MY Wall—My Prison (Part Two)

My Wall—My Prison (Part Two)

When Is it Safe to Let the Wall Down?

In Part 1, My Wall—My Prison, we talked about the walls we built around ourselves as children to protect us from others and how these walls became our prisons. We found ourselves cut off from everyone, alone and tormented by the enemy. So how do we start taking the walls down and feeling safe to share what we have been hiding all these years?

First, a relationship with God is extremely important. To have this relationship, the Bible says we must be born again. We become born again or saved when we ask God to forgive our sins through confession (Romans 10:9) and repentance, which means turning away from our sins and turning to God (Luke 5:32). We must also believe in our hearts that Jesus is the Son of God who died on the cross for our sins, was buried, and rose again on the third day (1 Corinthians 15:3–4, Romans 10:13). We then receive the gift of the Holy Spirit, The Spirit of Truth. He gives us the power to understand Scripture (John 14:17), convicts us of sin (John 16:8), and is our comforter, constant companion, and friend (John 14:16). It is through the power of the Holy Spirit that God connects with us in a deep and intimate way, making us a family.

My life changed dramatically when I finally received the love of God in my heart. I knew Jesus loved me, but I didn’t feel loved. I still believed the lies that I was unworthy to be loved by God, or anyone else for that matter, because of all my sins, especially my abortion. When the truth finally penetrated my heart, I was forever changed. I realized I was a child of God who was adopted into His family. He would never leave me nor forsake me. I was His, and I was bought by His precious blood on the cross for my sins. I am loved by God just the way I am. I am so grateful for this truth.

Second, I believe being in a Christ-centered community is critical for our healing. In this community, the Word of God is used along with the power of the Holy Spirit. Prayer and recovery tools are also used in this loving environment, creating a safe place to share.

I believe abortion breaks the very soul of a women into a million pieces. Those pieces, created by the trauma of having an abortion, can only be picked up and put back together by Jesus. We were designed by God to love, protect, and nurture our children; we did the opposite. This group is a safe place to share our hearts and our hurts without judgment or condemnation.

Lastly, it is okay to still be protected from people who are unsafe emotionally and/or physically. God does not want His daughters abused. As God heals you and you become more confident, He will lead you to start sharing with those with whom you feel safe. This group is a good place to start sharing within a safe and loving community to build your confidence.

Healthy boundaries are necessary to keep us safe so we can have more fulfilling and meaningful relationships with others. On the other hand, holding on to secrets is not a good way to have deep and meaningful relationships. When you feel safe to do so, share your secrets so you can be set free, giving the enemy nothing to hold against you.

Questions

Are you ready to let your wall down to let God in so you can receive the love and the help you need?
Who are you praying about sharing your past with? Do you have a healthy relationship with this person? It’s okay to keep yourself protected, but do not allow the enemy to isolate you or put you back into the prison.

You are loved,
Toni

Read My Wall—My Prison (Part One) HERE.

Read more of Toni's blogs HERE.

My Wall—My Prison (Part One)

Genesis 1:27, Genesis 2:7, John 8:44, and Luke 15:10

When I look back on my past and try to put all the pieces together, I remember being a very young child, hiding from my father’s anger. He was unpredictable, and I was frightened by him. At the time, my mother was also struggling. At 23 years old, she had rheumatoid arthritis and a husband who was a rageaholic. She would become extremely frustrated and take it out on us kids. It was an extremely difficult time for our family. It was at this point that I began building a wall to protect myself from getting hurt by others. I became very quiet and isolated. It was a way for me to stay out of trouble and the only way I knew how to control my unpredictable environment. Little did I know, this wall would become impenetrable, and I would become a prisoner of it.

Alone and isolated: This was exactly where the enemy wanted me to be so he could torment me and hold me captive, destroying my life. The devil hates anything that God has created, especially humans. He hates humans because we are made in the image of God (Genesis 1:27) and have living souls that connect with God on a deep level (Genesis 2:7). The devil wants humans to bow down and worship him instead of God. How does he accomplish this? He does this by isolating us and lying to us, like he did with me. I built a huge wall around myself, a wall that I did not know would ultimately become my prison cell. He was a murderer from the beginning, as well as a deceiver, liar, and the father of lies (John 8:44). It’s no wonder that he was behind the first sin when Adam and Eve fell in the garden, and also the first murder between their children, Cain and Abel. He is alive and well today in the abortion industry, convincing women that abortion is their only choice.

When I lived behind my wall, I could not receive the love I desperately needed because I was cut off from the rest of the world. When we isolate ourselves, the enemy attacks us the most. We have no one to turn to for love, fellowship, or help. We are alone, tormented by our thoughts and the lies of the enemy. I have learned from experience that when I feel like isolating myself and putting my wall up, I need to do the opposite. So I reach out to someone and ask for help. That’s how I protect myself from the fiery darts of the enemy. I pray this was helpful for you.

