La mia vita sarebbe cambiata per sempre (Parte 6): Il capitolo finale

La storia di aprile

My Life Would be Forever Changed (Parte 6)
Il capitolo finale

In July 1997, I accepted the Lord into my life. I felt like I was a new person. I was alive in Christ. The same year I accepted the Lord into my life, I met my husband, and we were married three years later. I got pregnant right away, but sadly, lost the baby. This was ten years after my abortion. Of course, I thought God was punishing me. But I soon learned that it wasn’t God. It was actually my body holding onto the pain of the past. During that time, I had a lot of anxiety and fear in my heart. I knew God was near, but I didn’t really believe it. I was afraid in my own home and scared to drive my car on the freeway. I asked myself how I could possibly raise a baby with this hurt still inside me. I was holding onto everything. I walked around with a smile on, but deep down I was hurting.

Soon after this pregnancy, I became pregnant again. Così, in 2002, we had our first child! Our second child followed a few years later in 2005. Unfortunately, right after the birth of our second child, I became really crazy about germs. I couldn’t do it; I felt helpless in my own body. I was so afraid I was going to die. I started to search my heart, and I realized that I was afraid of death for our children. Why was I afraid of death? Because I had faced death myself as a child. Later, I found out that death has NO sting!!!

Today, I have the honor and privilege of walking women through their abortion stories as well as mentoring women that have been through trauma, including sexual abuse. I get to see women be set free from the pain of their past and walk in their newfound freedom in Christ. My goal is to help lead women to freedom from the bondage that has been holding them back.

I now hold a Mental Health Coaching Certificate, and I am working on getting a Christian Counseling Certificate. I have been through the Making Life Disciples course and some trauma classes through church. But one of my favorite accomplishments to date is that I’ve completed one year of Bible College to be able to minister the Word to those who are lost and hurting. #SetFree

I share my whole story to tell you that our God is good, no matter what our circumstances. When I was around drugs and alcohol throughout my life, God was good. When I was kidnapped and raped at 12, God was good. When I had an abortion, God was good. When I was living in sin, God was good. When I felt shame, colpa, or fear, God was right there. When I was afraid, God was revealed. When death was around me, God saved me. When I was hopeless, God was full of hope for me. God is forgiveness and my help. What would I do without my Father? He saved me, forgave me, and redeemed me. It was only recently that I discovered that God has been with me all along. He has been pursuing me and chasing me since the day I was born.

I believe that Jesus takes all the hurt on Himself. I believe that I am the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus. I believe I am reconciled to Him. Grazie, Gesù, that the old is gone and the new has come. Grazie, Gesù, that I am highly favored and deeply loved. Thank you that I am a called out, separated person for God’s Kingdom work. Grazie, Gesù, I am a New Creation. Grazie, Gesù, for Your Amazing Grace!!!

 

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La mia vita sarebbe cambiata per sempre (Parte 5): Scelte malsane

La storia di aprile

What was I doing? Was I using sex, lingerie modeling, and stripping as my drug to cover up all the pain (drunk dad, kidnap, rape, insecurity, sex, guilt and shame)? What was I going to run to next? When would I get to end of myself? I was involved in another relationship and engaged to be married. We were living together and planned for a wedding. I always knew he smoked pot and drank a little. And I told myself it was ok, but deep down inside I knew it wasn’t. I grew up around that, and I surely didn’t want to raise children around it. My fiance decided one night to go out drinking to a strip club. Little did I know that he would be snorting cocaine in the wee hours of the night. When he came home, I felt something wasn’t right, so I checked his car and there were bloody rags on the floor. I knew something was wrong. I confronted him and he denied it. I felt like I shouldn’t be with this man, but I chose to stay with him; I didn’t want to be alone. Soon after this incident, the Lord would enter my life and make radical changes, as you will see.

 

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La mia vita sarebbe cambiata per sempre (Parte 4): Tormentato da vergogna e senso di colpa

La storia di aprile

Poi ho incontrato l'amore della mia vita. Questo è quello che ho pensato 15 Anni. E per età 16, Ero incinta. Mi chiedevo in cosa mi fossi cacciato; cosa avrei fatto? Pensavo che l'unica opzione fosse abortire. Al tempo, i miei genitori avevano accolto una madre single che aveva finanziato il mio aborto. Pensava che andasse bene perché l'aveva fatto diverse volte lei stessa. Non l'ho detto ai miei genitori. Ma recentemente ha detto loro. Quindi eccomi qui, distrutta dal rapimento e dallo stupro e ora con un bambino che stava per essere abortito. Ho abortito e ho pianto per giorni. Non perché mi sono appena tolto una vita, ma perché soffrivo. Avevo già sofferto così tanto, e questa era solo un'altra cosa da nascondere. Ho indossato la mia faccina sorridente e ho cercato di nascondermi ma nel profondo gridavo aiuto ma non sapevo a chi rivolgermi. Il senso di colpa era così pesante sul mio cuore.

