Mi máscara de perfección

Mi máscara de perfección

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From the time I was a small child, I did not use my voice and hid in the background to keep under the radar. Como resultado, I became what people wanted me to be. I was labeled, “The good, quiet one.” I was fearful of rejection, so I became a people pleaser. I believed the lie that if I were perfect, I would be loved. That’s when I started wearing a mask.

My need for love and acceptance caused me to hide parts of myself. I only showed the good sides so people would love me. Luego, when I was 12 años, I started sneaking whiskey from my parents’ liquor cabinet. Ahora, I was really hiding. I didn’t want my parents to find out. They were very strict with me being the oldest, and I didn’t want them to be angry or disappointed in me.

As I got older, my sins were more and more grievous, and my secrets became bigger and bigger. Entonces, I isolated even more and hid everything. My mask morphed as I got older. As a child, I strived for perfection. I was a good student, good athlete, and an all-around good child. When that wasn’t working, I tapped into a lifestyle of alcohol, drugs and sex. When I was home, I was still the good one. But in high school, I was hanging out with those who smoked and did drugs.

At this point, people pleasing ruled my life. All I strove for were accolades from others and a place I could fit in and feel safe. But I would not find that for a long time. Honestly, I lost my own identity because I wanted to fit in with others. I no longer knew what I liked or what I wanted to do because I became a chameleon and changed depending upon the group I was with. I had lost my own identity striving to please others.

I felt unloved and lost. My drinking and drug use were out of control. I was a walking time bomb. I hated myself and felt so depressed. I struggled with keeping it all together. When I found out I was pregnant as a 21-year-old college student, I panicked. This pregnancy did not fit the narrative I was allowing my parents to see. I was not the good, una tranquila. I was doing very ungodly, sinful destructive things, and now I was going to terminate my baby’s life.

How did I end up here? My whole life was a lie. I will have an abortion and act as if everything was fine. But everything wasn’t fine. After this traumatic event, I was more depressed than before, crying all the time and drinking more. My self-loathing and suicidal thoughts were now continually plaguing me. I just wanted to die so this torment would stop. It was too hard to keep up this façade. Slowly my mask was cracking, and I was so afraid of being exposed. All my sins and lies would come flooding out. I was scared.

In my early 30’s I had a physical and emotional break down. I could not function normally at all. I would lay on the couch for weeks at a time. All the years of stuffing and lying and all the pain I had been holding in all my life were starting to come out sideways. I was a walking volcano, spilling hot ash on anyone who got in my way. I was extremely emotional. I felt I could not look anyone in the eyes because if I did, I would not be able to stop crying.

Slowly I started recognizing I needed help. I needed someone who would love me, accept me, and heal me. I needed a Savior. Then on January 2, 1994, Escuché el evangelio por primera vez. Within 4 weeks I gave my heart to Jesus, confessed my sins, turned from my old ways and turned toward God. I am coming up on the 26th anniversary of my salvation, and it is still the sweetest day of my life. It is the day I finally surrendered my life to God and allowed Him to heal my broken body, my broken heart and my broken mind. He transformed me into the woman He created me to be: a loving, confident woman filled with joy and peace. I have been adopted into the family of God; Soy aceptado, and I am finally loved. I feel safe to be me. I can take the mask off now because I am finally home.

Are you wearing a mask?

What does your mask look like?

Do you have the courage to take off the mask and be real?

I pray that as God heals you, you will be filled with His love and you will have the courage to take off your mask.

Bendiciones,

Toni

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Las piedras conmemorativas: Recordando lo que Dios ha hecho

Las piedras conmemorativas: Recordando lo que Dios ha hecho

Vemos varias veces en las Escrituras que Dios ordenó a los hijos de Israel que establecieran un monumento en memoria de lo que había hecho por ellos.. Estos memoriales debían compartirse con las generaciones futuras para que pudieran ver lo que Dios había hecho por ellos.. Creo que es importante para nosotros mirar atrás también, para ver de dónde venimos y recordar lo que el Señor ha hecho por nosotros.

Piense en un tiempo antes de conocer al Señor. Cuando caminabas en el camino de este mundo y vivías tu vida para ti y tus propios deseos egoístas..

¿Cómo era tu vida antes de Cristo?? Cuénteles a los demás las cosas maravillosas y asombrosas que Dios ha hecho por usted.. Hay poder en tu testimonio. Oro para que Dios te guíe a compartir esto con los demás..

Cuando yo estaba 12 años, Decidí el, La persona de "buena tranquilidad" no me funcionaba. No estaba recibiendo la atención que anhelaba. Entonces, Decidí tomar otro camino, uno que conduciría al autodesprecio, adiccion, y destrucción. Estaba cegado e inconsciente del mal que me haría a mí mismo y a los demás.. Mis elecciones destructivas malsanas solo se intensificarían con la edad y se volverían cada vez más penosas a medida que me sumergía de lleno en el consumo de drogas y alcohol., promiscuidad, de fumar, y finalmente un aborto.