All hope is not lost. God performed a miracle on my behalf, and He can on yours too. He pursued and wooed this broken, lonely, and tormented woman. He made me feel safe enough to slowly peek out of the window of my prison cell to hear about the beauty of the Lord and see Him working in my husband’s life. I so desperately wanted to feel loved and connected with another person in a deep and meaningful way. I have heard it said that God created us with a God-shaped hole in each of our hearts. We try to fill this hole with the things of this world, yet only He can fill it.

What I really needed was a Savior: someone who would love me, pursue me, sacrifice His life for me, and tell me I was worth the cost. I was waiting for my prince to come and rescue me, and He did. His name is Jesus, my Savior, my friend, and my Lord. He rescued me from the clutches of the enemy, and I am forever in His debt. I will serve Him all the days of my life, and I will be with Him forever in glory when I pass from this life to the next.

Questions

Have you put up a wall to protect yourself?
Are you still hiding behind that wall?
Are you ready to give God a try and lower your wall, so that He can heal you and love you?
Have you asked Jesus to forgive your sins?Do you believe that He is the sinless, Son of God who died on the cross for your sins, rose from the dead on the third day, and is now sitting at the right hand of the Father in Heaven? If you have not, then today is the day of salvation. The angels rejoice over one sinner that repents (Luke 15:10).

Please let us know how we can help you on your healing journey.

You are loved,
Toni

Read My Wall—My Prison (Part Two) HERE
When Is It Safe to Let My Wall Down?

Read more of Toni's blogs HERE.

My Mask of Perfection

Click Here for the Spanish Version!

From the time I was a small child, I did not use my voice and hid in the background to keep under the radar. As a result, I became what people wanted me to be. I was labeled, “The good, quiet one.” I was fearful of rejection, so I became a people pleaser. I believed the lie that if I were perfect, I would be loved. That’s when I started wearing a mask.

My need for love and acceptance caused me to hide parts of myself. I only showed the good sides so people would love me. Then, when I was 12 years old, I started sneaking whiskey from my parents’ liquor cabinet. Now, I was really hiding. I didn’t want my parents to find out. They were very strict with me being the oldest, and I didn’t want them to be angry or disappointed in me.

As I got older, my sins were more and more grievous, and my secrets became bigger and bigger. So, I isolated even more and hid everything. My mask morphed as I got older. As a child, I strived for perfection. I was a good student, good athlete, and an all-around good child. When that wasn’t working, I tapped into a lifestyle of alcohol, drugs and sex. When I was home, I was still the good one. But in high school, I was hanging out with those who smoked and did drugs.

At this point, people pleasing ruled my life. All I strove for were accolades from others and a place I could fit in and feel safe. But I would not find that for a long time. Honestly, I lost my own identity because I wanted to fit in with others. I no longer knew what I liked or what I wanted to do because I became a chameleon and changed depending upon the group I was with. I had lost my own identity striving to please others.

I felt unloved and lost. My drinking and drug use were out of control. I was a walking time bomb. I hated myself and felt so depressed. I struggled with keeping it all together. When I found out I was pregnant as a 21-year-old college student, I panicked. This pregnancy did not fit the narrative I was allowing my parents to see. I was not the good, quiet one. I was doing very ungodly, sinful destructive things, and now I was going to terminate my baby’s life.

How did I end up here? My whole life was a lie. I will have an abortion and act as if everything was fine. But everything wasn’t fine. After this traumatic event, I was more depressed than before, crying all the time and drinking more. My self-loathing and suicidal thoughts were now continually plaguing me. I just wanted to die so this torment would stop. It was too hard to keep up this façade. Slowly my mask was cracking, and I was so afraid of being exposed. All my sins and lies would come flooding out. I was scared.

In my early 30’s I had a physical and emotional break down. I could not function normally at all. I would lay on the couch for weeks at a time. All the years of stuffing and lying and all the pain I had been holding in all my life were starting to come out sideways. I was a walking volcano, spilling hot ash on anyone who got in my way. I was extremely emotional. I felt I could not look anyone in the eyes because if I did, I would not be able to stop crying.

Slowly I started recognizing I needed help. I needed someone who would love me, accept me, and heal me. I needed a Savior. Then on January 2, 1994, I heard the gospel for the first time. Within 4 weeks I gave my heart to Jesus, confessed my sins, turned from my old ways and turned toward God. I am coming up on the 26th anniversary of my salvation, and it is still the sweetest day of my life. It is the day I finally surrendered my life to God and allowed Him to heal my broken body, my broken heart and my broken mind. He transformed me into the woman He created me to be: a loving, confident woman filled with joy and peace. I have been adopted into the family of God; I am accepted, and I am finally loved. I feel safe to be me. I can take the mask off now because I am finally home.

Are you wearing a mask?

What does your mask look like?

Do you have the courage to take off the mask and be real?

I pray that as God heals you, you will be filled with His love and you will have the courage to take off your mask.

Blessings,

Toni

Read more of Toni's blogs HERE.

The Memorial Stones: Remembering What God Has Done

We see several times in Scripture that God commanded the children of Israel to set up a memorial of remembrance for what He had done for them. These memorials were to be shared with future generations so they could see what God had done for them. I believe it is important for us to look back as well, to see where we’ve come from and remember what the Lord has done for us.

Think back to a time before you knew the Lord. When you were walking in the way of this world and living your life for yourself and your own selfish desires.

