La rage incontrôlable en moi (Partie 1)

La rage incontrôlable en moi (Partie 1)

La rage incontrôlable en moi (Partie 1)

par Toni Weisz/Abuse Recovery

Scriptures: Ecclesiastes 7:9 et Psaume 4:4

Ecclesiastes 7:9 Be not quick in your spirit to become angry, for anger lodges in the heart of fools. (ESV)

Psaume 4:4 Be angry, and do not sin. Mediate within your heart on your bed, and be still. (ESV)

My home of origin was chaotic and unsafe emotionally. From the time I was a small child, I did not have a voice and hid in the background to keep under the radar. My father was so stressed from his family business that he was always at the boiling point with his temper. I describe him as a rageaholic. He could not control his rage; it controlled him. Par conséquent, my mom frantically tried to control his temper by forcing us kids to be quiet and compliant so as not to make him angry. She was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis at 23 ans. My mom was not equipped to deal with my father’s anger. When the three of us would misbehave, she would react in unhealthy ways. It was a very unpredictable place for a child.

I made decisions that were very unhealthy because I had no one else to turn to. My mom was so busy running around putting out fires, soshe didn’t see that I was struggling. My dad was so exhausted from running the family business, which was very demanding emotionally and physically. As a 12-year-old, I was isolated physically and emotionally, and that’s when the devil entered the picture. I started drinking Scotch whiskey from my parent’s liquor cabinet at 12 ans, using drugs at 13, having sex at 16, and having my abortion at 21.

When I think back on that time, I am so sad for the little girl who just wanted to be loved and cherished but didn’t experience that. Everyone was caught up in their own stuff, and they were not able to clearly see what was going on in our family. But the devil saw it; and man did he have a field day. A special note: I know my parents loved me and did the best they could with what they had.

I learned to wear a mask, hiding my feelings and stuffing them. This stuffing would eventually come out, but it was destructive and harmful. When I was a teenager in college and would get intoxicated, I would try to hurt myself by kicking in my dorm room window and punching doors and walls. I was filled with so much hatred towards myself, and I didn’t know where it was coming from or how to control it. Now looking back, I was angry that I did not receive the love I needed but instead was manipulated and emotionally abused by my family, feeling rejected and alone.

My boyfriend in college took me to the counseling center on campus. They only stirred up my anger even more, and then they would say, “Time is up. See you next week?” I was thinking to myself, “Now what am I supposed to do with all this junk you just brought up?!” I hated this process; there seemed to be no solution. This only caused me to medicate myself even more with drugs and alcohol to numb the pain that was surfacing.

When I would feel the rage building inside me, it was usually caused by a blocked goal or a perceived injustice. I would feel my cheeks getting hot and this thing rising within me. It was like this monster whom I had no control over; I would spew hot volcanic ash on anyone in my way. Then I would be overcome with these intense feelings of shame and guilt. This unhealthy behavioral pattern would last for decades. It was what I saw modeled in my home, and I knew no other way. I wish I wouldn’t have reacted like that, but I didn’t know what to do or who to turn to. Drinking and drugs were my escape from all the pain I had suffered all my life. They worked for a while, but I needed someone to love me just the way I was, someone who could take my pain away. I needed a miracle.

Then one day, I met Jesus, and He took all of my pain, healed my broken heart, and loved me just the way I was. I am so grateful for the day I became His child.

Des questions à prendre à cœur:

  1. Do you struggle with extreme anger/rage due to your past trauma?
  2. How have you handled this in your past?
  3. Have you been able to conquer this monster?
  4. How were you able to do that?
  5. Comment pouvons-nous prier pour vous?

I pray this topic has been helpful for you. Please reach out if you need to talk or if you need prayer: toni@myashestobeauty.com.

 

Tu es aimé,
Toni

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Pourquoi ai-je du mal avec l'intimité?

Pourquoi ai-je du mal avec l'intimité?

Pourquoi ai-je du mal avec l'intimité?

par Toni Weisz/Abuse Recovery

Scriptures: 1 Corinthiens 6:12-20, 7:1-9 and Revelation 21:4

Excerpt taken from an AACC book, The Bible for Hope: Caring for People God’s Way (Pages 1500–1501 by Clifford L. Penner and Joyce J. Penner):
“Women function on two tracks, the emotional and the physical. These must be connected for a woman to be interested and open to intimacy. Women open up when they feel loved and connected with their husbands.”

