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SECRETS

by Toni Weisz/Recovery Tools
Scripture References: John 8:31–32, 36

John 8:31–32, 36
Then Jesus said to those Jews who believed Him, “If you abide in My word, you are My disciples indeed. And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.”

“Therefore, if the Son makes you free, you shall be free indeed.”

 

YOU’RE ONLY AS SICK AS YOUR SECRETS

You may have heard the familiar recovery term, “You’re only as sick as your secrets,” and it is a true statement. Until we feel safe to share our secrets, we keep them locked up in a type of “Pandora’s Box,” where we keep all of our deepest and darkest secrets hidden, because we fear them coming out to expose the ugly truth.

For the post–abortion woman, it is the truth that we terminated the life of our child. This horrible secret was our child. For those of us who have been abused, our fears of retaliation, rejection and judgment keep us silent. Where can we go to share in a safe place?

God doesn’t want us operating in secrets because He knows how destructive isolation and secrets are. I started secrets when I was 12 Anni, hiding my drinking. Then it was getting high at 13, then sex at 16, and the worst offense was il mio aborto a 21.

My secrets and sins were piling up, and it became harder and harder to keep them from coming out. I feared my parents’ reaction, punishment and disappointment in me. I knew all of this was wrong, but I kept those secrets until I was 50 Anni.

They had no idea about my destructive, sinful, sorted past because I wore a great mask. It was not an easy conversation, but I wanted them to hear it from me because I was starting this ministry and I didn’t want them to find out from another source. It needed to come from me. I felt a great release when I was finally able to share this with my parents.

WHY ARE SECRETS DESTRUCTIVE?

Primo, secrets keep us isolated from God and others, and that’s exactly where the enemy wants us. He wants us isolated and hiding because then he can torment us over and over again, until we realize what’s going on. Secrets keep us from the very people that can help us.

Second, the dysfunction is perpetuated and will continue as long as we nurture this thing, and protect it, like it was some prized possession. The secret needs to be exposed and brought into the light.

Third, secrets can hinder or prevent healing in our lives. Because of the abuse many of us have experienced in our past, we are already fearful of exposure, E we think this secret is a way to keep us safe. But actually it is causing us to stay sick. God gives us the courage to step out of isolation and secrets so we can be healed.

Fourth, secrets are destructive because they distort our view of reality, and we feel like we are all alone. Secrets are usually combined with lies that we believe about ourselves, Dio, or others. God’s Word and the Holy Spirit help us to know the truth so we can walk in it and so these secrets and lies can no longer hold us back from becoming the women God created us to be.

God wants us free from bondage. Secrets keep us in chains and in darkness.

Gesù cunme to set the captives free.

Questions to take to heart:

  1. What secrets are you still holding onto?
  2. Why are you fearful to share them? Is it fear of retribution, fear of rejection, fear of hurting another person, fear of abandonment, or fear of judgment?
  3. When did you have the courage to share your secrets?
  4. How did you feel after you shared your secrets?
  5. How can we pray for you?

Please be aware that even in Church, there are some people who are emotionally unsafe to share secrets with. Make sure it is a person/group you trust.

I pray you have the courage to trust God and allow Him to show you the areas of your life that need healing. Trust Him with your secrets.

If you need help, please reach out to me. My email is: toni@myashestobeauty.com.

 

Sei amato,
Toni

 

 

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Sono ancora responsabile delle mie azioni

Sono ancora responsabile delle mie azioni

I am Still Responsible for my Actions
by Toni Weisz/Recovery Tools

romani 3:23, John 16:8, Filippesi 4:13, Matteo 7:7-8, e Salmo 147:3

Siamo tutti cresciuti in famiglie disfunzionali perché siamo tutti nati nel peccato e abbiamo una natura peccaminosa. The Bible says, “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” (romani 3:23). Some of us have experienced extreme neglect, abuso, abandonment, and rejection. This has caused a deep wound in our souls and a distorted perception of love. Because of this trauma, we don’t trust others and are fearful of them coming too close; we don’t want to be hurt again. For this reason, it is hard to trust that God is not going to hurt us either. Many women struggle developing an intimate relationship with God, our Heavenly Father, because they did not have a good relationship with their earthly father.

Regardless of what we have experienced in our lives, we are still responsible to make good, healthy, godly decisions. It’s the Holy Spirit inside us that leads us to walk in the truth and convicts us of sin, righteousness, and judgement (Read John 16:8). We have the ability through the help of the Holy Spirit to stop the cycle of dysfunction stemming from our home of origin or the traumas we’ve experienced elsewhere.

