Le but de mon bébé

Le but de mon bébé

Le blog de Lucie

Genèse 50:20: “As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today.”

II Peter 3:9: “The Lord is not slow to fulfill His promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance.”

Growing up in my dysfunctional family, which included neglect and sexual, physical, and verbal abuse, did not equip me to care for or respect myself as I grew in the way God intended for me. I spent many years allowing others, especially men, to use and take advantage of me for sexual purposes. Au moment où j'étais 15, I was deeply wounded and hurting. My way of coping was to act out in self-destructive ways. As I mentioned earlier, I allowed others to use me. I also drank daily and experimented with most drugs, including mind-altering substances.

I had no hope that anything in my life would improve but that it would just continue to get worse until I died. I was so angry at the way I had been treated by my father and brothers but didn’t understand how to break out of this pattern of destructive behavior.

At the age of 24, I slept with a man whom I hardly knew. En fait, I couldn’t even tell you his name. All I know was that he said all the right things that my heart longed to hear: that he cared for me, really wanted to be with me, and made me feel special, even if it was just for a brief time. He kept insisting that we have sex, and I resisted at first but then gave in when he said he had a vasectomy, since that meant he could not get me pregnant.

I was desperate for this man’s attention but certainly didn’t want to have a baby with him! But like most of the men I opened my life up to, he had lied to me and much to my dismay, I became pregnant. I was devastated and felt a sense of desperation as to how I would “fix” this predicament I was in. Of course, the guy who said he cared so much about me left the scene as soon as he got what he wanted.

I confided in a friend that had introduced me to him. I remember that she had a 9-year-old daughter and no husband, and it was clear that she resented her daughter greatly by the way she treated her. She told me to “Get rid of it; you don’t want a kid!” All I could think about was how I didn’t want to end up like this woman, mistreating my own child! Alors, against my better judgement and my conscience that told me “NO, this is wrong,” I chose to abort the only child I would ever conceive.

I cried every night when no one was around to see my pain. I cried for myself because of how empty this act made me feel, but mostly for this innocent child whose life I had taken so violently. I cried unconsolably, every night for months. Not knowing my Lord Jesus Christ at that time, I had no one to turn to for forgiveness and healing. As I look back on this desperate act of selfishness, I realize this was the final self-destructive thing that drove me into the arms of God! I just couldn’t live with the emptiness and pain anymore. Nine months after my abortion, J'ai abandonné ma vie à Jésus, asked forgiveness for my sins, and began to walk in the newness of life that He offers to all who come to Him in humility.

I want to read a section of the letter to the baby I named Gabriella, which means “God is My Strength”:

Although your earthly life was so short, you impacted mine for eternity because precisely nine months after I allowed that abortion clinic to strip you away from my womb, je suis né de nouveau! And on that amazing day, my heart, soul, and spirit were transformed from darkness and condemnation into the forgiving and precious light of Jesus Christ and His Holy Spirit! God took our pain and ashes and turned them into eternal beauty!

I am pouring much of my life into other women who have experienced the pain and grief of abortion by helping them to acknowledge and heal from this event. I love you with all my heart, my precious little one, and I will see you soon!

Your forgiven Mom

 

What purpose did your unborn child serve in your life?

 

Did it move you towards God or away from Him?

 

Additional portions of letters to the unborn:

Bien-aimé, God knows your life was not a mistake. Your life spurred me to a deeper faith and a passion for Christ. God showed me grace, love, and healing in ways that I can’t describe. He used all these things for good (Rom 8:28). Your life allowed me to defend the defenseless, to value life in the womb, and to have compassion for the hurting moms who fell into the same trap as I did. God numbers our days and although yours were few, they continue to fuel my passion.

I, your mother, hold you in my arms today in a way I could not 10 years ago because I feared to look into your eyes and to hear God's voice speak through the gentle grasp of your fingers saying "choose life.” In the light of my mind, I now behold you, my first child—the first of three girls. Do you know that you have two sisters? Do you know that your life has given great meaning to their lives? Because of you, I cherish the very breath of life God has gifted me and those whom I hold close to my heart.

