My Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms

My Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms

My Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms

by Toni Weisz/Abuse Recovery

Scriptures: Hebrews 13:5c, Romans 12:1-2, John 8:31-32 and Zephaniah 3:17

Romans 12:1-2
I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. And do not be conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is good and acceptable perfect will of God.

John 8:31-32
Then Jesus said to those Jews who believed Him, “If you abide in my word, you are my disciples indeed. And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.”

Coping mechanisms are defined as techniques we use to help us cope with the stress, pain, and trauma we have experienced in our lives.

Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms:

  • Avoidance and Isolation
  • Drugs and Alcohol
  • Denial
  • Busyness
  • Rationalization
  • Control

From my childhood, I learned avoidance and isolation to keep me safe from unhealthy people or situations. Running and hiding is what I learned as a small child, and I still used those tactics as an adult until I got into recovery and learned new healthy coping mechanisms. Praise God!

Instead of avoidance, God gave me a voice, and I learned to communicate my likes and dislikes. I never developed a voice growing up, but once I put up boundaries, using my voice was necessary to communicate those boundaries to others. As time went by, I felt more comfortable sharing my heart with others without fear of rejection. God also told me to stop running and hiding and to leave the outcome to Him.

I started using alcohol and drugs at 12 years old when I was not getting the healthy attention I needed at home. I decided to start taking matters into my own hands, which was a defining moment in my life. As a result of that choice, I would run to other things other than God when I was hurting. I just wanted a quick fix to avoid the pain I had accumulated all my life. I used people and allowed them to use me. My life was filled with regret, fear of rejection, depression, suicidal thoughts, and self-hatred. I thank God for having mercy on this broken woman. He saved me from my self-destructive lifestyle. I now run to Jesus to take my pain away. He is the only one who will never leave me nor forsake me (Ref. Hebrews 13:5c).

I was in denial about the dysfunction in my home of origin and my home with my husband and children for many years until I realized I cannot control another person and that doing anything out of fear never ends well. I don’t have the power to change another person; only God does. So, I relinquish control to God to change others or situations when I feel powerless. I was in denial due to my fear of rejection from my parents and spouse, so I obeyed ridiculous rules to be accepted and loved by others, but that never worked. When I finally received the love of Jesus in my heart, then I had the courage to stand on my own without fear of rejection from others because I knew God was with me, always.

Busyness was a tool the enemy used on me for decades. His purpose was to keep me so busy that I would not have time to recognize my dysfunctional life. My striving for love and acceptance, even from God, kept me working so hard to feel worthy. I never stopped long enough to evaluate my life, my choices, my relationships, my unhealthy view of myself, God, and others. I was so messed up, but I could not see that until God showed me my ways were not working.

Back in 2010, I was so depressed I asked God to take me home because I just wanted to die. And He said, “Do you believe I can turn things around for your good?”

I said, “Yes, Lord, I believe that.”

He said, “TRUST ME.”

After that, I got into ACA recovery work and an inner healing group for five years. God was exposing the lies with His truth. I was learning about boundaries and what that looks like, and He showed me that I was enabling abuse from others by not using my voice. God had me stop from all serving at church and First Care because I was that sick and needed God to intervene to heal me. God was so faithful and put the right people in my path, and I was healed and set free from all the dysfunction in my life and started experiencing true peace and freedom in Christ. In January 2013, I started this ministry. Praise Him!!! Thank you, Jesus.

I rationalized my abuse, thinking I must not be a person of value or else others would treat me differently. After my abortion, the enemy told me I deserve to be abused because of my decision to abort my child. My husband was very controlling, and my children and I were required to obey ridiculous rules. I rationalized in my head that if I didn’t obey those rules, he would leave me. The enemy used that lie for decades to keep me in bondage and in a very unhealthy home environment. I am thankful for the day I had courage to say, “No, I am not going to follow these rules,” and leave the outcome in God’s hands.