We can make good choices. We do not have to react to things without pausing, praying, and thinking through them. We are in control of our thoughts and actions. In fact, it’s the only thing we have control over. We have to make a conscious decision not to perpetuate this dysfunction and pass it onto our children and future generations. The only way we can do that is by:

1. Having a relationship with Jesus.

2. Getting help either through Christian counselling and/or recovery meetings, and reading helpful books.

3. Having accountability—a safe person or community to help keep you working on yourself.

Domande:

  1. What areas did you have to work on as a result of past trauma?
    Toni:     Rejection was a huge wound for me. Also trusting others not to control, manipulate, and use me was another. I had to learn to use my voice and put-up healthy boundaries to protect myself. I had to learn self-control because I was a walking volcano, filled with rage. I learned why I was so angry and came to terms with that. God has healed me in all these areas because I was willing to let Him in and heal me.
  2. What are some areas you still need to work on?
    Toni: I have been struggling with codependency, so I started reading the book, Codependency No More, by Suellen McDolly. It has been very helpful for me to stop and check my motivation for doing the things I was doing. I always want to be willing to work on myself. When I am triggered by something, I ask God to show me what’s really going on. I usually journal when this happens because I need to hear from Him in a place where/when I am ready to listen.

Our healing is a lifelong process, but if God is involved in it, we will be victorious. We can do all things through Christ who strengthens us (Read Philippians 4:13). If you are just starting your healing journey, keep asking God to help you, keep seeking Him with your whole heart, and keep knocking on the door for more insight and godly wisdom (Read Matthew 7:7-8). God is faithful, and He wants to bind up your broken heart and heal your wounds (Read Psalm 147:3).

I pray this was helpful. Per favore, contattaci; we are here to help you and to pray for you.

Sei amato,
Toni

arwsg4u2@gmail.com

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Bondage familiare

Bondage familiare

I would rather go back to what is familiar, even if it is bondage…

Exodus 16:1-4a and John 3:16,

And they took their journey from Elim, and all the congregation of the children of Israel came unto the wilderness of Sin, which is between Elim and Sinai, on the fifteenth day of the second month after their departing out of Egypt. And the whole congregation of Israel murmured against Moses and Aaron in the wilderness: And the children of Israel said to them, “Oh that we had died by the hand of the Lord in the land of Egypt, when we sat by the pots of meat and when we ate bread to the full! For you have brought us out into the wilderness to kill this whole assembly with hunger.” Then the Lord said to Moses, “Behold I will rain bread from heaven for you….”

When the trials of the children of Israel were too hard for them to bear, they wanted to go back to what was familiar: bondage in Egypt. They wanted to be in control; they felt safe knowing what to expect.

How many of us can relate to wanting to go back to the dysfunctional relationships or sins of our past because there is comfort in knowing what to expect? Change is hard because it’s unfamiliar, and there is no safety or comfort in it. But God doesn’t want us to stay in our dysfunction. He wants us healed. He came to set us free from our bondage to sin. He wants us to trust Him completely with every area of our lives.

God provided the children of Israel with bread that literally dropped out of the sky. He called it Manna, “Bread from Heaven.” If God did that for them, don’t you think He can help you too? I think the answer is Yes!!!

What is the spiritual factor to consider when I want to be in control, instead of God being in control?

I am saying to God, “I don’t trust You. I don’t believe You are good. I don’t believe You care about me.”

Così, what is the sin I am committing when I don’t trust God? The sin of unbelief.

Definition of faith in Hebrews 11:1 E 11:6: Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen. But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.

Permettimi di chiederti, what are you still trying to control and refuse to release into God’s hands?

I learned at a very young age to take control of every area of my life; that, unfortunately, was not a good thing. A 12-year-old is not mature enough to take on such a responsibility. I controlled my voice but I did not use it. I controlled how I performed in school, sports, and in anything I set my mind to do by practicing until I could do something perfectly. When I was older, I controlled my weight by taking speed and diet pills and exercising excessively. I controlled what others perceived about me by wearing a mask to hide my true feelings and identity. It wasn’t until I felt safe to let God in that I was able to relinquish control to Him. By spending time in His Word, I began to understand the heart of God and discovered how much He loves us and wants us to be set free from our pasts, so we can live the abundant lives He came to give us. It’s by relinquishing control to God that we are set free. There is beauty in surrender.

