The Uncontrollable Rage Within Me (Part 1)

The Uncontrollable Rage Within Me (Part 1)

The Uncontrollable Rage Within Me (Part 1)

by Toni Weisz/Abuse Recovery

Scriptures: Ecclesiastes 7:9 and Psalm 4:4

Ecclesiastes 7:9 Be not quick in your spirit to become angry, for anger lodges in the heart of fools. (ESV)

Psalm 4:4 Be angry, and do not sin. Mediate within your heart on your bed, and be still. (ESV)

My home of origin was chaotic and unsafe emotionally. From the time I was a small child, I did not have a voice and hid in the background to keep under the radar. My father was so stressed from his family business that he was always at the boiling point with his temper. I describe him as a rageaholic. He could not control his rage; it controlled him. As a result, my mom frantically tried to control his temper by forcing us kids to be quiet and compliant so as not to make him angry. She was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis at 23 years old. My mom was not equipped to deal with my father’s anger. When the three of us would misbehave, she would react in unhealthy ways. It was a very unpredictable place for a child.

I made decisions that were very unhealthy because I had no one else to turn to. My mom was so busy running around putting out fires, soshe didn’t see that I was struggling. My dad was so exhausted from running the family business, which was very demanding emotionally and physically. As a 12-year-old, I was isolated physically and emotionally, and that’s when the devil entered the picture. I started drinking Scotch whiskey from my parent’s liquor cabinet at 12 years old, using drugs at 13, having sex at 16, and having my abortion at 21.

When I think back on that time, I am so sad for the little girl who just wanted to be loved and cherished but didn’t experience that. Everyone was caught up in their own stuff, and they were not able to clearly see what was going on in our family. But the devil saw it; and man did he have a field day. A special note: I know my parents loved me and did the best they could with what they had.

I learned to wear a mask, hiding my feelings and stuffing them. This stuffing would eventually come out, but it was destructive and harmful. When I was a teenager in college and would get intoxicated, I would try to hurt myself by kicking in my dorm room window and punching doors and walls. I was filled with so much hatred towards myself, and I didn’t know where it was coming from or how to control it. Now looking back, I was angry that I did not receive the love I needed but instead was manipulated and emotionally abused by my family, feeling rejected and alone.

My boyfriend in college took me to the counseling center on campus. They only stirred up my anger even more, and then they would say, “Time is up. See you next week?” I was thinking to myself, “Now what am I supposed to do with all this junk you just brought up?!” I hated this process; there seemed to be no solution. This only caused me to medicate myself even more with drugs and alcohol to numb the pain that was surfacing.

When I would feel the rage building inside me, it was usually caused by a blocked goal or a perceived injustice. I would feel my cheeks getting hot and this thing rising within me. It was like this monster whom I had no control over; I would spew hot volcanic ash on anyone in my way. Then I would be overcome with these intense feelings of shame and guilt. This unhealthy behavioral pattern would last for decades. It was what I saw modeled in my home, and I knew no other way. I wish I wouldn’t have reacted like that, but I didn’t know what to do or who to turn to. Drinking and drugs were my escape from all the pain I had suffered all my life. They worked for a while, but I needed someone to love me just the way I was, someone who could take my pain away. I needed a miracle.

Then one day, I met Jesus, and He took all of my pain, healed my broken heart, and loved me just the way I was. I am so grateful for the day I became His child.

Questions to take to heart:

  1. Do you struggle with extreme anger/rage due to your past trauma?
  2. How have you handled this in your past?
  3. Have you been able to conquer this monster?
  4. How were you able to do that?
  5. How can we pray for you?

I pray this topic has been helpful for you. Please reach out if you need to talk or if you need prayer: toni@myashestobeauty.com.

 

You are loved,
Toni

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Back to BLOGS

God’s Peace

God’s Peace

God’s Peace

by Toni Weisz/Spiritual Disciplines

Scripture References: Psalm 119:165, Galatians 5:22-23, John 16:33, Psalm 147:4, Isaiah 9:6, John 10:29, and Daniel 2:21

Great peace have they which love thy law: and nothing shall offend them. Psalm 119:165

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance: against such there is no law. Galatians 5:22-23

These things have I spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world. John 16:33

Everyone in this world desires peace. The politicians are promising peace, but they cannot deliver that.