I was no longer fearful of him leaving. I trusted God to take care of me, and He did. My relationship with my husband now is better than it ever has been. I now know that I am loved and valued by God and that He doesn’t want me to accept abusive treatment from anyone; I don’t deserve to be abused regardless of my poor choices in the past. He loves me and wants me to use my voice to put up healthy boundaries and to protect myself from unhealthy people and situations. I cannot change my past. All I can do is learn from it and share my experience, strength, and hope with others so perhaps they can make healthy choices.

Control was a tool I learned to use when I was very young. I honestly believed I could control how others feel, what they do, and that I could control the outcome. That all was a lie. I had no control over any of those things. Areas I tried to control were how people reacted and behaved toward me. I tried to control what others saw in me by wearing a mask, and I also tried to control how much I weighed by taking speed, diet pills, and purging after I ate too much. God showed me by relinquishing control to Him that I can be set free from these obsessions and torment. He taught me to love myself just the way I am and to relinquish all control to Him because He will never harm me.

I am so grateful for the day I was set free from all my unhealthy coping mechanisms. I have learned new skills to help me cope with the pain and trauma from my past. I had to completely surrender everything and everybody to God. I no longer cared about what others thought of me. I didn’t obey ridiculous rules out of fear of being rejected, I now had a voice, and God has taught me how to use it to express my feelings in a healthy godly way. I am no longer in bondage to my old thinking and my old behavior patterns. I truly have become a new creation in Christ, with God’s help and by renewing my mind daily.

In Romans 12:2, the Bible says do not be conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.

Daily time spent with God in His Word and listening to the Holy Spirit has helped me to move out of the chaos, dysfunction, and misery into a peaceful, joyful, and fulfilling life.

Questions to take to heart:

  1. What have you used in the past to help you cope with the trauma you have experienced in your life?
  2. How did you break those unhealthy destructive behaviors?
  3. What are some healthy things you do now to help you cope in a godly way?
  4. How can we pray for you?

I pray this topic has been helpful for you. Please reach out if you need to talk: toni@myashestobeauty.com.

I will leave you with one of my favorite verses:
Zephaniah 3:17
The Lord your God in your midst, the mighty One will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.

You are loved,
Toni

 

 

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Rejection, a Lie of the Devil

Rejection, a Lie of the Devil

Rejection, a Lie of the Devil

by Toni Weisz/Spiritual Warfare
Psalm 27:10, Romans 8:38-39, Matthew 24:35, Psalm 147:3

The spiritual warfare I am experiencing lately has heightened, due to me taking on the leadership for my church prayer team since our leaders stepped down a few months ago, and now I am about to start a STS (Surrendering the Secret) study session. I am still in a
wheelchair after my foot surgery about a month ago. So, I would say I am a little vulnerable right now. But I am aware of what the evil one is trying to do. Rejection has always been a huge wound for me from my childhood.

When I feel rejected by my earthly family, I am reminded that my peace and security doesn’t come from money, relationships, or anything else this world has to offer. My peace and security come from knowing God my Heavenly Father, and His Son Jesus, and the Holy Spirit my constant companion and friend.

So, when the evil one comes to poke my rejection wound, I remind him, “I belong to God.” I was plucked out of my earthly family and placed into the family of God. I am adopted by God. I will never be rejected. I will never be abandoned. I will never walk alone again. “When my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will take care of me.” (Psalm 27:10)

I am loved by my Heavenly Father, and nothing shall separate me from His love. “For I am persuaded that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities nor powers, nor things present not things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 8:38-39) What a beautiful promise from God’s Word.

Thank you, Holy Spirit, for giving me God’s perspective. It gives me great comfort to know the truth. I pray for my unsaved family members who do not have a relationship with You. They are desperately holding onto things like money, relationships, their physical beauty, a retirement account, or anything that gives them a sense of security. But it will all burn up in the end. The only real thing in this world is a relationship with You, Jesus. Everything else will rust, corrupt, decay and die, but your Word will never pass away. It is eternal. “Heaven and earth will pass away, but My words will by no means pass away.” (Matthew 24:35)

Dear one, I pray you know the Lord Jesus as your Savior. He knows what it feels like to be rejected and abandoned. He wants you to surrender all to Him. Stop trying to do things in your own strength. Allow Him to minister to you in all the places in your soul that have been wounded due to trauma from abortion and/or abuse. He comes to bind up the broken hearted and heal all your wounds. (Ref. Psalm 147:3)

Please reach out if you need to talk: toni@myashestobeauty.com.