The problem we have as post-abortion women and women who have experienced abuse is we are not deeply connected. Intimacy does not come easy for us. We have built a wall around ourselves to keep us safe and protected. But those walls become our prison cell, and we are locked behind it, feeling all alone and isolated. We cannot give or receive love in this place.

We need someone to come and rescue us. We need our Savior, Jésus, to come and slowly take the bricks away that are around our heart so we can slowly walk out of this prison into more intentional and intimate relationships with people. It can be scary at first, but Jesus is leading us with His righteous right hand. We are safe with Him.

How do we finally break free and trust again? It is a very slow process that can take many, many years. I am struggling right now to be more intimate with my husband and to relax and enjoy it, instead of just rushing through it, because I have had this wall up around my heart for so long. Dans le passé, he was not a person I trusted to not hurt me. But I have been seeing some improvement, and he did take good care of me after my surgery. Alors, I am feeling like it is time to reevaluate that boundary. I have shared this with my accountability partner, and we are both praying with me about this. I want to honor God in my marriage.

I am also plagued with bad memories and ungodly thoughts of past things I have seen with my eyes. They just come out of nowhere, but I know who the author of it is; the enemy hates marriage, and he would rather I not be the godly, loving wife God created me to be. I am intentionally going back to those unpleasant memories with Jesus holding my hand, and we will revisit those times and situations because I want God’s perspective, His wisdom and guidance, not mine. I want to be healed in those areas. I want to feel love and to be able to show love also. It’s been bottled up for so many years; I feel like a robot. I want that to change. If you would pray for me in this area, thank you.

This morning, I started a new journal, and I went back to my first memory with my husband and how our relationship started and how I felt. I asked the Lord to remove any blindness so I can see clearly what my part was in the formation of this relationship. I wrote four full pages this morning, and then I heard the song, Scars in Heaven, and God even showed me a rainbow this morning. He whispered to my heart, “It will be okay, Little Bird; you will be healed in this area. I am with you; you are not alone.”

One day, mon cher, all your wounds will be healed. We can experience healing here, but when we get to Glory, there will be no more pain, sorrow, or crying. Jesus will wipe all our tears away. We will finally be whole. Merci, Jésus.

Scars in Heaven by Casting Crowns

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qCdevloDE6E

 

Des questions à prendre à cœur:
1. Have you struggled with intimacy with your husband? How did you work through that?

2. If you are dating, do you feel comfortable sharing your heart with him? Yes or No? Please explain.

3. Have you had a difficult time having healthy relationships with men in your past? Si oui, can you give an example?

4. Comment pouvons-nous prier pour vous?

Thank you for reading this blog. It was not an easy one for me, but I felt like I needed to share my struggles with you so you feel safe sharing yours. You are safe here, mon cher.

Please reach out if you need to talk or pray this week. You can email me at: toni@myashestobeauty.com.

Tu es aimé,
Toni

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Un chèque dans mon esprit

Un chèque dans mon esprit

Un chèque dans mon esprit
par Toni Weisz/Abuse Recovery

Scripture reference: Éphésiens 4:29-32
Ne laissez aucune communication corrompue sortir de votre bouche, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace to the hearers. And grieve not the Holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption. Laisse toute amertume, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you with all malice: and be ye kind one to another, tendre, se pardonner les uns les autres, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.

I had an opportunity this week to see a leader from my past. She was the aavortement recovery leader at our local pregnancy center at the time I was also volunteering. We did many post-aavortement Bible studies together for several years. I was very surprised to see her because we were at an event that had nothing to do with ministry. We sat next to each other. We shared about our families, and then we also discussed ministry. We both come from totally different approaches to ministry.

Over the years, I have learned a woman doesn’t need to be slammed about her sin of abortion, that it’s something that we talk about, and the Holy Spirit is the one who convicts her of it.

At My Ashes to Beauty, we are very clear that abortion terminates a life. But women come to our ministry broken, and they need someone to lift them up, to love them, to share the truth about abortion, and to share the love of Jesus with them.

