Why Didn’t I Trust You, Lord?

Why Didn’t I Trust You, Lord?

This week, it will be 39 years since I had my abortion back in 1980 as a 21-year-old college student. I was far from home and far from God. Why didn’t I trust You Lord and have my baby? Why couldn’t I go to my parents and say I made a mistake? I was paralyzed with fear, anxiety, and torment.

Why didn’t Eve trust God? He was not trying to control them or hold back anything good from them. He was protecting them. Why does God not want us to have sex before marriage? Is He trying to control us or rather, protect us? Sin is destructive, it hurts our relationships with God and others, and it cost our children their lives.

I didn’t trust you Lord because I was not following Your laws and I was not seeking Your wisdom in my life. I was in the clutches of the enemy who was directing my steps and tormenting me to do evil and ungodly things. I was blinded by my own woundedness and my unhealthy coping mechanisms due to my depression, loneliness, isolation, and torment. My spirit was grieved, and suicide became a real consideration, especially after that horrific day: the day I took my baby’s life. But You Lord are gracious and kind, and You pursued me until I came to the end of myself and relinquished control of my life to You. That glorious day was February 6, 1994. I finally realized my life was a mess. I was so lonely and hungered for true healing and fulfillment in my life. I no longer wanted to just get by; I wanted to truly live. In John 10:10 we read Jesus’ Words, The thief does not come except to steal, kill, and destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.

Going forward from here, how do I trust God and give Him access to all of me? First, I must believe in my heart that He truly loves me and has my best interests at heart. I must recognize that His love does not compare with any other love in this world. It is pure, holy, unselfish, gentle, and eternal. I must repent and turn from my sins and recognize that Jesus died on the cross for MY SINS!!! In Romans 10:9-10, 13, That if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. For with the heart one believes unto righteousness, and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation. For “whoever calls on the name of the Lord shall be saved.”

I am so grateful for all the pain and brokenness I have experienced in my life, because it is the very thing that brought me to God.

In His love and service,

—Toni

Read more of Toni's blogs HERE.
What Is Sin?

What Is Sin?

Sin is living in rebellion against God’s laws.  Sin was passed down to us from our first parents, Adam and Eve.  Since the fall, the whole earth and every inhabitant has been affected by sin.  In essence, sin is a choice to go our own way apart from God’s perfect plans. Sin is self-seeking, prideful, and destructive:

“Sin will take you farther than you want to go, keep you longer than you want to stay, and cost you more than you want to pay. –”  R Zaccharias 

Genesis 3: 1-5 Now the serpent was more cunning than any beast of the field which the Lord God had made. And he said to the woman, “Has God indeed said, ‘You shall not eat of every tree of the garden’?”  2 And the woman said to the serpent, “We may eat the fruit of the trees of the garden; 3 but of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God has said, ‘You shall not eat it, nor shall you touch it, lest you die.’ ”  4 Then the serpent said to the woman, “You will not surely die. 5 For God knows that in the day you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”

1 Corinthians 15:22 For as in Adam all die, even so in Christ all shall be made alive.

Ezekiel 18:20 The soul who sins shall die.

We see from the garden that Satan has been deceiving us into believing that sin is acceptable, that everybody does it, and that there are no consequences for it.  As a result of Adam and Eve’s sin the whole world was plunged into sin, death, and destruction. Before that time there was no sin or death. Everything and everyone lived in perfect harmony.  Sin destroyed the garden, the relationship between Adam and Eve, their relationship with God, and even the relationship between animals (after the fall, animals no longer just ate grass and herbs).  In short, the whole world suffered the consequences of their sin. Once they sinned, Adam and Eve experienced separation from God for the first time. They felt shame, guilt, fear and loss.

When I found out I was pregnant at 21, I ran and hid, just like Adam and Eve did.  I didn’t want my parents to find out. I thought I could take care of it quickly, on my own, no big deal.  That was a lie from the pit of hell. It was a huge deal, and this supposed quick fix plunged me head long into a deeper depression than before. Suicidal thoughts, feelings of unworthiness, self-loathing and despair overshadowed me.  I felt I was all alone in a dark place, where no one knew how badly I was struggling with my decision.  