You are loved,
Toni

 

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The Rescue

The Rescue

The Rescue

by Toni Weisz/Spiritual Disciplines
Scriptures: Colossians 1: 13-14 and Isaiah 53:2e-3b and 62:2b

Colossians 13:1
He has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of His beloved Son, in whom we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins.

Isaiah 53:2e-3b
There is no beauty that we should desire Him. He is despised and rejected by men, A man of sorrows and acquainted with grief.

Last week, my parents had to put down their beloved dog of 16 years. This little fella was like a child to them. He was beautiful to look at, a full breed Chihuahua, reddish brown with a big bushy tail. He looked like a miniature fox. But he was quite spoiled and could do whatever he wanted. We all called him, “The Little Prince.”

The grief was too much for them, so when I went to see them five days later, my dad said, “I want you to find us a dog.”

“Oh, okay,” I said.

I had no idea where to even start, so I texted my daughter who has rescued four dogs, “How can I find them a dog?” She made a few suggestions, so I went online and started searching, putting in their criteria. I came to this little guy named Happy Boy and showed my mom, and she said, “Oh no, I don’t want that one.”

I agree, his photo was not very flattering. He looked kind of scruffy. Nothing to be desired. Sound familiar? In Isaiah 53:2e-3b, Jesus is described as, “There is no beauty that we should desire Him. He is despised and rejected by men, A man of sorrows and acquainted with grief.”

I made a few phone calls and found a place, so after I left there, I went to go find them a dog. When I arrived at the shelter in, I looked at a few dogs, but none matched their criteria. They found one for me in a different city, so they made a call and I was on my way.

His name was Happy Boy, the same dog I found online that my mom did not want. Oh well, I was going to look at him anyway. He fit their criteria; his description read: friendly, loving, gentle, easy going, all the things they were looking for, but he was not pretty. I finally find this place located in a parking lot on the grounds of the Palm Beach Kennel Club.

I asked the young woman if I could see Happy Boy and she told me to wait outside and she would bring him to me. As I waited, I started a video to show my parents this little guy. When I saw him come, I said, “Hey, little guy, let me see you,” and he came running and jumped on my legs and was running all around. He was a bundle of joy and full of fun and energy. I thought, “Oh my, this is their dog. He looked much cuter than his picture. So, I called my parents and did a video call so they could see him. I told them that I could pick them up and take them to see Happy Boy the next day .

Once they saw him in the video, my dad said, “Bring him to us.”

“You mean buy him now?” I asked.

“Yes,” he said.

I said, “Okay,” and thought to myself, “I guess we are doing this.”

So, I went inside and filled out the papers and paid for Happy Boy. The young woman said we want to take a picture. When I picked this little guy up, he didn’t stop licking my face. I tried to raise my chin, but I could not escape his enthusiasm. He was so thankful, but I don’t think he understood he was being rescued. He just was so full of love that he couldn’t contain himself.

We were rescued also, by the precious blood of Jesus shed on the cross for us. I don’t think I understood the magnitude of this until recently. His death purchased my eternal life. He has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of His beloved Son, in whom we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, (Ref. Colossians 1:13-14).

On the drive to my parents’ home, this little guy settled in nicely, still panting because it was so hot. I had him lay down on the front passenger’s seat. He must have licked my hand for five minutes, as I was holding his leash so he would not fall off the seat. He started to dose off, feeling safe, comfortable, and cool. For the last ten minutes, he became a little antsy and jumped into my lap, and I finished the remaining part of our ride with this guy literally in my face. It was so adorable. He is such a love, a pure joy.

We arrived at my parents just in time as they had just pulled into the garage with a huge box in their trunk. They had just come back from the pet store with this big fence for their new little member of the family. This would not only keep him under supervision but also give him a space for his bed, new toys, and water. This was probably three times the size of his old cage at the shelter.

