Every Child Deserves to Be Loved

Every Child Deserves to Be Loved

Romans 12:9b and Psalm 147:3

What happens to us as we get older and we mature and change our minds regarding abortion? Growing up I never imagined I would have an abortion. At a young age, I always loved children and took care of them because I was the oldest granddaughter on my mom’s side of the family. She is one of 10 siblings. My relatives would say, “Toni, go take the kids and play.” I even dreamed of becoming a teacher someday. That’s how much I loved children. So, I ask myself the question, why did I terminate the life of my first baby? Why did I allow the enemy to lie to me? Why didn’t I have the courage to admit to my parents that I had made a mistake and ask them for help? Why? These questions continue to plague me. The only response I can give right now is that I am trying to put all the pieces together to figure out the answers. I must revisit my childhood to identify the key moments in my life that led me astray. When did I start making decisions for myself—very bad ones—that would have long-lasting repercussions to endure for a lifetime?

My granddaughter, who is 8 years old, asked her mother about a huge billboard sign she saw on her way to school. The billboard read “Vote Pro-Life 2020” and showed a picture of a baby. My daughter briefly explained the issue of abortion and how the procedure leads to the death of the baby. My granddaughter was horrified. She could not believe a mother would kill her child. She wanted to know how the baby dies, but my daughter responded, “You don’t need to know that right now.” My granddaughter could not understand why a mother would take the life of her own child? They hugged one another and wept bitterly. After crying for a while, my granddaughter became angry and said, “How can our country allow this to happen?” She’s only 8. Yet, she knows that this is wrong. It breaks my heart. My granddaughter and I are extremely close. So, it saddens me to know that one day I will have to tell her that I had an abortion.

We have murdered over 60 million children in this country through abortion procedures. Do we need to mourn the loss of those children? Shouldn’t we all cry like my granddaughter cried when we hear such tragedy? How did each of us become so cold and disconnected from our very own child?

Where did the lie begin? When did abortion become an acceptable option? How did we transform from life-affirming children into post-abortion women? What a long and broken road we’ve walked. Let us unpack the truth and expose the reasons why we chose abortion?

I truly believe that if we had an encounter with the One True God, the Creator of the universe, engaged in a personal relationship with Him as children, teens and young adults, we would have chosen to give life to our babies in most instances. I would like to go one step further by highlighting the reality that many Christians have abortions as well. If we could only believe the truth that God loves and cherishes us and that He has a beautiful plan for our lives, we would make better decisions in this life. We were all raised in homes with some degree of dysfunction. Some were abused in their homes while others were neglected, or both. Every child deserves a safe home in which to experience love and be nurtured. Anything less is an injustice, which breaks my heart and God’s as well.

Mother Teresa of Calcutta once said, “The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread. The most terrible poverty is loneliness and the feeling of being unloved.” I believe our need for love has made us vulnerable to many kinds of evil and forms of abuse, especially you precious ones who were abused as children. When I see such evil being committed by those who have rejected Christ and remain unrepentant, the one thing that gives me peace is to know that God will bring them to justice. “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” (Romans 12: 19b)

Fear of rejection stems from another lie we have believed about God. The Lord, in His Word, reminds us numerous times, “I will not leave you.” Perhaps He knew this would be one of our greatest areas of pain and loneliness. He knew the enemy would use this lie against us as he has already done in the lives of so many others. The fear of man, fear of rejection, fear of abandonment and the fear of being judged harshly cause us to doubt God’s promises and His goodness. By fearing God more than fearing man, perhaps we would have had the courage to choose life.

It’s important to return to the memories of our past so that we can move forward. That doesn’t mean we camp out there and remain stuck in our pain. We just need to visit long enough to get understanding. In order to be healed, we must come to Jesus in our present condition and humble ourselves before Him. We can then trust Him to walk with us in the hidden places of our minds and hearts. It is only then that we can be healed and truly set free.

So, tell me your story. When did you think abortion was your only option?

What were the lies you believed that caused you to choose abortion in the first place?

Did someone force you to abort your baby?

God is with you dear one. He is close to the brokenhearted, and He heals your wounds. (Psalm 147:3)

Will you trust Him today to exchange your ashes, your abuse, your abortion, your sins for His love, forgiveness, peace and true joy?

 

Blessings,

Toni

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My People-Pleasing

My People-Pleasing

From the time I was a young child, I never felt secure, confident or accepted. These insecurities gave the enemy an opening into my heart. He planted the lie in my mind that if I were perfect, I would be loved. Perfection in every task and responsibility set before me became my obsession. From school to sports and hobbies—basically anything I did—I had to be perfect. When I look back, I can see that my efforts were a waste of time. The enemy’s plan was quite insidious because he knew I could never be perfect. Only God is perfect. By striving for perfection, I would ultimately fall short and feel rejected.