As we talked about ministry, I noticed I was raising my voice; we are both very passionate and strong women. I was not feeling good about what was happening. I felt like we were in some kind of strange competition. I felt very uncomfortable. I felt like she was defending herself and also insinuating some things about me that were not true.

At one point, I just folded my hands and stopped engaging with her just to take a break because our conversation was getting kind of bizarre. Dans le passé, sil had hurt me in many ways by her style of leadership, and I suffered not only public humiliation in front of other leaders, but she also told me it was my sin that was causing problems in my marriage.

I have worked very hard over the years to forgive her. Seigneur, I forgive her, and I pray You bless her and her family, in Jesus’ name. God has taught me many things by looking at other leaders and learning from them.

She sent me a text the next day and was wanting to get together possibly. Franchement, there are some people that I have to keep at arm’s length, and she is one of them.

Have you ever felt like you had to keep yourself protected from certain individuals? For some reason, have you felt they are unsafe emotionally? Was there a check in your spirit, like a caution?

When I think about it now, I was a co-dependent people-pleaser. I had a fear of authority figures, et I considered her an authority figure. I gave her too much power over me, and that was my fault. But I was so wounded, and I had just started in the post-abortion ministry, so a lot of things were coming up from my past. I wasn’t equipped yet to handle all of that.

Perhaps she reminds me of other family members. I am very guarded around individuals like this who have hurt me in the past. I am also aware the evil one is prowling because I sent my ministry cards to some family members who are pro-choice. I know I cannot change their hearts; I am praying God does, but I want them to hear the truth from the other side that abortion not only takes a life but also harms women deeply. Please pray for God to open their hearts to hear the truth about abortion.

Des questions à prendre à cœur:

  1. Are there certain family members or friends you have to guard yourself from?
  2. How do you navigate those relationships? What do you do to protect yourself?
  3. How can we pray and encourage you?

I pray this topic was helpful for you. Veuillez nous contacter si vous avez besoin de parler, toni@myashestobeauty.com.

Tu es aimé,
Toni

 

 

Lire la suite des blogs de Toni ICI.
Comment surmonter un traumatisme

Comment surmonter un traumatisme

Comment surmonter un traumatisme
By Toni Weisz/Abuse Recovery

Références bibliques: Psaume 147:3, Psaume 27:10, Psaume 100:5

“Trauma can be more than a dark pit of despair or a spiral of depression. It has the potential to be our deepest source of empathy, strongest point of connection, and most forceful impetus (stimulus) for growth if we bravely choose to let others into both the brokenness and the mending. My brokenness becomes beautiful when I see trauma as an opportunity to grow.” (Excerpt taken from the devotional, Suffer Strong: How to Survive Anything by Redefining Everything, by Katherine and Jay Wolf.)

Psaume 147:3
He heals the broken in heart and binds up their wounds.

Psaume 27:10
When my father and my mother forsake me, then the LORD will take me up.

Psaume 100:5
For the Lord is good; His mercy is everlasting, and His truth endures to all generations.

It takes courage to face the trauma from our past. This is not an easy process. En fait, it is quite painful at times, and it is not for the faint of heart. That’s why many people don’t do it. They would rather live in their dysfunction because they know what to expect—it’s familiar.

Change can be hard, scary, and unpredictable. But it can also be beautiful, especially when we are able to come out on the other side of our pain and see the miraculous work God has done.

When I first started this ministry, the Lord encouraged me to be real.

When I am open and transparent with all of you, it gives you permission to share from your heart too. I have experienced tremendous healing as a result of doing these conference calls for the past 11 années. The work of the Holy Spirit, self-examination, and a safe community in which to share are the most important elements for true healing and the ability to break dysfunctional patterns and spiritual strongholds. This group gives me the courage to keep stepping out.

You’re only as sick as your secrets.

When I share my secrets in a safe and loving environment, it helps me to begin the healing process. It brings that secret thing into the light, and the devil no longer has power over me in that area. I am praying that each of you experience true healing in all of your broken areas. You are safe on our conference calls, dearly beloved of the Lord. What secrets are you still hiding?

I also needed to practice what I preached.

If I was telling you to stand up to the bully and use your voice, then I needed to do the same thing. This group has helped me to stay accountable and move forward in my own healing journey.