Why do we yearn for peace in our souls? Because we are all created by God, who offers this peace to all His children. Peace is listed third in the list of the fruits of the Spirit in Galatians 5:22-23.

Jesus told us in John 16:33, “In the world you will have tribulation, trials, and suffering, but be assured and confident I have overcome the world.”

God created us for a relationship with Him, but we try to fill this void in our hearts with all kinds of things, but nothing satisfies. Only a relationship with Jesus can satisfy our longing soul for fellowship with our Creator God and Father.

Jesus is the answer to every problem we face in this world. He binds up our broken hearts and heals our wounds (ref. Psalm 147:3). He is the Great Physician.

In Isaiah 9:6, which is a foretelling of His birth, it states that Jesus will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

How can we describe God’s peace to someone who has never experienced it? It’s the knowledge that I am forgiven, and I don’t need to hide my sins and secrets anymore. I don’t have to wear a mask and pretend anymore that everything is great. I can be real. I am loved and accepted by God just the way I am because Jesus paid my sin debt on the cross. I am no longer separated from God. I can love and forgive others because of what God has done for me. I am free. That is what gives me peace. I don’t belong to the devil anymore; I was bought by the precious blood of Jesus. I belong to God now, and no one can pluck me out of the Father’s hand (ref. John 10:29).

Another kind of peace comes from trusting God, no matter what is going on in the world or in my personal life. During this very turbulent and sometimes toxic election cycle, I worked 9 days of early voting, and I will work on Election Day, which is a 14.5-hour day. I still have peace.

Do you know why I have peace? I recognize that God is in control. None of this is taking Him by surprise. Daniel 2:21 says “He changes the times and the seasons; He removes Kings and raises Kings; He gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to those how have understanding.”

God is the one ultimately who decides who runs this country. We still need to do our part. I vote. I put a “No on Amendment 4” signs on my lawn, and I have worked the polls for over a decade. I thank God for giving me this time to do it, the strength and endurance to wake up at 4:30 AM, and I pray daily.

The enemy is continually trying to rob you of your peace because he knows you belong to God. He cannot take your spirit to hell, but he can torment you.

Spend time alone with the Lord in a quiet place, and allow His Holy Spirit minister to you. He loves you so much, and He knows your struggles. He collects your tears in a bottle. He knows everything about you, and He still loves you more than you can comprehend. Ask Him to cover you with His peace and to protect you. Make a daily decision to walk in His peace regardless of what is going on around you.

Questions to take to heart:

1.) Are you experiencing God’s peace right now?
If yes, why do you feel peace?

If no, what is preventing you from experiencing His peace?

2.) How can we encourage you and pray for you today?

My prayer for you is that you will experience the peace and joy of the Lord in your heart, mind, and soul. Please reach out. We are here for you. Email me at: toni@myashestobeauty.com.

You are loved,
Toni

 

Back to BLOGS

Why Do I struggle with Intimacy?

Why Do I struggle with Intimacy?

Why Do I struggle with Intimacy?

by Toni Weisz/Abuse Recovery

Scriptures: 1 Corinthians 6:12-20, 7:1-9 and Revelation 21:4

Excerpt taken from an AACC book, The Bible for Hope: Caring for People God’s Way (Pages 1500–1501 by Clifford L. Penner and Joyce J. Penner):
“Women function on two tracks, the emotional and the physical. These must be connected for a woman to be interested and open to intimacy. Women open up when they feel loved and connected with their husbands.”

The problem we have as post-abortion women and women who have experienced abuse is we are not deeply connected. Intimacy does not come easy for us. We have built a wall around ourselves to keep us safe and protected. But those walls become our prison cell, and we are locked behind it, feeling all alone and isolated. We cannot give or receive love in this place.

We need someone to come and rescue us. We need our Savior, Jesus, to come and slowly take the bricks away that are around our heart so we can slowly walk out of this prison into more intentional and intimate relationships with people. It can be scary at first, but Jesus is leading us with His righteous right hand. We are safe with Him.

How do we finally break free and trust again? It is a very slow process that can take many, many years. I am struggling right now to be more intimate with my husband and to relax and enjoy it, instead of just rushing through it, because I have had this wall up around my heart for so long. In the past, he was not a person I trusted to not hurt me. But I have been seeing some improvement, and he did take good care of me after my surgery. So, I am feeling like it is time to reevaluate that boundary. I have shared this with my accountability partner, and we are both praying with me about this. I want to honor God in my marriage.