Why are we so affected by abortion?  Because we are going against our very nature, God created women to nurture, love, and take care of their children.  Instead, we did the opposite and murdered our children. I know that sounds harsh, but it is the truth. The enemy is lying to young woman today, saying that abortion is healthcare and that it is a form of contraception, that is a lie, it is terminating a life.  For a woman, nothing good comes out of abortion, nothing.

I am so grateful to God for having mercy upon me. This broken woman who once was barely surviving, is now a woman thriving and filled with the Holy Spirit of God (my constant companion, guide, and friend).  I am hopeful, joyful, and loved completely by God. I am His precious daughter. I pray that you too can experience peace with God and a relationship with Jesus Christ, His Son. God bless you, dear one.

 

Read more of Toni's blogs HERE.
Idolatry and Codependency

Idolatry and Codependency

Idolatry and Codependency
Abortion Recovery/Recovery Tools
Exodus 20:3-5a

Exodus 20:3-5a “You shall have no other gods before Me. “You shall not make for yourself a carved image—any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth; you shall not bow down to them nor serve (worship) them. For I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God…”

Idolatry is the act of putting something or someone before God in our hearts or minds. Idols are obsessions that consume us. An idol can be a job, money, a sport or hobby, a relationship, or a physical problem; anything that we put before God.

In the past, I have put my husband, my children, tennis, and other people before God. In fact, I became so consumed with what others thought of me, I became whoever they wanted me to be as a result, I didn’t know who I truly was. My fear of rejection and abandonment paired with my need for love and acceptance, made me a people pleaser. I had no boundaries so I accepted unacceptable behavior from others. I could never say no because I didn’t want to disappoint them. I allowed people to manipulate me, control me, and treat me very poorly. Deep down I felt I deserved it, especially after my abortion. I hated myself and felt I was of no value to anyone…not even to God. So, I allowed others to abuse me.

To protect myself, I obsessed over controlling everything and everybody. I didn’t trust anyone and believed they would all hurt me…even God Himself. Not having control was a scary thought for me, so I was afraid to put Him first. In 2010, I joined a recovery program for Adult Child of Alcoholics (ACOA). While there, I realized I had to relinquish control to God and admit that my life had become unmanageable. That’s when I started learning how to trust God. I learned to release individuals and situations into His capable hands, freeing me from carrying those burdens and feeling personally responsible for way too many things. I learned that God wanted to be first in my life. Reading His Word, journaling, and meditating on Scripture first thing in the morning became a daily habit for me. I looked forward to my special time with Him and Him alone, everyday

According to Mental Health America, the definition of codependency is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive (https://www.mhanational.org/co-dependency). In recovery, I learned about the condition of codependency and how I was so intertwined with other people’s lives that I could not detach myself from them. Their lives affected mine too much. I had to step back and allow them to make their own decisions, learn from their mistakes, and experience consequences for their own actions. I no longer had to jump in to fix, rescue, or save others. I learned that I am not God, nor can I control another person. I grew up believing I had the power to make people happy or sad by my words and actions; that was a lie from the devil. I never had that much control. Once I realized this, I surrendered to God and gave Him all the people and situations in my life I had tried to control. Finally, for the first time ever, I was responsible only for myself.

Twelve years later, I now see how God directed my path. He led me to get the help I needed so that I could be set free to live the abundant life Jesus came to give me. He has taken my ashes and my sins and has used them for my good and His glory. I am so grateful for His faithfulness and love over the years. I would not be where I am today if it wasn’t for Jesus leading and guiding me.

Questions & Closing Thoughts:

IDOL’ATRY, n. L. idol latria. Gr. idol, and to worship or serve.

  1. The worship of idols, images, or anything made by hands, or which is not God. Idolatry is of two kinds; the worship of images, statues, pictures, etc. made by hands; and the worship of the heavenly bodies, the sun, moon and stars, or of demons, angels, men and animals.
  2. Excessive attachment or veneration (great respect or reverence) for anything, or that which borders on adoration.

(Definitions from Webster’s American Dictionary of the English Language, 1828.)

  1. Do you have idols in your life?
  2. Did you have codependency issues in you past? How did you overcome them?
  3. Do you trust God and are you putting Him first? If not, what are you afraid of?