Say what you mean, but don’t say it mean.

God has shown me how to stay calm, to allow the other person to speak, and try to stay on topic. Then when it’s my turn, I share my perspective but in a way that honors God.

I apologize when I need to, but I don’t allow others to just dump on me or yell at me. I walk away or hang up because that’s not an acceptable way to communicate. I don’t allow others to be verbally abusive to me. By sharing with you, it also helped me to practice those same principles in my life.

God showed me He wanted to be first in my life.

Once I put God first in my life, then what others thought of me didn’t matter so much anymore. I was trying to please them so they would love me, but that never worked anyway. It only left me feeling empty, unloved, and depleted of my energy. I realized I could never make someone happy or sad; I didn’t have that kind of power. Only God can love me completely. Alors, I go to God when I need something because most people are not able to give me what I need anyway.

They cannot give what they don’t have.

Only Jesus can meet all my needs. Jesus is the answer to every situation or problem I have. When I go to Him and ask Him to help me, to show me what’s going on and why I am struggling the way I am, He gives me wisdom and shows me what I need to do.

Des questions:

  1. What burdens are you carrying right now? Is it health, finances, solitude, relationships, loss, sadness, or something else?
  2. Are you able to share how you are feeling right now?
  3. Comment pouvons-nous prier pour vous?

Remember: When your father and your mother forsake you, then the LORD will take you up. For the Lord is good; His mercy is everlasting, and His truth endures to all generations. He binds up the brokenhearted and heals all of your wounds.

Please reach out if you need prayer or just want to talk. Envoyez-moi un email à: toni@myashestobeauty.com.

Tu es aimé,

Toni

 

Lire la suite des blogs de Toni ICI.

L'amour de mon Sauveur pour moi

L'amour de mon Sauveur pour moi

 

L'amour de mon Sauveur pour moi
By Toni Weisz/Abuse Recovery (Blogs de Toni)
Jérémie 31:3, 1 Corinthiens 13:3-8a, Isaïe 9:6, and Zephaniah 3:17

Jérémie 31:3
The Lord appeared of old to me saying: “Yes, I have loved you with an everlasting love; Therefore with lovingkindness I have drawn you.”

Lord Jesus, what do you want me to say to the precious sisters reading this right now? You know each one intimately. What are some words of encouragement that you want them to hear from Your heart to theirs?

Little Bird, I want you to say to them, “I have loved you with an everlasting love. My love for you is pure, holy, righteous, kind, gentle, and eternal. I am love; it is My character. I created love. I know many of you have been abused or neglected and you have felt rejection from those closest to you. I am so sad that you experienced those things. My desire is for every child to know they are loved from the moment of conception. If you only knew how much I loved you from a child, you would not have looked for it in other places and with other people. But your view of Me and My love were distorted by the father of lies. He doesn’t want you to know My love intimately because he knows the power of My love. It was My love for you that kept Me nailed to the cross so you could have eternal life with Me and the Father in Heaven. We loved you so much that the Father gave you the Holy Spirit, the Comforter to be with you always, so you would never have to walk alone again. All these things I am mentioning show you how precious you are to Me. I am so proud of you for stepping out of the darkness into My glorious light. You know that true healing only comes through Me, because I am the Wonderful, Counselor, Mighty God, and the Prince of Peace. I created you and I delight in you. I understand you better than you understand yourself. I know how to heal every broken part of your soul. Will you trust me today with your whole heart? Allow me to heal you in all your broken places. I want to do a miracle in your life. I will close with this. Zephaniah 3:17, ‘The Lord your God in your midst, the Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.’ You are my beloved.”

 

Des questions:

Do you trust God?

Do you know how much you are loved by Him?

Will you allow Jesus into those broken places where you have not allowed anyone else to go?

I pray you will experience the love of God in the innermost part of your being and be forever changed.

 

Tu es aimé,
Toni

Lire la suite des blogs de Toni ICI.