I called several times over the next few days to find out how they were all adjusting, and the response was an astounding, “We are all doing well, and “Randy” (his new name), is adjusting nicely.” Doesn’t God give us a new name too?

Isaiah 62:2b, “You shall be called by a new name, which the mouth of the Lord will name.”

I hope this story touched your hearts, too.

Jesus purchased our freedom with His blood on the cross. He rescued us from the kingdom of darkness and transferred us into the Kingdom of Light. He also gave us a new name. I pray you have experienced this transformation for yourself. If you want to talk to someone about what it means to have a relationship with God, to be born again, please email me at: toni@myashestobeauty.com.

You are loved,
Toni

 

“Happy Boy”
This picture was taken on the first day of his rescue from the shelter. June 6, 2025

The Rescue bu Toni Weis, HAPPY BOY

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When I Finally Received His Love

When I Finally Received His Love

When I Finally Received His Love

by Toni Weisz/Recovery Tools

Scriptures: Genesis 1:26, Matthew 10:30, and 1 John 1: 2-3, 7-9,

As a small child, I did not learn to use my voice. Instead, I hid in the background to keep under the radar. My home was chaotic and unsafe emotionally, and as a result, I became what people wanted me to be. I was labeled, “The good, quiet one.” I was fearful of rejection, so I became a people-pleaser. I believed the lie, “If I were perfect, I would be loved.” But that never worked. That’s when I started hiding and wearing a mask.

My need for love and acceptance caused me to hide parts of myself. I only showed the best parts of me so others would like me. This was not working for me, so I decided to rebel. When I was 12 years old, I started sneaking Scotch Whiskey from my parents’ liquor cabinet; then drugs at 13, sex at 16, and my abortion at 21. Now, I was really hiding. I didn’t want my parents to find out. They were very strict with me being the oldest, and I didn’t want them to be angry or disappointed in me.

As I got older, my sins were more and more grievous, and my secrets became bigger and bigger. So, I isolated even more and hid everything. My mask morphed as I got older. At this point, people-pleasing ruled my life. All I strove for were accolades from others and a place I could fit in and feel safe. But I would not find that for a very long time. Honestly, I lost my own identity because I wanted to fit in with others. I no longer knew what I liked or what I wanted to do because I became a chameleon and changed depending upon the group I was with. I had lost my own identity striving to please others. I so desperately wanted to be loved that I sought it from all the wrong places. I used people, and they used me. But I did not feel loved. I only felt even more alone.

I know many of you can relate to this. You did not experience a safe home environment where you were loved, cherished, or encouraged. Instead, you experienced horrific abuse, neglect, and abandonment. My heart breaks when I hear your stories, the very people who should have loved you did the opposite. I know it broke God’s heart too, and He wept. He also knew all the unhealthy things you would do to numb yourself to escape from the pain. Decades of bad decisions and even more sorrow and heartbreak.

God created each and every one of us in His likeness and image (Ref. Genesis 1:26). He knows us intimately, and every hair on your head is numbered (Ref. Matthew 10:30). He created us for fellowship with Him (Ref. 1 John 1:3). There is a hole in our hearts and a void in our souls that nothing else in this world can fill, except for a relationship with our Heavenly Father through His Son, Jesus.

Even after I was saved, I struggled believing I was loved by God. I was still striving for approval from God and others. I had taken my character defects and my false beliefs and had added them to my Christianity. It was Jesus plus pleasing others and Jesus plus my good works. I believed in my head that Jesus loved me, but that truth had not made its way to my heart yet. I struggled to believe that He could forgive all my sins. The enemy lied to me and told me my sins were too great and God would not forgive me. That is a lie from the pit of Hell.

The Bible says, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” (1 John 1:9)

The blood of Jesus on the cross for us was sufficient to pay all of our sin debt. He was our propitiation, our substitute (Ref. 1 John 1:2). It is finished!