Solo queria ser amado, pero en cambio fui usado y abusado e hice lo mismo con los demás. Continuaría en este camino autodestructivo hasta que estuviera 34 años. Luego, un dia de enero 1994 en una pequeña iglesia bautista, Escuché el evangelio por primera vez: Jesús nació de una virgen, vivió una vida sin pecado, fue crucificado en la cruz por mis pecados y los pecados del mundo entero, fue sepultado y resucitó al tercer día y ascendió al cielo y ahora está sentado a la diestra del Padre. Fue su amor por mí y por ti lo que lo mantuvo clavado en esa cruz. (1 Corintios 15:3-6, Hechos 1:9, Romanos 8:34)

No merezco su amor, pero es el regalo más dulce que me han dado. He sido perdonado de mi deuda por el pecado y he sido liberado para vivir la vida que Él me creó para vivir.. Me siento tan humilde y agradecida con Jesús por su trabajo y por mi relación con él.. Soy una nueva creación en cristo; las cosas viejas pasaron, Mirad, lo nuevo ha llegado. (2 Corintios 5:17) Tengo una nueva vida, un nuevo propósito, y un canto nuevo en mi corazón gracias a Jesús.

Joshua 4:1-7

“Y sucedió, cuando toda la gente había cruzado completamente el Jordán, que el Señor le habló a Josué, diciendo: “Tomen para ustedes doce hombres del pueblo, un hombre de cada tribu, y ordenarles, diciendo, "Tomen para ustedes doce piedras de aquí, de en medio del Jordán, del lugar donde los pies de los sacerdotes estaban firmes. Los llevarás contigo y los dejarás en el lugar de alojamiento donde te alojes esta noche. ”Entonces Josué llamó a los doce hombres que había designado de entre los hijos de Israel., un hombre de cada tribu; y Joshua les dijo: “Pasa delante del arca del Señor tu Dios al medio del Jordán, y cada uno toma una piedra en su hombro, según el número de las tribus de los hijos de Israel, que esto pueda ser una señal entre ustedes cuando sus hijos pregunten en el futuro, diciendo, "¿Qué significan estas piedras para ti??Entonces les responderás que las aguas del Jordán fueron cortadas delante del arca del pacto del Señor.; cuando cruzó el Jordán, las aguas del Jordán fueron cortadas. Y estas piedras serán en memoria de los hijos de Israel para siempre ”.

En su amor y servicio,

—Toni

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Se necesita valor para ser sanado

Se necesita valor para ser sanado

John 8:1-11, Romanos 3:23, John 13:34-35, and Joshua 1:9

Why do only a few women come forward for abortion recovery healing? The statistics tell us 4 out of 10 women sitting in our churches have had at least one abortion between the ages of 18-45? What is keeping them silent? En 2015, Care Net and Lifeway Research conducted a study on abortion in the church. Their research found that fear of condemnation and judgment, were the most cited reasons why women remained silent regarding their unexpected pregnancy or abortion. That is so wrong, and I repent of that sin right now. Caballero, if I have not been loving or supportive of another in my past, I pray you forgive me.

I saw this type of judgement on the faces of other believers when I shared my abortion and announced my calling to this ministry. The look of, “How could you!” was very obvious. I immediately thought of the verse in John 8, “You who are without sin cast the first stone.” I know my sin of abortion is very grievous, but in God’s eyes all sin is destructive and we are to show grace towards others just as God through Christ showed us grace and mercy. “For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God.” (Romanos 3:23)

When I think about the judgment of others, especially those in the church, I think of the story in the Bible about the woman who was caught in adultery and brought before Jesus. En John 8:1-11, we read that religious leaders brought this woman before Jesus and told Him to condemn her because she was caught in the very act. Where was the man she was committing adultery with? He was nowhere to be found, was she alone caught in the act? The religious leaders threw her at Jesus’ feet for Him to condemn her publicly. I love Jesus’ words here, “He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.” Then slowly, from the oldest to the youngest, they walked away feeling convicted in their own hearts. Then Jesus says to her, “Woman, where are those accusers of yours? Has no one condemned you?" She said, “No one, Lord.” And Jesus said to her, “Neither do I condemn you; go y sin no more.”

The church is supposed to be the very place people can go to receive help, love, compassion, and care, not condemnation, judgment, and a cold shoulder. We, the Church, are called to minister to all people. God is not a respecter of persons (preferring one over another), por lo tanto, we shouldn’t be either. God commands us to love one another. En John 13: 34-35, “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; as I have loved you, that you also love one another. By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.”

I thank God for each and every one of you who are reading this blog. I know how much courage it takes to step out of the darkness and face the fear of judgment and condemnation in order to be healed by Jesus. I am reminded of God’s words to Joshua when he took over leading the children of Israel for Moses. En Joshua 1: 9, God said, “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Caballero your God is with you wherever you go.”

God is with you dear one. Would you trust Him today to lead you into a deeper relationship with Him so He can heal you? He is waiting for you to step out of the darkness into His glorious, healing light. You will not regret this decision.