Why are you not trusting God to help you in this area? What are you afraid of?

Relinquishing control was not a comfortable thing for me because I didn’t trust others not to hurt me. I became very self-sufficient and proficient in all I did. I had a huge wall around my heart that no one was going to penetrate, not even God. I grew up with a distorted view of God. I thought He was angry with me and would punish me if I was out of line, which is what I heard and saw as a child. Church was dark; people there spoke in another language, and the atmosphere was not warm and welcoming. So I associated these attributes with God. I felt He was dark, harsh, and unloving, which could not be further from the truth. I was fearful about trusting God because I was afraid of being hurt again. I didn’t know God’s heart toward me. When I got saved in 1994 and came across this verse from John 3:16, “For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life,” I started believing that God does love me. And once I received His love into my heart and believed that He died for me on the cross, I started trusting Him more with my heart. But it was a long process. I am so grateful today for His love. That truth changed my life forever.

I had everything under control, so I thought, until my life and health started spiraling out of control. I couldn’t afford stuff anymore and my health was failing, my marriage was on the brink of divorce, and I didn’t know what to do. I was plagued with suicidal thoughts because I just couldn’t deal with my depression and self-loathing anymore, due to the sins from my past. This was not a life; it was a prison. I was just surviving because I needed someone to take my pain away, someone I could trust to love and accept me for who I was. Did such a person exist?

Dear One,

I want you to know that there is such a person who loves and accepts you for who you are. His name is Jesus, and He is the only one who will love you right where you are. He will never hurt you or force you to do something against your will. He is kind, loving, dependable, faithful, merciful, and forgiving. Jesus is your Savior and friend. Why not relinquish control of your life to God? Onestamente, what do you have to lose at this point?

Sei amato,

Toni

 

What is the spiritual factor to consider when I want to be in control instead of God being in control?

I am saying to God, “I don’t trust You (Dio). I don’t believe You (He) are good. I don’t believe You care about me.” So, what is the sin I am committing when I don’t trust God? The sin of unbelief.

Definition of faith in Hebrews 11:1 E 11:6: Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen. But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.

 

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Il mio popolo piace

Il mio popolo piace

From the time I was a young child, I never felt secure, confident or accepted. These insecurities gave the enemy an opening into my heart. He planted the lie in my mind that if I were perfect, Sarei amato. Perfection in every task and responsibility set before me became my obsession. From school to sports and hobbies—basically anything I did—I had to be perfect. When I look back, I can see that my efforts were a waste of time. The enemy’s plan was quite insidious because he knew I could never be perfect. Only God is perfect. By striving for perfection, I would ultimately fall short and feel rejected.

The enemy drove me to failure so that I would look for other means of satisfying my longing to feel accepted, included and secure. He accomplished his mission. I failed. Being the good, quiet one in the family was not working for me anymore, so I decided to rebel. At the age of 12, I began sneaking Scotch whisky from my parent’s liquor cabinet when they were attending my brother’s football practices. Alcohol use was the beginning of my demise, which ultimately lead to the death of my child through abortion. My poor choices opened the door to more evil as a consequence. My striving for acceptance from all the wrong people would lead me to use drugs and sex to fill the void in my heart, which I would later discover could only be filled by a relationship with Jesus. I had no restraint. My conscience was slowly becoming numb as I failed to use sound judgment. Over time, I barely felt conviction for sin. I wanted to protect my parents from disappointment, so I kept all of this a secret.

My fear of rejection was stronger than anything else in my life. Di conseguenza, I became a people-pleaser. I would do anything to be loved and accepted. I would allow others to use me, and I used others to fulfill my desires. Heartbroken from my wound of rejection, I hungered for love, leaving the door open to accept abuse from others. I believed that I was not a person of value. I was easily manipulated and controlled by those closest to me because I had no boundaries. I had no self-respect, so others didn’t respect me either. I felt used, abused, unloved and worthless. During my teenage years, all of those unresolved emotions lead me into depression. When I entered into college, I was no longer restricted and restrained by my parents’ rules. I would drink alcohol to the point of abusing myself. I hated who I had become so much so that I wanted to hurt myself. One day in my dorm room, I actually kicked out the small window by my bed. Thank God I was wearing cowboy boots at the time, or else I would have badly cut or broken my foot. I was like a walking volcano. My excessive drinking led to fits of rage where hot lava came spewing from within my inner darkness, and I had no control over who was going to receive that hot mess. Afterwards, I would feel so much shame and guilt over my actions. It felt like being trapped in a dark pit all alone with the abuser and accuser—the father of lies. It was a living hell, but I didn’t know what to do to stop the destructive cycle.