The enemy drove me to failure so that I would look for other means of satisfying my longing to feel accepted, included and secure. He accomplished his mission. I failed. Being the good, quiet one in the family was not working for me anymore, so I decided to rebel. At the age of 12, I began sneaking Scotch whisky from my parent’s liquor cabinet when they were attending my brother’s football practices. Alcohol use was the beginning of my demise, which ultimately lead to the death of my child through abortion. My poor choices opened the door to more evil as a consequence. My striving for acceptance from all the wrong people would lead me to use drugs and sex to fill the void in my heart, which I would later discover could only be filled by a relationship with Jesus. I had no restraint. My conscience was slowly becoming numb as I failed to use sound judgment. Over time, I barely felt conviction for sin. I wanted to protect my parents from disappointment, so I kept all of this a secret.

My fear of rejection was stronger than anything else in my life. As a result, I became a people-pleaser. I would do anything to be loved and accepted. I would allow others to use me, and I used others to fulfill my desires. Heartbroken from my wound of rejection, I hungered for love, leaving the door open to accept abuse from others. I believed that I was not a person of value. I was easily manipulated and controlled by those closest to me because I had no boundaries. I had no self-respect, so others didn’t respect me either. I felt used, abused, unloved and worthless. During my teenage years, all of those unresolved emotions lead me into depression. When I entered into college, I was no longer restricted and restrained by my parents’ rules. I would drink alcohol to the point of abusing myself. I hated who I had become so much so that I wanted to hurt myself. One day in my dorm room, I actually kicked out the small window by my bed. Thank God I was wearing cowboy boots at the time, or else I would have badly cut or broken my foot. I was like a walking volcano. My excessive drinking led to fits of rage where hot lava came spewing from within my inner darkness, and I had no control over who was going to receive that hot mess. Afterwards, I would feel so much shame and guilt over my actions. It felt like being trapped in a dark pit all alone with the abuser and accuser—the father of lies. It was a living hell, but I didn’t know what to do to stop the destructive cycle.

I could never say no to anyone because I didn’t want to disappoint people. I just wanted to be loved and validated by others hoping they would see value in me because I couldn’t see it. My people-pleasing strategy backfired when I failed to follow through on all the things I said yes to. There were simply not enough hours in the day to accomplish all that I had agreed to do. I would overextend myself, and then I would have to back out of things. That was such an uncomfortable thing to do. A vicious cycle had developed, and I didn’t know how to stop it. I put others’ needs above my own needs. I truly believed that if I didn’t keep a perfect house, if I didn’t follow all the rules and if I wasn’t the perfect wife, my husband would toss me away. As a result, I tolerated unacceptable behavior out of fear. The enemy constantly tormented me with his lies when all I wanted was to be loved.

I realize now that the enemy wanted me to kill myself, but God had another plan for my life—one that was good and filled with hope and a prosperous future. (Jeremiah 29:11) He did not allow the enemy to succeed in having me take my own life even though I had taken the life of my child. God thwarted Satan’s plan to destroy my body and my soul. God knew that I would receive Christ as my savior at the age of 34. He knew that in 2006 I would start my abortion recovery and healing journey. He knew that in 2013 I would start My Ashes to Beauty, a post-abortion recovery and healing ministry. What the enemy meant for evil God turned around for good. (Genesis 50:20) God has been watching over me all these years while protecting me from the enemy so that I could fulfill His calling on my life. I now live my life to please God and Him alone. I no longer care about what others think of me, which is a form of idolatry. I am so humbled by and grateful for God’s mercy towards this poor broken woman who was dying inside. She is now alive and adopted as a daughter into God’s family.

Are you or/were you a people-pleaser?

Are you still concerned about what others think of you?

How did you break that dysfunctional cycle?

Jeremiah 29:11 – “For I know the thoughts I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.”

Genesis 50:20 – “But as for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good, in order to bring it about as it is this day, to save many people alive.”