I am also plagued with bad memories and ungodly thoughts of past things I have seen with my eyes. They just come out of nowhere, but I know who the author of it is; the enemy hates marriage, and he would rather I not be the godly, loving wife God created me to be. I am intentionally going back to those unpleasant memories with Jesus holding my hand, and we will revisit those times and situations because I want God’s perspective, His wisdom and guidance, not mine. I want to be healed in those areas. I want to feel love and to be able to show love also. It’s been bottled up for so many years; I feel like a robot. I want that to change. If you would pray for me in this area, thank you.

This morning, I started a new journal, and I went back to my first memory with my husband and how our relationship started and how I felt. I asked the Lord to remove any blindness so I can see clearly what my part was in the formation of this relationship. I wrote four full pages this morning, and then I heard the song, Scars in Heaven, and God even showed me a rainbow this morning. He whispered to my heart, “It will be okay, Little Bird; you will be healed in this area. I am with you; you are not alone.”

One day, dear one, all your wounds will be healed. We can experience healing here, but when we get to Glory, there will be no more pain, sorrow, or crying. Jesus will wipe all our tears away. We will finally be whole. Thank you, Jesus.

Scars in Heaven by Casting Crowns

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qCdevloDE6E

 

Questions to take to heart:
1. Have you struggled with intimacy with your husband? How did you work through that?

2. If you are dating, do you feel comfortable sharing your heart with him? Yes or No? Please explain.

3. Have you had a difficult time having healthy relationships with men in your past? If yes, can you give an example?

4. How can we pray for you?

Thank you for reading this blog. It was not an easy one for me, but I felt like I needed to share my struggles with you so you feel safe sharing yours. You are safe here, dear one.

Please reach out if you need to talk or pray this week. You can email me at: toni@myashestobeauty.com.

You are loved,
Toni

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Back to BLOGS

The Woman at the Well

The Woman at the Well

The Woman at the Well

by Toni Weisz/Spiritual Warfare

 

Scriptures: John 4:4, 7-10, 13-18
But He needed to go through Samaria.

A woman of Samaria came to draw water. Jesus said to her, “Give Me a drink.” For his disciples had gone away into the city to buy food.

Then the woman of Samaria said to Him, “How is it that You, being a Jew, ask a drink from me, a Samaritan woman?” For Jews have no dealings with Samaritans.

Jesus answered and said to her, “If you knew the gift of God, and who it is who says to you, ‘Give Me a drink,’ you would have asked Him, and He would have given you living water.”

Jesus answered and said to her, “Whoever drinks of this water will thirst again, but whoever drinks of the water that I shall give him will never thirst. But the water that I shall give him will become in him a fountain of water springing up into everlasting life.”

The woman said to Him, “Sir, give me this water, that I may not thirst, nor come here to draw.”

Jesus said, “Go call your husband, and come here.”

The woman answered and said, “I have no husband.”

Jesus said to her, “You have well said, ‘I have no husband,’ for you have had five husbands, and the one whom you now have is not your husband; in that you spoke truly.”

 

We see in the Scriptures that Jesus goes out of His way to meet this broken, shame-filled, lonely woman. Why was she at the well at that time? She came in the heat of the day when no one else was there so she would not see the disdain on the other women’s faces, nor see them whispering about her. She was a sinner in their eyes. Even unbeliever’s have their standards of right and wrong. For those of us who have been labeled certain things because of our past sins, we might find it easier to isolate than to face their pointing fingers, their whispers, and harsh comments or cold shoulders.

But Jesus clearly goes out of His way to specifically speak to her, a Gentile, and a Samaritan at that. Jews hated Samaritans, and a man speaking with a woman was especially looked down upon. Jesus treated women with the same respect He showed men. That was radical for that day and time. Women were looked down upon as a piece of property with no rights.

Jesus goes after the lost sheep, which was once all of us, especially women who have abortion or abuse in our past. We feel safer isolating and not being seen in public because we find it easier. But Jesus breaks through those walls we have put up to protect ourselves because He knows He is the only one who can truly save us from the evil one who torments us day and night and that He only can heal us in all our broken places.