Un anno dopo ho iniziato a frequentare un altro ragazzo che era vergine ma non lo ero più. Non mi importava di aver rubato la sua verginità. È come se gli avessi strappato la sua innocenza a suo piacimento. La vergogna e il senso di colpa mi stavano consumando. Ho continuato a costruire sulla mia colpa e vergogna. Mi chiedevo se tutto questo sarebbe mai finito! Ho passato molte notti a fare festa e anche se c'era molto alcol, Non ho quasi mai bevuto; l'unica droga che ho provato e che non mi è piaciuta è stata la marijuana.

Ho iniziato a guidare nei bar e a fare la modella di lingerie, portando a casa un sacco di soldi. Era tutta una questione di soldi. Non mi importava che stavo vendendo il mio corpo. La modellazione della lingerie porta allo stripping. Mi sono trovato in un posto molto vulnerabile. Mi stavo spogliando nei club, guadagnando il doppio rispetto alla modellazione di lingerie. Pensavo di vivere la vita, ma c'era il senso di colpa e la vergogna sempre crescenti che mi perseguitavano. Non ho mai avuto rapporti sessuali con nessun uomo negli strip club. Non mi sono mai drogato o bevuto quando ero lì. Desideravo che qualcuno mi prestasse attenzione. Non conoscevo altro modo. Guardavo le donne vendersi per pagare la scuola ai propri figli e all'epoca non ci pensavo più di tanto; è triste per me ora, cosa stavano facendo e probabilmente i loro figli lo sapevano. Questo era l'unico modo per guadagnare migliaia di dollari. Il senso di colpa e la vergogna erano sempre con me. Dio mi stava chiamando ma io non stavo ascoltando. Andavo in discoteca e partecipavo a concorsi di bikini e vincevo e pensavo fosse fantastico. Ma stavo solo vendendo la mia anima per essere accettata.

PARTE 5 Clicca qui.

 

 

La mia vita sarebbe cambiata per sempre (Parte 3): Cercando di far fronte al dolore

La storia di aprile

The years going forward were a total blur. I went through school and tried to do my best, but there was always sadness in my heart. I started to become insecure over friendships and people in general. My spirit was broken. I was insecure and looking for acceptance. I knew I couldn’t get it at home since my parents drinking and abuse had gotten worse after the kidnap. I knew they loved me, but I also knew something was wrong.

I started skipping school in the 7th grade and became attracted to boys and sex. I spent a lot of time at my friend’s house, partying and having fun. We moved to Lantana to a new house and what we thought would be a new life. But by the time I was in 9th grade, I was sexually active. You might think I would want nothing to do with sex after my kidnap and rape, but it was the thrill. And God was not in my life. I started dating a guy that was many years older than me, and it was almost as if I was being raped at my will. I felt so much shame when I was with him.

PARTE 4 Clicca qui.

 

 

 

 

La mia vita sarebbe cambiata per sempre (Parte 2): Il mio miracoloso salvataggio

La storia di aprile

I could hear the police outside, yelling to the rapist that they knew I was in the apartment! Within moments they broke in and took him into custody. My cousin and brother came running in to release me from this torture. My cousin grabbed me and ran home. It was VICTORY! I was immediately placed into the tub, and there was a detective taking pictures and asking questions. I felt that I was rescued from the pit of hell.

I was taken to the hospital to be examined, which was awkward and very uncomfortable. I was in shock, in pain and bleeding. I would have to have surgery to repair what was damaged. While lying in the hospital bed, I fell asleep only to be woken by a dream of all that happened. It’s as if I just relived the whole experience. I just wanted to feel normal. I just wanted to go back to school to be with my friends and feel like a 12-year-old girl again. I no longer felt Innocent, pure or clean. My thoughts were corrupted. My life was turned upside down. I wondered, how was I going to do this life anymore? I remember an outpouring of love from my 6th grade peers. There was one thing that helped me. I wish I could say it was Jesus, but I didn’t know him yet. But I was picked up at the school by a detective and brought to a counseling office to talk about what had happened. I believe the counseling helped me sort out my feelings about the experience. A lot was erased from my memory, which I believe was God’s way of protecting me.

Read PART 1 qui.

Read PART 3 qui.

 

 

La mia vita sarebbe cambiata per sempre (Parte 1): Il rapimento

La mia vita sarebbe cambiata per sempre (Parte 1): Il rapimento

La storia di aprile

Il rapimento

Lo ero solo 1 1/2 quando i miei genitori decisero di trasferirsi nel soleggiato Ft. Lauderdale, FL da CT. Non ricordo molto dei primi anni, ma ricordo che i miei genitori non erano mai stati in giro. I figured they were working really hard to provide for us. We lived in a duplex and went to a school just behind it. My brother and I always came home to an empty house after school. During the elementary years we would walk to school, since it was close. He is 4 years older so, there were only a few years that we were together. This time in my life was a blur.

My mom always cooked a nice meal, and we would try to spend quality time together. As I got older my dad would drink daily, in excess, and he would become easily angered. It was sad seeing the way he treated my mom, but I hoped that the next day would be better. But it wasn’t, and unfortunately, it got worse as time passed. I witnessed my dad trying to strangle my mom, holding a gun to her head, yelling and cursing at her. He was under the control of alcohol and drugs, and it made him a different and scary person to be around. This abuse lasted for many years.