Le fils prodigue

Le fils prodigue

 

Le fils prodigue
By Toni Weisz/Abuse Recovery

Luc 15:11-24, Jérémie 31:3b-c, Luc 15:10, II Corinthians 5:21a, Éphésiens 2:1b, Luc 15:10, Révélation 7:9, Romains 8:15b-c, Révélation 19:9, et les romains 8:35

Luc 15:11-24

Then He said: “A certain man had two sons. And the younger of them said to his father, ‘Father, give me the portion of goods that falls to me.’ So he divided to them his livelihood. And not many days after, the younger son gathered all together, journeyed to a far country, and there wasted his possessions with prodigal (wasteful) living. But when he had spent all, there arose a severe famine in that land, and he began to be in want. Then he went and joined himself to a citizen of that country, and he sent him into his fields to feed swine. And he would gladly have filled his stomach with the pods that the swine ate, and no one gave him anything.

“But when he came to himself, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired servants have bread enough and to spare, and I perish with hunger! I will arise and go to my father, and will say to him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you, and I am no longer worthy to be called your son. Make me like one of your hired servants.” ’

“And he arose and came to his father. But when he was still a great way off, his father saw him and had compassion, and ran and fell on his neck and kissed him. And the son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and in your sight, and am no longer worthy to be called your son.’

“But the father said to his servants, ‘Bring out the best robe and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand and sandals on his feet. And bring the fatted calf here and kill it, and let us eat and be merry; for this my son was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ And they began to be merry.”

Some have called this, “The Running Father,” instead of, “The Prodigal Son,” because it’s the actions of the father in these scriptures that give a glimpse into the very heart of God, our heavenly Father, towards us, His children. I can imagine the father looking to the horizon every day for a glimpse of his son returning home. And every day, losing hope that he would return. Then one day, he spots his son and is filled with compassion for him. He girds up his loins (takes his robe from back to front between his legs and tucks it into his belt) and runs to his son. During Biblical times, a man of his stature in the community would not do such a thing in public, but he didn’t care what others thought. I read that the son could have been banned from the town or humiliated publicly, because he dishonored his father and their town with his sinful actions. This was another possible reason why the father ran to his son; he wanted to protect him from the humiliation and judgement of others.

Let’s put ourselves in the shoes of the prodigal son. Didn’t we run away from the homes that God had given us in part due to the dysfunction, and/or we wanted to explore the world and live our lives our own ways? Tout en, our heavenly Father is watching and looking for us to return home to Him. How it must have broken His heart to see the destructive, ungodly choices we made. And yet, He loves us with an everlasting love; He yearns for us to come home to Him (Jérémie 31:3b-c). The angels in heaven rejoice over one sinner who repents (Luc 15:10).

God sent His Son to die for us so we could be set free from the judgment we deserved because of all our sins. I love the correlation between the prodigal son’s father and our heavenly Father. Jesus became sin for us (II Corinthians 5:21a) and was naked, beaten, and crucified, and He died for us. He was humiliated and tortured for me and you. When I think of what Jesus did on the cross for me, I am overwhelmed with gratitude because I know I didn’t deserve it, but I humbly receive this precious gift of salvation that cost God the most precious thing He had, His Son.

Lastly, we too were once dead in our trespasses and sins against God, (Éphésiens 2:1b) but when we confessed our sins, like the prodigal son, we were welcomed into the family of God. There was a celebration in heaven the day you received Christ as your Savior (Luc 15:10). God has clothed you in a beautiful white robe (Révélation 7:9), put a ring on your finger, and adopted you into His Holy Family (Romains 8:15b-c). One day, we will all be together for the great feast in heaven, the marriage supper of the Lamb (Révélation 19:9). Hallelujah! Merci, Jésus!

Merci, Father, for the gift of adoption into your family. I am no longer an orphan, a stranger, or an outcast; I am yours forever.

Note: To you precious ones who did not have good earthly fathers, it is hard to think of God as a good heavenly Father. Please know that God’s heart broke when he saw the abuse and neglect you suffered at the hands of your earthly fathers. God is not like your earthly fathers; He is kind, gentle, pure, holy, and faithful. He loves you with an everlasting love. Nothing can separate you from the love of God through Christ Jesus our Lord (Romains 8:35).

Des questions:

What was your relationship like with your earthly father?

Do you see God as a good and kind Father? Sinon, please explain.

Please reach out if you need to talk or you need prayer.

Tu es aimé,

Toni

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