The Uncontrollable Rage Within Me (Parte 1)

por Toni Weisz/Recuperação de Abuso

Scriptures: Ecclesiastes 7:9 and Psalm 4:4

Ecclesiastes 7:9 Be not quick in your spirit to become angry, for anger lodges in the heart of fools. (ESV)

Salmo 4:4 Be angry, and do not sin. Mediate within your heart on your bed, and be still. (ESV)

My home of origin was chaotic and unsafe emotionally. From the time I was a small child, I did not have a voice and hid in the background to keep under the radar. My father was so stressed from his family business that he was always at the boiling point with his temper. I describe him as a rageaholic. He could not control his rage; it controlled him. Como resultado, my mom frantically tried to control his temper by forcing us kids to be quiet and compliant so as not to make him angry. She was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis at 23 anos. My mom was not equipped to deal with my father’s anger. When the three of us would misbehave, she would react in unhealthy ways. It was a very unpredictable place for a child.

I made decisions that were very unhealthy because I had no one else to turn to. My mom was so busy running around putting out fires, soshe didn’t see that I was struggling. My dad was so exhausted from running the family business, which was very demanding emotionally and physically. As a 12-year-old, I was isolated physically and emotionally, and that’s when the devil entered the picture. I started drinking Scotch whiskey from my parent’s liquor cabinet at 12 anos, using drugs at 13, having sex at 16, and having my abortion at 21.

When I think back on that time, I am so sad for the little girl who just wanted to be loved and cherished but didn’t experience that. Everyone was caught up in their own stuff, and they were not able to clearly see what was going on in our family. But the devil saw it; and man did he have a field day. A special note: I know my parents loved me and did the best they could with what they had.

I learned to wear a mask, hiding my feelings and stuffing them. This stuffing would eventually come out, but it was destructive and harmful. When I was a teenager in college and would get intoxicated, I would try to hurt myself by kicking in my dorm room window and punching doors and walls. I was filled with so much hatred towards myself, and I didn’t know where it was coming from or how to control it. Now looking back, I was angry that I did not receive the love I needed but instead was manipulated and emotionally abused by my family, feeling rejected and alone.

My boyfriend in college took me to the counseling center on campus. They only stirred up my anger even more, and then they would say, “Time is up. See you next week?” I was thinking to myself, “Now what am I supposed to do with all this junk you just brought up?!” I hated this process; there seemed to be no solution. This only caused me to medicate myself even more with drugs and alcohol to numb the pain that was surfacing.

When I would feel the rage building inside me, it was usually caused by a blocked goal or a perceived injustice. I would feel my cheeks getting hot and this thing rising within me. It was like this monster whom I had no control over; I would spew hot volcanic ash on anyone in my way. Then I would be overcome with these intense feelings of shame and guilt. This unhealthy behavioral pattern would last for decades. It was what I saw modeled in my home, and I knew no other way. I wish I wouldn’t have reacted like that, but I didn’t know what to do or who to turn to. Drinking and drugs were my escape from all the pain I had suffered all my life. They worked for a while, but I needed someone to love me just the way I was, someone who could take my pain away. I needed a miracle.

Then one day, I met Jesus, and He took all of my pain, healed my broken heart, and loved me just the way I was. I am so grateful for the day I became His child.

Perguntas para levar a sério:

1. Do you struggle with extreme anger/rage due to your past trauma?
2. How have you handled this in your past?
3. Have you been able to conquer this monster?
4. How were you able to do that?
5. Como podemos orar por você?

Rezo para que este tópico tenha sido útil para você. Please reach out if you need to talk or if you need prayer: toni@myashestobeauty.com.

Você é amado,
Toni