Why Are Boundaries Important?

By Toni Weisz/Spiritual Disciplines

Scriptures: Exodus 20: 1-17 and Ephesians 4:32

While growing up, I never learned how to have healthy boundaries. In my home of origin, we were all intermeshed with one another, without a clear separation between me and another person. At a young age, I learned how to cope in a chaotic, unpredictable home.

Never knowing when the proverbial next shoe would drop or someone would overreact and yell or throw a shoe or smack you. I always felt like I had to be guarded, and because of this, I hid in the shadows. I wanted to be loved so desperately I was willing to do anything. As a result, I became a people pleaser. All I wanted was to make others happy with my behavior, my performance, and accomplishments. I would be whatever the other person needed me to be, just to feel loved and accepted. By doing this, I allowed others to treat me badly, to manipulate and control me. I had no boundaries. I allowed others to do these things, and I just accepted it. I just thought I must not be a person of any value, because if I were, why did others treat me this way?

Because I did not have any boundaries, I struggled with receiving love and giving love. All my relationships were unhealthy, and I truly didn’t know how to have healthy relationships. I would struggle with this for most of my life. I felt very alone and disconnected from others. I was lonely because I never truly felt loved and accepted by anyone.

Lack of clear boundaries is a very common character defect with post-abortion women and women who have been abused. We have a distorted view of God, ourselves, and others. We do not trust that God will not abuse us also.

There has to be some level of trust in a relationship to have the courage to set up boundaries. Boundaries help us form healthy relationships that are based on love and respect for each other.

Boundaries are important because they help us to set up parameters to protect us from others and to help our relationships grow in a healthy and loving environment. Just like the 10 commandments were set up by God as guard rails to protect us from sin, so are boundaries important to protect us also.

Setting Up Healthy Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend, pages 106-107. AACC The Bible for Hope: Caring for People God’s Way.

1. What are some areas where you have boundary issues?

2. Have an accountability partner and meet regularly to discuss this; be truthful. Saying NO is hard for a person with no boundaries.

3. Recognize your part in this. Why are you fearful to set boundaries.

4. It is important to give and receive love and forgiveness.

5. Set up limits and consequences for not respecting your boundaries, and be consistent. Ex. Walking away from someone when they start yelling at you. A consequence can be, “When you yell at me, I will walk away.”

Questions to take to heart:

1. Did you grow up learning how to have healthy boundaries?

2. What areas do you struggle with enforcing boundaries and insisting they are respected?

3. How did you learn how to put up healthy boundaries?

4. How can we pray for you?

A great resource on this subject is the book, Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.

I pray this topic has been helpful to you. Please reach out if you need to talk: toni@myashestobeauty.com.

You are loved,

Toni

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