I could never say no to anyone because I didn’t want to disappoint people. I just wanted to be loved and validated by others hoping they would see value in me because I couldn’t see it. My people-pleasing strategy backfired when I failed to follow through on all the things I said yes to. There were simply not enough hours in the day to accomplish all that I had agreed to do. I would overextend myself, and then I would have to back out of things. That was such an uncomfortable thing to do. A vicious cycle had developed, and I didn’t know how to stop it. I put others’ needs above my own needs. I truly believed that if I didn’t keep a perfect house, if I didn’t follow all the rules and if I wasn’t the perfect wife, my husband would toss me away. Di conseguenza, I tolerated unacceptable behavior out of fear. The enemy constantly tormented me with his lies when all I wanted was to be loved.

I realize now that the enemy wanted me to kill myself, but God had another plan for my life—one that was good and filled with hope and a prosperous future. (Geremia 29:11) He did not allow the enemy to succeed in having me take my own life even though I had taken the life of my child. God thwarted Satan’s plan to destroy my body and my soul. God knew that I would receive Christ as my savior at the age of 34. He knew that in 2006 I would start my abortion recovery and healing journey. He knew that in 2013 I would start Le mie ceneri alla bellezza, a post-abortion recovery and healing ministry. What the enemy meant for evil God turned around for good. (Genesi 50:20) God has been watching over me all these years while protecting me from the enemy so that I could fulfill His calling on my life. I now live my life to please God and Him alone. I no longer care about what others think of me, which is a form of idolatry. I am so humbled by and grateful for God’s mercy towards this poor broken woman who was dying inside. She is now alive and adopted as a daughter into God’s family.

Are you or/were you a people-pleaser?

Are you still concerned about what others think of you?

How did you break that dysfunctional cycle?

Geremia 29:11 – “For I know the thoughts I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.”

Genesi 50:20 – “But as for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good, in order to bring it about as it is this day, to save many people alive.”

benedizioni,

Toni

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I miei malsani meccanismi di coping

I miei malsani meccanismi di coping

Coping mechanisms are defined as techniques we use to help us manage the stress and pain in our lives. Common coping mechanisms are avoidance and isolation, denial, busyness, rationalization E control. From my childhood, I learned avoidance and isolation to keep me safe from unhealthy people or situations. Running and hiding became my usual reaction to problems as a small child. Into adulthood, I continued to use those tactics until I began my recovery journey and learned new healthy coping mechanisms. Lodare Dio! Instead of avoidance, God gave me a voice, and I learned to communicate my likes and dislikes. I never developed a voice growing up. However, once I put up boundaries, using my voice was necessary to communicate those boundaries to others. As time went by, I felt more comfortable sharing my heart with others without fear of rejection. God also told me to stop running and hiding and to leave the outcome to Him.

I had huge blind spots as a post-abortion woman when it came to my parenting. Regarding my children, I became extremely sensitive and overprotective. I parented out of fear. I didn’t want them to feel the pain that I had experienced. I thought if I could control them, perhaps I could prevent them from experiencing what I did. Adesso, I know that was wrong thinking. I was in denial until I realized two things: I cannot control another person, and doing anything out of fear never has a good outcome. Così, I have learned to apologize to my children for my overprotective parenting leaving the all-powerful God to change the heart of others. When I feel powerless, I remember to relinquish control to God to create a change in others or situations. I was living in denial due to my fear of rejection from my parents and spouse. Di conseguenza, I obeyed ridiculous rules in order to be accepted and loved by others. Truthfully, that never worked. When I finally received the love of Jesus into my heart, I had the courage to stand on my own without fear of rejection because I knew God would never leave me nor forsake me.

Impegno was a tool the enemy used for many years so that I would not have time to recognize my dysfunctional life and work on myself. In the year 2010, God told me to stop serving. I couldn’t believe He wanted me to do that. What will other people think? Asking this question led me right to the answer—you need to work on yourself because you are one sick puppy. I responded in obedience and took time to work on my own healing from 2010-2012. During this time, God took me to a desert place with Him so He could dispel all the lies I had believed. By focusing on His truth, I could be healed and finally set free. Although God had called me to this ministry back in 2006, He was finally able to equip me once I slowed down and put my focus solely on Him.

