peaceful and pleasing to Him.

I started using alcohol and drugs at 12 years old when I was not getting the healthy attention I needed at home. I decided to start taking matters into my own hands, which was a defining moment in my life because as a result of that choice I would run to other things other than God when I was hurting. I just wanted a quick fix to avoid the pain I had accumulated all my life. I used people and allowed them to use me. My life was filled with regret, fear of rejection, depression, suicidal thoughts and self-hatred. I thank God for having mercy on this broken woman, who saved me from myself destructive lifestyle. I now run to Jesus to take my pain away.

I was in denial about the dysfunction in my home of origin and my home with my husband and children, for many years until I realized I cannot control another person and doing anything out of fear never has a good outcome. I don’t have the power to change another person only God does. So, I relinquish control to God to change others or situations when I feel powerless. I was in denial due to my fear of rejection from my parents and spouse so I obeyed ridiculous rules to be accepted and loved by others, but that never worked. When I finally received the love of Jesus in heart then I had the courage to stand on my own without fear of rejection because I knew God would never leave me or forsake me.

Busyness was a tool the enemy used on me for decades, his purpose was to keep me so busy that I would not have time to recognize my dysfunctional life. My striving for love and acceptance even from God, kept me working so hard to be worthy, I never stopped long enough to evaluate my life, my choices, my relationships, my unhealthy view of myself, God, and others. I was so messed up, but I could not see that, until God showed me my ways were not working. Back in 2010 I was so depressed I asked God to take me home because I just wanted to die. And He said, “Do you believe I can turn things around for your good?” and I said, “Yes Lord I believe that.” He said, “TRUST ME.” After that I got in ACA recovery work and inner healing group for 5 years. God was exposing the lies, with His truth, I was learning about boundaries and what that looks like and he showed me that I was enabling abuse from others by not using my voice. God had me stop from all serving at church and First Care, because I was that sick and needed God to intervene to heal me. God was so faithful and put the right people in my path and I was healed and set free from all the dysfunction in my life and I started experiencing true peace and freedom in Christ. In Jan 2013 I started this ministry. Praise Him!!! Thank you, Jesus.

I rationalized my abuse, thinking I must not be a person of value or else others would treat me differently. After my abortion, the enemy told me I deserve to be abused because of my decision to abort my child. My husband was very controlling and I and the children were required to obey ridiculous rules. I rationalized in my head if I don’t obey these rules, he will leave me. The enemy used that lie for decades to keep me in bondage and in a very unhealthy home environment. I am thankful for the day I had courage to say no, I am not going to follow these rules and leave the outcome in God’s hands. I was no longer fearful of him leaving, I trusted God to take care of me and He has. My relationship with my husband now is better than it ever has been. I now know that I am loved and valued by God and He doesn’t want me to accept abusive treatment from anyone; I don’t deserve to be abused regardless of my poor choices in the past. He loves me and wants me to use my voice to put up healthy boundaries and to protect myself from unhealthy people and situations. I cannot change my past, all I can do is learn from it and share my experience, strength, and hope with others so perhaps they can make healthy choices.

Control was a tool I learned to use when I was very young. I honestly believed I could control how others feel, what they do, and that I could control the outcome. That all was a lie. I had no control over any of those things. Areas I tried to control were how people reacted and behaved toward me. I tried to control what others saw in me by wearing a mask and I also tried to control how much I weighed by taking speed, diet pills, and purging after I ate too much. God showed me by relinquishing control to Him that I can be set free from these obsessions and torment. He taught me to love myself just the way I am and to relinquish all control to Him, because He will never harm me.

I am so grateful that today I have been set free from all my unhealthy coping mechanisms and I have learned new skills to help me cope with the pain and trauma from my past. I had to completely surrender everything and everybody to God. I no longer cared about what others thought of me, I didn’t obey ridiculous rules out of fear of being rejected, I now had a voice and God has taught me how to use it to express my feelings in a healthy godly way. I am no longer in bondage to my old thinking and my old behavior patterns.

In Romans 12:2 the Bible says do not be conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind…. Daily time spent with God in His Word and listening to the Holy Spirit has helped me to move out of the chaos, dysfunction, and misery into a peaceful, orderly, and fulfilling life.

What have you used to help you cope with the trauma from your past?

What are some healthy ways you use to cope with things now?

You are loved,

Toni

Read more of Toni's blogs HERE!

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