As I embrace you today and always, I let go of shame, culpabilité, humiliation, rejection, abandon, pride, and pain. I reject the lies that once kept your memory hidden in darkness far from the light of truth. My love, my beautiful baby girl, you were never forgotten.

Heaven has documented each moment of your existence in the book of life. À présent, it is time for me to write your page into the story of my life.

In the years to come, when we find ourselves reunited in the spirit, I will delight in the unfolding of your unique personality woven together with the experience of your brief, yet significant life. For now, sweetheart, I entrust your care and protection to the Father, whose plans for you are greater than either you or I can imagine.

I named you Joseph because what the enemy meant for evil, God turned around for my good and for His glory. He exchanged my ashes into something beautiful. Joseph, you inspired a ministry called My Ashes to Beauty to help other moms heal from their past abortions.

 

Bénédictions,

Lumières

 

 

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Bondage familier

Bondage familier

I would rather go back to what is familiar, even if it is bondage…

Exodus 16:1-4a and John 3:16,

And they took their journey from Elim, and all the congregation of the children of Israel came unto the wilderness of Sin, which is between Elim and Sinai, on the fifteenth day of the second month after their departing out of Egypt. And the whole congregation of Israel murmured against Moses and Aaron in the wilderness: And the children of Israel said to them, “Oh that we had died by the hand of the Lord in the land of Egypt, when we sat by the pots of meat and when we ate bread to the full! For you have brought us out into the wilderness to kill this whole assembly with hunger.” Then the Lord said to Moses, “Behold I will rain bread from heaven for you….”

When the trials of the children of Israel were too hard for them to bear, they wanted to go back to what was familiar: bondage in Egypt. They wanted to be in control; they felt safe knowing what to expect.

How many of us can relate to wanting to go back to the dysfunctional relationships or sins of our past because there is comfort in knowing what to expect? Change is hard because it’s unfamiliar, and there is no safety or comfort in it. But God doesn’t want us to stay in our dysfunction. He wants us healed. He came to set us free from our bondage to sin. He wants us to trust Him completely with every area of our lives.

God provided the children of Israel with bread that literally dropped out of the sky. He called it Manna, “Bread from Heaven.” If God did that for them, don’t you think He can help you too? I think the answer is Yes!!!

What is the spiritual factor to consider when I want to be in control, instead of God being in control?

I am saying to God, “I don’t trust You. I don’t believe You are good. I don’t believe You care about me.”

Alors, what is the sin I am committing when I don’t trust God? The sin of unbelief.

Definition of faith in Hebrews 11:1 et 11:6: Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen. But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.

Laisse-moi te demander, what are you still trying to control and refuse to release into God’s hands?

I learned at a very young age to take control of every area of my life; that, unfortunately, was not a good thing. A 12-year-old is not mature enough to take on such a responsibility. I controlled my voice but I did not use it. I controlled how I performed in school, sports, and in anything I set my mind to do by practicing until I could do something perfectly. When I was older, I controlled my weight by taking speed and diet pills and exercising excessively. I controlled what others perceived about me by wearing a mask to hide my true feelings and identity. It wasn’t until I felt safe to let God in that I was able to relinquish control to Him. By spending time in His Word, I began to understand the heart of God and discovered how much He loves us and wants us to be set free from our pasts, so we can live the abundant lives He came to give us. It’s by relinquishing control to God that we are set free. There is beauty in surrender.

Why are you not trusting God to help you in this area? What are you afraid of?

Relinquishing control was not a comfortable thing for me because I didn’t trust others not to hurt me. I became very self-sufficient and proficient in all I did. I had a huge wall around my heart that no one was going to penetrate, not even God. I grew up with a distorted view of God. I thought He was angry with me and would punish me if I was out of line, which is what I heard and saw as a child. Church was dark; people there spoke in another language, and the atmosphere was not warm and welcoming. So I associated these attributes with God. I felt He was dark, harsh, and unloving, which could not be further from the truth. I was fearful about trusting God because I was afraid of being hurt again. I didn’t know God’s heart toward me. When I got saved in 1994 and came across this verse from John 3:16, “For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life,” I started believing that God does love me. And once I received His love into my heart and believed that He died for me on the cross, I started trusting Him more with my heart. But it was a long process. I am so grateful today for His love. That truth changed my life forever.