Blessings,

Toni

Audio of "My People-Pleasing" blog post

Audio de Mi Gente-Complaciendo (Español)

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My Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms

My Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms

Coping mechanisms are defined as techniques we use to help us manage the stress and pain in our lives. Common coping mechanisms are avoidance and isolation, denial, busyness, rationalization and control. From my childhood, I learned avoidance and isolation to keep me safe from unhealthy people or situations. Running and hiding became my usual reaction to problems as a small child. Into adulthood, I continued to use those tactics until I began my recovery journey and learned new healthy coping mechanisms. Praise God! Instead of avoidance, God gave me a voice, and I learned to communicate my likes and dislikes. I never developed a voice growing up. However, once I put up boundaries, using my voice was necessary to communicate those boundaries to others. As time went by, I felt more comfortable sharing my heart with others without fear of rejection. God also told me to stop running and hiding and to leave the outcome to Him.

I had huge blind spots as a post-abortion woman when it came to my parenting. Regarding my children, I became extremely sensitive and overprotective. I parented out of fear. I didn’t want them to feel the pain that I had experienced. I thought if I could control them, perhaps I could prevent them from experiencing what I did. Now, I know that was wrong thinking. I was in denial until I realized two things: I cannot control another person, and doing anything out of fear never has a good outcome. So, I have learned to apologize to my children for my overprotective parenting leaving the all-powerful God to change the heart of others. When I feel powerless, I remember to relinquish control to God to create a change in others or situations. I was living in denial due to my fear of rejection from my parents and spouse. As a result, I obeyed ridiculous rules in order to be accepted and loved by others. Truthfully, that never worked. When I finally received the love of Jesus into my heart, I had the courage to stand on my own without fear of rejection because I knew God would never leave me nor forsake me.

Busyness was a tool the enemy used for many years so that I would not have time to recognize my dysfunctional life and work on myself. In the year 2010, God told me to stop serving. I couldn’t believe He wanted me to do that. What will other people think? Asking this question led me right to the answer—you need to work on yourself because you are one sick puppy. I responded in obedience and took time to work on my own healing from 2010-2012. During this time, God took me to a desert place with Him so He could dispel all the lies I had believed. By focusing on His truth, I could be healed and finally set free. Although God had called me to this ministry back in 2006, He was finally able to equip me once I slowed down and put my focus solely on Him.

I had rationalized my abortion because I believed that since I was doing so much heavy drugs and drinking while smoking 2 packs of cigarettes a day, my baby would be severely deformed. I felt that my parents would reject me and would be extremely disappointed in me. But looking back on these 40 years, I wish I had the courage to tell them I made a mistake and ask them for help. I cannot change my past. All I can do is learn from it and share my experience, strength and hope with others. Hopefully, those I reach with my testimony can make healthy choices knowing all the information beforehand.

Control was another tool I learned to use at a very young age. I honestly believed I could control how others feel and what they think in order to determine the outcome of a situation. That was all a lie. I had no control over any of those things. I tried to control how people reacted and behaved toward me. I tried to control what others saw in me by hiding behind a mask. I also tried to control how much I weighed by taking speed and diet pills and by purging after I ate too much. God showed me that by relinquishing control to Him, I can be set free from these obsessions and this bondage.

I am so grateful that today I have been set free from all my unhealthy coping mechanisms. I have learned new skills to help me cope with the pain and trauma from my past. I had to completely surrender everything and everybody to God. I no longer held onto my children so tight. I no longer cared about what others thought of me. I didn’t obey ridiculous rules out of fear of being rejected. I now had a voice, and God has taught me how to use it to express my feelings in a healthy, godly way. I am no longer in bondage to my old thinking and my old behavior patterns. In Romans 12:2, the Bible says “Do not be conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind…” Daily time spent with God in His Word and listening to the Holy Spirit have helped me to move out of the chaos, dysfunction and misery into a peaceful, orderly and fulfilling life.

What unhealthy things have you used to help you cope with the trauma from your past?

What are some healthy ways you cope with things now?

Reach out and get the help and encouragement you need. We are here ready and waiting to serve you and help you to become the woman God created you to be.

Blessings,

Toni

 

 

 

—Toni

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Gracias por el dolor Señor porque sin él no te habría encontrado

Gracias por el dolor Señor porque sin él no te habría encontrado

Gracias por el dolor Señor porque sin él no te habría encontrado.

Jeremías 29:13 “Y me buscarás y me encontrarás, cuando me busques con todo tu corazón.”

El dolor es algo bueno; nos hace conscientes de que hay un problema. Yo creo que Dios nos da la capacidad de sentir dolor para decirnos que algo está mal y necesita nuestra atención.

Yo nunca tuve una voz cuando era más joven; en vez de eso, reprimí todos mis sentimientos desde el momento en el que era una niña muy pequeña hasta los últimos años de la edad de los 20 años y principios de los treinta. Fue durante ese tiempo que mi salud estaba decayendo y estaba experimentando todo tipo de dolor en mis coyunturas y en la espalda baja, fatiga y depresión. Los doctores pensaban que tenía la enfermedad de Lyme, así que comenzaron a darme antibióticos.