God showed me a vision of a dungeon, dank, dark, and musty, and women sitting in chains with no way to escape. Those are the women our ministry rescues from the evil one. Jesus showed me that I was to go into the dungeon, and I saw myself climbing down the stairs, holding tightly to His hand as I reach out to grab these women to lead them out of the door of this dark place into His glorious healing light.

Our eBook has a picture of a dungeon with butterflies effortlessly floating out of the dungeon, which is a picture of these precious women being rescued, healed, and set free.

Leading Them into His Light. Toni Weisz. My Ashes to Beauty

It reminds me of the old Fanny Crosby song,

“Rescue the Perishing.” (1869)

Rescue the perishing, care for the dying,
Snatch them in pity from sin and the grave;
Weep o’er the erring one, lift up the fallen,
Tell them of Jesus, the mighty to save.

Refrain:
Rescue the perishing, care for the dying,
Jesus is merciful, Jesus will save.

 

Our ministry goes into the dungeons to rescue women who are still in bondage and chains. Thank God we are slowly going into more churches where these precious women are still hiding who are being tormented by the evil one. On August 18, 2024, I had the opportunity to go to Family Church in Downtown West Palm Beach to promote our ministry. I am grateful for our ministry partners: First Care Women’s Clinic in West Palm Beach, Care Net, Love Life, Choose Life Radio, Family Church in Jupiter, Coral Ridge Presbyterian Church, and Calvary Church in Jupiter. With our partnership with them, we are able to reach even more women with the help, hope, and healing of Jesus Christ. With our partnership with them, we are able to reach even more women with the help, hope, and healing of Jesus Christ.

Thank you all for your part in this ministry. Even if this is your first conference call, just you being here is vitally important to our work. Thank you to my courageous team of volunteers all over the country. If it wasn’t for you, we could not reach these women and take care of them the way we do. I am eternally grateful to each and every one of you.

Questions to take to heart:

  1. Where are you on your healing journey? Are you just starting or have you been working on it for many years?
  2. Where were you when Jesus found you? Were you like the woman at the well, hiding from others?
  3. How did you hear about our ministry?
  4. How can we pray for you?

I pray this topic has been helpful for you. If you need to talk, please email me at: toni@myashestobeauty.com.

 

You are loved,
Toni

 

Back to BLOGS

My Wound of Rejection

My Wound of Rejection

My Wound of Rejection

By Toni Weisz/Spiritual Disciplines

Scriptures: John 4:13-14 and 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a

John 4:13-14
Jesus answered and said to her, “Whoever drinks of the water will thirst again, but whoever drinks of the water that I shall give him will never thirst. But the water that I shall give him will become in him a fountain of water springing up into everlasting life.”

1 Corinthians 13:4-8a
Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.

Why do I long to belong to my earthly family?

Why is that rejection wound so deep?

Why do I want most what I cannot have?

The Lord speaking through the Holy Spirit, “Because, dear Little Bird, you were created to love and be loved, especially by your family. It’s how I created you. The well is dry, Little Bird. Stop hoping; Stop dropping your bucket down expecting them to fill it. I only can fill you. I am the Living Water, springing up into eternal life. When you drink this water, you will never thirst again. Come, Little Bird, let Me fill you until overflowing. Allow My love, so gentle and so kind, heal all your broken places. Let My peace cover you like a warm blanket on a cool winter night, and let My joy fill your heart and mind with hope and true contentment. Will you allow Me to do that for you?”

“Yes, Lord, I surrender all. I want You to be my all in all. I want You to fill the longing in my heart. I want You to validate and affirm me. I want You to give me peace that the world can never give me. I want Your love to flow through me. Your love is gentle, kind, patient, not puffed up, not selfish, does not hold onto wrongs, but instead rejoices in the truth, bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Your love never fails.”

 

Dear One, I know your heart has been broken too. I pray you will allow Jesus to heal you in all your broken places and allow His Living Water to fill you.

Questions to take to heart:

  1. Have you experienced rejection in your past?
  2. Do you still struggle with rejection even now at times?
  3. What do you do to help you overcome and heal that deep wound?
  4. How can we pray for you in this area?

I pray you know how much you are loved by God. He has a beautiful plan for your life. What the enemy meant for evil, God can turn around for your good and His glory. Please reach out if you need to talk: toni@myashestobeauty.com.

You are loved,
Toni

 

Back to BLOGS