I had everything under control, so I thought, until my life and health started spiraling out of control. I couldn’t afford stuff anymore and my health was failing, my marriage was on the brink of divorce, and I didn’t know what to do. I was plagued with suicidal thoughts because I just couldn’t deal with my depression and self-loathing anymore, due to the sins from my past. This was not a life; it was a prison. I was just surviving because I needed someone to take my pain away, someone I could trust to love and accept me for who I was. Did such a person exist?

Très Cher,

I want you to know that there is such a person who loves and accepts you for who you are. His name is Jesus, and He is the only one who will love you right where you are. He will never hurt you or force you to do something against your will. He is kind, affectueux, dependable, faithful, merciful, and forgiving. Jesus is your Savior and friend. Why not relinquish control of your life to God? Franchement, what do you have to lose at this point?

Tu es aimé,

Toni

 

What is the spiritual factor to consider when I want to be in control instead of God being in control?

I am saying to God, “I don’t trust You (Dieu). I don’t believe You (He) are good. I don’t believe You care about me.” So, what is the sin I am committing when I don’t trust God? The sin of unbelief.

Definition of faith in Hebrews 11:1 et 11:6: Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen. But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.

 

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Mes mécanismes d'adaptation malsains

Mes mécanismes d'adaptation malsains

Les mécanismes d'adaptation sont définis comme des techniques que nous utilisons pour nous aider à gérer le stress et la douleur dans notre vie.. Les mécanismes d'adaptation courants sont évitement et isolement, le déni, activité, rationalisation et contrôle. De mon enfance, J'ai appris évitement et isolement pour me protéger des personnes ou des situations malsaines. Courir et me cacher sont devenus ma réaction habituelle face aux problèmes lorsque j'étais petit enfant.. À l'âge adulte, J'ai continué à utiliser ces tactiques jusqu'à ce que je commence mon parcours de rétablissement et que j'apprenne de nouveaux mécanismes d'adaptation sains.. Louons Dieu! Au lieu d'éviter, Dieu m'a donné une voix, et j'ai appris à communiquer mes goûts et mes dégoûts. Je n'ai jamais développé une voix en grandissant. toutefois, une fois que j'ai mis des limites, utiliser ma voix était nécessaire pour communiquer ces limites aux autres. Au fur et à mesure que le temps passait, Je me sentais plus à l'aise de partager mon cœur avec les autres sans craindre le rejet. Dieu m'a aussi dit d'arrêter de courir et de me cacher et de lui laisser le résultat..

J'avais d'énormes angles morts en tant que femme après un avortement en ce qui concerne mon rôle parental. Concernant mes enfants, Je suis devenu extrêmement sensible et surprotecteur. J'ai été parent par peur. Je ne voulais pas qu'ils ressentent la douleur que j'avais ressentie. Je pensais que si je pouvais les contrôler, peut-être que je pourrais les empêcher de vivre ce que j'ai fait. À présent, Je sais que c'était une erreur de penser. j'étais dedans le déni jusqu'à ce que je réalise deux choses: Je ne peux pas contrôler une autre personne, et faire quoi que ce soit par peur ne donne jamais de bons résultats. Alors, J'ai appris à m'excuser auprès de mes enfants pour ma parentalité surprotectrice, laissant Dieu tout-puissant changer le cœur des autres.. Quand je me sens impuissant, Je me souviens d'abandonner le contrôle à Dieu pour créer un changement chez les autres ou dans les situations. Je vivais dans le déni à cause de ma peur du rejet de mes parents et de mon conjoint.. Par conséquent, J'ai obéi à des règles ridicules pour être accepté et aimé des autres. Honnêtement, ça n'a jamais fonctionné. Quand j'ai finalement reçu l'amour de Jésus dans mon cœur, J'ai eu le courage de me débrouiller seule sans craindre d'être rejetée parce que je savais que Dieu ne me quitterait jamais ni ne m'abandonnerait..