Slowly, God was revealing His truth to me, and I was replacing those lies from the devil with His truth from the Bible. I remember the day I received His love. I felt a lightness and a joy in my heart. I felt a quickening in my spirit. For the first time in my life, I felt loved completely for who I was. God’s love for me was not based upon anything I could do. He loved me because He created me and delighted in me. Jesus made a way for me to know the Father’s love.

Questions to take to heart:

  1. Have you received the love of Jesus in your heart? If you have received His love, how did God reveal that to you? Please share.
  2. If you have not yet received Jesus, are you fearful to trust God because of the trauma from your past?
  3. What lies do/did you believe about yourself?
  4. How can we pray for you?

My prayer for you is that you will trust God and allow His love to fill the inner most part of your being, because when you do, you will never be the same. Thank you, Jesus. Please reach out if you need to talk. Email me at: toni@myashestobeauty.com.

You are loved,

Toni

 

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Suffering, a Blessing or Curse?

Suffering, a Blessing or Curse?

Suffering, a Blessing or Curse?

by Toni Weisz/Spiritual Disciplines

Scriptures: John 16:33b, 2 Corinthians 1:3-5, Hebrews 4:16, Isaiah 43:19

In the world you will have tribulations (trials and suffering); but be of good cheer (take courage), I have overcome the world. (John 16:33b)

Blessed be God and the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation (affliction), that we may comfort those who are in any trouble (affliction), with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation (comfort and encouragement) also abounds (is abundant) through Christ. (2 Corinthians 1:3-5)

Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need. (Hebrews 4:16)

Lord, I have been struggling for quite a few years while persevering in prayer for my children who have been suffering some of the worst trials anyone can endure: betrayal, divorce, relational problems, mental health issues, a debilitating undiagnosed illness, harsh judgement from others, loneliness, depression, and fear. I am crying out to You to help me understand and to help me encourage them. Help me to love them and listen to them to validate and affirm them. These trials have left my children feeling all alone in their struggles; friends and family have left them. They have been judged harshly by others who do not understand.

How do I encourage them when I too am struggling? Turn my perspective around, give me a Godly view of what You are doing so I can encourage them to look up to You, because You are our only hope. I know You are a good Father and You do not allow your children to suffer longer than is necessary. But it has been over 3 years and 24 doctors later with no diagnosis for my son. He struggles because there is no vindication, and he is being judged harshly by others. My daughter is fearful to trust a man again because of the betrayal she experienced. My granddaughter is suffering with rejection wounds and anger issues, who cannot understand why her dad and mom are divorced. She struggles to believe in You because she does not perceive You as a good Father.

I am humbling myself before You. I am running to Your throne and bowing down my will, my thoughts, my heartache, and pain, and I am giving them all to You. I am boldly coming to Your throne of grace to receive mercy and grace to help us in our time of need. Take all our pain, suffering, confusion, and exchange them with Your peace, Your love, Your joy, Your presence, and make us a beautiful living testimony of Your faithfulness to a world that is watching us and how we deal with these trials. Show them, Lord, how great a God You are. We want You to be magnified and glorified through our testimonies. Give us the strength and courage to stay strong, to suffer well, and to be humble and teachable. Increase our faith and trust in You so that we will not be shaken, nor will we waver, but instead, we will stand strong on Your Word and Your Truth that will endure forever.

Questions to take to heart:

  1. How have you been suffering lately?
  2. Has God revealed the purpose for your suffering?
  3. Has God used you to minister to others because of what you have endured?
  4. How can we come alongside and encourage you during this time?

We live in a fallen world, and suffering is a part of life, but prolonged suffering is hard, and we can feel all alone in our suffering. Please reach out if you need prayer or encouragement: toni@myashestobeauty.com.

You are loved dearly,

Toni

Thank you, Lord, for the blessing of suffering because it brings me closer to You. It humbles me and gets my attention so I am ready and willing to hear from You. Thank You that through my suffering I am conformed to the image of Jesus. I pray through my suffering I will have a greater capacity to love and have compassion for others who suffer. I know You never waste my suffering but You use it for my good and Your glory.

The Lord gave me this verse:
Isaiah 43:19
Behold, I will do a new thing, now it shall spring forth; shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.

 

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