There were happy times too. Every weekend we spent the whole day at the beach. This was a happy time for our family. We were away from the daily activities and the stresses of life. We would stop at Italian Ice for a cold lemon slushy after a whole day at the beach. I would come home with sunburn almost every time, but it felt good.

Another happy time was when we had to do our laundry. We didn’t have a washer or dryer, so we would go to the laundry mat. This was a special time for my dad and me. We would go to this shop close by and purchase stickers for my album. I was so excited every time we got to spend time with each other, and I realize now it wasn’t the stickers, it was the time spent with my dad.

I watched my parents struggle financially, emotionally and physically. I don’t know what was going on, but I do think they had a lot of hurt in the hearts. Maybe it was their past relationships and poor choices that added to their destructive, abusive behaviors. My dad chose to cover up his pain with alcohol, and both my parents used drugs. My mom was abused by her father, and now she was dealing with it from my dad. This filled her with rage.

Many years later my parents surrendered their lives to Jesus and were saved. We didn’t realize how badly we all needed Him in our lives. It was nice to know we didn’t have to deal with life alone anymore.

But before Jesus came into our lives, on the afternoon of December 4, 1986, our lives were changed forever. As a 12-year-old girl, I walked out the front door of our duplex after eating dinner with my family. There was a man sitting in his car on the street who said “Hello” to me. I didn’t pay much attention to him. My friend Gina who was 16, lived in the apartment building behind ours. Every day we would walk down the street and talk about boys. We walked down, came back and stood between the two apartment buildings, on the sidewalk. My back was facing the row of cars so I couldn’t see behind me. And that’s when it happened! The man from the car came up behind and grabbed me right in front of my friend and her little brother. My friend immediately ran to my apartment, and that’s when they started looking for me.

In the meantime, I was in the hands of a rapist. His hand wrapped around my mouth so no one could hear me screaming at the top of my lungs. I was so scared that I wet myself as my body trembled. I didn’t’t know what was going to happen to me. I was an innocent child in the hands of a rapist and possible killer. He took me to an abandoned apartment just down the block from where we lived. I had on all new clothes because I just gotten them for my birthday. I loved when I got a new outfit. But now that outfit was being ripped off my body. This was the very moment when my innocence was ripped away from me. At that moment in a walk-in closet, this man whose name was Larry, raped me with his hand over my mouth as I tried to scream. He raped me over and over, causing damage to my small virgin body. I was in utter darkness.

I could feel Satan there with all his demons. I can’t even describe the pain I felt. As the tears rolled down my cheeks, I felt so much anguish in my soul. I imagine so many were crying out for my rescue. They were pleading on my behalf, “Father, rescue this little child.” How could this be happening to me? When Larry was done, I remember asking if I could go to the bathroom. This was my chance to escape. But little did I know that he would follow me in the bathroom. I was going to jump out the window and run home, but there was no window. He escorted me out of the bathroom and sat me on the floor and started to perform more sexual acts while trying to get me to do the same. I remember asking when he was going to bring me home, and he said, “In the morning.” I didn’t believe he had any intentions of bringing me home, but God did.

A friend of Larry’s came in with some food and drugs, which were offered to me. But I refused, and they didn’t push it. I knew better than to take any because I grew up around it and saw what it was doing to my parents.

At my home, I know my parents were heartbroken because their only daughter was missing. I can’t imagine as a mom now myself, how they felt. They probably felt desperate and helpless. As police searched with helicopters and police cars, my parents were instructed to stay home in case I showed up. Did they cry out to Jesus? Did they utter his name? Did they cry out to God in the anguish? They knew who God was, but we only went to church on holidays. What was going to save me? I didn’t’t know. I didn’t know Jesus. I didn’t know He existed. I didn’t know God.

At the point when Larry’s friend came in, I saw an opportunity to try to escape again. And when I did, he grabbed me and pushed me to the floor. This was the last time I tried to get away. Larry’s friend told him they were actively searching for me, which I’m sure he already knew. By now, I was sitting on the floor with saturated clothes. Larry was lying across my legs because he knew I was going to try to escape again. Right above me there was a window, and Larry told me that if a light flashes in, for me to get to the closet, which was right next to us. Sure, enough a light flashed in. This was the light of the angels.

Out of fear, I quickly moved over to the closet. Meanwhile, I could hear them yelling, “We know she is in there, so let us in.” I don’t know how they knew, but God never left me. He is omnipresent. Larry denied that I was in the apartment, but the police knew better, and they were not giving up. At that moment, he told me to move to the dark walk-in closet. I had NO choice but to do it.

God has recently shown me that the angels were all around that apartment even in the evil act of rape. He was protecting me from ultimate destruction. He had more to teach me about His love, forgiveness and redemption. In my next blog, I will continue my story so that everyone may see how our great God has shown Himself strong in my life!

 

Read PART 2 qui “Il mio miracoloso salvataggio”