Occupé C'était un outil que l'ennemi a utilisé pendant de nombreuses années pour que je n'aie pas le temps de reconnaître ma vie dysfonctionnelle et de travailler sur moi-même.. Dans l'année 2010, Dieu m'a dit d'arrêter de servir. Je ne pouvais pas croire qu'il voulait que je fasse ça. Que penseront les autres? Poser cette question m'a conduit directement à la réponse :tu dois travailler sur toi parce que tu es un chiot malade. J'ai répondu par obéissance et j'ai pris le temps de travailler sur ma propre guérison 2010-2012. Pendant ce temps, Dieu m'a emmené dans un endroit désert avec Lui afin qu'Il puisse dissiper tous les mensonges auxquels j'avais cru. En se concentrant sur Sa vérité, Je pourrais être guéri et enfin libéré. Bien que Dieu m'ait appelé à ce ministère en 2006, Il a finalement pu m'équiper une fois que j'ai ralenti et que je me suis concentré uniquement sur Lui..

j'avais rationalisé mon avortement parce que je croyais que puisque je prenais tellement de drogues lourdes et que je buvais en fumant 2 paquets de cigarettes par jour, mon bébé serait gravement déformé. Je sentais que mes parents me rejetteraient et seraient extrêmement déçus de moi. Mais en y repensant 40 années, J'aurais aimé avoir le courage de leur dire que j'ai fait une erreur et de leur demander de l'aide. Je ne peux pas changer mon passé. Tout ce que je peux faire, c'est en tirer des leçons et partager mon expérience, force et espoir avec les autres. Avec un peu de chance, ceux que je contacte avec mon témoignage peuvent faire des choix sains en connaissant toutes les informations à l'avance.

Contrôle était un autre outil que j'ai appris à utiliser très jeune. Je croyais honnêtement que je pouvais contrôler ce que ressentaient les autres et ce qu'ils pensaient afin de déterminer l'issue d'une situation.. Tout cela n'était qu'un mensonge. Je n'avais aucun contrôle sur aucune de ces choses. J'ai essayé de contrôler la façon dont les gens réagissaient et se comportaient envers moi. J'ai essayé de contrôler ce que les autres voyaient en moi en me cachant derrière un masque. J'ai également essayé de contrôler mon poids en prenant des pilules amaigrissantes et des pilules amaigrissantes et en me purgeant après avoir trop mangé.. Dieu m'a montré qu'en lui cédant le contrôle, Je peux être libéré de ces obsessions et de cet esclavage.

Je suis tellement reconnaissante d'avoir aujourd'hui été libérée de tous mes mécanismes d'adaptation malsains.. J'ai acquis de nouvelles compétences pour m'aider à faire face à la douleur et aux traumatismes de mon passé. J'ai dû complètement abandonner tout et tout le monde à Dieu. Je ne tenais plus si fort mes enfants. Je ne me souciais plus de ce que les autres pensaient de moi. Je n'ai pas obéi à des règles ridicules par peur d'être rejeté. J'avais maintenant une voix, et Dieu m'a appris à l'utiliser pour exprimer mes sentiments de manière saine., voie divine. Je ne suis plus esclave de mes anciennes pensées et de mes anciens comportements.. Dans les Romains 12:2, la Bible dit : « Ne vous conformez pas à ce monde mais laissez-vous transformer par le renouvellement de votre esprit… » Le temps quotidien passé avec Dieu dans sa Parole et l'écoute du Saint-Esprit m'ont aidé à sortir du chaos., dysfonctionnement et de la misère dans un monde paisible, une vie ordonnée et épanouissante.

