De la honte à la victoire (Partie 4): La maltraitance s'est intensifiée à l'âge adulte

Rhonda’s Story

Life carried on, I graduated high school and went to college. After I graduated, I met a man that I thought I was so in love with. He made me feel special, wanted, loved and beautiful. He seemed to be everything I had been looking for in a man. We got engaged after a short courtship and a year later we got married. Very shortly after that his demeanor changed. He started acting jealous, trying to control what I wore and getting in between my relationships with friends and family.

I don’t remember the first time he beat me; I just remember it didn’t stop after that. Every day he would get upset about something and beat me. He was a tall man and would grab me by my throat hold me off the ground until I passed out while punching me in the head. In the beginning, I would run into the bathroom and lock the door and hide in the shower. But he kicked the door open, and beat me in the shower. He then removed the bathroom door so I couldn’t hide in there again.

I remember running out of the of the house one freezing winter night in just my clothes and socks. It was so cold outside but I didn’t care! I ran and ran until I found a building to hide behind. I sat behind an Arby’s restaurant shaking and crying, thinking about what to do, who to call. Since I had cut off all ties with friends and family, there was no one. As I sat there shaking and crying, I realized I had no place to go so I got up and walked back to the house. He beat me and raped me that night, telling me it was my fault and that I made him do it.

The beatings and rapes continued until one night I stood chopping carrots in the kitchen getting dinner ready and he walked in. He was in a bad mood. I knew what was coming as his voice started escalating. I remember thinking what kind of life is this? I wanted to get married, be loved, have kids and a beautiful home. But here I was. I remember thinking, I would rather spend the rest of my life in jail for murder than live like this. It was like I had left my body and I was watching in slow motion; I took the knife I had in my hand raised my arm and spun around. I screamed at him ready to stab him and something stopped me, I came back to reality thinking I had just stabbed him, but something stopped me. I saw fear in his eyes for the first time. He never touched me again and it wasn’t long after that I left for good.

Partie 5 Cliquez ici.

 

Ma vie serait à jamais changée (Partie 4): Tourmenté par la honte et la culpabilité

April’s Story

Then I met the love of my life. That’s what I thought at 15 ans. And by age 16, I was pregnant. I wondered what I had gotten myself into; what was I going to do? I thought the only option was to have an abortion. À l'époque, my parents had taken in a single mother who funded my abortion. She thought it was ok because she had done it several times herself. I didn’t tell my parents about it. But recently told them. So here I was, broken from the kidnap and rape and now with child that was going to be aborted. I had the abortion and I cried for days. Not because I just took a life but because I was in pain. I had already been through so much pain, and this was just another thing to cover up. I put on my smiley face and tried to hide but deep down inside I was crying out for help but didn’t know who to turn to. The guilt was so heavy on my heart.

A year later I started to date another guy who was a virgin but I no longer was. I didn’t care that I stole his virginity. It’s like I ripped his innocence from him at his will. Shame and guilt were consuming me. I continued building on my guilt and shame. I wondered if this was ever going to end! I spent many nights partying and although there was lots of alcohol, I barely ever drank; the only drug I tried and didn’t like was marijuana.

I started driving to bars and modeling lingerie, bringing home a lot of cash. It was all about the money. I didn’t care that I was selling my body. Lingerie modeling lead to stripping. I found myself in a very vulnerable place. I was stripping in clubs, making twice as much as lingerie modeling. I thought I was living the life but there was the ever-growing guilt and shame that haunted me. I never had sexual relations with any man in the strip clubs. I never did drugs or drank when there. I longed for someone to pay attention to me. I didn’t know any other way. I watched women sell themselves to pay for their children to go to school and at the time I didn’t think about it that much; it’s sad to me now, what they were doing and their children probably knew. This was the only way to make thousands of dollars. Guilt and Shame were always with me. God was calling me but I wasn’t listening. I would go to nightclubs and enter bikini contests and win and thought it was so cool. But I was just selling my soul for acceptance.

PART 5 Cliquez ici.