I pray that this topic has given you awareness about some areas in your life that God wants you to change. God bless you as you seek His wisdom and guidance.

You are loved,

—Toni

Read more of Toni's blogs HERE.
Self-Pity

Self-Pity

Self-Pity

Philippians 2:2-4, Galatians 5:22-23

God wants me to spend less time thinking of myself, and more time thinking of Him and others.

Self-pity is being consumed with thoughts about oneself, usually regarding some unfair situation or treatment by others. Self-pity is feeling sorry for yourself and asking yourself questions like, “Why Me? Why is God not doing something about this situation that I am in?”

I feel self-pity when I perceive an injustice, when I am feeling rejected or left out, when I compare myself to other women, or when I am hurt and disappointed by another’s actions. Self-pity is a dark, slippery, deep hole. In this pit I feel alone, abandoned by others, and tormented.

When I focus on self and not God, I have a distorted view of truth. I feel hopelessness because I am doing things in my own strength. I cannot see how my circumstances can change because I am powerless to change them. When I focus on self and not God, the enemy sees that I am vulnerable and attacks me with his fiery darts. My head and eyes are cast down, I am heavy with no energy, and I feel all alone. When I am looking down, I cannot see God and be thankful for all the things He does for me on a daily basis. This is the enemy’s plan. He wants me to isolate myself from God and others. He wants me to focus on that one thing I don’t have, and he continues to lie to me until I start believing him. Then, he has me exactly where he wants me. His purpose in this world is to steal, kill, and destroy me, my testimony, my joy, and my trust in God.

I also know I am in self-pity mode when I compare myself to other women, being critical and judgmental towards them. This happens when I am feeling insecure about myself and I am not walking in the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23). When I catch myself thinking like this and speaking harsh things, I immediately recognize I am in sin, confess this to God, and ask for forgiveness. Instead of judging others, I need to look for the similarities between us and seek out the good in them. Who am I to judge another person? Only Jesus is Judge. I am commanded by God to love others.

How can we get out of the pit of despair and negative thoughts?

  • The Word of God replaces those negative thoughts and lies with His truth. It is His truth that makes us free. (John 8:32)

     

  • By focusing on others. We read in Philippians 2:2-4: “Fulfill my joy by being like-minded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind. Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others. Let His mind be in you (The mind that was in Christ).”

In His love & service,

Toni

Read more of Toni's blogs HERE.

Your Are Safe Here

You are safe here...

If you had an abortion in your past, you have found a safe place.

Here, you are safe to share your heart and your tears over your abortion decision, whether it was by choice or if someone forced you.

If you are overwhelmed with feelings of loss, shame, guilt, loneliness, depression, despair, and it’s hard for you to function, we can walk with you and help you get the love and support you need, so you can heal.

You are in the right place for hope and healing through the Word of God, Jesus Christ, and a safe and loving environment for you to share without fear of judgment or condemnation.

I have been doing post-abortion recovery since 2006 through various Bible Studies and venues.

In 2013, I started post-abortion conference calls on Sunday afternoons, and I have a team of healed godly women ready to minister to you.

I have several options available to help you release your shame and guilt associated with your past abortion.

In exchange for those heavy burdens is a relationship with Jesus, having His peace, and experiencing true freedom. Here are the options:

  1. A conference call every Sunday afternoon at 4:00 PM EST. Each week we discuss a different topic. Most of the women on the call have experienced the loss of a child to abortion, and others struggle with unhealthy relationships, addictions, and unhealthy coping mechanisms.

Conference Call: 605-562-8400, PIN 4746600#

You’ll find more info on the Sunday Teleconference call at myashestobeauty.com/events

2. There are post-abortion Bible Studies available in many locations and venues. Face-to-face Bible Study meetings are available at a specific location and time, as well as a conference call Bible Study.

3. There are topics available on this site to help encourage you.

4. You can reach out if you need to talk with someone via telephone, text message, and/or email, whichever you prefer.

5. You can find other resources from different organizations that help with unplanned pregnancies and post-abortion recovery on our Resources page.

Most importantly, we are very proud of you for stepping out and seeking help and healing.

We are so honored to walk with you on this healing journey.

God Bless You.

—Toni