Quelles choses malsaines avez-vous utilisées pour vous aider à faire face au traumatisme de votre passé?

Quelles sont les façons saines dont vous faites face aux choses maintenant?

Contactez-nous et obtenez l'aide et les encouragements dont vous avez besoin. Nous sommes ici prêts et attendant de vous servir et de vous aider à devenir la femme pour laquelle Dieu vous a créé..

Bénédictions,

Toni

 

 

 

—Toni

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Fuir Dieu

Fuir Dieu

 

Jonah, Chapters 1 & 2

When Jonah decided to go against God’s plan for him, he took a ship to Tarshish, in the opposite direction from Nineveh, to flee from the presence of God. God continued to pursue Jonah, but it was impossible for Jonah to get away from God.

God sent a great wind and a mighty tempest so that the ship was almost broken (Jonah 1:4). Even the mariners, men who were used to the sea and storms, were afraid, but they knew this one was different. Jonah tells the mariners that he is a Hebrew and that he fears the Lord, the God of heaven, and he tells them to throw him overboard so that the sea would become calm (Jonah 1:8-12). The mariners were exceedingly fearful, but God, in His mercy, prepared a great fish to swallow up Jonah, and he stayed in the belly of the fish for 3 days and 3 nights. God had to isolate Jonah to get his attention and finally, he cried out to God (Jonah 2). God rescued him and Jonah did go to Nineveh, and all were saved.

When I think back on my abortion, I see that I too was fleeing from God. I isolated myself from Him and my family. I allowed the enemy to lie to me and tell me, “Your parents will never accept you and the baby; it’s a big mistake. Take care of it now before anyone finds out.”

God had pursued me also and gave me a way to escape. The first time I went for my abortion, I was partying the night before. I was hung over and needed food, so I stopped at a place to eat on the way to the clinic. But when I got to the clinic, they said I could not have the abortion because I ate. When I think back to that day, I drove myself and I was all alone. What was I thinking? That’s the point; I wasn’t thinking clearly, at all. Whenever I have made decisions based on fear, they have never been good ones. But I didn’t allow this bump in the road to stop me from having the abortion. I bought into the lie that my child would be deformed because of my heavy drinking and drug usage. This was something I had to do; I didn’t see any other options.

I made another appointment, and that time, I did follow through with it. To this day, I wish I had not done it. But I cannot change my past. I had my abortion on December 10, 1980, and at that moment everything changed. My heart was broken, my body was broken, and my spirit was broken. It was the worst decision I had ever made in my life. My heart goes out to you precious sisters who were forced by someone else to have an abortion against your will.

I struggled with depression, crying episodes, feelings of isolation, and loneliness. I continued with the drinking and drugs, and thoughts of suicide started entering my mind. I just wanted the pain to go away. Then one glorious day, I heard the gospel for the first time on January 2, 1994 and in 4 semaines, I had given my heart to the Lord and asked Him to forgive all my sins and to heal my broken heart. From that moment forward, I would never have to feel alone again. I have a Savior who will never leave me nor forsake me. Merci, Jésus.

God has a beautiful plan and purpose for your life too. In Jeremiah 29:11, “FOR I KNOW THE THOUGHTS I HAVE FOR YOU, SAYS THE LORD, THOUGHTS OF PEACE AND NOT OF EVIL, TO GIVE YOU A FUTURE AND A HOPE.” God can turn the darkest times in your life into something beautiful for His honor and glory.

“Running to God instead of away from God in the midst of suffering is not a natural response. It is the supernatural response that God equips His children with as we stare grief, uncertainty, peur, and sometimes Satan himself in the face.” Taken from the devotional, Pray BIG Things, by Julia Jeffress Sadler, LPC, on the You Version Bible App.

When have you run away from God?

Have you run to other things to help you cope with your past trauma instead of trusting God with it? What were those things for you?

Are you still running now?

I pray that you will know how much you are loved by God and that He has a beautiful plan for your life, but you need to trust Him.

I pray you trust Him today.

Tu es aimé,
TONI

 

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