Al no mejorar, ellos aumentaron mi dosis al doble, lo cual me provocó un envenenamiento por antibióticos. Por esta dosis alta, mi presión sanguínea bajó y también mi temperatura corporal. Me sentía terrible. Solamente necesitaba un alivio. Yo creo que Dios usó mis problemas de salud para obtener mi atención.

Estaba teniendo una crisis emocional también. Todo lo que me había guardado a lo largo de vida estaba desbordándose y no tenía control de mi enojo y mi ira. Me sentía avergonzada y culpable después de mis crisis por todas las cosas que hacía y decía. Pateaba las ventanas y golpeaba las paredes con el puño. Rechinaba los dientes y gruñía. Daba miedo ver esa escena, especialmente a mis hijos. Estaba fuera de control.

Estaba tan quebrantada y apenas podía sobrellevar el día. Estaba cansada de llevar la máscara y de fingir. Solamente quería ser amada y aceptada por quien yo era.

Por mi miedo al rechazo y al abandono, tenía miedo de quitarme la máscara y de abrirme y ser vulnerable, pero llevar la máscara puesta se volvió cada vez más difícil y cansado.

Ya no fingiría más que mi vida era perfecta cuando en realidad se estaba derrumbando.

En el pasado había usado drogas, alcohol, promiscuidad, cigarros, compras, cualquier cosa para ayudarme a lidiar con el dolor. Yo necesitaba algo o alguien para que se llevara mi dolor porque esas cosas ya no me servían.

 

Me estaba cansando de despertar en el piso del baño después de una noche de bebida y pensaba, “No quiero que mis hijos piensen que esto está bien.” Necesitaba ayuda, desesperadamente.

 

Nunca aprendí a comunicarme correctamente en mi hogar de origen. Como resultado, guardaba y reprimía mis sentimientos de dolor y decepción. Ni siquiera podía pedir lo que necesitaba.

Todo ese dolor de no ser escuchada y no tener una voz fue un gran peso para mí.

Permitieron que otros me manipularan, abusaran de mí y controlaran mi vida. Yo creía que no valía como persona porque si valiera, las personas me hubieran tratado de manera diferente. Yo reconocí que permití esa conducta enfermiza porque no tenía límites y no me amaba ni me respetaba a mí misma.

¿Cómo podía esperar que otros me trataran con amor, bondad y respeto cuando en el fondo yo creía que merecía ser abusada, especialmente después de mi aborto?

Finalmente llegué al final de mí misma y estaba dispuesta a darle a Dios una oportunidad.

Sabía que estaba arruinando mi vida y realmente no tenía nada qué perder. Era justo después de la Navidad de 1993. Estaba pintando el dormitorio de mi hija y escuché un mensaje acerca de Sara y Abraham. El Espíritu Santo comenzó a moverme y me dio la audacia para ir y hablar con mi esposo. Bajé las escaleras y dije “¿A qué hora comienza la iglesia mañana?” Pensé que él se iba a caer del sillón.

“9:30”, contestó.

“Me gustaría ir a la iglesia contigo mañana.”

“Genial; necesitamos salir alrededor de las 9:00.”

“Bien. Estaré lista.”

En ese momento, estábamos asistiendo a dos iglesias por separado los domingos: los niños y yo íbamos a una iglesia y mi esposo a otra. Pero las cosas estaban a punto de cambiar, radicalmente.

¡Ese domingo de enero de 1994, por primera vez, escuché que Jesús murió en la cruz por mis pecados!” Me impresionó. Nunca había escuchado una prédica así.

 

Dentro de 4 semanas, entregué mi vida a Jesús, confesé mis pecados y recibí el don del perdón que Dios da gratuitamente a todos los que claman a Él.

El 6 de febrero de 1994 nací de nuevo.

Fue el día más dulce y más hermoso de mi vida.

Finalmente, encontré a alguien que podía llevarse mi dolor, mi vergüenza, mi culpa y mi pecado. Qué hermoso Salvador.

 

Blessings,

Toni

Mi máscara de perfección (Toni Weisz)

Mi máscara de perfección (Toni Weisz)

Mi máscara de perfección

por toni Weisz

Desde que era pequeña, no usé mi voz y me escondí en el fondo para pasar desapercibida. Como resultado, me convertí en lo que la gente quería que fuera. Me etiquetaron, “la buena, la callada.” Tenía miedo a ser rechazada, así que me dediqué a complacer a los demás. Creí la mentira de que, si era perfecta, me amarían. Ahí fue cuando empecé a llevar puesta la máscara.