Bendiciones,

Toni

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Gracias Señor, por el don del perdón

Gracias Señor, por el don del perdón

Forgiveness

Titus 1:2, Salmo 103:12, John 3:16

For almost a year after my salvation in February 1994, I struggled to believe that God would forgive my sin of abortion. The enemy lied to me and whispered in my ear, “God is not going to forgive you for this horrible thing you did. You are not worthy to be loved by anyone, especially God. De hecho, you deserve to be abused for what you did.” These lies tormented me and I felt compelled to somehow make penance for my sins. Coming from a works-based religion, I thought perhaps I could do something to earn forgiveness from God. Was there something else I needed to do? Was there some sacrifice I could make to earn His forgiveness? Was I a person of value in His eyes, that He would forgive and redeem me?

One day I heard preaching on the radio and the pastor said, “If I don’t believe God can forgive sin, then I am calling God a liar”. I knew God wasn’t a liar (Titus 1:2 In hope of eternal life which God, who cannot lie, promised before time began). Entonces, slowly I started to believe in my heart that I was forgiven. Sin embargo, it took almost a decade for that truth to finally take root in my heart, and I knew I was truly forgiven by God.

Forgiveness cannot be earned; it is a gift. Because of Jesus’ death on the cross, I now have access to the Father. But first, I had to humble myself before Him, confess my sins and repent. I had to turn away from my old life and turn toward God.

Salvation truly is a miracle. I was plucked out of the world, adopted and placed into the family of God. This was only possible through the shed blood of Christ, the sinless Lamb of God, when He died on the cross for my sins and the sins of the whole world. All my sins were nailed to that cross when Jesus took my place. He was my substitute; He took my sins upon Himself so that I could be made righteous before God.

When God looks upon me, all He sees is Christ’s righteousness (Salmo 103:12 As far as the east is from the west, so far hath He removed our transgressions from us). God does not remember my sins anymore. I have been forgiven, redeemed, and adopted by God through Christ’s sacrifice on the cross. It is the most beautiful gesture that anyone has ever done for me. I am so grateful to God for having mercy upon me and saving me.

John 3:16 For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.

Have you asked God to forgive your sins?

Have you received the gift of salvation?

Have you asked God to forgive your past abortion?

If not, please do not wait one more second. Come to God and confess your sins. He is patently waiting for you. Cry out to God today and receive the gift of forgiveness.

Please let us know if you have turned from your sins and turned to God so we can celebrate with you and disciple you on your spiritual journey.

Dios lo bendiga.

—Toni

 

Further reading on this subject:

¿Por qué el perdón es tan importante para nuestro bienestar??

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¿Por qué el perdón es tan importante para nuestro bienestar?

¿Por qué el perdón es tan importante para nuestro bienestar?

mateo 6:14-15, Hebreos 12:14-15, Proverbios 16:24 y 17:22

God commands us to forgive others. In Matthew 6:14-15 Jesus says, “For if you forgive men their trespasses, your Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.”

Unforgiveness toward another person is a sin and separates us from God. If God can forgive me of all the evil I have done, how can I not forgive others? When we are in sin, we give the enemy a foothold. To prevent the enemy from gaining this access to our lives and tormenting us, we must confess our sins. If I hold onto unforgiveness, I become resentful, and then eventually bitter. Hebreos 12:14-15 says, “Pursue peace with all people, and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord: looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled…”

Unforgiveness left unchecked will defile all my relationships including and especially, my relationship with God. By releasing an individual into God’s hands for the offense they have committed against me or my family, I am handing them over to God for Him to deal with them. I then pray for that individual, continually asking the Lord to help me see the good in them and to help me forgive them. Forgiveness is a process. Keep asking God to help you forgive others.

In my family of origin, forgiveness was not demonstrated. En cambio, we would just cut people off. For many years I didn’t see my cousins from my father’s side of the family because of some dispute. I picked up on that as a child and learned it as normal behavior. There is no grace and no forgiveness, only harsh words, actions and broken families. My family doesn’t apologize for things. They simply avoid bringing these things up for discussion, leaving the issues unresolved. Con el tiempo, I am supposed to forget about the offence because people will never apologize. Sin embargo, I am a believer and am held to a higher standard; I am commanded to forgive others. I must obey God. He knows what is best for me. Holding onto unforgiveness destroys my peace; it controls me and torments me. On the other hand, when I forgive someone, they no longer have power over me and I am set free.

The Bible says that our words should be life affirming and encouraging to the hearer. Proverbios 16:24 says, “Pleasant words are as a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the bones.” In Proverbs 17:22 we read, “A merry heart does good, like medicine, but a broken spirit dries the bones.” We represent God to a world sitting in darkness and torment. The world does not know what the truth is; it is deceived by the evil one.

The people I need to forgive who were involved in my abortion decision:

  • The nurses and doctor for performing my abortion
  • Law makers for making abortion legal
  • My boyfriend for not fighting for our baby
  • Myself for thinking it was ok to tell my boyfriend we didn’t need birth control

Who do you need to forgive?

Forgiveness leads to freedom. It sets me free from holding others responsible for the wrongs they have done. By releasing them to God, they no longer have power over me. I choose to let go and to forgive them. This is not always easy, but it is critically important for my peace with God and others.

—Toni

Further reading on this topic:

Forgiveness

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