What did your life look like before Christ? Tell others the wonderous and amazing things that God has done for you. There is power in your testimony. I pray God leads you to share this with others.

When I was 12 years old, I decided the, “good quiet” persona was not working for me. I was not getting the attention that I longed for. So, I decided to take another path, one that would lead to self-loathing, addiction, and destruction. I was blinded and unaware of the evil that I would do to myself and to others. My unhealthy destructive choices would only intensify with age and become more and more grievous as I plunged headlong into drug and alcohol usage, promiscuity, smoking, and ultimately an abortion.

I just wanted to be loved, but instead I was used and abused and did the same to others. I would continue on this self-destructive path until I was 34 years old. Then, one day in January 1994 in a small Baptist Church, I heard the gospel for the first time: Jesus was born of a virgin, lived a sinless life, was crucified on the cross for my sins and the sins of the whole world, was buried and rose again on the third day and ascended into heaven and is now seated at the right hand of the Father. It was His love for me and you that kept Him nailed to that cross. (1 Corinthians 15:3-6, Acts 1:9, Romans 8:34)

I don’t deserve His love, but it is the sweetest gift I have ever been given. I have been forgiven from my sin debt and I have been set free to live the life He created me to live. I am so humbled and grateful to Jesus for His work and for my relationship with Him. I am a new creation in Christ; old things are passed away, behold, the new has come. (2 Corinthians 5:17) I have a new life, a new purpose, and a new song in my heart thanks to Jesus.

Joshua 4:1-7

“And it came to pass, when all the people had completely crossed over the Jordan, that the Lord spoke to Joshua, saying:“Take for yourselves twelve men from the people, one man from every tribe, and command them, saying, ‘Take for yourselves twelve stones from here, out of the midst of the Jordan, from the place where the priests’ feet stood firm. You shall carry them over with you and leave them in the lodging place where you lodge tonight.’” Then Joshua called the twelve men whom he had appointed from the children of Israel, one man from every tribe; and Joshua said to them: “Cross over before the ark of the Lord your God into the midst of the Jordan, and each one of you take up a stone on his shoulder, according to the number of the tribes of the children of Israel, that this may be a sign among you when your children ask in time to come, saying, ‘What do these stones mean to you?’ Then you shall answer them that the waters of the Jordan were cut off before the ark of the covenant of the Lord; when it crossed over the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off. And these stones shall be for a memorial to the children of Israel forever.”

In His love and service,

—Toni

Read more of Toni's blogs HERE.

It Takes Courage to Be Healed

John 8:1-11, Romans 3:23, John 13:34-35, and Joshua 1:9

Why do only a few women come forward for abortion recovery healing? The statistics tell us 4 out of 10 women sitting in our churches have had at least one abortion between the ages of 18-45? What is keeping them silent? In 2015, Care Net and Lifeway Research conducted a study on abortion in the church. Their research found that fear of condemnation and judgment, were the most cited reasons why women remained silent regarding their unexpected pregnancy or abortion. That is so wrong, and I repent of that sin right now. Lord, if I have not been loving or supportive of another in my past, I pray you forgive me.

I saw this type of judgement on the faces of other believers when I shared my abortion and announced my calling to this ministry. The look of, “How could you!” was very obvious. I immediately thought of the verse in John 8, “You who are without sin cast the first stone.” I know my sin of abortion is very grievous, but in God’s eyes all sin is destructive and we are to show grace towards others just as God through Christ showed us grace and mercy. “For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God.” (Romans 3:23)

When I think about the judgment of others, especially those in the church, I think of the story in the Bible about the woman who was caught in adultery and brought before Jesus. In John 8:1-11, we read that religious leaders brought this woman before Jesus and told Him to condemn her because she was caught in the very act. Where was the man she was committing adultery with? He was nowhere to be found, was she alone caught in the act? The religious leaders threw her at Jesus’ feet for Him to condemn her publicly. I love Jesus’ words here, “He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.” Then slowly, from the oldest to the youngest, they walked away feeling convicted in their own hearts. Then Jesus says to her, “Woman, where are those accusers of yours? Has no one condemned you?”She said, “No one, Lord.” And Jesus said to her, “Neither do I condemn you; go and sin no more.”

The church is supposed to be the very place people can go to receive help, love, compassion, and care, not condemnation, judgment, and a cold shoulder. We, the Church, are called to minister to all people. God is not a respecter of persons (preferring one over another), therefore, we shouldn’t be either. God commands us to love one another. In John 13: 34-35, “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; as I have loved you, that you also love one another. By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.”

I thank God for each and every one of you who are reading this blog. I know how much courage it takes to step out of the darkness and face the fear of judgment and condemnation in order to be healed by Jesus. I am reminded of God’s words to Joshua when he took over leading the children of Israel for Moses. In Joshua 1: 9, God said, “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

God is with you dear one. Would you trust Him today to lead you into a deeper relationship with Him so He can heal you? He is waiting for you to step out of the darkness into His glorious, healing light. You will not regret this decision.

Blessings,

Toni

Read more of Toni's blogs HERE.

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