Mi necesidad de amor y aceptación causó que escondiera partes de mí misma. Solamente mostraba los lados buenos para que la gente me amara. Entonces, cuando tenía 12 años, empecé a tomar a hurtadillas el whiskey del gabinete de licor de mis padres. Ahora, realmente me estaba escondiendo. No quería que mis padres se enteraran. Ellos eran muy estrictos conmigo por ser la mayor y no quería que se enojaran conmigo o se decepcionaran de mí.

Conforme crecía, mis pecados eran más y más graves y mis secretos se volvían más y más grandes, así que me aislé aún más y escondí todo. Mi máscara se transformó conforme crecía. De niña aspiraba a la perfección. Era una estudiante buena, una atleta buena y una niña buena en general. Cuando no estaba trabajando, sacaba provecho de un estilo de vida de alcohol, drogas y sexo. Cuando estaba en casa, seguía siendo la buena, pero en la preparatoria estaba juntándome con los que fumaban y se drogaban.

En ese momento, el complacer a la gente regía mi vida. A lo único a lo que aspiraba era a los elogios de los demás y a tener un lugar en el cual encajara y me sintiera segura pero no lo encontraría por mucho tiempo. Honestamente, perdí mi propia identidad porque quería encajar con los demás. Ya no sabía lo que me gustaba o lo que quería hacer porque me convertí en un camaleón y cambiaba dependiendo del grupo con el que estaba. Había perdido mi propia identidad aspirando a complacer a los demás.

Sentía que no me amaban y que estaba perdida. La bebida y el uso de drogas estaba fuera de control. Era una bomba a punto de estallar. Me odiaba a mí misma y me sentía tan deprimida. Batallaba para mantener todo en orden. Cuando supe que estaba embarazada, como una estudiante universitaria de 21 años de edad, entré en pánico. Este embarazo no encajaba en la narrativa que estaba dejando que mis padres vieran. No era la buena y la callada. Estaba haciendo cosas muy impías, pecaminosas y destructivas y ahora iba a terminar con la vida de mi bebé.

¿Cómo terminé aquí? Toda mi vida era una mentira. Tendría un aborto y actuaría como si todo estuviera bien. Pero no todo estaba bien. Después de este evento traumático, estaba más deprimida que antes, lloraba todo el tiempo y bebía más. El odio hacia mí misma y los pensamientos suicidas estaban ahora atormentándome continuamente. Solamente quería morir para que ese tormento terminara. Era demasiado difícil mantener esta fachada. Lentamente mi máscara se agrietaba y tenía tanto miedo a quedar al descubierto. Todos mis pecados y mentiras se desbordarían. Tenía miedo.

A principios de mis treinta años tuve un colapso físico y emocional. No podía funcionar de manera normal para nada. Me acostaba en el sillón por semanas enteras. Todos los años de bloqueo y mentiras y todo el dolor al que me había aferrado toda mi vida comenzaba a desbordarse. Era como un volcán andante, derramando cenizas incandescentes en quien se Translated by: Monica Medina metiera en mi camino. Estaba extremadamente sensible. Sentía que no podía ver a nadie a los ojos porque si lo hacía no podría dejar de llorar.

Lentamente comencé a reconocer que necesitaba ayuda. Necesitaba a alguien que me amara, me acepta y me sanara. Necesitaba un Salvador. Entonces, el 2 de enero de 1994, escuché el evangelio por primera vez. En cuatro semanas le di mi corazón a Jesús, confesé mis pecados, me alejé de mis caminos antiguos y me volví a Dios. Estoy por llegar al XXVI aniversario de mi salvación y es el día más dulce de mi vida. Es el día que finalmente entregué mi vida a Dios y le permití que sanara mi cuerpo quebrantado, mi corazón quebrantado y mi quebrantada mente. Él me transformó en la mujer que Él creó: una mujer amorosa, segura y llena de gozo y paz. He sido adoptada en la familia de Dios; soy aceptada y finalmente amada. Me siento segura de ser yo. Puedo quitarme la máscara ahora porque finalmente estoy en casa.

¿Traes puesta una máscara?

¿Qué aspecto tiene tu máscara?

¿Tienes el valor de quitarle la máscara y ser auténtica?

Oro para que Dios te sane, que te llenes de Su amor y que tengas el valor de quitarte tu máscara.

Bendiciones,

Toni