I had rationalized my abortion because I believed that since I was doing so much heavy drugs and drinking while smoking 2 packs of cigarettes a day, my baby would be severely deformed. I felt that my parents would reject me and would be extremely disappointed in me. But looking back on these 40 anni, I wish I had the courage to tell them I made a mistake and ask them for help. I cannot change my past. All I can do is learn from it and share my experience, strength and hope with others. Hopefully, those I reach with my testimony can make healthy choices knowing all the information beforehand.

Control was another tool I learned to use at a very young age. I honestly believed I could control how others feel and what they think in order to determine the outcome of a situation. That was all a lie. I had no control over any of those things. I tried to control how people reacted and behaved toward me. I tried to control what others saw in me by hiding behind a mask. I also tried to control how much I weighed by taking speed and diet pills and by purging after I ate too much. God showed me that by relinquishing control to Him, I can be set free from these obsessions and this bondage.

I am so grateful that today I have been set free from all my unhealthy coping mechanisms. I have learned new skills to help me cope with the pain and trauma from my past. I had to completely surrender everything and everybody to God. I no longer held onto my children so tight. I no longer cared about what others thought of me. I didn’t obey ridiculous rules out of fear of being rejected. I now had a voice, and God has taught me how to use it to express my feelings in a healthy, godly way. I am no longer in bondage to my old thinking and my old behavior patterns. In Romans 12:2, the Bible says “Do not be conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind…” Daily time spent with God in His Word and listening to the Holy Spirit have helped me to move out of the chaos, dysfunction and misery into a peaceful, orderly and fulfilling life.

What unhealthy things have you used to help you cope with the trauma from your past?

What are some healthy ways you cope with things now?

Reach out and get the help and encouragement you need. We are here ready and waiting to serve you and help you to become the woman God created you to be.

benedizioni,

Toni

 

 

 

—Toni

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Il cuore del nostro Padre celeste

Il cuore del nostro Padre celeste

Luca 15:10-24

Many have called this “The Running Father” instead of “The Prodigal Son” because it’s the actions of the father in these Scriptures that give a glimpse into the very heart of God our heavenly Father. Primo, we see the father is looking for his son and spots him afar off. I can imagine every day, the father looking to the horizon for a glimpse of his son returning home. And every day losing hope that he would return.

Let’s put ourselves in the shoes of the prodigal son. Didn’t we run away from the homes that God had given us to explore the world with riotous living? All the while our heavenly Father was watching and looking for us to return home to Him. How it must have broken His heart to see the destructive ungodly choices we made. And yet, He loves us with an everlasting love and yearns for us to come home to Him. (Geremia 31:3b-c)

In addition, a man during this time in history would never been seen in public running through town. (which would have required him to girt up his loins by tucking his robe into his belt). I read that the son could be banned from the town or humiliated publicly, because he dishonored his father and their town with his sinful actions. This likely would have been another reason why the father ran to his son; he wanted to protect him from the humiliation and judgement of others.

Can we see how God sent His Son to die for us so we could be set free from the judgment we deserved because of all our sins? I love the correlation between the prodigal son’s father and our heavenly Father. Jesus became sin for us (2 Corinthians 5:21un) and was naked and beaten, was crucified, and died for us. He was humiliated and tortured for me and you. When I think of what Jesus did on the cross for me, I am overwhelmed with gratitude because I know I don’t deserve it, but I humbly receive this precious gift of salvation that cost God the most precious thing He had, His Son.

Lastly, we too were once dead in our trespasses and sins against God, (Ephesians 2:1b), but when we confessed our sins, like the prodigal son, we were welcomed into the family of God. There was a celebration in heaven the day you received Christ as your Savior (Luca 15:10). God has clothed you in a beautiful white robe (Rivelazione 7:9) and put a ring on your finger and has adopted you into His Holy Family (romani 8:15b-c). One day we’ll all be together for the great feast in heaven, the marriage supper of the Lamb (Rivelazione 19:9). Hallelujah, Thank you Jesus!!

Grazie, Father, for the gift of adoption into your family. I am no longer an orphan, a stranger, an outcast, I am yours forever.

What is your relationship with your earthly father like?

Do you see God as a good and kind Father?

Do you truly know how much you are loved by God?

If you are not sure, just look to the cross where Jesus died, that’s how much God loves you He gave His Son.

 

benedizioni,

Toni